


Starving Inamoratos

by Allenthewookie



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Abuse, Angst and Feels, Blood packs, Body Horror, Canonical Character Death, Childhood Trauma, Dark, Dark Comedy, Different Events, Dreams and Nightmares, Drugs, Enemies to Friends, Flashbacks, Fluff and Angst, Guilt, Homophobic Language, Internalized Homophobia, LATER, M/M, Mild Sexual Content, Murder, Musical References, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Street Racing, Substance Abuse, Suicidal Thoughts, Swearing, Underage Drinking, Unhealthy Relationships, a lot of using last names, bros being bros, magic of course, that slow burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-13
Updated: 2019-01-01
Packaged: 2019-04-22 12:08:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 48
Words: 98,925
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14308329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Allenthewookie/pseuds/Allenthewookie
Summary: It was weird how he was going to die this night in a Virginia field. Where he and his mother moved to run away from a life of murder and lies. Probably no one was going to find his forsaken decayed body until maybe years later after his father put him in the hard dirt floor.It was kinda a nice thought.If it had happened.





	1. where it begins bitches

**Author's Note:**

> Hey guys!!!! Y'all probably thought I was died! Me to! LoL anyway I'm here to give you a little something different and I hope you guy's like it for a first chapter.

_ “ _ Get on your knees,” his father told him, hissing between those godforsaken straight white teeth of his.

He doesn’t do it. Not until his father hits him in the back of the head with the revolver that had been his just moments before any of this happened.

His knees hit the soft dirt ground underneath him. Looking forward, he sees it. The hole he had dug and had planned on shoving his old man’s body into it, but unfortunately things turned sour in the last few hours.

_ Unfortunately…  _ He thinks bitterly.

He could fucking laugh at how  _ ‘unfortunate’  _ things have turned out.

_ How unfortunate life has been. _

“When I say get on your knees, you're gonna fucking do it, Joseph.”

“Sorry if I’m not mom,  _ Dad _ .” As he lets those words slip out, he can already feel the barrel of the gun pressed to the back of his skull.

“I should’ve tried to find you guys sooner than later. Look at all the kinds of messes you and that bitch of a wife made for me. Coming out here? Almost like you wanted me to come and kill you.” He says pushing the barrel harder against his head.

Maybe his prick of a father is right. Him and his mother coming out here in the middle of nowhere sure was a tiny sigh of hope back when they ran away, but now? It just seems ironic how this will be his end.

“So before I do anything  _ ‘unreasonable’ _ . Will you tell me now, who is the other dreamer here? I think it’s in your best interest that you tell me, Joseph.”

“Go fuck yourself, you Bulgarian mobster Jersey piece of trash.” He smirks to himself, as he slides his eyes closed for the last time.

“Figures.” His father cocks back on the hammer of the gun. Knowing now that it’s ready to fire for good. “I thought it would be better to handle a child than a fucking wife. Better to mold into something I actually want.”

Of course, he said ‘something’ and not ‘someone’.

And with that, the echo of a shot goes off, and the sound of a body hits the ground.

But the only thing is. It’s not Joseph’s body.

He opens his eyes and sees his father’s body motionless on the earth floor next to him. Blood and most of his father’s head is gone, brain matter spilling out from the gaping hole.

Joseph turns more to look behind him and to his surprise, he sees none other the trailer park boy Adam Parrish with a shotgun shaking visibly in his hands.

Oh…

_ Oh. _

Adam just stands there. Joseph would say the kid was motionless, but of course, the shaking was still running through the boy’s bones. Standing and wiping the dirt off his once ago clean jeans, Joseph just kinda gazes at his father’s stiff body.

Joseph could say a lot of things about right now, but the words are lost in his brain as he just keeps on staring at the body. The churning of his stomach becomes a little too much for his liking, as his eyes land on his father’s face. Eyes still open with the same ice blue coloring that the man of his childhood always had, but now there is no light engulfing them. No tint of anger that had always lingered in the man’s eyes when Joseph was near him.

There is just nothing now.

_ Nothing at all. _

_ A void. _

Joseph looks away after awhile. Not out of losing all the little food he had eaten today but out of the paranoid feeling of those eyes somehow moving to look back at him.

Looking back and laughing at him.

_ Always with the fucking laughter. _

Joseph is about to say something to Parrish but suddenly the kid is kneeling over and vomiting onto the Virginia dirt. In some weird way that makes Joseph feel better about the whole fucked up situation that they are in now.

After what feels like 2 minutes, Joseph feels that is a good amount of time for the poor kid to recover from vomiting. He says, “You okay there Parrish?”

The boy doesn’t even look up at him, doesn’t say a single word. But the answer is still given to him, by the heavy trembling of the boy’s shoulders and the rough shaking of his head.

“Fair enough.” Joseph replies in a soft tone.

_ Why do I sound so weak? _

He really doesn’t know what to say at this moment. Yeah, he could try and comfort the guy who just saved his fucking life, but that seems a little stupid in his mind. Knowing the very small amount he knows about Parrish, the guy hates pity. Yes, Joseph isn’t technically going to show ‘pity,’ but he somehow knows Parrish would take it that way.

So he just keeps on standing there awkwardly, waiting for the guy to do something. But time is being wasted, and Joseph knows that is something that shouldn’t be lagging on right now.

_ Specifically, with the fucking body of my mobster boss father laying dead right in front of me. _

Joseph is no ideal kid, he knows that. His mother knows that, his school knows that, hell the whole fucking town of Henrietta knows that by now.

But  _ murder? _

He doesn’t like the odds that could be stacked against him in a courtroom. So like hell that was going to happen on his watch.

Joseph turns away from Parrish and turns towards his father’s body. Taking a deep breath in, Joseph bends down to grab hold of his father’s wrist and starts to pull. Tugging hard, as he moves the body closer to the hole he had dug earlier. Getting close enough, Joseph lets go of his father’s wrist.

Pushing hard and getting tired from  _ everything that’s happened in the past hour _ , Joseph uses the last of his strength to push his father’s body over the edge and into the hole. Falling back on his ass, Joseph tries to calm his haggard breathing.

After what seems like too long a time. Joseph stands up again and takes a quick look around. Finding what he wants, he reaches out to grab hold of the shovel. But before he can, Parrish grabs hold of his wrist.

“What do you think you're doing?” Parrish says in almost disbelieving tone. Worry is deeply engraved in his eyes.

Looking at the hand on his wrist and then back to the boy's face, he jerks his wrist back with the shovel still in hand and asks back in a mocking tone, “What do you  _ think _ I’m doing?”

“What the hell do you mean? We need to call the police. I- I just ….….. I need to call the police, now,” Parrish repeats, not able to bring himself to say more on the matter, but he meets Joseph’s gaze.

_ Guess that makes sense,  _ Joseph thought to himself,  _ since you just killed someone. _

“I don’t think that would be a great idea, Parrish.” He says while poking a finger at the other boy's chest harshly. “Just think about it for a second. Like  _ really  _ think about it. Two kids who go to the same school… Yeah, we don’t fall into the same group of people, but police sure do like to jump to ideas that make sense in their little brains.” He adds with a huff, while straightening his back to look at Parrish again. “I can just imagine it now, how it’s such a coincidence that you ‘somehow’ saw my father, who I hate, and everyone kinda knows that, may I add? And you saw him pointing a gun at me, and you just thought it was the most amazing idea to pull the trigger on him. Killing him instead of shooting his leg or something. Yes, it could be self-defense but let’s be real honest here, Parrish. Who the fuck is going to believe the word of a mobster's son or some trailer trash kid with daddy issues?”

_ And why the hell did you have a shotgun, anyway?? _

Joseph can already see the gears moving in that kid’s head as he chews on his bottom lip. He just hopes that Parrish comes to the same conclusion as Joseph, because if he doesn’t, Joseph will really be in a fucking mess.

Parrish says something under his breath, barely audible.

“Ahh my apologize  _ princess,”  _ Joseph says _. “ _ I didn’t get that. Could you repeat that for the whole class to hear?” He says holding up a hand to his ear for the boy to speak again.

“I said ‘ _ fine’. _ ”

_ Good. _

“Alright,” Joseph says, nodding his head. “Okay, you can go back to wherever you were going. Just leave and never talk about ‘this’ to anyone.” Joseph turns to look at the hole in the ground, then he glances back to the boy and says, “Oh and if you do somehow say something…”

“I won’t.”

“Well let me finish speaking first. I’m just saying if you do, then I’ll drag you down with me, Parrish. Right down into whatever hell I know they’ll put me in for ‘this’. Because if you’re not with me, then you're against me.”

Parrish says nothing in response, and to be perfectly honest, that is fucking fine with Joseph. Words don’t mean shit in the end unless actions go with them.

That’s just how the world works.

With a last-second thought, Joseph says, “Give me the shotgun, Parrish.”

Maybe Parrish gets the idea, too.  _ The kid was one of the best students in Aglionby. _ But Joseph sees the hesitation creeping into the lines of the boy's features. In the end, he hands the gun to Joseph.

And Joseph throws it into the grave. Alongside his father.

“I could say we had some good times,  _ dad. _ But we didn’t. So have fun in hell until I come and see you again. You fucking prick.”

And with that, Joseph starts to shovel.


	2. The night after a new life

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wondered what could alcoholic child beater Robert Parrish thought he was?
> 
> He really wanted to know.

Opening one of the double doors of the front of his home, Joseph does something for the first time in a while: he actually locks it. Being in the middle of bum-fuck-nowhere, he’s never thought about locking anything but his car and bedroom.

But after the events of last night and early this morning, he’s been thinking a little differently.

So closing the door behind him quietly and making sure to lock it up properly, it sure does ease his stress-fired nerves just a bit.

He then makes his way up the long staircase that leads to the second floor, where his bedroom awaits him. Turning on his lights but dimming them quickly because it’s just too fucking bright for any of this shit right now.

Flopping his butt down on the edge of the bed, he takes a second to slowly take off each shoe from his sore feet. The world of his bedroom is quiet and cold with the slight hum of the air conditioner on full blast, filling the room with white noise. Memories of the past 4 hours, since burying his father, come back faster than Joseph would have liked them too.

 

* * *

_“Why are you still here Parrish?” he had asked earlier, as he wiped the sweat that had built up on his brow._

_It was strange to say the least. Joseph had been pretty damn sure he had told the guy to just leave and go on with whatever his fucking business was, yet with another surprise of this hell-hole of a night, Adam Parrish was still a few feet away from him, sitting on the ground with his knees drawn up to his chest._

_Walking over to the boy, Joseph stopped short, just a foot away from him._

_“I know I might be handsome and all but I know you’re a good-old working boy Parrish, who could’ve of helped me with the shoveling.” He remarked._

_But the guy didn’t move; not even the small trembling that once shook him was there anymore._

_The dude probably shutting down right about then, Joseph thought._

_I can remember when I used to do that._

_Used to._

_Until I fucking knew that wasn’t going to get me anywhere._

_“Get up.” He said._

_Silence._

_Letting out a heavy sigh, Joseph patted down his jean pockets to see if his father even bothered with seeing if he had a phone on him. And of course, his father didn’t because the prick thought he was really going to get away with murdering his son._

_Talk about an ego._

_Pulling out his phone and unlocking that shit, he saw that it’s almost about one o’clock in the morning._

_That would get trailer boy moving._

_“Don’t you have some kind of curfew to be following? If you do, and let’s not lie now because of course you do, it’s already one in the morning, and it doesn’t look like you’re getting that ass moving anytime soon.”_

_And with the mentioning of the ‘curfew,’ Parrish finally lifted his head from his knees. He didn’t look like he was happy about Joseph knowing this type of information, but he already know how Joseph knew._

_Because Joseph Kavinsky knows everything about everyone._

_No exceptions._

_Parrish seemed to want to say something fiery back at him but instead bit his bottom lip, probably knowing he would be just wasting his breath with venomous words while ‘precious’ time was running out._

_Tick tock._

_Tick tock._

_Without missing a beat, the boy stood up off the ground. Taking a hard glance around the field and the nearby wooded area, Parrish probably thought of a way to get back to his lovely home in this pitch blackness._

_Yeah, the moon was high in the sky and the stars shined brightly, but how was that going to help the poor kid even remotely know where the fuck he was going?_

_“Jesus Christ, Parrish, don’t have an ‘attack’ on me now. I’ll drive you back.” He said while not waiting for any reply, already making his way to his parked Evo._

_Once again, he thinks back to his father kidnapping him earlier in the night in his own fucking car, for a matter of that fact. His father most likely already knew he was going to kill Joseph. And what’s smarter than stealing his son’s car so it would appear that Joseph just up and left?_

_It’s smart because he would do something like that, and people wouldn’t bat a single eye at it either. And maybe if he wasn’t the type of person to do that, who would go looking for him?_

_No one, that’s right._

_Absolutely no one._

_And that’s what made his father smarter at the time._

_But in the end, his father was dead in the ground, and Joseph was walking injury-free back to his car. The only mistake that his father made was not seeing some trailer trash kid with a trigger finger and no hesitation to put a bullet in someone’s skull._

_Maybe he liked Parrish, the more he thinks about it._

_Who the fuck knows?_

_Joseph finally stepped up to his car, grabbing hold of the Evo’s handle and tugging it open. He was not even slightly surprised to know that his father’s ego was the size of fucking Texas, and even less surprised when he saw that the keys are still in the ignition._

_Before he could look through the windshield to see if Parrish was actually following him at all, the kid opened the passenger door and plopped himself down onto the leather seating._

_Joseph didn’t even need to ask directions to where the trailer park area was. When he moved into Henrietta, the first thing he did was scope out the town. To know where to find the in’s and out’s of this huge but empty place._

_And, to his surprise, it had a sense of freedom at the time._

_No one was around to see what Joseph could be up too at all hours of the day. No one to worry about seeing him doing anything he wasn’t supposed to do. No one in his fucking business. No one telling him what or how he should do things. And no one to hurt him._

_The freedom that Jersey never had the time or the chance to give him._

_Fuck the past and the people in it._

_He didn’t need anyone anymore._

_Pulling himself out of his thoughts of things he didn’t want to think about or feel, he pulled to a stop at a red light. He took this opportunity to fiddle with the radio._

_What he didn’t like the most in life, was being too deep in his thoughts with someone right next to him that he didn’t trust._

_Especially if that ‘someone’ was part of Gansey’s little group._

_So music was the next best thing and he would gladly fill the air with instead of this fucking suffocating silence going on between them._

_Joseph didn’t really care what song he put on, but any song was good enough for him as the bass started to go through the speakers and the lull of a voice came out._

_Driving a few more minutes on the vacant streets, he finally took a turn into the beginning of the trailer park. So now was the somewhat hard part of the drive._

_He knew where the park was, of course, but he didn’t know exactly where Parrish lived._

_He wasn’t that much of a damn creep.  He also didn’t fucking care so much to be so interested in knowing where the kid lived in the first place._

_Give him a reason to and he just might care._

_Easing his foot on the brake, Joseph asked, “So which of these lovely intact home’s are you the winner to be living in?”_

_Parrish, the well-mannered person he was, held his tongue in any type of fight that he wanted oh so badly to throw at Joseph._

_Instead, Parrish simply said “Drop me off here.”_

_“Ahh, are you embarrassed of me? Kinda hurts my feelings after all we been through tonight.”_

_That sure did earn him an angry glare from the boy. It probably pissed off him even more when Joseph perched his head on the steering wheel, then turned to reveal a smug smirk._

_Joseph kept his gaze on Parrish icy blue eyes. Joseph thought if the boy’s eyes weren’t so damn blue, he’d think that fire would start engulfing them with the burning anger that they held._

_Joseph kinda liked them that way._

_“Alrighty then.” He said, moving his head back to look at the steering wheel and breaking off the ‘staring contest’ that was going on. He unlocked the door to wait for the other boy to get out._

_And with that, Parrish unbuckled his seatbelt and opened the passenger door without a second passing or even a word._

_Fine by me. Joseph thought._

_Parrish got out and shut the door a little too roughly for Joseph’s liking, but whatever._

_Joseph watched as Adam Parrish walked towards a trailer with the lights still on inside. He would think maybe the guy’s parents were worried about their 17-year-old son being out so late, but Joseph knew better._

_He saw the guy at school multiple times. Maybe Parrish didn’t see him, but Joseph saw him. The guy tried his best to hide the ugly violet or piss colored bruises that lingered on his tan skin, and always wearing long sleeves or turtlenecks in the Virginia gross ass heat._

_Joseph wasn’t fucking stupid._

_But he also didn’t say anything._

_Once again, he knew Parrish would only get pissy over someone saying anything on account of how the guy’s home life was going._

_Joseph could get that._

_It wasn’t anyone’s business to know how Robert Parrish would beat his one and only child. But everyone in the fucking town knew that Robert did it._

_Staring as Parrish made his way towards the front door, the kid paused for a second. Joseph could only imagine how he was probably amping himself up to just go in._

_Joseph knew too well what that was like._

_Before Parrish could open the front door, it swung open with a force that Joseph thought would break the damn door, revealing a red faced Robert Parrish, already holding what Joseph could only tell was a beer in hand._

_Not a surprise there, either._

_With probably the same force as he swung open the door, Robert Parrish grabbed hold of his son’s arm and pulled the boy inside of the trailer._

_Joseph was about to start driving away because there was nothing else to do. But he saw that Robert Parrish was staring directly at him through the darkness of the night._

_Oh, what big eyes you have, he thought ironically_

_Joseph might be a lot of things, and he sure knew he was a lot of things in others’ mindsets._

_He wondered what could alcoholic child beater Robert Parrish think he was?_

_He really wanted to know._

_So Joseph did the first thing that came to his mind to give the man a newer taste of what Joseph was._

_He revved his engine._

_Hard and loud enough to maybe wake a couple of people living close by. And he burned his way out of the area before he could see the man’s face again._

_Because he didn’t like the way that man looked at him._

_Just how his father looked at him._

_It made his blood boil and stomach a jumbled mess._

_He didn’t like it one fucking bit._

_But his father was dead in the ground. Buried and gone. Dead and not coming back because some trailer boy put a bullet in through his brains._

_Joseph held on tighter to the steering wheel as he was blowing at past 85 mph on the long stretch of road, while a thought kept on running through his mind._

_How interesting could Adam Parrish be?_

_Joseph actually might want to know, now._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys! I hope y'all like this chapter. I'm gunna try to at least make every chapter about 6-7 pages long. Anyway, let me know what you guys think about this story. I really like to read comments (not rude ass shit but just how you feel about the feel of the story.)
> 
> And if you guys where interested in knowing what song Joseph put on the radio, it was 'National Anthem Seasfire remix' by Lana Del Rey.


	3. Fear of birth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I am hitting my dad with a baseball bat, and he is screaming and crying for help."
> 
> "And maybe halfway through, it has more to do with me killing him than it it ever had protecting myself." 
> 
> ~ father by the front bottoms

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a fair warning to anyone but this chapter has abuse in it so if you didn't see the tags then I hope this just gives you a little warning if that can be triggering to some.

As he walks up to the front door, he stops short. He knows his father is waiting behind that door for him; he knows what’s about to happen when he goes inside. It’s been happening for years.

But knowing doesn’t make it any less nerve-racking.

_ But I deserve it.  _ Adam thinks.

His stomach drops as the mental images of the man lying dead on the ground with most of his head gone floods back to him.

The man that  _ he _ killed.

He could just puke right here and now, if not for the threat of what is coming for him.

As if on cue, the door slams open. Seeing his father’s red fueled raged face wasn’t surprising at all, and seeing the dark brown beer bottle in his hand wasn’t either.

That just meant it’s going to be a little uglier then normal if he doesn’t get it over with fast enough.

He could do that.

Without hesitation, Robert grabs hold of his arm with a grip firm enough to leave a bruise. He could do with that. Something like that is easy to hide. Easy to forget about.

Robert rips him from the outside world and throws him inside. Knowing it’s best not to fall over and look like he did it on purpose, he catches his balance and quickly straightens himself out.

Adam thinks that the man would already be hot on his heels, but seeing his father’s bulky back still in the doorway was something that did throw him off for a second. But then he remembered.

_ Joseph’s out there. _

_ Oh no. _

As if the realization of Joseph being outside in his Evo wasn’t bad enough, the fool starts revving his engine as if he thinks he's a goddamn bullfighter egging on a bull.

_ Well, technically the guy was not wrong.  _ Adam thinks to himself bitterly. The only thing is, that that bull is going to be aiming his horns his way and not Joseph’s.

Hearing the squealing of tires on asphalt is a sure sign that Adam has to face his father now.

Robert Parrish had been a stocky man ever since Adam could remember. ‘Built for working,’ the man always said. Robert is probably around 6’1 and a good 200 pounds. Which makes him tower over Adam’s 5’9 and 160-pound body.

And his father knows that, too.

Robert yanks the door behind him closed and stands before to face his son.

Adam knows well enough that he  _ needs _ to apologize to the man before he can make him any angrier than he is.

“I’m sorry, sir. I didn’t mean to-”

“Don’t!” His father scoffs as he wags a finger at him. “Don’t give me any excuses. You knew what time to come home. You knew to call.”

That was true.

Adam knows better. He differently knows better in the long run with Robert. But he doesn’t think it will matter after tonight.

He’s in the wrong now, so he accepts the words with a nod.

“Oh? So you agree now, then? That it was disrespectful to leave your mother and me waiting for your ass to show up for dinner?” Robert mocks him.

“Yes, sir. It was disrespectful of me to do that to the both of you. I’m sorry, sir.”

“Alright.” He nods to himself knowingly.

Adam almost doesn’t comprehend when Robert suddenly moves across the space that they had between themselves, as the man rams Adam’s body against the wall.  _ Hard. _

Robert holds onto him   
tightly by the collar of his t-shirt with both hands.  _ Probably dropped the _ __  
__ beer, Adam thinks. Robert breathes   
with his alcohol filled breath in Adam’s face.

“You think that your fucking existence is free? Uh?  _ Well, do you _ ?” Robert says as he rams Adam’s body against the wall again with enough force to make him cry out in pain.

“Oh? Did that hurt?  _ Mhmm?  _ I thought I raised a man and not some fucking crybaby faggot who can’t take a simple push.” Robert snapped. “When I was your age, my father broke bottles on my head; you think I cried like  _ you _ ?”

“N-no, sir,” Adam said while wincing from pain that shot through his shoulders.

“Your damn right I didn’t. I fucking took it and got on with my life, as everyone else had. I worked for everything I had and still paid for the food my parents fed me. Do you know how fucking easy I go on you?” Robert spat at him.

“Yes, sir.” Adam tried to find the right words through the aching in his body for something that would end this fast enough to get away into his room.

_ But not like my room was any safer than it was out here. _

“I’m very grateful that I have you and mom to feed and house me, sir.” He says through gritted teeth, trying to make sure that the anger going through his mind doesn’t come out in his voice.

_ Why should I thank you for normal things that parents are supposed to do for their children? Why do I have to be grateful for a far less beating that I know I’m going to get? _

_ Why do  _ _ I _ _ have to live like this? _

Adam tries but knows he’s failing at hiding his frustrated tone with Robert. In the end, he is his father’s son, and that is something that had bothered Adam to no end about himself.

As the man takes one of his hands off of Adam’s collar, Robert grabs hold of Adam’s hair, jerks his head forward but then slams it against the wall that stands behind him.

“Don’t you dare use that tone with me!” Robert screams into his ringing ears.

“I.”  _ Slam _ . “Am.”  _ Slam _ . “Your.”  _ Slam _ . “Fucking”  _ Slam _ . “Father.”

Adam can’t tell what is even hurting anymore as his world turns from streaking white to sudden blackness.

_ At least it doesn’t hurt so much when I’m gone like this. _

 

* * *

Adam doesn’t know how long he has been passed out on the living room floor, but the dried blood clinging to his tender scalp means it has probably been a while.

Picking himself up from the floor and wobbling to the bathroom quietly. He really doesn’t want to see the damage that was done but it isn’t like if he just ignores that too, it would just magically disappear like every other problem he has.

Shutting the door and flicking the light switch on, Adam lets out a sigh of relief, when he sees that it’s not as  _ bad _ as it could’ve been. Adam knows that the swelling will go down with the help of ice and that was the easiest part. The bruises that cover the side of his upper face, mostly on his forehead would be a little harder to hide.

But it seemed like things are going his way, as the bruises are layered on the side of his forehead that his hair usually fell gently over.

Is he lucky or what?

The only thing that could be a problem is his hair moving too much in a certain way. Thankfully his mother has makeup that is somewhat close to his skin tone. Washing his face and massaging his aching scalp, to get rid of any signs of dirt or dried blood that needs to be removed, he leaves the bathroom to walk over to his bedroom.

Not even bothering to turn on the lights, he just sort of lays down in the best way that wouldn’t cause so most pain.

Glancing his eyes towards the red-neon lighted clock on his desk next to his bed. It reads that it was 3 in the morning. The last time he even knew what time it was, the clock in Joseph’s car said 2:15 a.m.

Maybe he’s thankful that he could get some sleep before he has to get ready for school in about 3 hours. With the heaviness of his eyelids surely should sleep, right?

As sleep slowly works its way into him, he begins a thought that has always comforted him through the years as he grew up.

That at least with sleep, no one could hurt him.

 

* * *

Joseph tries his best to get some sleep but only ends up over his bathroom toilet on his knees, puking up until he can taste the acidic bile from so much dry heaving.

_ At least I tried, right? That’s the best I can do in the end. _

Joseph never liked sleeping but these past months have been a real bitch to him. He had tone downed taking anything from dreaming, but it’s not really up to him whether he dreams or just gets some normal sleep.

Everything ends in nightmares.

And when nightmares come and get a little  _ too _ personal, then Joseph ends up vomiting in his white porcelain toilet.

Simple as that.

Feeling the end of his stomach stop churning like rotten milk, Joseph wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and flushes the toilet. After hanging his head for just a few seconds the rim, he feels good enough to stand once again.

Stumbling to the sink, he twists the knobs to lets the water flow out of the faucet. Dipping his hands into a cup form to scoop up some water, lightly splashing water on his face until he feels somewhat hygienic again. And after that, he sure as hell brushes his teeth.

_ Morning breathe and puke breath? I think the fuck not. _

Turning the sink off, Joseph grabs a washcloth and wipes down his face and hands. He is about to turn away and go back into his room but surely not until he accidentally sees himself in the mirror.

Joseph has no idea what people see in him at all in the ‘looks’ department.

_ Like are they blind? Halfway blind? Probably. _

Hollowed out cheeks due to the fact of him being underweight and probably also due to the drugs he took, the very noticeable bags that never leaves his eyes anymore, adding that he is so pale that anybody close enough to him could easily see the blue veins lingering directly under his skin.

But why should he care? People know he is a complete mess of a human being. Might as well look the part, right?

He walks over to his bed and picks up his still charging phone, tapping it open to see that it was a nice 5:29 in the fucking morning.

_ Isn’t that just great? I still have time to do absolutely fuck all nothing before school even begins and a single person walks through its doors.   _

Putting his phone back down on the desk, he rolls onto his queen sized bed in a huff.

Through all that’s happened, Joseph feels like he should be upset somehow with his father being dead and all, but he can’t really bring himself to be. Not even a little bit.

Like his mother always said ‘blood is blood no matter what the other does’ but Joseph feels like that is some of the most bullshittery things to say. Hell, his mother still said that after packing up their shit and moving out here away from ‘ _ the family’ _ .

But maybe she only says that because she still loves his father no matter what kind of things he but both of them through.

_ Well ‘loved’ now but I’m not gonna tell her anything. _

Joseph was never his father’s favorite, and the man sure likes to make that very clear to him. Maybe what Joseph feels is numbness to the whole thing? That makes sense in a way. Or maybe Joseph just can’t care either way if his father is dead or not.

Because to Joseph, his father was already dead to him before the man was buried into the ground.

 

* * *

Flicking open his lighter to light up one of his dream cigarettes, Joseph leans dully against the driver side of his Evo. He’s got about a good solid 11 minutes before his first class is supposed to start. So chilling out before anyone starts talking to him sounds like a great idea thus far.

And as the minutes pass by and his cigarette slowly turns to ash, he’s about to pack his shit up and just go but then stops to stare at a certain boy. A certain boy who’s locking up his bike and looks like complete utter shit Joseph would say.

And that card was already taken, that was Joseph’s thing to look like complete utter shit. Not the boy with a used Aglionby uniform and deep set blue eyes.

But why again should he care so much? To everyone else in this school and town, it is just another day like always. Nothing new or out of the normal.

Taking an extra long drag off of his cigarette, he is going to just ignore the kid like he should do. Be the uncaring asshole people know him to be. It is what he is in the end of the day.

Joseph Kavinsky, the drug dealer, the coke head, the wild card of parties, and the prick and bastard of this fucking school. Should not care to see the obviously badly done makeup job that covers almost all of this poor fucking kid’s face and forehead.

Yet he does.

_ That used to be you. But now, you caused it to someone else. _

The pit in his stomach starts to go again, and he isn’t having any of it. Dropping his cigarette to the asphalt and stomping it out with the heel of his shoe, Joseph grabs his bag and starts to make his way over.

Joseph never did well with regret.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright y'all. I don't know if anyone knows where this story is going on in TRC timeline (because there's no comments so I have no idea what y'all think so maybe comment? Please?(๑ˊ▵ॢˋ̥๑) Pretty please?
> 
> This is kinda in the somewhat beginning / near the close middle of The Raven Boy's where Gansey's 'Ghost' says 'there's all there is' and Blue was like 'the fuck?'. So really this is the day before the night of when the Boy's go to Nino's and see blue for the first time.
> 
> Anyway thanks a lot for the kudos! and hits! That means a lot to know that some of y'all actually are enjoying this.


	4. Truths are bitter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I've known the worst of this."
> 
> "I've cut off everyone because you taught me that's how a man should be."
> 
> ~ Better than this by everyone leaves.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Talk, talk, talk is what everyone isn't really doing but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ can you blame them? Their teenage boys in the world. Their taught not to speak their feelings.

_ I can make it, I have to make it!  _ Adam thinks to himself, as he sees the Academy not far from where he is, and he pedals faster on his bike.

He can feel the sweat on his brow, and that worries him more then he would want it to.

He tried his best with the makeup his mom had had in the bathroom drawers. He thinks even though it was a tad-shade lighter, that he still did a good job at applying it to his tender skin.

So with his hair slightly falling over that side of his face and adding the makeup, he’s hoping that no one will notice anything. Or at the least not say anything about it.

Finally breaking at the bike rack, he locks up and pulls down his sleeve to see how much time he has left to make it to class. Seeing that once again, it seems like the world is playing in his favor today, he has about four minutes left before the bell rings.

While walking towards the building, he takes a little side glance to see if Gansey’s Camaro is around. And being rather surprised, he doesn’t see the bright orange car anywhere in sight.

_ Wonder if it broke down again? Probably did, knowing the Pig. _

Adam doesn’t think about it harder then he has to. He knows his friend and his car well enough. If anything would have really happened, then Adam would’ve gotten a phone call before he even left for school.

As Adam gets closer and closer to his first class, he suddenly feels a bony arm slip over his shoulders. And  _ god _ does that make him hiss in pain from the injuries that he got earlier.

Stepping to the side very quickly from whoever just did that, Adam sees two pairs of hands shoot up in defense…

Two pairs of hands that Adam was surprised to see but also didn’t want to see in the first place.

_ Joseph Kavinsky. _ Adam thought with a hint of irritably at seeing the sharp jawline and hollowed-out cheeks of said boy.

“Woo! Calm down, killer. It’s just me.” Joseph said in a smooth tone.

_ Killer? Did he literally just - _

Before Adam could even begin to finish that thought, Joseph jumps in.

“Anyway, I know you're probably itching to get to class right now, but I wanted to talk. So skip.”

Adam has about zero patience right now for this type of nonsense. Especially this type of nonsense with Joseph.

Adam starts to walk away. “I’m not going to skip just because you ask so, Kavinsky.”

But of course, that doesn’t stop the guy from speeding up his pace to match with Adam’s.

“Alright, alright. I get it.” Joseph says somewhat hastily, taking a free hand and running it through his wavy hair.

_ Is he nervous? _

“It’s probably not quote-unquote ‘normal’ for someone like you to be seen talking to someone like me,” he says with actually doing air quotations with his fingers.

“But I need to talk to you, so when are you free? What class do you have after first?”

“I’m not skipping any of  _ my _ classes just for you to talk to me.”

“Douche...” Joseph says under his breath, not thinking that Adam couldn't hear him, when he was literally walking right next to him.

Adam did not want to deal with him right now.

He  _ could not  _ deal with him right now.

Maybe Joseph could feel Adam’s hard side-glare he was giving him, or maybe he could feel that ‘this’ conversation was truly getting nowhere.

“Fine,  _ fine _ . How about this. I come to get you when the lunch bell rings, and if you just let me talk to you for, I don’t know, five fucking minutes. Maybe I don’t send a little message over to your best boy Gansey about those bruises hiding under that shit job you could even call a cover-up on your face?”

That sentence makes Adam stop in his tracks.

He looks over at Joseph’s smug paling face.

Joseph guesses Adam would like as few people as possible knowing that bruises and scabs lay bare under his many layers of concealer.

Especially knowing how Gansey and Ronan would react with that type of information.

Joseph sure has got him there.

Clutching his fist tightly by this sides, Adam lets out a frustrated breath that he didn’t know he was holding in, until now.

_ God _ , how tired and ready to explode, he was. But he won’t be like Robert. He doesn’t want to be just like his father in this life.

_ His life. _

“Alright. I’ll talk to you when lunch comes around.”

And with that, Adam walks into his first class without looking back.

 

* * *

Adam places himself down into an uncomfortable chair.

_ With all the money this school gets, one would think they would put it to actual things that the school could use it on. _

Without skipping a beat, the chair to his side is moved and then pulled back into place, but this time with a person in it.

And that person is Ronan Lynch.

With small black earbuds placed into his ears carefully, and as the wire of said earbuds are coming out of the tip of his shirt collar, Ronan knows that that trick won’t fly with any of the teachers, but it doesn’t stop him from doing it anyway.

Ronan doesn’t look his way until he sees Adam staring at him. Locking eyes with him, Ronan gives him a slight head nod and looks back to the front of the classroom, as the teacher makes their way in.

The teacher putting their books down on their own old, weary desk, they turn and see Ronan with his earbuds still in.

“Ronan Lynch, earbuds out. Now.”

Giving an overly dramatic eye roll. Ronan lazily takes them out, one at a time as he lets them hang off his collar.

The teacher seems like that’s the best they're going to get from Ronan. So they take it when they can.

And with that, class begins.

 

* * *

World history is wrapping up, and Adam gathers his things together when Ronan asks him something he doesn’t catch.

“What?” Adam says while still putting his things away into his bag.

“Have you heard from Gansey this morning?” He asks, not really sounding worried, but that was a part of how Ronan is. No one truly knows how the boy feels with just simply saying words.

“No, I haven’t. Was he not back at your guy’s place this morning?” Adam says.

He knows Gansey was out last night trying to find something about an event called St. Mark’s Eve. From what Gansey had told Adam the day before, supposedly that it was an event to talk to spirits of people who are supposed to die later in the year.

Adam likes seeing the excitement on his good friend’s face, but he can’t bring himself to think that could happen.

Adam needs more proof than just rumors of things, before he can even begin to believe in them.

He’s still stuck in his thoughts but is pulled away when Ronan jumps a bit in his seat.

Adam raises a questionable eyebrow at his friend, and Ronan just holds up a single finger for him to wait a second.

Ronan then puls out his silent vibrating phone, that is clearly still plugged into his earbuds. Removing them and tapping away at the phone, he brings it up to his ear.

Adam is surprised to see the boy doing so. He knows Ronan strictly doesn’t like phones, even though he owns one.

As Ronan talks on the phone, Adam looks to the clock on the wall. It’s just past 11, and Adam can’t help but be a bit nerve-racked when the minutes tick away, and it’s getting closer and closer for Joseph to show up and want to try and talk again.

Adam is not looking forward to it.

But he knows he will still do it.

Adam turns his attention back to Ronan, as he sets his phone back down on the desk.

“Was that Gansey?”

“Yeah.”

“Did the Pig break down again?”

“You know it,” Ronan says with giving a tired little smirk his way. Standing from his seat, he says “I’ma go get him.”

But Ronan doesn’t make any move to leave yet. So Adam looks up towards him.

“You going to get him?” He asks.

“Oh…” Ronan says in a dull tone. “He asked to bring you, too. Kinda thought you would want to come.”

Letting out a sigh, Adam replies “You know I really would want to, but I have something to do at lunch.”

It’s not uncommon that Adam can’t hang out with his friends. It’s just a little strange that he’d have to say ‘no’ to going out during a time which he isn’t at work or later in the night past his curfew.

And from the look on Ronan’s face, it seems like he thought that, too.

But Ronan being Ronan, he doesn’t push the matter too hard. He just gives a slight shrug, probably with the thought of ‘whatever, next time maybe’.

Adam appreciates it.

“But I’ll see you guys later after school, yeah?” He says in a hopeful tone.

“Totally, dude. See ya.”

And with that, Ronan goes out of the classroom door, leaving Adam to do what he has to.

Adam just hopes that it will be short and not be a repeating thing in his school life.

 

* * *

_ ‘You know I really would want too, but I have something to do at lunch.’ _

Adam’s words keeps replaying in his mind. Maybe he’s looking too much into it?

Or maybe Adam isn’t talking about something that maybe he  _ should _ talk about.

Knowing Adam for the past eighteen months, it is slowly getting easier, but he feels as if Adam has to hold his tongue a lot around him. Yeah, he gets along finely well with Gansey but let’s be honest.

_ Who doesn’t get along with Gansey? _

Ronan sometimes just wants to shake Adam by the shoulders and tell the guy to just say something,  _ anything _ . But he knows better than that. So he doesn’t push it, because if he did, then they would fight and not talk for days until Gansey somehow convinced both of them to stop being fools.

It’s not like Ronan doesn’t like Adam. It’s not like that at all.

It’s just that the guy can be so fucking stubborn with any type of help from anyone. Ronan can’t wrap his head around that type of logic, but he’s not one to understand a lot of people’s logic.

Sometimes not even his own.

And that can be lonely.

Not knowing what your purpose is. Not knowing what you want from people or yourself.

_ Fuck, if I know,  _ he thinks in frustration.

Finding his black BMW in the school parking lot shining under the blinding sunlight is nice. What’s not quite as nice in the sunlight is seeing Joseph Kavinsky standing a little too close to…. to.

To Adam Fucking Parrish.

_ What the fresh hell? _

Ronan is about to make his  _ merry fucking _ way right on over to the bunch, but a vibration in his pocket stops him short. He grits his teeth hard against the urge to scream at anything and everything.

He whips out his phone to see that Declan is calling him.

_ Oh, like hell I’m answering this right now. _

Ronan makes his way faster to his car, opening the driver’s door but not before he can throw his phone angrily against one of the back seats.

_ God _ , he hopes it fucking breaks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DID ANY OF Y'ALL SEE WHAT MAGGIE POSTED??????? Like I have no idea if it is from the 'dream trilogy' books but god oh mighty I hope so. Just reading the small texts of words made me wait to throw money at the screen and ready to read it.
> 
> Anyway I hope you guys are still liking the story. Just an FYI I'm really only going to be switching POV's between Joseph, Ronan, and Adam. Maybe I'll go around with other people but for now that's what I'm kinda doing.


	5. Lies are sweet

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Take me backwards, take me backwards, take me backwards......."
> 
> "I don't want to know who I am."
> 
> ~Violent Pictures by Dream on, Dreamer

“Knock, Knock. It’s your’s truly,” Joseph says while tapping on the classroom’s door frame. Seeing Adam’s head shoot up automatically from a bulky oversized textbook.

Adam doesn’t look happy to see him.

_ Well you and literally everyone else that knows me, Parrish.  _ Joseph thinks.

Leaning on the door frame, Joseph waits for Adam to pick up his shit at an incredible snail's pace. He can just feel the dread from the doorway as Adam makes his way over.

“It’s not lunch yet,” Adam says with a deadpan tone.

_ Wow, who pissed into your homemade granola bar? _

“Oh really? I could’ve sworn that my ‘watch’ it said it was.” Joseph says while holding up his wrist, to show that he doesn’t have any watch on him.

Adam doesn’t look impressed.

“You literally have seven minutes of ‘fuck it’ time Parrish, before first lunch even starts. Might as well use it to the fullest right?”

“You call talking to you, is using my time to the ‘fullest’?”

“Yeah, I would say so.”

“Mhmm interesting.”

_ The sass in this fucker is never-ending. _

_ Gotta say, I kinda dig it. _

Joseph just shrugs those thoughts off and continues on. He motions to Adam to follow him through the mostly empty hallway.

He knows the boy will follow him.  _ Like, the guy just packed up all his shit, so he must be wanting to just get this over with already so he can go play with his little gang. _

As Joseph is a few steps ahead, he can feel Adam’s presence slowly make his way over to him. In the height area, Adam is shorter. Joseph being 5’11 and just by looking at Adam, Joseph can tell the guy is about a few inches off from him.

But then again Adam is probably heavier than him, especially with Joseph being underweight and all. Hell, just by looking at Adam, Joseph can see the slight muscle build on the other boy.

Averting his eyes quickly before the other can take notice, Joseph says, “Let’s head to the parking lot. Less people, more space. Also, I could use a cigarette.”

Adam doesn’t respond, but he doesn’t have to. Joseph knows he’s gonna follow him. Well at least until he knows that Joseph won’t tell on his ass to Gansey.

_ Talking about Gansey……. _

“Where’s that glorious leader Dick of yours? Haven’t seen him around this fine school morning.” Joseph ask him while slowing down his pace, making sure to get a little closer.

Adam doesn’t seem fazed by the question or him getting any closer, either. But that doesn’t mean the tightening of Adam’s hand clutched to his backpack strap goes unnoticed.

_ Someone’s got a good poker face. _

Walking into the parking lot, he spots his slick white Evo. Already pulling out one of his dream cigarettes, they make their way over.

_ I wonder how well this will go? _

_ Guess, I’m gonna find out soon enough. _

 

* * *

As Joseph leans against his snow white Evo, he watches carefully. Already a  **_pink(?)_ ** cigarette in hand. Adam is pretty sure they didn’t make pink cigarettes…… well at least around here.

And especially to someone still under the age of eighteen.

Joseph just keeps on taking drags off of his pink cigarette until it’s halfway to ash.

_ Is he going to talk?  _ Adam thinks.

As the seconds passed, and what felt like things were taking too long, Adam was the first one to break the stiffling silence.

“I thought you wanted to talk to me about something Kavinsky.”

“Yeah, I did,” he says after blowing out pink smoke from his nose.

“Then?”

“I thought we could just chill out instead,” Joseph says if Adam should’ve gotten the message on it already, with whatever they were doing right now.

_ You gotta be kidding me. _

“But you said you wanted to talk, so  _ talk _ . I’m not going to just stand here and watch you smoke all through lunch period.”

“Really? You’re not?” He blows out a big cloud of pinky-white smoke. “Because to me, seems like you were already doing that.” Joseph says back to him.

It takes Adam biting the side of his cheek until he tastes the tang of iron to stop himself from straight up punching the guy.

But Adam knows better.

He isn’t his father.

_ He  _ must not be like his father.

“But if you want to talk, we sure can do that,” Joseph says winking at him.

Adam was going to have a  _ stroke _ trying to even start with dealing with Joseph. So to stop that from happening, Adam closes his eyes and takes three deep breaths in, and three deep breaths out.

_ Alright. _

As Adam was about to ask  _ again _ about what Joseph wanted to talk about, Joseph just stops him and says “You know, you don’t have to deal with it.”

It takes a few seconds to digest the words into Adam’s mind; he was so confused when hearing it first. Then when it clicked, he was  _ pissed _ .

“It’s none of your business,  _ Kavinsky _ .” Adam says harshly, looking at the other boy with hard-set eyes.

Adam knows he’s not close to being Joseph’s height. But he sure could try to be someone not to be messed with.

_ Someone as sharp-edged as Ronan but also logical and smart as Gansey. _

Adam could be someone more.

Someone who wasn’t Adam Parrish, the trailer park kid that had to wear hand-me-downs to save money on food and heat.

Adam doesn’t want to be Adam.

Joseph doesn’t seem like he is affected at all by Adam’s words, which just makes Adam know he really can’t be like the others.

Can’t be as great and bold as the others can be.

“Your right. It  _ isn’t _ any of my business.” Joseph says as if he really meant by it.

_ Jeez _ , this guy was just a whiplash after whiplash of turning around in this conversion. Adam knew Joseph could be some type of mystery character by all the rumors, but this was just straight up confusing him.

The silence drifts back around them like maybe it never left their sides in the first place. None of the two talk to each other, but both feel like it doesn’t matter right now.

Adam then leans beside Joseph on his Evo. He doesn’t know why but he just feels so exhausted. So exhausted that he has to have something supporting his body from pulling him into the ground below.

Joseph doesn’t seem to mind that Adam might be smuggling his car with his ass. So he doesn’t move from his now founded spot.

What feels like minutes go by, Joseph pulls out a pack of cigarettes. He takes one out for himself.  _ Didn’t just have one? _

Seeing Adam looking at his pack of cigarettes, Joseph offers him one.

“Ha, that stuff gives you cancer.”

With a shrug of his shoulders, Joseph places a single cigarette between his lips. Flicking a lighter to life and burning the tip, he takes a few puffs before he inhales a long drag.

Blowing smoke directly into Adam’s airspace, replies.

“That’s the point.”

 

* * *

The school day whines down boringly -- especially boringly after the lunch ‘talk’ Joseph had with Adam. Yeah, it isn’t much but him doing a little chain-smoking and leaning against his car like a douche. But it’s worth the way the fire in Adam’s eyes wants to burn him alive, sear him to the bone. That gives him enough to want to ‘talk’ with the kid more.

He wants to find out more about the boy who is Adam Parrish.

And Joseph is going to do exactly that.

Joseph didn’t find Adam at the end of the day at Aglionby. That was fine with him; he didn’t need to be up the kid’s ass like Gansey was. As in every fucking second of the day.

Dear fuck, he didn’t want to be like Gansey.

But that was why he was Joseph Kavinsky.

_ The one and fucking only, bitches. _

Grabbing his car keys in his back pocket, he feels a slight vibration in his front one. Before he can even pull out his phone as well, he hears a terrible squealing of metal against metal. He looks where the noises are coming from, and he’s praying that it isn’t what he thinks it is.

And to his disappointment, it’s exactly what he thinks it is.

Running quickly over to his Evo, and seeing the fucking stupid ass Supra that was offensively too close, he looks in disbelief in seeing that whoever drove this Supra didn’t know  _ shit _ about spaces between cars.

“What.the.fuck.” Joseph says looking at the side of his Evo’s once beautifully done white paint job, that is now ruined with angry black streaks from the other car next to it.

Looking at the Supra’s drivers window rolling down slowly, a head pops out.

“Ahhh shit,” the asshole says it like he just stepped in dog shit.

Soon, the asshole in the Supra sees Joseph looking at his poor Evo. And this fucker does some stupid cartoon shit by looking back and forward between the ugly black streaks on his Evo and to Joseph’s face.

“Is this your car?”

_ Is this car mine??? Is this fucking car mine????? _

Joseph honestly feels his blood pressure go up ten fold just by that dumbass’ question, not even accounting for this little shit scraping his car.

And his phone was still vibrating in his pocket.

“Hey! Earth to Major Tom, is this your car?”

“Fuck off!” Joseph yells at the guy, not caring at this point if headmaster Child comes to get his ass once again. Joseph simply ignores everything and everyone, as he pulls out his phone and sees who’s calling him.

Trying his best-est to draw himself back a bit as he taps on the phone.

“Hey, mama.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really wanna say a big thanks to Leeikia for being the first to comment! You, good person ꒰⌗´͈ ᵕ ॣ`͈⌗꒱৩ are wonderful.


	6. Bring out the worst

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "When love comes, honey show it. So many of us blow it."
> 
> "This kind of shit don't heal in a week."
> 
> ~My blue supreme by Interpol

“Heya, sweety. Are you still in school?” His mother’s soft voice echoes through the tiny speakers on his phone.

He turns his back to the asshole in the Supra and answers his mother instead of having to deal with anything else right this second.

“Yeah, I am, but I’m just walking out to my car as we speak. Is everything okay?” Joseph asks in a normal tone, but  _ god _ did he hope everything was okay.

He wouldn’t talk to  _ anyone _ in this way but to his mother.

Only to her.

“A-ahh yeah, everything's pretty alright. I’m just calling to make sure you're up to good things, that’s all.”

It’s not unusual for his mother to call and check up on him out of the blue, just wanting to hear his voice to ease her rapid-fire nerves.

It’s not an insult for her to say ‘good things,’ either. It just means that she’s making up scenarios in her mind that don’t stop until she knows he’s breathing and his heart is beating.

He wants to ask her the typical question she hates to hear, so he let it go. He doesn’t want to start a fight with her again over it. He can always check the bottle when he gets back to the house, anyway.

“I think going to school is a pretty good thing, don’t you?”

“In all honesty, I think you're too smart for that snobby school in the first place, but yes, school is a good thing to have.”

His mother was always ready to throw out compliments his way.

Sometimes he just doesn’t know if she is saying them in truth or trying to make him like her more.

He loves his mother.

“If you say so, mama. Well if you need anything, I’ll be going to the store and out for awhile before heading back home. If you need anything, you know how to get ahold of me.”

She doesn’t reply to him, and only the gentle sounds of her breathing goes through the other line. Seconds pass, and he gets the feeling she won’t say anything at all, until he hears a reassuring ‘okay.’

“Okay. I’ll see you later.”

“Yeah,” she says back to him in a somber tone.

She is the one to hang up first, which isn’t abnormal either.

He loves his mother no matter what.

Letting out a long, drawn-out sigh and gathering more appropriate words, Joseph turned back around to probably have a better talk with Supra boy...

Who is now out of his car.

_ Greeeeaaaaatt. _

“Alright, first, please don’t yell. Pretty sure this is a high-end school, and they probably don’t appreciate it. Second, I’m new here, and third I’ll pay for the damages that I did.” The boy says to Joseph.

The guy really must be new, if he doesn’t know who Joseph is and also doesn’t know that his Evo is his fucking life source.

Meaning he’s really new here.

_ What bad luck. _

Joseph doesn’t know shit about the guy, either.

He has silky black hair that matches with his thick-set eyebrows. His hair pokes out of his greyish blue snapback, which of course is on backward. The guy has soft yet well-rounded features, unlike Joseph who is all edge and dull to the bone.

Seems like the guy is getting nervous with Joseph not replying to his offer.

_ Good. _

Stretching out a somewhat friendly hand, the kid says “ I’m Jiang by the way. And who must you be?”

_ Wow, the kid actually had the balls. Joseph doesn’t even have to check to see that. _

“Kavinsky,” Joseph says while purposely not taking Jiang’s hand gesture.

While trying to save himself, Jiang tries smoothly to take his hand back and places it is his back pocket, pulling out a shiny leather black wallet.

“So how much would it be? 1,600? 2,000?” Jiang says while looking down, counting the bills in his wallet.

“I would say about 3,000,” Joseph says, smirking when Jiang’s face flies up from looking at his wallet.

“Do you think I’m stupid enough to keep three grand in my wallet? In cash??”

“I don’t know, you tell me? You’re the one to fuck up my car in the first place. Have you never learned how to space cars correctly in drivers ED? Because it doesn’t look like it.” Joseph says while picking underneath his fingernails, feeling bored.

“That sure is a nasty attitude problem  _ Kavinsky _ . Like what the fuck is wrong with you?”

“Well, that’s probably going to be a longer list than the men your mother has fucked in the past year.”

Jiang’s looks like he’s about to choke on his own tongue with that one. Disbelief is written all over the guy’s face, too. Jiang most likely hasn’t met a single person who’s talked to him like that, especially never talked to someone like Joseph before.

Coming back to his senses, Jiang says “You’re just some white rich boy, why do I bother trying to talk to you.” He shakes his head.

Taking out his pack of dream cigarettes and pulling a single one out, Joseph replies with “Very nice of you to take notice,  _ Jiang _ . I’m glad.”

“You're just a real asshole, dude.”

“Mhmm yeah, keep talking dirty to me,” Joseph says in a smooth tone, as he lights his cigarette.

What surprises Joseph is that Jiang starts laughing.

Like a full-on piss-yourself-silent-laugh-type-of-shit, kind of laugh.

As Jiang calms himself down, wiping tears from his eyes. He takes a deep breath and walks over to Joseph.

With a kind smile, Jiang says, “Alright dude, you won me over. Where’s your nearest auto shop?”

 

* * *

Ronan waits for Adam to get out from school, without Gansey by his side.

Gansey wasn't thrilled to see that Adam doesn’t tag along for the chance to come out with Ronan to help and see what the hell Gansey did last night but  _ oh well _ .

What was more on Ronan’s mind is what he saw earlier before leaving to fix up the Pig.

Joseph Kavinsky is leaning a little too close to Adam Parrish.

Two very different people, yet they are together talking and going somewhere.

_ Where are they going? What are they talking about?  _ Ronan thinks to himself as he leans his head on the steering wheel.

He knows K can and  _ will _ talk to anyone -- but Adam? That just doesn’t add up enough to make any sense for Ronan to find.

_ Maybe K is just being his normal dick self, and just bugging the hell out of Adam? That’s the only way I can make any sense of this. _

But the only thing wrong with that thought process is: why is Adam just going with it?

Adam, being the person he is, wouldn’t willingly take harsh words like that from the other boy. That’s just how Adam is. He’s smart enough to just walk away from shit like that. From  _ people _ like that.

_ Well normally….. _

It doesn’t add up, and it’s really starting to bring on a headache for Ronan. His thoughts just keep repeating the reasons that might be behind this but then saying that it can’t happen.

They're just so different.

But yet, so are Adam and him.

Hearing the passenger door open and then close, Ronan keeps his head on the wheel and turns it to see a tired-looking Adam tossing his backpack carefully in the back. Adam turns to him.

Ronan can’t help but notice the discoloration on the boy’s face. On Adam’s forehead and slowly creeping down to his eye, the tone of the skin just looks  _ off _ .

He never likes it when Adam goes back to his home. Ronan especially doesn’t like Robert Parrish. The man has a look to him that screams  _ foul _ and  _ liar _ to Ronan.

The thing Ronan doesn’t like seeing Robert Parrish doing is the way he looks at Adam. The utter distaste on the man’s face is clear as day to Ronan. But he hopes that Robert Parrish can see the hatred in his eyes, and can feel the sting on his skin every moment their eyes meet.  

He wants Robert Parrish to know exactly how he feels.

But he knows that that would put Adam in a situation that would be hard. And even harder even it came to any of Gansey or his help in the matter.

Ronan wants to touch the skin on Adam’s face.

To make sure that his worries and paranoid thoughts are wrong.

But when his thoughts involve Adam, they aren’t wrong.

They are always right.

And that just scares Ronan more.

So Ronan doesn’t stretch out his hand to touch the tan, freckled skin on Adam’s face. Instead, he tightens his grip on the steering wheel until his knuckles turn white with irritation.

_ Fuck _ , if Ronan were any good with words, he would ask Adam so many damn questions.

However, words get Ronan nowhere.

So he put his car keys in the ignition and twists them until he hears the soothing sound of his father’s BMW come alive. Turning his head to Adam, Ronan asks “Ready?”

With a loud huff of breath, Adam turns to Ronan and gives him a cocky smile.

“Ready.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright so this chapter is a little shorter then normal but I still hope it good.
> 
> Also Joseph meets Jiang! That's 1 out of 4 of the dream pack guys. Also wanted to say this story from what's been going on in my little mind is going to be long. Do I know how long? No but just long.
> 
> Anyway I hope y'all liked this chapter. I wanted to know a lot about Jiang's personality but that's hard of course when we are only given one sentence in the book's from him.


	7. But the best is not enough tonight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You don’t think that Jesus ever could forgive you,  
> You don't believe a sinner ever can be saved."
> 
> "There's a longing in your eyes,  
> Like a dog about to be put down."
> 
> "But you don’t like to think about those types of things."
> 
> ~ Don't come home by All human.

“Declan wants to me to meet with him at Nino’s tonight,” Ronan says as he stares out the windshield window, making sure he doesn’t take his eyes off the road.

Hearing of the older brother of the Lynch’s wasn’t something Ronan talked about often. Well not often enough to not be screaming while he did it.

Raising a single eyebrow, Adam turns his head to look at Ronan’s blank face.

“And? Are you going to meet with him?” Adam says while trying not to push too much out of on him at once.

Ronan continues to maintain the blank features on his face, but Adam still notices the stiffness in his shoulders and the whitening of his knuckles curling around the steering wheel.

“He also wants to bring Ashley.”

“Who’s  _ Ashley _ again?” Adam says, but he knows exactly who Ashley really is.

But it doesn’t stop the small smirk that lingers a little longer on Ronan’s face for knowing that he does.

“But yeah, Declan wants to meet and -- Well he IS meeting me, even if I told him no and fuck off, he'd still come after me. If he really wanted too.” Ronan says while blowing out a huff of air.

Adam knows this is true about Declan.

After the brother's father had passed, Declan became a lot stricter with Ronan-- well from what Gansey has told Adam, at least.

Gansey has always made it a point to tell Adam that Ronan wasn’t always ready to fight anyone who disagreed with his actions or thoughts; that Ronan wasn’t always sharp-tongued and loose with words; that after his father’s death Ronan seemed to change right before Gansey’s eyes, and that no one could stop it from happening.

Adam kinda wants to know if he would even like that type of Ronan.

Answering Ronan’s words with a head nod, he lets the other boy continue if he needs to.

“You should’ve been there to see Gansey trying to talk on the phone with him. It was pretty grade-A-plus stuff. I was almost dying of laughter when I started to hear the lecture Declan was spouting to him.”

Adam can only imagine what kind of ‘teachings’ Declan is trying to enforce on Gansey.

Declan should really know better than to think that Gansey wouldn’t choose Ronan over him any day of the week.

“He probably wanted you to hear him through the speakers. Talking to Gansey as if you weren’t there like he always does.” Adam says as he rolls down his window, feeling the moist breeze coming through.

Hearing that, Ronan starts to laugh.

But it isn’t airy and free but rather bitter and all-knowing.

“Glad that you also took a notice to that. I thought I was the only one.”

Adam wants to say he always noticed it, that he can always see the frustrated lines on Ronan’s face when his own brother talks down to him to other people. Like somehow Ronan isn’t all ‘there’ to understand that his actions hurt himself in the long term.

Adam knows that Ronan understands perfectly well what he does to himself.

It just seems like Declan is the only one that doesn’t understand.

Or maybe he does but doesn’t want to believe that Ronan would do such a thing to himself.

Both of the boys fall into a soft silence as the music plays in the car.

Adam leans his head against the open window, staring out into the open fields of grass and land, as Ronan steadily drives along the road. Adam likes these times almost the best with Ronan.

No words.

No real rush to get anywhere.

No one to deal with.

Just the two of them.

Adam likes these times with Ronan so much he could sit in the car forever until his body turns to nothing but bones and lost thoughts.

Adam hopes that Ronan feels the same way.

_ God _ , he did hope.

 

* * *

“Ma! I’m back!” Joseph says as he walks through the double doors, softly closing them behind him.

As he places some of the shit he got from earlier onto the center of the kitchen island, he’s met with the silence of the large home, which could mean that his mother is in her room or out doing something, and it must be the latter because he saw her car in the driveway when Jiang dropped him off.

Thinking back to what Jiang told him, something still baffles Joseph to no end. Well, maybe it was the whole time he spent with Jiang that baffled him.

_ (Flashback) _

_ “It’s gonna to be three grand in total and probably gonna take until tomorrow evening. Well, maybe tomorrow night if it takes any longer. So maybe try for that.” The auto mechanic told them after looking at Joseph’s Evo. _

_ Joseph gave a nice side smug glance over to Jiang, who just looked in surprise to know that Joseph was right. _

_ Before Joseph could say ‘I fucking told you so,’ Jiang pointed a finger at him, saying, “Don’t even say it. It’s written on your face that you want to.” _

_ Jiang turned his attention back to the mechanic and asked if the shop took credit cards. To their benefit, the shop did. _

_ “But it would make me feel sooo much better if I did say it,” Joseph said as they walk over to the cash register. _

_ Jiang swiped his card and punched in some numbers. The mechanic gave him his receipt and also handed over his business card, just in case they would like to call and check up on things. _

_ As they walked back over to Jiang’s Supra, Jiang said, “Oh, like your ego needs more stroking? After knowing you for 2 hours, I know enough to think that’s not the brightest idea.” _

_ Joseph stopped in front of the Supra. _

_ “Not gonna get in? Come on. I’ll drive you to- where do you want me to drop you off?” _

_ “My house would be nice unless you're going to try and kill me after spending three grand on my car.” _

_ Jiang laughed like Joseph was telling a joke. _

_ Joseph wasn’t joking, but he played along with it as if he was. _

_ Jiang unlocked his car, and both of them got in. _

 

* * *

__

_ After a lot of giving of what Jiang would call it ‘absolute shit directions,’ the Supra pulled to a stop in front of Joseph’s house.   _

_ Joseph grabbed the bags of things he got while out and moved to push open the car door. _

_ But not before Jiang had something to say. _

_ “Not even going to thank me? I would say I’m disappointed, yet I’m not,” he said with sarcasm. _

_ “You should be thanking me for not beating your ass in for messing up my car.” _

_ “Ahh, I guess you're right. How could ‘I’ have even made it through the day in this town without your wise assholeness self.” _

_ “You wouldn’t have, darling. I’m the best this shit place got.” Joseph said while getting out and shutting the car door. _

_ Jiang rolled the passenger window down, saying, “Hey, you wanna like hang out again?” _

_ That really caught Joseph off guard. _

_ “You what?” Joseph said, confused.   _

_ “Well after seeing that you’re still a complete asshole with big attitude problems -” _

_ “Yes, very.” _

_ “Let me finish, douche.” _

_ “Ahh yes, please continue your speech for the crowd.” _

_ “Anyway, even if we did ended up on the wrong foot -” _

_ “Actually wrong ‘car’ but go off.” _

_ “Wrong  _ **_‘foot.’_ ** _  And I think I would need to know how to get around this town, and it seems you’re the best candidate for the option.” _

_ “Wow, are you sure you haven’t won an Oscar?” _

_ Jiang didn’t seem amused, but the light in his eyes tells Joseph otherwise. _

_ “Well, we go to the same school, so we’re bound to bump into each other in no time. Also, I think my roomie Swan would like you too.” _

_ “Damn, where did you guys even come from? It’s almost the second semester, and you just think coming to this school near the middle would be a good idea?” _

_ “Everyone's got different ideas, Joseph. Some ideas just don’t make sense.” Jiang said to him through the window. _

_ Joseph nodded in agreement. _

_ “Well, anyway, see ya later,” Jiang said while giving Joseph a slight hand wave. _

_ “Later.” _

_ And like that, Jiang drove away. _

 

* * *

 

 

Joseph can’t understand why Jiang wants to hang out with him.

Maybe Jiang has heard of  _ Joseph Kavinsky, _ the partier and is only trying to get close to him.

But for what purpose?

If Jiang has really caught wind of what Joseph does, then why doesn’t he just ask Joseph straight up if he wants something?

_ Maybe he’s shy? Maybe he doesn’t want to seem shady? _

_ But I’m fucking shady, so why does it matter?  _ Joseph thinks.

But after the time spent with the guy, he doesn’t seem like the shy type at all.  _ Hell _ , he kinda has the same attitude as Joseph but was way more polite about things.

Joseph can’t make sense of it.

Still not getting a reply from his mom, Joseph makes his way to the staircase. Walking in front of his mom's door, he knocks first and doesn’t go in until he hears a ‘come in.’

“I’m home,” Joseph says again, poking his head in first.

“Welcome home, sweetie,” his mom says while laying in her queen size bed with the covers pulled all the way up to her chin.

Making his way more into her room, he sits on the edge of her bed.

“How’ve you been doing? Eat anything?” He asks kindly.

Sitting up from where she is, he sees how tired she looks.

People used to say he always looked like his father, which pissed him off to no end but he still has his mom’s eyes. No one can deny that about him and her, that they share the same heavy eyelids and matching brown-green hazel eyes.

Joseph thinks it’s his best feature in all honesty.

She doesn’t look at him but instead stares at her hands that lay in her lap. Joseph reaches over and tucks a lock of her curly caramel-colored hair behind her ear.

She doesn’t move from his touch, but she does let out a heavy sigh.

“I’m fine, really just a little tired that’s all.”

Joseph can tell that everything is not  _ fine _ , especially when he sees the yellowish white substance that lingers on one of her concaved nostrils.

_ Not again. _

He doesn’t want to bring it up.  _ Fuck _ , he would like to talk about anything else. He could even talk about the Parrish boy right now.

But if he just ignores it, then she would just keep taking them this way.

“Ma, did you take your medication?” Joseph asks extremely softly, trying to keep his voice quiet.

“What the hell did you just ask me?” Anastasiya hisses through her teeth.

“Mama, I’m just asking you if -”

“Don’t even start Joseph. Of course, I took the fucking pills.” She says harshly pulling away from him.

He isn’t even sitting that close to her, but all he can feel was the coldness left behind.

“How did you take them then?” Joseph knows that this won’t be good, but he has to ask.

For her health.

Because Joseph loves his mom.

“Why does it matter? I took them right. That should be fine enough,  _ Joseph _ .”

He doesn’t like the way she says his name.

“Yeah, it’s important that you took them, but snorting them isn’t great for your body, ma. Remember what the doctor said.”

Suddenly the blankets are being thrown at him, and Anastasiya is standing on the other side of the bed. Her face is filled with rage, ready to throw anger and harsh stinging words. Hair once tamed but now fizzy and stained are spilling out onto her face.

He can feel the heat of her anger come off of her.

_ At least it was better than the coldness. _

Raising a finger at him that shakes from too many emotions.

Too many emotions that he knowns run through her.

He loves his mother.

“Y-you don’t get to talk to me like I’m a child,  _ Joseph _ . I’m your mother!” She roars from the bottom of her lungs. “You think that that medicine will get any damn faster into my system just by taking them ‘normally?’”

Not moving from his seat, Joseph says “Maybe it does take longer for them to get into your system, but you know how bad it can be by doing it your ‘way,’” He shoots back at her.

“You don’t know how much I hurt! How much I have to deal with! Snorting the medication is the only way to feel better, faster! You think your smart just because you get to go to that school, but really you’re not.” She laughs hysterically.

“You’re just a fucking kid,  _ Joseph _ . And I’m your mother, so you better start treating me like one.” She says before stomping towards her bathroom.

But she turns around last second, looking at him dead in the eyes. Her eyes are not the shining color they once were but empty.

Empty for him.

“You’re just as controlling as your father,  _ Joseph _ . Just as cold and manipulative, too.” She smiles, but not even the light reaches her eyes.

“Just.Like.Him.”

She slams the bathroom door behind her.

Locking herself away from the world.

Locking herself away from him.

He can hear her screams and sobs among the sounds of things being thrown at the floor, shattering.

Joseph stands from the bed and walks over to the door, closing it behind him quietly. He makes his way over to his bedroom.

Sometimes people say you can tell a lot about someone just by looking at their bedrooms.

Joseph wonders if the lack of color and emptiness that is his room, says anything about him.

He sits on his bed slowly. He feels as if his movements need to be soft, need to be gentle, or else he will destroy everything that lays in his wake.

Placing his head in his hands.

He starts shaking.

He shakes from knowing that he killed his father and buried his lifeless body.

He shakes from knowing he can’t fully help his mom’s illness.

He shakes from the lack of sleep and food in his system.

He shakes from withdrawals.

He shakes with knowing that he ‘is’ just like his father but can’t stop it.

He shakes and  _ shakes  _ until he is no more than a shell of the boy he had become.

He should’ve died that night.

He really should’ve.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowz, this chapter is long but maybe it makes up for yesterdays chapter? Who know's. (ง ´͈౪`͈)ว Also my editor was partying last night so they couldn't fix it until today. Hope y'all don't mind ヽ(｡･c_,･｡)ﾉﾞ
> 
> Wanna say that thank you all for the kudos and comments! I really love hearing the feed back that some people (wink , wink, cough, cough) gives me. Helps me out a lot that knowing people are enjoying this story.


	8. Look at what you've done

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The only thing I'm good at is letting go,"  
> That's why I couldn't love you and I couldn't let you know."
> 
> "Like oh oh oh,  
> So bloody nose."
> 
> ~Bloody nose by Bay Faction

“Table for four please,” Gansey says to the bubbly waitress.

It’s around seven at night, and the group of boys drove over to Nino’s to get some pizza and for Gansey to talk to all of them about what he found.

The waitress walks them over to their booth, and they try to squish themselves into it the best they can. Taking their orders, the waitress walks away, looking a little more annoyed by them than before.

He can’t blame her.

Talking goes back and forth easily between Adam and Gansey, while Ronan and Noah play with the salt and pepper shakers at their table.

Adam finds out that Gansey somehow recorded himself talking when ‘he’ ‘himself’ wasn’t actually talking at all in the moments on the recorder during the events of last night. A lot of talking of the ley line that crosses into Henrietta and how it could affect everything and anything.There are so many things that Adam knows little about.

Good thing Gansey is more than ready to talk about those things to the full extent.

When pizza arrives at their table, everyone eats their fill. Well, not Noah, but that is normal for the pale, quiet boy to do, and they never push it on him to eat anyway.

Once in a while, Adam asks if Noah would like one of his granola bars that he carries around with him but is always answered with a ‘Nah.’

At some point in between eating and talking, Gansey says he’ll be back and goes off somewhere into the diner.

“Ronan, your phone’s going off,” Noah says as he stacks the salt and pepper shakers on top of each other carefully, giving Ronan’s phone a heavy glare as it vibrates on the table.

“Just let it ring for now,” Ronan says leaning back a little more in his seat.

Noah doesn’t seem to appreciate that answer, sighing loudly as the stack of shakers falls over.

Adam tries his best to ignore both boys, as he now focuses on his homework. He already finished it earlier, but it never hurts anyone to double check, right?

He feels someone smoothly moves their way back into the tooth beside him.

“Did you get a call from Helen?” Adam says, still keeping his focus on the papers in front of him.

“I don’t know a Helen but sounds hot,” A voice calls back to him.

Lifting his head away from his homework, Adam freezes when he’s met with the smug face of none other than Joseph Kavinsky.

He can only look at Joseph with his mouth slightly open. Adam’s so shell-shocked to see him here of all places. Well ‘here’ as in the same booth as him and the others in his small group.

Everyone around Henriette came to Nino’s.

That is kinda a fact.

“ _ What.The.Fuck.” _ Ronan says from across the table. Adam thinks that Ronan will most likely appear as shocked as Adam himself felt,  but Ronan has always been good at a blank face.

Unless he is pissed. Then you can very much tell how Ronan feels then.

“What? Can’t a friend hang out once in a while?” Joseph says to Ronan while scooting more into the booth with Adam.

Now Adam has no escape from any of them.

_ Why did I always have to pick an inside seat? Stupid, just stupid.  _ Adam thinks, mentally kicking himself.

“ _ No _ ,” Ronan says.

“Acquaintance?” Joseph asks.

“ _ No,”  _ Ronan says again.

“Well ain’t you just hard to  _ please _ ,” Joseph scoffs as he takes a sip off of Adams drink.

_ Guess I’m not drinking from that anymore. _

The only sound that goes around them is the vibration of Ronan’s phone still going off on the wooden surface of their table. Adam is about to grab the phone himself and answer it, but Ronan surprisingly takes it in his hand, slipping away from the booth as well.

Leaving Noah and Adam to be alone with Joseph.

Adam feels anger prickle inside him, when Ronan finally answers his phone to leave both him and Noah in a situation like this.

“Wow, that was a dick move.” Joseph remarks on Ronan’s sudden leaving. Eyeing the boy as he leaves the diner through the front door.

“Really? You think that him leaving is the only  _ ‘dick’ _ move here?” Adam says, closing his notebook and putting it back into his backpack.

_ Yes _ , Adam would say that Ronan leaving was not cool on Ronan’s part, but Adam can’t really blame him for heading out so soon. Ronan might’ve left so he wouldn’t punch the guy in the face. If that was so, Adam at least appreciates that.

Gansey is off somewhere unknown, and Ronan’s anger rages out of control, which is not a good mix. Adam is Ronan’s friend, but can Adam stop Ronan from fighting?

He doesn’t know if he can. Doesn’t really want to find out, either.

He only knows that Gansey can do that with Ronan.

And no one else.

Noah looks amused by Adam’s words but says nothing to no one.

Joseph raises a dark brown eyebrow at Adam. “Did I really interrupt your guy's group date? Should I have brought flowers for everyone?” Joseph chuckles.

“You think that’s a funny joke? Is that really the best you can do? Make jokes about people’s sexualities?” Adam stares at Joseph from next to him.

“Wow, wow there dude. I wasn’t trying to -”

“Adam,” Noah says quietly.

“I’m talking here  _ Casper _ .” Joseph turns his head to look at Noah.

Adam rubs his temples thoroughly with his fingers, the irritation and annoyance with having no clue where Gansey is and dealing with Joseph more times in the one day than he would like too, is really starting to get to him.  

Plus his face is starting to ache again.

_ God, this day just never seemed to end. _

“ _ Adam _ ,” Noah says again but louder and bolder than the last time.

Before Joseph can even start to say anything to either of them, Adam says “Yeah, Noah?”

“Declan’s here,” Noah says hollowly. The sockets of his eyes look more sunken in than usual, leaving his features to look haunting under the dim lighting.

It doesn’t take Adam more than a few seconds to push through Joseph, getting out of the booth and running towards the diner’s front door. He hears Joseph call after him, but Adam can’t care to deal with him right now.

Even if Adam probably can’t stop a fight, he can try his best to prevent one from ever starting.

He rushes outside into the darkness of the night, and the cold, bitter wind blows onto his bare skin. Even if it is hotter during the day, it can turn a lot colder without the sun bearing down on everything.

Adam looks around in the parking lot to see any signs of the Lynch boys.

And Adam does see them, but it doesn’t look good from Ronan’s stature and the jaw muscles moving stiffly through him. Declan’s not in Ronan’s face, but he doesn’t have to be by the looks of it. Declan is saying something to Ronan as Adam makes his way over, but it’s too late.

Ronan’s pulls back and lets a swing go into directly into Declan’s face. Declan falls to the asphalt, but he’s up again in milliseconds, throwing his own punches at Ronan.

_ Fuck. _

“ _ Ronan!” _ Adam calls as he runs over.

Adam is on Ronan and trying his best to get the younger brother off of the older one, then Adam is slammed right in the nose by Ronan’s whirling elbow.

“ _ Fuck.” _ Adam hisses through his teeth as he falls to the ground, clutching his already gushing nose.

Somehow while Adam is on the ground holding his nose, Joseph kneels right beside him.

Adam doesn’t even understand how the other boy got out of the diner so fast, but there are a lot of things about Joseph that he can’t wrap his head around.

“ _ Holy shit,  _ you okay dude?” Joseph says so quietly that Adam almost doesn’t hear him. Joseph’s hands are up and ready to attend to anything Adam needs but doesn’t move closer until Adam says anything.

Adam pulls both of his shaky hands away from his nose, just to stare down to the bloody mess that they are. Tasting the metallic in his mouth only makes it more clear that the blood is all over his lower face.

The look of concern and anger is transparent on Joseph’s face, when he sees the blood on Adam’s hands through the dim light in the parking lot overlights.

The pain is not too much for Adam, as he is somewhat accustomed to it. But the whirling of the world around him as he stands is a bit too much for him, and he falls back down on his knees as he tries again and again.

“ _ Jesus _ Parrish, just come here. I’ll help.”

Before Adam can even snap back at Joseph that Adam Parrish doesn’t need anyone’s  _ fucking _ help, the taller boy grabs Adam by the side of the ribs and lifts Adam’s arm over his head.

“Dude, just put your weight on me. I might be a skinny guy, but I’m not weak,” Joseph says to him.

As Adam starts to feel more pain throughout his entire face, he gives in to Joseph’s help for now. Leaning his weight against the boy, Joseph starts moving him somewhere that isn’t near any of the fight.

Adam doesn’t even know if the fight is still going on. Turning his head and taking a look back, Adam sees Gansey pulling Ronan off of Declan.

_ Why couldn’t I do that?  _ Adam thinks shamefully.

_ Why couldn’t I be strong enough to stop it? _

Joseph walks both of them up to something that isn’t Joseph’s normal Evo. Taking his car keys out, Joseph unlocks the car and opens the passenger door to carefully sit Adam in it.

“Hold up,” Joseph says as he moves over to the glove compartment, opening it to reveal lots of napkins.

Lots and lots of napkins.

“Here. Oh and don’t tilt your head back unless you want to swallow your own blood. Just kinda? Move it forward a bit. Uhm shit, like  _ ‘this’, _ ” Joseph shows Adam how to, by gently touching Adam’s head and moving it forward slightly.

“And just hold it like that until it stops,” Joseph says, taking his hands back from Adam’s head.

Adam can’t be imagining it, but the touch seems to linger a little longer.

Adam can and  _ does _ want to ask why Joseph is being so nice to him right now, but the pain seems like it will only hurt more if he opens his mouth.

So he keeps it shut for now.

“My  _ god _ , Adam, are you alright?” A familiar voice calls out, and when Adam looks that way, he sees Gansey walking towards them.

Joseph moves over so Gansey can take a better look at him.

_ Why is Joseph being so out of character? _ Adam thinks as he takes a quick glance at Joseph, who stands awkwardly to the side with his hands stuffed into his pants pockets.

“I’m alright. Just a nosebleed, that’s all.” Adam tries his best to sound reassuring to Gansey, but he doesn’t know how reassuring he can be while his lower face is covered in his own blood.

“Just a nosebleed.” Gansey echoes his words.

“Get the fuck away _ , Ronan. _ ”

Adam doesn’t understand what’s happening as he turns his head and see Ronan approaching all of them. Even as the lights are barely giving any of them enough to see, Adam can still spot the horror and shame written on Ronan’s face.

Ronan then looks at Joseph.

“Why are you here again?” Ronan says with less venom than earlier.

“Oh!” Joseph huffs loudly. “Well maybe if you weren’t trying to beat in your bros face in, you would possibly know that.”

Of course, Adam knows that is a lie.

Joseph hasn’t told any of them why he is really here yet.

“Ronan, it’s okay,” Adam says, interrupting whatever Joseph would say next if he doesn’t stop the guy now.

Ronan’s eyes lay thickly on Adam’s features, absorbing the sight in front of him.

Adam tries to at least give a lopsided smile for his friend through the pain, but Adam thinks it just makes it ten times worse by the glossiness of that shine in Ronan’s pale blue eyes.

Adam is about to say more, but Ronan turns away from them swiftly.

Turning away from Adam.

He can’t say that that didn’t hurt less than his nose.

Watching as Ronan walks his way over to his father’s old black BMW, Adam calls out to him.

“Ronan! Come on!” Adam stands up, holding one hand up to his nose and the other holding onto the car for support. But Ronan doesn’t listen to him, even as Gansey joins in with Adam. It doesn’t stop Ronan from opening up the driver's door and jumping in, slamming it hard behind himself.

Adam’s and Gansey’s calls are drowned out by the roar of Ronan tearing out of the parking lot.

Leaving all of them.

And leaving Adam behind.

Hurt and confused, Adam tilts his head back to look at the black and vast night sky. Tasting the blood that slowly trickles its way down his throat. He thinks about how cold he is, hardly feeling it before but now…

But now, it seems like it’s all he can feel.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I hope y'all like this chapter. I kinda feel like it's rushed but I don't know what about it?


	9. Don't tell me to look

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And in the city, I never saw the stars,  
> Until I made it up to your parts."
> 
> "And you convinced me that the only way to watch the sunset,  
> Was in the passenger seat of your car, your car."
> 
> ~ Parks and Altars by Mallcops

Ronan sees it.

He sees the blood that cakes Adam’s lower face and hands. He sees how it looks black in the night, how Adam doesn’t seem fazed by it.

_ Please, please just be angry about it, Adam. Doesn’t look like this happens often. Just be angry, damn it. Be pissed. Walk up and punch me. _

_ Tell me to fuck off. _

_ Tell me you hate me. _

Seeing Adam like  _ this _ makes Ronan’s stomach flip in too many uncomfortable ways. And it only makes it worse knowing that  _ he  _ is the one that did it.

Not even Robert Parrish, the boy’s abusive father.

Not some stranger on the streets trying to steal money off of Adam.

Not even some asshole at their preppy fucking school.

But him.

Ronan, who is supposed to be Adam’s friend.

Friends who care about each other’s well being, to help in times of need, to joke around when one of them messes up on trying to be cool.

Friends are supposed to protect each other.

Friends don’t do  _ this  _ to one another.

Ronan is a coward, and he knows it.

He turns right around, darting back over to his BMW. Past Declan who looks like he needs to put a T bone steak on those swelling bruises.

Ronan knows he doesn’t look any better than his brother.

He can hear the beaconing calls from Adam and Gansey telling him to stop and come back to them. But he can’t stop, not now.

Not after what’s he’s done to Adam.

He has no right to look at him.

Throwing himself into the BMW’s driver’s seat, he slams the door closed. His sweaty fingers fumble with the car keys as he tries to grip them enough to up them into the ignition.

“Just  _ fucking _ work for once!” Ronan yells at his throbbing hands. They sting and ache with torn-up skin on his red-rimmed knuckles from the fight with Declan.

He knows that it’s his own shakiness that’s making things difficult here. But it doesn’t stop him from hitting the steering wheel with both hands out of fury.

Finally sticking the keys in the ignition, he starts the car and throws it into drive. He pulls out of Nino’s parking lot, leaving the others behind him.

He pushes his foot firmer into the gas pedal, not knowing how fast he’s going, but he could care less. Ronan wants to drive away from it.

Drive away from it all…

From the hurt expression Gansey’s had when Ronan told him, he doesn’t want to go to school anymore.

From Declan’s words of disapproval from anything and everything Ronan did in his life.

From the memory of the dying look and mangled face of his father in the barns. Knowing Ronan was just sleeping under some  _ fucking _ tree when it all happened. Knowing he could have done something,  _ anything _ to save his father’s life.

Losing his mother to some type of coma that no one knew how to fix or why and how it even happened. What brought it on so suddenly?

And from Adam’s forgiving eyes and bloodied face.

Ronan doesn’t deserve that type of forgiveness.

Ronan  _ knows _ he doesn’t deserve it.

He just needs to drive until everything is just dust in the wind, behind his tires as he passes speed limits and breaks laws.

He just needs to drive.

_Just_ _drive_.

 

* * *

“ _ Gansey _ .” Adam says as he wipes the last of the drying blood off his face in not-Joseph’s-car’s mirror.

As weird it is that the car has so many napkins in it, Adam does appreciate it in the end, because he sure uses a lot of them.

“Mhmm?” Gansey hums, lifting his head from his hand to turn his attention towards Adam. Gansey looks like the definition of ‘weary’ as he stands, leaning on not-Joseph’s-car.

_ I should probably ask whose car this is. Hopefully, it’s legal, _ Adam thinks to himself.

Stuffing the rest of the used bloody napkins into his pocket, Adam says “You can go after him, you know.”

Gansey gives him a look of wanting to disagree, but Adam knows deep down that Gansey wants to go see if Ronan is alright.

Or at least safe.

Adam also wants to do exactly that, but time is ticking away from him, leaving less and less room for Adam to be out and about right now, knowing if he is as late as he was the previous night, it would be nasty being in the same home as Robert.

Adam doesn’t like the way his skin prickles at the thought of it.

“Are you sure?” Gansey says, worry forming in his brows.

But Adam can see the quick one-over Gansey does in Joseph’s direction, who stands not too far from the passenger seat that Adam still sits in. Gansey knows about the same rumors Adam knows about Joseph, so the ‘not trusting’ glance is expected from the other teen.

What a weird concept to think of Gansey as a ‘teen.’

Adam can’t even begin to think of his friend in the same age-range as himself. Gansey is almost the same as a myth or some unknown centuries-old tale; everyone knows of the  _ tale _ , making it fresh in their minds, but it is still a  _ tale _ nonetheless.

And still old as time itself.

“I’m pretty sure, dude. Just bring him back safely and don’t scold him too hard now. You know how mopey he can get when you take out your ‘motherly side’.” Adam says jokingly, trying to brighten the mood between everyone.

“He’s right.”

“SWEET JESUS MARRY!” Gansey loudly gasps, as Noah appears out of nowhere next to him.

“Noah, please stop doing that,” Gansey says trying to regain his dignity and his breathing in the process.

“Sorry,” Noah says quietly while he almost seems to make himself smaller in the time being.

Finally calming himself down and smoothing the invisible winkles Gansey thinks his clothes have, he turns to Adam.

“Ride home?”

“It’s all good Dick. I got him covered.” Joseph steps into the conversion between the three boys.

Both Adam’s and Gansey’s heads turn to look at the boy who hasn’t said a single word after he had spoken to Ronan.

Gansey give a questionable look to Adam, seeing if he wants an escape from Joseph’s ill-favored presence. As much as Adam would like to go with both Gansey and Noah to find Ronan, Adam would only drag them down more in their search.

Adam gives his friend a tired nod, hoping that it’ll be enough for now to smooth Gansey over and just let it go and not question it too much.

And maybe he won’t bring it up later either, but Adam already knows it’s going to happen sooner or later.

Gansey slides his eyes closed, breathing out a sigh.

“Alright.”

Adam is about to say ‘thanks and have a good night,’ but Gansey quickly says a few more words and gets a little closer to Adam’s ear.

“But if anything is to happen-” Gansey says softly, probably hoping that Joseph can’t hear him. “-If  _ anything _ happens, please, Adam,  _ call _ .”

The emphasis on the word ‘call’ does not go unnoticed by Adam, but he doesn’t say anything about it. He knows what Gansey means by it, and it is a kind gesture.

Very  _ Gansey-ly _ like.

“I’ll call when I can,” Adam says.

Lying wasn’t something that Adam liked to do, but saying somewhat half-truths happen more often when it comes to his own well being.

He does need anyone’s help.

He can do things on his own.

As he’s has been doing for years and years.

Just because Adam has friends now doesn’t mean anything changes. Only when he leaves this town and starts anew can things finally change.

_ For the better. _

Gansey stands from crouching next to Adam.

Giving Adam a small smile for the night, Gansey walks his over to where Noah stands dimly.

“Let’s go find him,” Gansey says, patting Noah on the shoulder.

Soon enough, Gansey and Noah make their way over to The Pig and pull out of the parking lot. They honk the horn, which makes Adam blush from the attention it draws from strangers coming in and out of Nino’s diner,

And then, Adam and Joseph are alone.

_ Again _ .

 

* * *

“So that ride, huh?” Joseph says, leaning off his mom’s car.

Joseph can say that his night is getting slightly better after taking his mom’s car keys and leaving the house, but it is still pretty bittersweet so far.

Seeing Adam’s nose gush blood after Ronan SOMEHOW stupidly swung his elbow into the poor guy, while fighting with who possibly was Declan, the oldest of Lynch’s brothers, is not what Joseph thought would be a ‘good’ night.

But as Dick and  _ Casper _ leaves, Joseph feels like he doesn’t really need to be on his guard so much. For some reason, being around trailer-boy Parrish is starting to seem  _ easier _ , more  _ natural  _ to Joseph.

Something inside Joseph tells him that isn’t a good thing to start feeling, but Joseph does what he is best at, which is ignoring his thoughts when he wants to.

Because, fuck thoughts. They rarely have anything good to do for Joseph anyway.

“Y-yeah, I need to start heading back soon, anyway.” Adam replies to Joseph hesitantly.

“Alright, then buckle up. I’ll try to somewhat obey the speed limits, as we make our way to your castle back home,  _ princess _ .” Joseph says with a smirk, opening up the driver's side door.

“I guess that makes you Bowser then.”

_ Then fucking balls on this kid, I swear. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey y'all itsa me again ˛˛ꉂ ೭(˵¯̴͒ꇴ¯̴͒˵)౨” that asshole.  
> Bringing out a new chapter for your eyes to look upon. Just hope you guys like it (o;_ _)o. If anyone is wondering, yes. I am re-reading the first book as I write this so I can change events but still have things flow as gently as a class 6 rapids in a river.
> 
> If y'all have questions, please do comment and I just might answer with a real answer and not a question itself.


	10. How deep will you go?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm so fucking drunk,  
> And I'm still a total wreck."
> 
> "I deserve the worst but I'm hoping for the best,  
> I deserve the worst but I'm hoping for the best."
> 
> ~ Half drunk/fully alone by Northbound

“ _ Yo _ ! Joseph wait up!” A voice booms out from across the school field.

Joseph doesn’t know why anyone would be calling out for him. He sits on the last step of the back staircase smoking one of his ‘newer’ dream cigarettes, and it isn’t like he is actually going anywhere right this minute.

It’s only second period, but Joseph can’t deal with his thoughts right now let alone trying to learn from some 60-ish teacher who is boring as watching paint dry with the voice of a person who has zero emotions on the things their teaching about.

So, of course, Joseph would skip class and try to smooth out his thoughts and feelings. Dropping Adam off last night is not something Joseph wanted to do, but he did it nonetheless.

As the two unknown boys make their way over to Joseph, he can now tell it’s Jiang and some guy he doesn’t remember seeing around before.

_ Is this Swan? The dude Jiang was talking about? _ Joseph thinks to himself, as he eyes the new guy.

“What are you doing skipping? Aren’t you new? Not a great first impression I should say so, Jiang.” Joseph says as he takes a long drag off his dream cigarette.

“I could say the same about you  _ Kavinsky _ . And I think we both know by now, that I’m kinda plain shit with first impressions.” Jiang shrugs off easily.

“Fair enough.” Joseph quickly remarks.

“Also this is Swan. My dorm mate.” Jiang says as he sways his hand in Swan’s direction.

Swan looks a lot more buff than whatever Joseph expected from a guy named  _ Swan,  _ with his dark skin and pale brown eyes that seem almost yellowish in the sunlight, and his hair short shaved and a strong looking jawline.

To say the least, Swan is a good looking guy.

Joseph notices that Swan is slightly taller than Jiang, but Joseph is taller than both of them.

Joseph is always glad to know he is taller than everyone he met so far at Aglionby. It makes him feel slightly more  _ powerful  _ in a strange way.

It makes up a little for his skinny ass as well, though that is more or less Joseph’s fault for not eating so much, and it’s only because of genetics that he is tall.

“Hey.” Swan says calmly and looking much more bored than he sounded.

_ Wonder if that’s just his attitude? Would make sense in the long run if he was Jiang’s friend plus dorm mate. _

_ Jiang seems like a big ass mess to have as a dorm mate. So maybe Swan is the chill and calm dude who never complains about anything? _

_ Makes a whole lot of sense really. _

Joseph doesn’t say ‘hi’ but lifts his cigarette that he keeps between his two fingers and a head-nods to acknowledge Swan’s ‘hey’.

A few weird moments of silences pass as Jiang and Swan just stand over Joseph, being made weirder by the way Jiang slightly pouches on his heels, trying his fucking best not to look Joseph’s way.

Finally, Joseph speaks up about what he thinks the  _ fucker _ wants.

“You want one, don’t you?” Joseph says to Jiang, pointing to his cigarette with his other hand.

And by  _ god _ , doesn’t the look on Jiang’s face say it all when the words came out of Joseph’s mouth!

“Can  _ I _ , though?” Jiang asks back to Joseph.

Putting his ‘newer’ dream pack of cigarettes back in his pocket but pulling out three fairly normal cigarettes Joseph had before he dreamt up the newer ones he was smoking.

Joseph doesn’t know how much a typical person can handle from the newer cigarettes. So, playing it safe, Joseph just gives up the older ones he has left.

“Yeah sure, but now. You own me,” Joseph added as he hands over the cigarettes in Jiang’s greedy hands.

“What? No freebies for friends? How cold of you Kavinsky.”

“Cold as ice,  _ baby _ ,” Joseph says smoothly, flicking the end of his cigarette to get the ash off.

Joseph wonders how Jiang got the notion that Joseph is his friend, but he doesn’t set Jiang straight.

Well, not yet, anyway.

Joseph is still caught up in thoughts about Adam Parrish. The more Joseph hangs around Adam, the more he likes him. Never a dull moment, he would say.

_ Was it because he killed my father? Is it like an emotional bond over some kind of fucked up event, that made me like him better now?  _ Joseph thinks.

If that is so, then Joseph doesn’t know if that is really good in a sense.

Does Joseph like Parrish because he actually seems interesting as a person or did Parrish killing Joseph’s father make him more interesting?

Joseph can’t pinpoint which one it really is.

_ See? Thoughts and thinking too much screw me over all the time. _

_ Fuck thoughts. _

 

* * *

Tasting terrible morning breath and a hint of lingering alcohol, Ronan groans and rolls over in his bed.

_ Wait! Am I in my bed? _

Slowly cracking open one of his eyes, he sees the still darkness of his bedroom. Ronan thanks himself for buying those black heavily lined window curtains when he first moved in with Gansey.

Which also means that he definitely was in his bedroom at Monmouth and not in his  _ real _ bedroom back at home.

Realizing that stings.

Rolling over to the other side of his bed, Ronan sees that his alarm clock reads 11:11 in the afternoon.

He doesn’t want to go to school anyway bitch.

“That’s not a good word to say.”

Ronan’s eyes are still trying to adjust to waking up, but he knows that voice and the shadow in the doorway makes it clearer. Rubbing the grossness out of his eyes, Ronan can finally see Noah leaning against Ronan’s door frame with his arms crossed.

“I didn’t even say anything.” Ronan gumbles.

“Your face really says it all.” Noah voices.

Ronan doesn’t have the words made up in his head to come back at Noah with, because of the hangover Ronan is likely sporting right now.

Noah leans off the door frame and makes his way into Ronan’s  _ bat-cave _ , trying his best to dodge everything that’s littered on Ronan’s floor. Finally, Noah sits carefully on Ronan’s bed, and looks a bit worried whether the bed is clean or not.

It’s not.

But Ronan isn’t going to say anything about that.

“You doing alright?” Noah utters softly.

Ronan can answer that, but he doesn’t like lying or giving half-truths. In Ronan’s mind, half-truths are the same as lying. And Ronan is a lot of things, but he isn’t a liar.

So he doesn’t answer Noah’s question. Instead, Ronan asks his own question of the pale boy.

“Gansey at school?” Ronan says, pulling himself up to sit in his bed.

“Yeah…” Noah says as he fiddles with his hands.

Ronan nods, because  _ of course, _ Gansey would be at school right now. Just because Ronan got shit faced after the fight with Declan and fucking hurt Adam’s perfectly good nose, the last thing Gansey would want to do is deal with him the morning after that ‘ _ amazing’ _ night.

“Then why are you still here?” Ronan asks Noah, trying his best to get off his train of thoughts of how much his best friend really doesn’t want to see him and how much the guy is disappointed in Ronan.

“Aglionby doesn’t think I’m alive.” Noah shrugs.

“That’s messed up Noah.” Ronan eyes Noah.

Noah doesn’t say anything else on the matter, and Ronan isn’t going to push on how Aglionby could even be that mean to the other boy. So the alternative is to ask Noah, on a scale of how fucked Ronan is right now.

Noah isn’t much of the talking type, but he doesn’t beat around the bush at all. Which Ronan really likes about the guy.

“I fucked up pretty badly last night, didn’t I?” Ronan mutters bitterly, as he gazes into his lap, hoping Noah won’t take offense at Ronan not looking at him.

“Mhmm..” Noah hummus in thought. “Not as bad as usual, I would say.”

“Wow,  _ dick _ much.” Ronan jokes.

What seems like minutes pass with just the sound of the two boy’s steady breathing fills the vast room. Ronan starts to re-run through his memories of last night after leaving Nino’s.

A lot of them don’t make sense to him, and hell they are his  _ memories  _ in the first place. They should at least halfway make sense in his semi-hungover mind. But things keep on getting fuzzy as he remembers going to St. Agnes and…. and…..?

“Wait a minute,” Ronan says cautiously, removing himself from his bed.

And just then, the sound of small chirping starts to echo throughout the room.

 

* * *

“After being in the car with you behind the wheel more than twice, I have to say; you suck at driving,” Joseph says as he shuts the door to Jiang’s Supra.

“You’re just mad that I wouldn’t go over 45 on the road when the speed limit was 35, dude,” Jiang says as he walks up next to Joseph. Swan also gets out of the Supra but says nothing on how Jiang drove them to the auto shop to pick up Joseph’s Evo.

All three of the boys make their way into the shop. The place seems to be completely empty, lacking both sound and people. Good thing there’s a bell on the counter for them to ring until it annoys someone enough to come around.

And that’s exactly what Joseph does.

“Coming!” A voice from somewhere calls out as Joseph stopped hitting the damn bell for the tenth time.

“Finally.” Joseph says to himself.

Driving his mom’s car around was alright to say the least but he wants his baby, he wants his  _ fucking _ car back.

Nothing is as good as his Evo.

_ Nothing _ .

“Can I help you.” Someone says dully as they make it to the counter, wiping black geese off their hands with a dirty cloth rag.

As the person gets closer, Joseph can see who the fellow is now.

“Oh yes,  _ princess _ . I’m here to pick up my Evo.” Joseph says while smiling at the dumbfounded look Adam Parrish has as he lifts his head to see who just called him ‘princess.

The only word that can describe the look on Parrish’s face is ‘unamused.’

Joseph kinda thinks it is hot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wowz look at this mess of a chapter o(-_-;*)
> 
> Golly, I hope you guy's liked it at least 」（。。）L


	11. How shallow will you leap

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I won't be weighing you down.  
> No, I won't be hanging around."
> 
> "'Cause you had your shot,  
> And you fucked it up."
> 
> "No, I won't be weighing you down."
> 
> ~ Weighing down by Glass tides

**** “Oh yes,  _ princess _ . I’m here to pick up my Evo.”

Adam freezes and unfreezes so quickly that he starts thinking that he’s becoming a  _ damn _ pro at it.

The word ‘ _ princess’ _ is not thrown around a lot at his workplace, and Adam is thankful for that, knowing that the word is almost always meant to be an insult when referring to guys.

Guys using it against guys, girls using it against guys

Once upon a time, Adam didn’t understand why it was an insult.

_ Why can’t boys be princesses, too? Like things that are more feminine and gentle, rather than always having to be sharp and dangerous. _

_ Why can’t boys also be beautiful and soft? _

Adam used to ask those type of questions growing up. He knew now that it only got him more in trouble with other guys and especially his father.

How Robert Parrish hated those types of questions that Adam had wondered about. After one time of asking something of his father, Adam knew never to ask again.

Lifting his gaze as he wipes the grease off his hands, Adam sees Joseph Kavinsky’s smug looking face at the corner of the counter. With him are two other boys Adam has never seen in his life, but he recognizes the crisp sweater vest the two wear, meaning that they also go to Aglionby Academy.

Also meaning they must have money as like everyone else that goes to Aglionby.

Well, everyone  _ but _ Adam that is, of course.

“Oh, that white Evo was yours? I was  _ really _ hoping it wasn’t.” Adam says, putting the grease rag into his back pocket.

It almost seemed like Joseph’s smirk grows in size when Adam voices his hopes that it isn’t actually Joseph’s car.

But Adam is only being half sarcastic by saying that, if he is being honest right now.

“Who else do you think has a white Evo in this hick town?” Joseph says, leaning himself causally next to the counter.

“Hicktown? Mhmm, I don’t think that’s too far from what Jersey is.” Adam replies while looking for the Evo’s keys on the shelf that they normally put other customers’ car keys on.

Adam is fully aware that New Jersey is probably nothing like Henrietta or much at all like Virginia for that fact. But it never hurts to say the two are alike when you know someone is trying to say you are lower than them for living in a place like Henrietta.

Yeah, Henrietta is small, has a lot of farmland and some places are old and rundown but isn’t that also part of its charm?

Adam thinks so.

As Adam is still looking for the Evo’s keys, he hears some muffled laughter. Most likely from the two other boys standing with Joseph. Adam also hears a  _ ‘what’ _ that most definitely came out of Joseph’s mouth, also probably directed towards the two.

Finally eyeing and grabbing the set of car keys he needs to find, Adam stands back up to the counter.

“I’ll pull it around out front for you,” Adam says as he starts to turn around to go into the back of the shop where all the customer's cars are kept but is stopped abruptly by a firm hand clasped on his shoulder.

And without realizing it, Adam immediately jumps back to get away from said hand, clutching himself and waiting for something to hit him with terrible force.

But all Adam sees is Joseph reaching over the counter with his hand, inches away from Adam. Eyes looking confused with brows pinched together, mouth formed in an ‘O’ shape.

Trying to  _ oh _ so desperately regain himself, Adam tries his best to calmly say ‘what?’ to Joseph’s grabbing.

“I was just going to say, I don’t want you going in my  _ white _ car when you're covered in dirt.”

And somehow in Joseph’s thought processes, he must have thought that grabbing Adam by the shoulder was the best way to do that.

Not just saying ‘ _ Oh dude, your dirty as all hell. Just give me the car keys, and I’ll do it _ ?’

Isn’t it common sense avoid touching people, if they never asked to be touched?

Adam could practically feel his blood begin to  _ boil _ in his veins as he knew that he just embarrassed himself in front of these three guys.

In front of these three _Aglionby boys._

Adam hated it.

He fucking hated the looks he got.

He hated all of it.

“ _ Alright,  _ here. Take your keys and  _ go _ .” Adam says to Joseph, somewhat setting the keys more roughly onto the counter’s surface than he attended to. Joseph looks down to the keys as Adam slides them over to him.

Joseph looks pissed and slightly confused by Adam’s actions towards him but what is  _ Joseph Kavinsky  _ mad about?

_ What gave Kavinsky the right to be angry right now? _

Looking back up from the keys on the counter, Joseph simply says “What’s your problem,  _ Parrish _ ?”

_ Oh? What’s my problem? What’s MY problem now? _

Adam can almost pop a few blood vessels at the question.

“Nothing is my problem,  _ Kavinsky _ . Just take your precious Evo and go.” Adam tries to calmly hiss out the words between his teeth.

Joseph looks as if he is about to snap straight back at Adam’s words, but the taller boy just stares at Adam for a few seconds across the counter that separated them.

More emotions pass Joseph’s face in those mere seconds than the whole three years Adam has known the guy.

And that says a lot.

Joseph turns over to the two other boys.

“Go sit in the Supra; I’ll be out in a few,” Joseph says somehow calmly.

The boy, who is slightly taller than the other, looked like he is all for leaving Adam and Joseph to do anything they want. But the shorter of the three look confused by the statement Joseph said.

“But like-?”

“Can you just do it? Like holy  _ fuck _ , please Jiang?” Joseph says hastily, running a hand through his messy dark brown hair.

“Just because you said  _ please _ , and I don’t think I’ll hear that ever again from your mouth,” the boy who must be Jiang says, as he and the other boy start to make their way over to the door.

As both boys are out of the shop, Joseph once again turns his attention Adam’s way, or more looking around the shop that Adam stands in. Joseph’s eyes are darting to different areas in the background of Adam but never turning his head.

Moments pass, and Adam begins to think that Joseph is going to keep on staring at objects until Adam says something.

That is until Joseph’s eyes lay on him.

Adam doesn’t want to admit that Joseph’s eyes were overpowering in a weird, eerie way. Adam could describe them as labradorite gemstones. The greener ones, that shine all by themselves.

In their way, they are  _ stunning _ .

“ _ So… _ You work here, huh.”

That seems like a real stupid question, if Joseph actually said it as a question, but instead he is making a statement.

_ A fact. _

“Well, we all need money,” Adam says back, his anger slowly but nicely cooling itself down.

Adam doesn’t like getting angry  _ at all. _

No matter what happens to him. It is too closely related to his father. After all the heat and fire that burn out of him, Adam can only think about how much he is his father’s son. That he can’t break away from the bonds of blood that make up the bloodstream that connects him to Robert.

Simply nodding in agreement but Adam doesn’t think Joseph understands what Adam meant by ‘ _ we all need money _ ’.

Adam sure doesn’t think Joseph knows what it feels like to struggle with thoughts of ‘ _ do I want to eat tomorrow or have clean clothes instead? _ ’ ‘ _ Should I go to the doctor or do I want to still have a roof over my head? _ ’

“Does your nose still hurt?” Joseph says out of the blue.

“It’s  _ fine _ ,” Adam says painfully dryly.

“Did I upset you or something?” Joseph says with questionable eyes.

_ Those eyes… _

“Why does it even matter to  _ Joseph Kavinsky _ if my nose still hurts or doesn’t? Just take your keys and leave.” Adam says, sliding the keys closer to Joseph.

“Wow, dude, what is up with you?”

“ _ Jesus, _ Joseph, you're making your friends wait. Just go and hang out with them.” Adam says, dragging one of his hands down his face in frustration.

Joseph looks so confused and puzzled by that statement, then the brilliant look of realization hits the guy.

“ _ Ohhhhh _ , you mean Jiang and Swan.”

Adam was going to say ‘ _ who the hell else would I mean? _ ’ but he just lets it drift through his brain. Adam is getting exhausted by this conversation going nowhere and wasting time on the clock.

“I have to go back to work,” Adam says, trying to make it obvious that he wants the other boy gone and to be left alone to work in peace.

Joseph doesn’t say a single word, as he suddenly grabs his car keys from the countertop and walks out the shop’s front door.

_ Good _ . Adam thinks to himself.

_ Joseph is nothing like me, will never be like me. So why would he want to be around ‘trailer trash’ in the first place? _

_ It’ll just dirty him up, anyway. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _:(´□`」 ∠):_ Real sorry about not posting or anything. Had a real shit day yesterday and couldn't write or do much for that matter. Really hoping y'all like this chapter. I know it might seen a little like winy stuff but like ..... I'm winy a lot of the time (*´･д･)ﾉ


	12. Going

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Where heaven waits,  
> These golden gates,  
> Back again."
> 
> "You take me to,  
> Leave me through,  
> Oblivion."
> 
> ~ I feel you by Placebo

****Walking out of the auto shop, Joseph makes his way over to Jiang and Swan, who are chilling out against Jiang’s Supra. Joseph almost _cringes_ at the way Jiang is sitting on top of the poor car’s hood, but he would just have to grill Jiang later.

Joseph has bigger problems to figure out right now.

Like, what the absolute _hell_ is up with Parrish?

Joseph is racking his brain to try and understand why the other guy switched his attitude so fast. One second Parrish couldn’t care if Joseph, Jiang, and Swan were there, but then BOOM he didn’t want any of them even five meters from him.

Just doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to Joseph.

And that bothers him. It bothers him a lot.

Joseph wants to know everything about everyone.

And knowing everything and anything about Adam Parrish is somehow making its way higher and higher on Joseph’s list of ‘importance.’

“So, who’s _that_?” Jiang asks as he smokes one of the three cigarettes Joseph gave him earlier. It is the pink one, of course.

Having a little ‘ _the fuck you mean?_ ’ moment, Joseph totally forgets that Jiang and Swan are new to Aglionby and, most likely, to the Henrietta area in general.

So they probably don’t know who Adam Parrish is.

Joseph doesn’t know what to say about who _Adam Parrish_ is now.

 _Yeah_ , Joseph really did think that he knew the guy. Trailer trash kid, shit family with little to no money, went to school with him, was a good student with good morals, got in with a scholarship because Parrish is actually smart unlike some of the fucktwats that went there.

Joseph thought he knew it all.

But now?

He isn’t so sure about any of that.

 _Okay_ , so Joseph knows most of those things are still very much true, but if asking _‘who’_ Adam Parrish was? As a person?  Joseph can’t seem to get the facts all together anymore. Parrish seems to have so much more going on underneath that tanned, freckled skin that covers him. And with no other question, of course Joseph wants to know about more Adam Parrish. It is too tempting not to want to know.

Joseph almost seems like he _needs_ to know these past days.

He _needs_ and _wants_ to know more about Parrish.

“ _Uh_ , he’s just some guy that goes to Aglionby,” Joseph says as he tries to think up a plan to unfuck himself right now.

Parrish is pissed with Joseph, that is really, _really_ fucking clear, but why is he? What did Joseph do in those four small minutes that he was in there, that could of set the guy off?

If Joseph is honest with himself, the answer to that question might be that Joseph is just being his usual self. People don’t like Joseph, so Joseph will be hostile to anything they say to him. If they are going to be assholes, Joseph will be the biggest one right back at them.

But Adam isn't an ‘out of the normal’ type of asshole that he was to Joseph.

_So what is it?_

“ _He_ goes to Aglionby? Then bother with working? Doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, if you ask me.” Jiang says, taking a drag off his pink cigarette.

Joseph still makes a mental note to keep on looking over at Jiang and Swan to make sure the dream cigarette wasn’t doing anything _weird_ to them.

Those cigarettes weren’t just normal dream tobacco cigarettes, anyway.

“He got in with a scholarship,” Joseph says without thinking if he should’ve just told Jiang and Swan that type of information.

_Well too late to take it back, I guess._

“Must be a pretty smart guy, if he’s getting into Aglionby with a scholarship. Before my father sent me here, I had to work my ass off to at least get all my grades to a B or higher.”

 _Now that’s a surprise._ Joseph thinks.

With all the time alone Joseph has at Aglionby and the eavesdropping on everyone's conversions he does. Not once when Adam Parrish was the _hot topic_ of gossip, was it about how ‘smart’ the guy was or even how hard Adam had to work to get into the school.

None of the chatting that goes around is anywhere near compliments to Parrish. So hearing from Jiang’s view, _a brand new guy for that fact_. To praise Parrish is something Joseph never thinks he will hear from anyone's mouth.

Joseph maybe has to rethink how himself views Adam Parrish.

_I got it._

“Hey, I’ll meet up with you guys on like Monday or whatever. I got shit to do.” Joseph says, faintly turning his head back towards the auto shop.

Maybe Jiang sees the way Joseph turns his head back. Maybe he sees the way Joseph’s brows still pinches together slightly in turmoil after he leaves the shop, but Jiang doesn’t say a word on what kind of _‘shit’_ Joseph has to do.

“Alright, alright.” Jiang nods cooly. “Hey, do those guys that we spent last period with still want to hang?” Jiang asks Swan’s way.

Swan, with his arms crossed but looking as bored as ever, says deeply “Probably, I got that bowl-cut kid’s number. I can text him.”

“Dude, if he heard you say that, I think he might cry,” Jiang says, stomping out his cigarette on the ground but picking it up.

Jiang sees Joseph eyeing him as he picks up his cigarette.

“I might be killing my lungs, but I’ll be damned if I might be killing the earth too,”  Jiang says as he puts the smushed cigarette into his pocket.

“That’s fair.”

 

* * *

 

Adam finishes cleaning himself up in the employee bathroom, which is the only bathroom that the shop actually has. He clocks himself out, waving and saying ‘goodbye’ to his boss. Looking over at the wall clock, Adam sees that it is already 8:00 in the night.

Working right after school really does drain Adam, but he enjoys his work overall, so it’s not so bad in the end.

But the slight guilt that plagues Adam is still bugging him. He had avoided Gansey all day, by leaving his house before Gansey was supposed to pick him up, not eating lunch with him or Ronan, just not talking to him in general today.

Adam knows that he should try and call Gansey, apologizing to the other boy for Adam’s childish actions towards his best friend. Adam is still upset with himself for last night's events. Knowing that Adam can’t help Ronan the way Gansey can fills him with jealousy that he doesn’t know why he even has it in the first place.

It just bothers Adam so much.

And it is especially bad because before any of the fighting started the night before, Gansey had made an appointment today at 8:30 to meet with a psychic. And knowing Gansey, he might actually want Adam to attend with him to said meeting.

Adam is truly unfit to be Gansey’s friend.

 _Why am I like this?_ Is all Adam can think about.

He grabs his bike from inside the shop, because Adam doesn’t want anyone to accidentally hit it with their car while driving or stealing his only way around town that’s faster than his own two feet.

 _Maybe if I ride fast enough, I can make it to the reading?_ Adam thinks as he makes his way outside.

But before he can hop on his bike and think about what the hell the address is again, he is stopped by a blinding white Evo and a boy, who lazily smokes a cigarette next to the car

_Is he waiting? Is he really?_

As Joseph sees Adam walk outside into the darkness of this Henrietta night, bike by his side, the taller boy throws the cigarette to the dirt ground and makes his way over to Adam, who is standing in the light.

Joseph is a few inches away from the lighting that illuminates Adam’s body and bike, looming in the dark but with eyes that still somehow shine all by themselves.

A sheepish smirk spreads over Joseph’s face.

“Need a ride?”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Ronan, do you want to go or not?” Gansey says finally from his little ‘work’ desk that leanes against the wall of the living/Gansey’s room.

Does Ronan want to go to a meeting that has to do with someone he doesn’t know and never meet before knowing anything about him or reading his mind?

The answer is really quite simple.

 _Fuck no, I don’t want to._ Ronan wants to say.

But in the end, he doesn’t say any of his inner thoughts to Gansey. So silently, Ronan just walks to the door with his backpack on his shoulders.

Gansey, getting the hint, grabs his phone and keys. Stopping at the door as Ronan opens it for him but Gansey just looks at him for a second too long.

“Why the bag?” Gansey askes, but the confusion on his face fades in milliseconds as he knows already what is in Ronan’s bag.

“My _god_ , it’s the bird, isn't it?”

“ _‘It’_ is a _she_ and _she’s_ a raven. Different from other birds. Also, she has to be fed every two hours,” Ronan replies.

After all the memories of his drunken rage last night come back to him, he remembers that he did some dreaming as well. And drunk Ronan did things in his dreams which undrunk Ronan wouldn’t normally do.

Well, scratch that, Ronan would and most differently does most of the same things as drunk Ronan would do.

That means taking things from his dreams.

And last night he did exactly that. Taking a living being from his dreams was something Ronan didn’t think he could do. Well, scratch that too, but taking things from his dreams that doesn’t try and kill him is a better way of saying it.

So finding the baby raven chirping and shitting on his bedroom floor is a big surprise to him.

And of course, he can’t get rid of her. She is from his fucking _dreams_ and like have you ever seen a baby raven?

So now Ronan is taking care of the delicate girl and doing a shit ton of searches since the morning and finding everything the internet has about ‘ _how to care for baby ravens without killing them accidentally_.’

From now on, Chainsaw will be by Ronan’s side throughout all days until she gets fed up with him and flies away.

Secretly Ronan seriously hopes that doesn’t happen.

“Noah, will you be joining us?” Gansey says before he’s fully out the door that Ronan holds open.

“Girls are scary, dude,” Noah says with full confidence that the psychic that they’ll be seeing is a woman. Probably is true though; Ronan has heard or read somewhere about how girls have the better senses than guys do.

So must be the same with psychic senses, too?

“Fair enough to that,” Gansey says in agreement.

Both boys walk over to The Pig. Ronan wanted to take his BMW and drive in silence but after last night, and not going to school today, he thinks it would be better to try and be nicer to Gansey.

Because _god_ has Ronan been a real dick to him lately!

Sitting himself into the passenger seat while carefully placing the backpack with Chainsaw in it in his lap, he waits for Gansey to start the car up.

Hearing The Pig coming to life never bores Ronan at all, no matter how many times he’s already heard it in a single day. Every single time it brings feelings of _‘going.’_

 _Going_ to some places that are known and some unknown but they are _going_ . Maybe it doesn’t make sense to anyone else what Ronan means by the feeling of _‘going,’_ but it means something to him. And that’s all it takes for Ronan to feel a bit better about seeing some _psychic._

Ronan has a thought while Gansey pulls out of Monmouth’s parking lot. He wonders if that psychic can sense that he is a dreamer, and if so…

Will they call him out in front of Gansey?

 _Fuck, I hope not._ Ronan thinks as he peers down at Chainsaw in his backpack.

_I really hope the fuck not._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you guys like this chapter （；¬＿¬) Like of course I feel like there's not much going on in this chapter but like (;￢＿￢) maybe you guys liked it (￢з￢) ?
> 
> Anyway thank you all for taking the time out of y'all days to read and then comment on this story. You guys really help move this story along.


	13. Time to stop

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Do you remember back in the day,  
> That party at Dave's?"
> 
> "You said that you had nothing to lose,  
> Oh, no."
> 
> "Then I should've listened up, but I fucked up,  
> Laughed it off, and told you you had nothing to prove."
> 
> ~ For Billy by Highly Suspect

**** Gansey glances back and forth at street signs, driving and stopping through lights as he drives along the long stretch of road ahead of them. Ronan notices that Gansey’s isn’t taking the usual route to Adam’s workplace at the auto body shop.

“Where’s Adam?” Ronan says, trying not to sound at all worried about the absent boy in their small group.

“Wasn’t at school today, or at least I didn’t see him anywhere where he could’ve been,” Gansey says as he stops The Pig at a red light.

“I also went to go pick him up before school, waited until I was going to be late. And I would’ve called the home phone if I thought he overslept. But you know -”

“Adam doesn’t oversleep,  _ ever _ . Yeah, I know.” Ronan says, finishing Gansey’s sentence for him.

Ronan doesn’t like that Adam is nowhere to be found, yet.

Adam doesn’t just skip school like that. Adam for one, being a scholarship kid has to work harder than shit be in Aglionby, and Adam isn’t separated from that harsh reality. Besides, the guy clearly doesn’t have the money to try and somehow sway headmaster Child into letting him slide on anything.

Not that Adam is anything like that.

Adam has too much pride for that type of bull-shittery anyway.

“He wasn’t in Latin either Ronan. That’s the only class we have with him on Friday’s.”

“You say that like I don’t know we all have Latin together on Friday’s, dude.”

“Just making saying, that’s all. I’m…… I’m just worried about him, Ronan. Especially with last night and … and  _ Kavinsky _ being there at Nino’s. What was that even about?” Gansey says as the light changes to green.

_ Yeah, you could say that again.  _ Ronan thinks.

Kavinsky being there was not sitting too comfortably with Ronan  _ at all _ since waking up in his bed. Remembering everything about the night is just a headache on its own but throw in Kavinsky, and now it’s a full-on fucking  _ migraine _ .

Ronan thinks back to seeing the two boys walking together side by side at school on that Thursday evening. It’s weird, but Ronan plays it off as Kavinsky just being his dick self and messing with Adam.

But then Adam saying he has to do  _ ‘things’ _ during that lunch period and not wanting to go find Gansey after St. Marks Eve? That just seems a bit  _ off  _ for Adam to do.

He thinks back of Kavinsky showing up at Nino’s after seeing him, and Adam walking somewhere at school earlier that day, going somewhere maybe?

Things stack up in odd ways that keep going back to that Thursday.

Ronan doesn’t know if he should bring it up to Gansey right now about seeing Adam and Kavinsky together at school, but he isn’t 100% sure.

Ronan still feels like he doesn’t know anything that is happening, so maybe he should just keep his mouth shut until he knows more solid info?

Sounds better to him than fucking up with knowing absolute shit with anything actually happening around them. And Ronan doesn’t want to fuck up Gansey’s and Adam’s friendship, too. He can’t live with that type of guilt.

Ronan has already fucked up so much with Gansey.

Ronan is pretty confident that with Gansey knowing him for one year, Gansey aged about 12 more.

In the end, Ronan doesn’t answer Gansey’s question about Kavinsky being at Nino’s. Gansey knows how Ronan feels about the guy, so Gansey doesn’t push that hot button on Ronan often.

Instead, they sit in The Pig as it hums hungrily on. Passing dirt roads that don’t seem to go anywhere but in fact go everywhere, passing stores that look too old to be in their timeline, dark empty fields giving those types of feelings of time slipping from their grasp, leaving them to fend to the wind.

Leaving them to the mercy of space but with no time to help direct them in the right ways.

_ Well,  _ Ronan begins a thought.

_ Time was made by man anyway. _

_ It’s flawed to the end. _

 

* * *

“Need a ride?” Joseph tries to say confidently to the boy who stands in front of him, holding an old, beat up bike by the handlebars.

Adam just kinda stares at Joseph like a deer in headlights.  _ Okay _ , maybe not a ‘ _ deer in headlights _ ’ but Adam stares hard at Joseph with a mixture of confusion, annoyance, relief, and maybe a little bit of happiness?

_ That would be good right? That he’s actually happy to see me?  _ Joseph thinks to himself.

But Adam is still not saying a word to him, and that makes Joseph a bit nervous?

_ Why the hell am I nervous? I’m Joseph Kavinsky for fuck’s sake. I MAKE people nervous on the daily. _

_ This is Adam Parrish too! Why should I even be remotely nervous in front of him? _

But still feeling the moist clamminess of his hands, Joseph swallows the looming lump in his throat. Mustering up something to say to Adam as the guy just keeps on fucking  _ staring _ .

“Uh… You can say no?” Joseph says.

Adam shakes his head a bit, saying, “No, no. Sorry was lost in thought there. And if you don’t mind?”

Joseph can literally scream into the night sky with the relief that washes over him.

“ _ Yeah _ , yeah dude. That’s why I asked in the first place.” Joseph says smiling, and that be slightly visible in the dark by the way Adam’s cheeks seem to dust with a rosy pink color.

_ Am I imagining that? Or? _

Joseph doesn’t have time to think about it, when Adam is already walking into the dark, towards Joseph’s Evo.

“Can the car hold a bike?” Adam says while pausing halfway to look back at Joseph.

Joseph half jogs, half walks over to Adam. It’s such a small distance, too, yet Joseph just can’t help himself from trying to get out some of the joy he feels right now.

“It can.” Joseph then walks over to the driver side of the Evo, opens the door and sits inside. He hits the trunk button to pop it open for Adam, and he waits for Adam to put his bike inside.

Hearing the trunk shut just a few seconds later, Adam reappears, setting himself down into the passenger seat in Joseph’s Evo once again.

Actually, it was the third time but is Joseph counting?

Yeah, yeah he is counting.

“So, where we going?” Joseph asks as he starts up the car, already pulling out of the dirt lot.

“I need to go to a place called  _ 300 Foxway _ . If you know where that is, and, I’m kinda going to regret saying this, but I need to get there kinda fast.”

“How fast?” Joseph says, cocking an eyebrow at him.

“It’s about 8:09 right now,” Adam says as he checks the watch on his wrist. “I need to get there at least 8:30. Can you do that legally?” Adam says as he pulls the seatbelt over his chest.

“If you don’t open your eyes the whole ride over to see how fast I’m going is that considered legal?”

“No. It’s not.”

“Then no promises Parrish.”

 

* * *

“ _ Gansey _ , just ring the damn bell,” Ronan says as he stands next to Gansey at a stranger's front door, at a creepy ass house in a weird neighborhood with people obviously looking through their windows at the two boys.

_ Talk about nosey neighbors.  _ Ronan thinks as he glared back at them.

“I’ll knock because there isn’t a doorbell, Ronan,” Gansey says, knocking gently but roughly enough that someone will actually hear the noise.

As they stand waiting there like two kids asking for candy when it’s really Christmas, the door is opened by a short girl with a stern face.

Ronan waits for the girl to ask what the hell they want, but the short girl’s eyes go slightly wide with shock.

Gansey doesn’t seem to pick up on that because as Ronan’s eyes look over to his friend, Gansey wears an almost similar face as the girl.

“Funny how we meet yet again,” Gansey says with a smooth tone.

Is Ronan missing something here?

Gansey must feel like Ronan is really fucking confused right now, because he turns towards Ronan.

“This was the waitress I was talking to at Nino’s last night. And this-” Gansey says turning back to the short girl. “Is my friend Ronan. I hope it’s not too late to still do the reading?”

The girl doesn’t seem impressed by anything that comes out of Gansey’s mouth.

_ Must be a local.  _ Ronan thinks to himself while looking down at the girl as her head turns back to the home, while someone calls from within.

She is short with short hair.  _ Okay _ , maybe short hair isn’t it. Her hair is uneven and cut differently at awkward angles, all while trying to be clipped down by so many different pins and clips of all the colors of the rainbow.

She has naturally tan skin. Darker than Adam’s sun-kissed skin, of course. Ronan can almost think the right wording for the color would be ‘dark caramel.’

Her clothing choice is somewhere between the character Sally’s wardrobe from the movie  _ Nightmare Before Christmas _ and some rocker kid.

Ronan digs it, but he isn’t going to tell her that. Ronan isn’t the type of person to just throw out complements to anyone, even if the person looks ‘cool’.

The door opens wider, revealing an older woman coming into focus. She has long, rich brown hair that splits down the middle of her head while also having the same dark caramel colored skin as the short girl.

_ Mother maybe? _

“It’s not too late, I would say. Please come in. Names?” The older woman says, stepping back into the home for both of the boys to walk in.

“Gansey,” Gansey says while tapping his shoes clean before stepping a single foot into the home.

“Ronan,” Ronan says lazily, copying the same movement as Gansey to not seem like an asshole to the other women.

Walking into the home is not what Ronan had expected when first thinking of a psychic’s home. The place is clean, but it’s a messy type of clean, because it’s very cluttered, but not overwhelmingly so for new visitors.

“This way, please. Oh, also my daughter, who you two have already met at the door, she will be with us in the reading room. Will that be a problem?” The older woman says as she leads them through a hallway.

“No problem at all. Me and her have actually made acquaintances already,” Gansey says, following the woman with Ronan right behind him.

The older woman stops abruptly, making her hair sway in the sudden lack of movement, and almost making Ronan and Gansey fall into her in the process.

_ “Oh really?  _ The older woman says as she glances over in her daughter’s direction.

“He was a customer at Nino’s.” The short girl says in defense of her mother’s sharp glare.

The short girl’s mother seems like she  _ truly _ wants to know more about the ‘meeting at Nino’s’ but instead carries on with walking Ronan and Gansey to the reading room.

Entering the reading room, Ronan is surprised to see two other women.

The first woman that really catches Ronan’s attention is the one that seems to be  _ otherworldly _ . Alright, maybe once again, otherworldly isn’t the greatest word to use, but the woman doesn’t seem to fit in the same world they live in. Like she is  _ greater _ than the rest of them.

The way her very long, whitish blonde hair curls all around her, it is as if the hair is consuming her, but the part of the woman that really gets to Ronan is her eyes. The woman’s eyes are pure back.

_ Sometimes in lighting, a person’s eyes can look dark but this? Her fucking eyes are a living void. _

The other woman who stands in the room seems a lot more ordinary against her friend who sits in the chair next to her. Dark brown skin that glows with the lighting of the room, hair just as dark as her skin but with small hints of purple? Plum? Ronan can’t tell.

The only thing that comes to Ronan’s mind while seeing the other woman is ‘a never-ending burning coal mine.’

“Please, take a seat, if you would like,” the mother of the short girl says to them. She makes her way into the room and sits in the chair that is the head of the long table.

Gansey takes a seat, but Ronan doesn’t.

Ronan doesn’t like the dense atmosphere in the room. So he’ll be doing no sitting until he sits his ass back down in The Pig, while Gansey drives him back to Monmouth.

Ronan feels like people in the room know more than they were letting on, and that isn’t doing anything good with Ronan’s attitude on the situation.

He wishes Adam was here to at least even out the group a little or give Ronan a reason to stare at the back of his head and avoid talking or making eye contact with anyone.

_ Damn, very would've thought that Noah was right.  _ Ronan thinks to himself

Ronan really does wonder where the hell Adam might be right now.

“Knock, knock.” A voice comes from the door that Ronan and Gansey just came through not even minutes ago.

“Yes, Orla?” The short girl’s mother says in a kind voice.

It reminds Ronan of his own mother. That makes his stomach start to knot up.

“These two said they’re here for the party of  _ Gansey _ ?” The girl named Orla says.

“Two?” Gansey says hopefully, eyeing the older girl in the door frame area, who blocks him from seeing anything past her.

Ronan is genuinely relieved that Adam somehow picks up Noah and gets here on time before anything can fucking start. Ronan’s back is starting to sweat, and he never likes that feeling, it’s always a clear sign of him being on edge.

“Send them in then.” The short girl’s mother says, doing a hand gesture of saying ‘ _ yeah, sure just bring them in so I can get this over with. _ ’

God, does Ronan feel the same way.

Orla moves out of the way to let Adam and … and…

“You gotta be fucking with me,” Ronan says aloud for the group to hear him.

Because after Adam arrives in the reading room with everyone else, Joseph fucking Kavinsky walks right behind him like he was invited to this appointment in the beginning.

_ What the fuck.  _ Ronan thinks.

_ What the fuck. _

_ What the  _ **_fuck_ ** _. _

**_What.The.Actually.Fuck._ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I literally had read so much from the book to make sure everything was slightly somewhat matched up   
> (^～^;)ゞ
> 
> Also I hope the way I descried some of the women of Foxway was alright. Honestly I have to say I really liked Persephone character in the books the most out of all three psychics without counting Gwenllian, well she isn't a psychic but like she's still pretty cool.
> 
> Anyway I hope y'all like this chapter, had to go through it and look back at it a lot to make sure things flowed nicely (`･ε´-ゞ) Have a good day guys! When ever you see this!


	14. Give a chance

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I take your wrist,  
> I see your fate in the palm of your hand,  
> See your first kiss."
> 
> "See the, see the day they lower you into the ground."
> 
> ~ Oracle by TENDER

**** “Is that it?” Joseph asks, finally slowing down the car to take a better look at the huge house to the left of them.

_ Thank god! _ Adam thinks as he breathes out a sigh of relief, placing a hand on his heavily beating chest.

Adam turns his head, looking out the passenger side window towards the home that Joseph thinks might be the one.

“Well, the mailbox says 300 on it, so it must be it,” Adam says. “The Pig’s here too, so that’s a dead give away.”

“The  _ what _ ?” Joseph asks him, giving Adam a puzzled look from the driver’s seat.

“It’s nothing, please just park the car, so I can get out.”

Adam doesn’t fully know if Gansey would bring Ronan along with him to this type of  _ ‘meeting,’ _ but really knowing Gansey’s behaviors, he definitely would bring Ronan.

Adam sometimes doesn’t even know why he doubts the bond between Ronan and Gansey have together.

_ It’s stupid in the first place to think that kinda way.  _ Adam thinks to himself as he undoes the seatbelt that kept himself safe for the whole car ride.

_ If you want to even call what Joseph just did a ‘car ride,’  _ Adam thinks again.

“What, can I not come with?” Joseph asks him, putting the car in park next to the sidewalk.

“Joseph, I’ll pay you back for the ride, but right now? No, you can’t come with. I’m sure Gansey and Ronan will be in there and to be honest, Ronan doesn’t like you, and neither does Gansey.”

Adam doesn’t want to waste any time on trying to lie an excuse to Joseph about why he can’t come in.

_ Did Joseph forget who he was? Did the guy forget about how he personality affected other people? _

“Well, I thought at least you liked me, Parrish,” Joseph scoffs bitterly, unlocking the doors. “But  _ oh well _ , you can go now and hang out with your friends.”

“What do you mean by ‘ _ you thought I liked you’ _ ?” Adam asks back at the boy who seemed to make less sense now than before.

“ _ Oh my god _ , forget it, Parrish. Just leave, dude.” Joseph says hysterical, staring out the window as the words escaped his mouth. He doesn’t make eye contact as he leans his left elbow against the window frame, having his other hand combing through his hair.

Adam doesn’t know what to say or what to do.

He is just so stunned by Joseph’s sudden change in demeanor, Adam needs a second to understand why Joseph is so upset.

_ Wait, wait… Does Joseph actually think of me as a friend? _

_ Wait, do I see him as a friend? _

Adam truly doesn’t know the answer to that question.

Adam has been going to Aglionby Academy for three years now, and throughout that time, Adam would never think of Joseph Kavinsky as a friend.

Of course, Adam also doesn’t give him a chance, either, because of the rumors he had heard about the famous boy last named  _ Kavinsky _ . So Adam doesn’t see the reason to befriend him, and especially after becoming friends with Gansey.

_ But didn’t everyone deserve even one chance? _

Adam believes in giving chances.

That’s what Gansey did for him.

“Joseph,” Adam says calmly.

Adam saying Joseph’s first name instead of his last name sure makes the guy quickly look at Adam.

“I’ve been a… a real idiot, okay? And if you promise me, like _really promise_ _me_ here that you won’t mess with Ronan or Gansey, then you can come in with me.”

Adam literally expects Joseph to say ‘ _ no promises’ _ like in the car ride over, but Joseph merely nods and says “Yes, I promise.”

“Alright, then let’s go in before they tell us to leave and never come back.”

 

* * *

“ _ You gotta be fucking with me,” _ Ronan says as Adam and Joseph step into the reading room.

_ I really didn’t expect anything else from Ronan. _ Adam thinks as he hears the words.

But before Ronan can say any more words to Joseph, or even something worse, Adam interrupts by saying “I invited him to come in with me.”

That gets everyone's attention back on Adam. Gansey looks shocked, but Ronan looks even more pissed after seeing Joseph walk in with him.

“What did ‘ _ he’ _ do to convince you, that bringing him along would be any good?” Ronan says to Adam, while still giving a sharp glare at Joseph.

“I didn’t convince him of shit,  _ Lynch _ ,” Joseph says, crossing his arms.

_ “Everyone needs to have a seat or shut up!”  _ Shouts the woman who sat at the head of the table.

Hearing the fierce voice of the older woman, all three boys shut up immediately. Adam and Joseph takes the woman’s words and finds two open chairs at the table, while Ronan just claps his mouth shut and still stands near Gansey.

_ “It is too damn loud in here,” _ The older woman says, gently touching her forehead with her fingers. “So please refrain from any issues that belong in the group of  _ you _ four.”

“Should I go?” Says a girl in the corner of the room, Adam didn’t even notice the short girl lingering in the room until just now.

“Why do you need to leave?” Gansey says, finally speaks up from his seat, looking quite perplexed with the short girl.

Adam feels like he could be missing something here.

_ Maybe I’ll ask later about it, _ Adam thinks.

“My daughter is a type of amplifier for the three of us.” The older woman says as she gestures to the other two women next to her. She turns back to them. “ _ And you four…… are very loud right now _ .”

Adam is beyond confused by the older woman’s words. But before Adam can even get a word in, Gansey is already beating him to it.

“What do you mean that she’s an ‘ _ amplifier’ _ ? And I think we’ve quieted down a bit now too, so I’m lost with us being louder than before.” Gansey says, trying to put the pieces together without coming across as rude.

“She’s an amplifier for any person who has psychic abilities, which makes all three of us more in touch with people’s energies,” the older woman speaks to them.

“And your four’s energies are  _ very………… _ ” The older woman loses her words in deep thought, but instead of answering any of them, she turns to the other woman with cloudy hair.

“How do we even go on like this?”

Adam doesn’t really like how the older woman says those words to her friend, as if it is a real nuisance for the four boys being anywhere near them.

But her cloud haired friend doesn’t seem fazed by any of it.

“Shall we do it one at a time, then?” The clouded hair woman says.

“We’ll have two one-offs then.” The other woman who stood to the opposite side of the head of the table says. “Or some of them will just have to leave. I’m starting to get a headache on how noisy it is right now.”

“A one-off is?” Gansey ask.

“Take or leave it, Maura. It is what it is,” the woman says to her friend who’s name is  _ Maura _ ?   _ Glad to finally know who still sits at the head of the table _ .

Adam was starting to not particularly like the other woman, completely disregarding Gansey’s question at hand.

_ She doesn’t have to be rude to him. _

The woman whose name is Maura presses a hand to her jaw, mulling over her friend's words.

“A one-off is basically when one of each of you four draw a single tarot card, and we interpret it,” Maura says, answering Gansey question finally.

Adam liked Maura a lot more than her friend.

Gasney turns his head towards Adam. He’s probably mentally asking whether Adam thinks it’s a good idea to go along with the ‘ _ one-offs _ ’ plan that the three women suggest.

Adam doesn’t think they have any other choice but the one that they're given. And Adam doesn’t see anything that they could possibly lose by doing so.

He nods to Gansey, mentally saying he’s up for the task.

“We’ll do anything that’s the most comfortable for the four of you,” Gansey says, being the smooth talker he is.

“Let’s have Blue deal it,” The cloudy haired woman says from her seat.

Adam has no idea most of the women's names in the group other than Maura. But it seems the short girl closest to the four boys age is named Blue, as she moves from the corner of the room closer to the table.

Looking closer, Blue looks a lot like her mother, Maura. Or maybe it is that Maura looks like an older version of Blue?

Adam can’t tell.

They are both beautiful in their own ways.

The cloudy haired woman grabs a packet of cards from an unknown place, handing them to Blue.

Blue seems to notice all the attention drawn to her as she shuffles the cards in her hands. She looks like she really knows what she is doing. Adam doesn’t know how to shuffle cards the way that Blue is doing, how effortlessly the way Blue moves the cards through her fingers.

She looks quite satisfied with the job she has done with the shuffling of the cards. Her fierce eyes moves between all four boys, looking back and forth in deep thought.

_ Maybe thinking about who should go first? _

_ She should probably pick Gansey. This was about him, anyway,  _ Adam thinks.

Before he can think any more into it, Blue turns his way instead. But he doesn’t hesitate; Adam reaches out his hand to draw the top card.

“Upright  _ Justice _ ,” Blue says.

“The card for you means that as an outcome of something you did in the past will come into account for true judgment. The Justice scales are balanced, but it means no favors.” Maura pauses.

“Whatever you had done, it has long-term consequences that will change your present and future actions. You will not become truly honest without being honest with yourself about said actions.” She finishes.

Adam’s blood runs  _ cold _ with Maura’s words.

Even with his blood running with the winter winds, he still feels the sweat in his palms starting to accumulate. Just the word justice seems  _ off _ , and Maura adding that the card had ‘ _ no favors _ ’ means a lot more.

He wants to leave.

_ Now. _

But isn’t he guilty and demanded of a judgment full of fairness?

Balanced of the sins he’s committed?

Adam doesn’t need to ask any more questions of the card. He knows what it means. What it is going to judge him on.

“Thank you,” Adam says, trying his best to wave off the stares coming from Gansey and Ronan.

And Joseph as well.

“Let’s continue then,” Maura says.

Blue then turns to Joseph.

Adam doesn’t even want to look at the card Joseph draws out, but Adam can’t take his eyes off of Joseph’s pale hand slipping off a card.

Scratch that,  _ two cards _ .

“Uh? I grabbed two, should I put one back?” Joseph asks Blue.

“No. Show both of them.” The cloudy-haired woman says quietly to Joseph. The looks coming from Maura and the other woman don’t seem welcomed, but neither of the two say a single word.

“Upright  _ Fool _ and upright ...…”

“ _ Death _ ,” Joseph says.

Adam doesn’t like this appointment  _ at all _ .

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I know this chapter is a lot like the TRB book but I hope the ending is good enough to start the change of things to come (U •́ .̫ •̀ U).
> 
> Also a heads up ⊆ↂᴥↂ⊇ I wrote out the Arcs of this whole damn fic. It will have 5 Arcs in totally and to just tell you know, we're still in the first Arc guys. So get ready for a long ass ride (((ง’ω’)و三 ง’ω’)ڡ≡


	15. Card games

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I felt you in my life before I ever thought to,  
> Feel the need to lay down beside you and tell you."
> 
> "That I feel you in my heart and I don't even know you."
> 
> ~Nineteen by Hayley Williams

**** Joseph can’t stop the words from escaping his chapped and ragged lips. He gawks at the second card that he pulls from the deck in Blue’s hands.

“ _ Death _ .”

Someone might try to cut the tension with a knife, but the tension is so extreme, the knife would probably break.

“ _ Mom _ ?” Blue says, waiting for her mother to explain the cards.

“Oh yes, sorry. I was…” Maura trails off in thought, still looking down at the cards that Joseph has drawn.

“The upright fool can mean many things,” states the white-haired woman with vacant eyes. “You have reached a point in your life that has begun anew, that can bring very good potential to benefit yourself and the others around you.”

“The fool lives a somewhat carefree life. He has the downfall of not worrying about the dangers that can lay ahead of him.” She says, moving her blank eyes to meet with Joseph’s.

His bare arms prickle with cold goosebumps.

And that isn’t something that often happens in Virginia.

The way the woman with white hair looks at him, as if she’s not really  _ looking _ at him at all but instead at something far more unspeakable with any known language on earth.

Something far away from the present that can’t be touched until it is too late.

Joseph doesn’t want even to ask what the hell  _ the death  _ card means, but it doesn’t stop the woman with dark plum hair to speak out.

“The death card isn’t all bad so don’t get your brief boxers in a wist now.” She rolls her eyes dramatically. “It can mean that you closed one door to open some other door in the process. You must let go of the things that keep you in the past.”

“But.” She pauses.

_ “But?”  _ Joseph repeats.

“ _ But _ if you won’t let go of the past, you may experience pain in both emotional and even a physical way. You must end a turmoil that has been with you for you to be free from it,” she says.

“So which one goes first?” Joseph asks to any of the three older women in the room who would give him a straight answer, hopefully giving an answer that he can actually work with.

“There is no real answer to which one comes first. Events happen in life that we will never get to control. We can only control our actions towards said events,” the white-haired woman says quietly in an almost childlike wonder.

_ What is with this chick? Of course, we can control what happens in our lives. If we can’t, then why bother with living in the first place? Why live when things are already set in stone?  _ Joseph thinks to himself.

_ I’m no fucking puppet. _

“Ahh….  _ Thanks _ ?” Joseph says to any one of the three women. Adam said a ‘thank you’ to the women, so Joseph thought to go along with it.

Maybe it can make him seem nicer to Dick and Lynch-- maybe even stop them from busting his balls for being here in the first place.

With Joseph’s very few words, Blue probably takes that to be her cue to move on from him.

Now she moves towards Lynch, who is the only one from their group to be standing up, other than the woman with dark plum hair.

The guy doesn’t seem impressed at all with the deck of cards in Blues hands.

_ Still the hard-to-impressed-asshole as ever I guess.  _ Joseph thinks.

_ But I gotta know what kinda cards he picks now. _

 

* * *

“No,” Ronan says to the short girl named Blue in front of him.

After all the time Ronan has been here, in this home, hearing the meanings of the cards that have been drawn from both Adam and Kavinsky, he just isn’t impressed at all by the bullshit that the  _ ‘cards’ _ have to say.

“Don’t want to pick one  _ huh _ ?” Blue says tensely, as if she’s challenging him even to dare say that he thinks that they’re some kind of hacks.

Ronan doesn’t think there are  _ ‘hacks,’ _ but he doesn’t believe in things that don’t have actions after them.

_ Just because you pull a couple of cards out of a deck doesn’t mean anything at all,  _ Ronan thinks.

_ Anyone can say some words about some freaky looking cards. _

And yet nothing has happened thus far.

So Ronan isn’t impressed.

Simple as that.

“No, I’m not going to take a single card unless I hear something true about me first,” Ronan says, crossing his arms over his chest.

A chuckle came from Joseph’s month. “ _ Oh my god, come on Lynch _ ,” Joseph says from his chair next to Adam’s.

“Just pick a fucking card. You literally can’t get anything worse than a  _ death _ card, dude. And what do you have to lose by just picking a card? What are you so scared about us finding out?  _ Mhmm? _ ” Joseph says, leaning onto the smooth table surface, cradling his face in both of his hands.

“You're not even supposed to be here  _ Kavinsky _ ,” Ronan spits back.

“But we’re not talking about  _ me  _ here. We’re talking about  _ you _ .” Joseph points a finger at him.

_ “So.Pick.A.Card.Lynch.” _

Ronan is about to just say ‘ _ fuck all of this _ ’ and go back to The Pig. He doesn’t need  _ Joseph Kavinsky _ telling him what to do; Ronan doesn’t even let his fucking brother tell him what to do.

So how on earth does Joseph Kavinsky think he can?

Ronan’s blood is fire and  _ venom _ , lacing his veins as his anger takes him higher and higher and consuming more of him with each passing second.

Before he can stomp away to unleash his anger somewhere else other than the room or  _ Kavinsky’s face _ , a cold, damp hand touches one of his arms.

Looking down, it is Adam.

He stands from his chair, looking at Ronan with his calm, cool, composed face, light sky-blue eyes that hold no judgment towards Ronan’s explosive anger.

Ronan is surprised to see it is Adam and not Gansey reaching out to him.

“What  _ do _ you have to lose?” Adam says, serene but yet curiously, and holding himself back from being too pushy to Ronan.

“If the truth between what’s real in these  _ cards _ and knowing what’s real to you, then what’s really more important in the end?”

Ronan wants to talk back to Adam and say that Adam is being fucking stupid about the whole card reading shit.

But in all reality, Ronan knows he would be lying if he did say it.

Ronan is no liar.

And Adam knows that very well.

“So might as well let these _charming_ _ladies_ tell you something about your brilliant future in the meantime,” Adam says in a humorous tone, tilting his head just a bit towards the group of women.

Adam isn’t making fun of any of the women, but Ronan knows what he meant anyway.

Ronan looks around the room. The three older women all hold different expressions towards him, ranging from discomfort to totally unfazed by Joseph’s and his bickering.

“So? Are you going to pick one, or are you going to make me stand around all night? Because there’s no way I’m standing more than I have to for you.” Blue says bluntly.

_ Wow, everyone's so damn into me picking up one of these cards. It feels like this should be a video in some health class on the dangers of peer pressure.  _ Ronan thinks to himself in ironically

“ _ Fine _ .” Ronan breathes and undoes his crossed arms to reach out and pull from the deck in Blue’s hands. Flipping the single card over between his fingers, Ronan shows what he got.

_ I have no idea what this fucking card means,  _ Ronan thinks.

“I have no idea what this fucking card means,” Ronan also says aloud.

“First of all, stop talking like that. It doesn’t show the ‘ _ smart’ _ side of you,” the woman with plum-colored hair says to him. “And second it’s the upright Tower card, which can be taken a lot of ways as with most cards.”

“It doesn’t look like it means anything great with these people falling,” Ronan says to her, pointing a slimy finger to the two figures that fall from the edge of the tower.

“I thought you didn’t care what the cards meant?” she asks him back, a thick eyebrow arched.

Ronan remains silent to that question.

“Anyway… The upright tower can mean that you’ve been living somewhat safely in the comforts of your life for some time now, but a sudden change has brought up disaster, showing that through this ‘disaster’ a lot of inner-self has changed as well.”

With hearing that, Gansey’s eyes dart over towards him.

_ You don’t have to make it so obvious that you think it’s true.  _ Ronan thinks.

“But unfortunately more than one ‘disaster’ can occur with this card, the tower will fall whether you like it or not. On a good note though, every destruction becomes creation. You must be strong through these ‘disasters’ or your inner demons will come for you.” She says to him.

Ronan doesn’t like how she says the last sentence.

‘ _ Your inner demons will come for you _ ’ The phrase keeps repeating over and over in Ronan’s mind. He wants to know if she means his thoughts as metaphors of  _ demons _ or she means literal demons.

Ronan doesn’t want time to tell him if it is going to be real or not.

“Alright, alright. Blue.  _ Please _ , the last one.” Maura says to her daughter, eyeing the clock in the room.

Blue looks a bit tense when her mother calls her to move on from Ronan and go to the next boy.

Which is Gansey.

Blue moves from Ronan over to where Gansey sits in his chair. Blue holds both of her hands out, softly cupping the deck of cards for Gansey to extend his hand to. Taking a single card from Blue’s hands, Gansey flips it over to show everyone.

“Nope. Pick a different one please.” Maura says suddenly, annoyingly gazing down upon the card laying that the table’s surface.

“Why’s that?” Gansey says.

“Because it’s not  _ your card. _ Blue, reshuffle the deck, please,” Maura tells her daughter.

“ _ Maura _ .” the woman with white hair calls to her friend, but Maura completely ignores her.

“Why is there so much drama in this card game?” Joseph whispers into Adam’s ear.

Blue does what her mother tells her to do. Reshuffling the cards like she is some type of pro  _ poker-dealer  _ in a cosmo. She finishes up with the shuffling, holding the cards out again for Gansey.

And doing once again, he picks one from the top of the deck.

“ _ That is not your card _ ,” Maura says again, looking furious with the card in Gansey’s hand.

“But I’ve picked it up now a second time. Do you really think it’s not my card?” Gansey asks Maura nicely while upsetting the psychic even more.

Ronan looks down at the card in Gansey’s hand. Reading it, it says, ‘Page of Cups.’ There is a girl on it that kinda looks like Blue.

_ Wonder if it’s just me who sees it? _

“ _ Blue. Again. _ ” Maura depends.

“Would you care to at least tell me  _ why _ this isn’t my card?” Gansey says.

“It’s my  _ daughter's _ card; it has her energy in it. So it can’t be  _ yours _ ,” Maura ruffles.

“This is the most tomfoolery shit I’ve ever seen in a psychic’s place,” Joseph says, somehow actually causing Adam to chuckle a bit.

Ronan can only grub a frustrated hand down his face with all the irritation that runs through him. But on the other hand, Ronan can almost agree with Kavinsky there.  _ Almost _ .

Blue shuffles the deck for the  _ third time. _

Gansey lets out a sigh and reaches over for the third time to pick up a card.

“‘ _ That’ _ is your card,” Maura says, seeming quite satisfied with this draw.

_ That’s fucked up,  _ Ronan thinks as he looks at the card in Gansey’s hand.

“ _ Uh _ ? Why are there two death cards in a single deck?” Adam says, staring out at the card that Gansey has drawn.

“We combined Calla’s and my decks so everyone will have fine chances of picking a card without someone getting one and not the other,” Maura says to all of them.

“Oh, that’s great, Maura,” Calla says with her hands crossed tensely over her chest.

“What?” Maura says, but Calla doesn’t give her a reply.

“I don’t care if this is my card actually,” Gansey says looking down at the card in his hands. “Kavinsky has already gotten this card, and it was interpreted too but I’m not here really for you three to tell me my future.” Gansey says as he hands the card back to Blue.

“And I’m perfectly fine with finding that out myself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry guys ¯\\_╏ ՞ ︿ ՞ ╏_/¯ I've been a little busy and also might have saw Infinity Wars with my roomie. (I did and I started to ball like a new born baby)
> 
> Anyway sorry this chapter might seem a little slow ƪ(‾ε‾“)ʃ I had to go back and look over and re-read it a lot to make sure it didn't seem too weird. I hope you guys like it though and are having a good day no matter what time you see this! You guys rock! ヾ(＠^∇^＠)ノ


	16. Under water. It couldn't get better.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You know that I won't let you fall,  
> And they say the future's out to get you.  
> You know that I won't let you fall,  
> Future's out to get you, future's out to get you all.  
> Future's out to get you, future's out to get you all."
> 
> "Truth be told, the truth be told.  
> I'm worried what the future holds, the future holds,  
> I'm so tired of being worried about Ray."
> 
> ~ Worried about Ray by The Hoosiers

“I’m really here to ask if any of you three know about an energy that is called the  _ ley line _ ?” Gansey says.

_ Ley line? Mhmm gotta hear about this. If I can take stuff outta my dreams then who knows what kind of other crazy shit is around this place. _ Joseph thinks to himself while trying to get comfortable in his chair because unfortunately, his ass has fallen asleep.

After all of the card readings, Joseph is kinda getting into this. Well, the card reading doesn’t mean a whole lot to him but hanging out with Adam is … is  _ nice _ ?

Joseph still doesn’t like Dick or Lynch as much but with Adam being around? It seems easier to deal with the other two boys.

“The  _ ley line _ ? I’m not sure if I know it by that name but could you explain what it is?” Maura asks somewhat uninterestingly.

Joseph sees how Blue and the other two woman move their gazes towards Maura, as she asks Gansey what the  _ ley line _ is.

_ I smell a fucking liar, _ Joseph thinks to himself

Joseph can lie easily, that’s just how he is as a person, and nothing is easier to him then to spotting a bad liar in a room full of people.

_ Maura _ ? She obviously hadn’t lied enough in life to be at least decent at it. That makes Joseph a little more curious about what she’s hiding from a nice boy like Dick.

“The ley line are lines of energy that crosses the whole globe. They can be connected to places that are very spiritual, too. I thought maybe you three would know anything about it because you deal with different types of energies.”

Maura doesn’t respond as she presses a finger to her lips in thought, looking between her two friends and she asks, “Does that ring a bell for any of you two?”

The one woman with white hair suddenly jumps from her seat and says, “Oh dear, I forgot my pie crust,” and she up and walks away like she wasn’t even asked a question.

Maura turns her gaze towards her other friend, as now she’s the only one left to lie to all four of the boys’ faces. Well, other than Blue, of course.

“I’ll have to think about it,” Calla says

_ Wow, ain’t you gals just heartless, but I guess I shouldn’t be thinking that when I’m just the same way. Still, at least I’m better at lying, so no one knows I actually am lying,  _ Joseph thinks.

Joseph sees that Dick can also see right through their lies as he wears an amused smirk. Maura offers to Dick that if he leaves his number, she might call him back if she knows anything in the future.

The key word being  _ might _ .

But Dick knows that there isn’t going to be a  _ might _ in his future at all.

“Oh, that alright, how much for the readings?” Gansey asks as politely as he can knowing that someone is straight up lying to his face.

“Just twenty.”

“ _ Twenty _ for all four?” Gansey says, peeking inside his wallet.

_ Like absolute hell I’m gonna let Dick pay for this! I came here uninvited, so better make myself worthy of at least paying. _

“ _ Here _ ,” Joseph says to Maura, already having his wallet out and slipping the older woman a nice hundred dollar bill.

Maura doesn’t seem a little bit bothered with Joseph giving her a hundred instead of a single twenty.  _ But let’s be honest, who would be bothered with someone giving them more money than they asked for? _

“I’ll see you out then,” Maura says to all four of the boys, taking the money into her pocket.

Dick, Adam and Joseph get up from their chairs at the table, expect Lynch who is still standing throughout the whole readings. Joseph makes it his number one job to be last one walking out, lazily behind everyone else, as they walk through the hallway to the front door.

When everyone is out the front door but for Joseph, he stops before Maura can just eagerly shut the door on him.

“You shouldn’t lie like that,” Joseph says, both hands tucked into his front jean pockets.

“ _ What _ ?” Maura says to him.

“I’m just saying if you guys didn’t like Lynch’s attitude then maybe you guys should check your own first,” Joseph says, taking a hand out to pick underneath his fingernails.

“Because if you think Lynch didn’t show his ‘ _ smart side’ _ when he was being honest with you three, then  _ damn _ , you guys aren’t even trying to be smart here.”

The look on Maura's face shows how extremely pissed off she is by Joseph’s words of calling her fucking stupid, and also shows how guilty she feels for getting caught in a simple lie.

“I know what it is.” She finally admits.

“Yeah I bet you do but why couldn’t you just tell the guy instead of lying so obviously to him?”

“I don’t want to help him,” Maura says plainly.

“That’s literally all you had to say.  _ Hey _ .  _ HEY _ !” Joseph yells, cupping both sides of his mouth to make it louder. “ _ Dick _ , dude she was lying! She just didn’t want to help you!” Joseph calls from the front door.

“You're  _ very _ rude,” Maura tells him.

“ _ Ha _ tell me something I don’t know  _ psychic _ .”

And like that, Joseph walks to his Evo without saying another word.

 

* * *

“I have to go, guys,” Adam says to Ronan and Gansey, as they walk back to both cars.

“Oh, do you need a ride?” Gansey asks, opening his car door.

“No… Uh, I’m going to ride with Joseph, actually,” Adam says somewhat shyly, stopping short from The Pig and both boys in front of him.

“You can’t be serious,” Ronan says, leaning on the passenger door of The Pig. “Why did you even let him come with you?” Ronan asks.

Ronan wants Adam to say that Kavinsky is holding something over his head, Ronan really wants Adam to say that Kavinsky is just being an asshole and not leaving him alone again, something small and easy to deal with.

Ronan  _ just _ wants Adam to say that he isn’t starting to actually like Kavinsky.

Ronan can feel his stomach knot over and over in a way that he didn’t like. It gives him a foul, bitter taste in the back of his mouth, and his back sweats from all the heat lingering in the air. His anger doesn’t help with sweating either; he probably needs to shower real soon.

Adam looks at his watch. “I am being serious  _ Ronan;  _ I don’t have a lot of time to be out right now to explain to you why I did it.” Adam exhales out a long sigh, looking up from his watch.

Ronan’s and Adam’s eyes meet in the blackness of the night. Adam’s eyes look so eerie with the little amount of light coming off of the light poles that litter the long street.

Adam’s features look so tired and hallowed out, but he is still shining in all the darkness.

Ronan hopes that Adam isn’t getting into something he shouldn’t be. And that, being the life of Joseph Kavinsky.

Ronan has known of Kavinsky since the very first day at Aglionby. It’s not as if Ronan always disliked Kavinsky company; it was more that Ronan knows better to not play with a box of matches when you are in a pool of gasoline.

Joseph Kavinsky is famous in their school, all right.

Famous for the parties that leave people taking for days on end drugs that don’t seem even to be possible to take. For the effects that they give to the people who take them. For the alcohol that everyone seems to drink down like it is water. For the cars that smell of gasoline and burnt rubber.

It is the  _ thrill _ that came with knowing Joseph Kavinsky that makes it feel nice, but in the long-term?

In the long-term it is  _ dangerous _ .

But Ronan takes Adam’s words without a fight. He knows that it will be easier for Adam to get home on time. It will be safer for him, Ronan might even sleep knowing that he didn’t cause Adam harm tonight.

Kavinsky yells something to them about Maura lying to Gansey, like none of them know that already. After that, Kavinsky makes his way over to his Evo.

“Ready to go?” Kavinsky asks Adam, confidently.

“Yeah.”

Without many other words between them, Adam Parrish leaves with a boy Ronan almost feels envy towards, now. Both boys get into the Evo and drive away into the darkness of Henrietta.

Just like that.

Ronan doesn’t bother to look longer at the car driving down the road, going off until it's just a tiny light in the distance. He just moves his tiring, heavy body into the passenger seat of The Pig.

He doesn’t buckle himself in, only sitting in the cool leather of the car seat, feeling wonderful on his back.

He waits for Gansey to get on with it so that they can get back to Monmouth already. Gansey sits himself down in the driver’s seat, but he hesitates before putting the car keys into the engine, turns in his seat towards Ronan, and he asks, “Do you know when the winter Aglionby dances is?”

“Are you really asking me when the dance is? I hardly even go to school enough to know what our teacher's names are.” Ronan laughs a little with the crude joke he made towards himself.

“Fair enough, fair enough. One more question though.”

“ _ Of course it’s two _ .”

“What kind of flowers do you think that girl, Blue would like?”

_ Oh my god, fucking shoot me. _

_ Please. _

 

* * *

_ “Joseph.” _

_ Hearing his name, Joseph opens his eyes to see that he’s in his old room. His room when he was much younger, the one back in Jersey. _

_ The room is just how he remembers it, too. _

_ But he doesn’t have time to look at anything, because he hears strange noises coming from the hallway. He can’t really make out what the noise could be, but in his gut, it’s screaming at him that it’s nothing good. _

_ “Bogdan? Hey. Are you awake?” Joseph calls out to his brother's side of their bedroom. _

_ But Bogdan doesn’t reply to him, not even a ‘shut up and go back to sleep.’ Joseph is only met with silence and more of the strange sounds. _

_ Thankfully, Joseph and Bogdan have a nightlight in their room. Even though their father disapproves of it, but his mama doesn’t mind sneaking in at night to plug it in for Joseph to sleep better. _

_ Pushing off the blankets that keep him warm and sliding off of his bed, Joseph makes his way over to his brother’s bed. _

_ “Bogdan?” Joseph whispers, as he lifts the covers, but finds that his brother isn’t sleeping soundly like normal. _

_ He isn’t even there. _

_ Joseph knows he doesn’t want to go into the big hallway by himself, but it seems like he had no other choice right now. _

_ Of course, he could go back to his tiny bed and try to find sleep once again, but he knows if he doesn’t check to see what is making those noises, then he really won’t get any sleep tonight. _

_ Walking over to the bedroom door, Joseph makes sure to open it slowly. He doesn’t want to wake his father or mama just because he wants to see what is making sounds in the night. _

_ He especially doesn’t want to wake his father. _

_ Joseph slithers through the crack he opens in his doorway and quietly walks out into the dark, dark hallway of his home. _

_ The sound is even louder out in the hallway, which really surprises Joseph that no one seems to be awake looking for whatever it was making those noises. _

_ He has to extend an arm out in front of him and to the side. He feels along the side of the walls to know where he’s going and with one arm in front in case he bumps into something. _

_ Or someone. _

_ As he steadily walks closer and closer to the noise, he can almost say it sounds like its someone who is choking on water. Or could it just be someone gurgling water? _

_ He can’t tell. _

_ No matter how much Joseph thinks about it, he doesn’t know who would even be gurgling water this early in the morning. And the other thought? He doesn’t want to think too hard about that one. _

_ Thinking too much does nothing for calming his nerves. _

_ Stepping through the dark hallway more, Joseph is met with light glowing from underneath their guest bathrooms door. _

_ So it really is someone gurgling on water! Joseph thinks to himself, feeling relieved as he reaches out to open the door. _

_ “Brother are you in her-” Joseph asks but ends his sentence as he stares into the blinding white bathroom as a scene plays in front of his eyes. _

_ Kneeling next to the bathtub is Joseph’s older brother Bogdan, all right. But it is their mother who lays slumped in the bathtub that horrifies Joseph the most. _

_ His mother’s whole body convulses in their guest bathrooms tub while white colored foam froths from her parted pink lips. _

_ “Mama!” Joseph screams as he rushes to his her side, falling to his knees with a thud on the hard bathroom floor. _

_ But he’s completely frozen about what to actually do to help her. He’s never seen her like this, and he doesn’t know if touching her or moving her just a little bit will only do more harm. _

_ “What’s wrong with her? What do we do to help her!?” Joseph begs to his older brother. _

_ “Why didn’t you just tell him. It’s your fault this is happening now.” Bogdan says flatly to Joseph, getting off his knees to stand stiffly _

_ “W-what do you mean? Who’s him? Bogdan, we need to call for help, mama needs help!” Joseph says, staring at his brother. _

_ Joseph is so confused and distorted with everything going on in his mind. His thoughts come and go on what to do right now in this type of situation.  He wants to help his mama, to fucking save his only friend in the world, the only person who looks at him with any kind of love. _

_ “You can’t help her anyway, Joseph. She’s gone. Ah, just look at her,” Bogdan says with disgust lanced through his voice. _

_ Joseph doesn’t want to look back at his mama’s face and see the foam once again and her shaking petite body, but he can’t keep from looking away for long. It is as if he needs to look at her. That something is making him look at her. _

_ “Oh GOD!” Joseph chokes out from his mouth while falling backward from the utter shock of what he sees. _

_ His mama stops shaking, but now … now she has a hole in the middle of her forehead, dark red blood spilling thickly out onto her pale white face. Her eyes are even open, but are nothing but milky, white eyes that hold no life. _

_ But the worst is the smile on her face. _

_ How it looks like someone removed her lips to show all of her white, pearly teeth, and stretching the corners of her mouth too far, making it look so painful. So forced. _

_ Joseph starts to sob grossly on the floor. He doesn’t care if he wakes his father now. He wants his mama back. _

_ To not look like ‘this’ anymore. _

_ “J͏o̷̵̢s̵̸͝e҉p͜h͏̡.” A voice comes. _

_ Looking towards the bathtub again, it is his mama but… but… _

_ It isn’t. _

_ Her milky cloudy eyes are on him now. _

_ Joseph can’t move with the fear going through him. _

_ Paralyzing him. _

_ She starts to try and move her body, but it looks all wrong. Her limbs are snapping and breaking with every contorted movement she makes to get out of the tub. Flopping onto the bathroom floor with a sickening, slapping sound that echoes off everything. _

_ She starts to drag herself over towards him. _

_ “S-Stop, please. J-J-just no more.” Joseph pleads with her. _

_ Her painted nails start ripping off her fingers, as she comes closer and closer to him. Dragging a bloodied broken hand to his face, she pulls him towards her shattered body. _

_ Joseph shakes with so such fear he doesn’t know what to do. What can he do? The only real thing he can do is sob and cry. _

_ That’s what his father always told him, saying he was the best at those two. _

_ She pulls him into what could almost be called a hug. She lays her head on his shoulder, as her neck snaps with sounds of bones breaking. Joseph can feel the blood from her body start to seep and stain his pajamas. _

_ “Brother.” Joseph sobs out while being held by this being. Looking back up to his brother,  Joseph sees that Bogdan isn’t young anymore, like he is. Bogdan is much older with sharper lines on his face just like their father. _

_ What kind of hell is this? _

_ “ _ **_J̴̺̗͔o̷̬͇̮̺s͙͈̖̣̜e̤̟̗̕p̥̲̘̖͖̤ͅh̜͎͖̳̦̹_ ** _.” She breathes heavily into Joseph’s ear left ear. _

**_“Y̡̝̺̰̩̫̞o̧͇̞͍̤͖̞̙̺ͅų̗͔͕͍̰͚̳ͅ ͖̩͟ͅs̺̺͘h͏̰̙̩̥̘͈͈o͎̗̦̭̫̱u͏͉͍l̘͖̙͟ͅd҉̶̩̼̠͓̰̳'̧̨̮̮̼̖̻̺͈͟v̢̥̞̩͙̯͔̲̱̗e̛̳͎̳̪͞͡ ̵̢̨͓̲͓l̦̼̝͕̤̬̞̼e͙̯̱̘̰̜͙̺ţ͖͡ ̳̤y̺̙͈̦͚͖̻̼ơ̖̦̥͕̻͉̲̝ͅṷ̢̩r̘̤̪̗̪̹̯ ̴̯̣̲͉̰̺̘̲͝͝f̶̷͖̺̣̞̤͟a̵͓̥̟̟̘t̨͏̞̗͇͍̭h̸̡̭̼͍͓̳͔̬͈ͅe̡̧̬͇̣͈͖̦̭r̛̭̖͜͞ ̮̪̯̥͢k̸͎̯̖̙̯͇ͅį̶̛̙̤͍̲̲l̼͓͠l̲̖̱̟̟͘ͅͅ ̷̴͎̞͍̗y̸̜͔͟o̙̗̣͓̲̻̻̱u̡͔̗̝̞͕͓̪.̡̣̝̮͢”_ **

_ And with that, she pushes him back into the darkness. _

_ As he falls and falls into the void. _

_ He can only hope that he is going to hit the ground soon. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well hello! (*´ω｀)o This chapter is longer than normal but I hope it's not too boring of course! Also wanted to say that guys, we finally hit the ending of the first Arc!! With 116 pages! HOly FUCK σ(≧ε≦ｏ)
> 
> I hope that this Arc was alright. It was really only made to give y'all a taste of what is to come. (•̀⌄•́) Specially with that ending (˵¯͒〰¯͒˵) *wink* *wink*. And a heads up on with the chapters updating. It might take me longer to get these chapters out with how much more I have to edit and look at the story but I'll try my best to get them out as fast as I can.
> 
> Hope your guys Firiday's is going good or whatever day you see this!


	17. He wondered why

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I found comfort, I fell in love with avoiding problems,  
> And that was the problem."
> 
> "'Cause I want this, you know I want this,  
> So come on mess me up,  
> And you can break me, if you'll still take me,  
> Ruin me, if you'll let me be."
> 
> "One of the ones you say you won't forget,  
> 'Cause I want this, you know I want this,  
> So come on mess me up."
> 
> ~Come on mess me up by Cub Sport

****_ *buzz* *buzz* _

“Oh the life of shit,  _ shut up _ .” Joseph groans into his pillows.

He had already woke up three fucking times in his sleep, and he wanted to get a least three hours tonight. Three hours, that’s all he’s asking for.

_ *buzz* *buzz* _

“I’m going to strangle whoever is texting me right now, I  _ swear _ ,” Joseph says aloud, slapping his nightstand with his free hand, trying to find his cell phone without opening his eyes.

Grabbing what he hopes to be his cell phone, he brings it to his face. Unlocking it, he sees the name of someone whose number was not in his phone before, but is now.

**Jiang: Good morning! You might be a little pissed at me for putting my number in your phone without you knowing, but dude it’s kinda your fault for having such an easy passcode. Putting it as the zip code for Avenel New Jersey? Kinda boring.**

What could Joseph say? He loved his home state.

**Jiang: Anyway, you should hang out with me and Swan soon, like today soon. Me and him hung out with two other guys and they're cool enough for you to grace your bad attitude with. Also Don’t be an ass and not text back. It’s an iPhone dude. I can see if you saw the text or not.**

It has been two weeks since dropping Adam safely off at his home after the psychic reading done at  _ 300 Foxway. _ Somehow in that time period, Joseph has done very little to get closer to Adam.

The guy seems to always be busy with work, and if it isn’t work, then it is homework or too little time to hang out before going back to his trailer.

Joseph never knew how busy Adam Parrish's life was until this point.

But it doesn’t stop Joseph from bothering Adam at school and eating lunch with him and Dick’s little gang of merry men. Of course, there’s Jiang too, who’s been up Joseph’s ass almost day and night, trying to get Joseph to hang out with him.

It’s not like Joseph doesn’t want to hang out with Jiang, but for some strange fucking reason, Jiang really wants to hang out with Joseph.

_ God, I hope Adam doesn’t feel this way towards me.  _ Joseph thinks as he stares at his phone scene.

He doesn’t know what say back to Jiang’s texts.

_ Is it time to try and make friends? _

Joseph never thinks about making friends when he starts going to Aglionby Academy. Every boy that Joseph has met in the past and present has their heads too far up their own asses to even think twice to wipe their heads when trying to make conversation with another human being.

_ Well yes _ , there are exceptions now.

First time meeting Ronan Lynch was as magical as it could be but now the boy is different, changed after his father’s unexpected death. He is more spitfire and challenging stances, more blunt words and dark shades of black.

Joseph kinda likes this Lynch more than he did during the first years of schooling with him.

But now Adam is even more interesting than the fiery Lynch boy. Adam holds himself back from getting into fist fights; he knows how to think logically when stressed, Adam has to work for everything that he is, Adam Parrish is completely different than Ronan Lynch in every aspect.

He is not as fiery as Lynch, but he is much more dangerous than that.

Adam Parrish is blackened  _ frostbitten  _ limbs.

Adam Parrish is silent  _ hypothermia _ .

And Joseph doesn’t mind getting frostbite by being near the boy. It is an exciting new experience; Joseph hopes for it to be  _ exhilarating _ .

_ Wow, calm down now. _

Joseph has to stop his thoughts before they start to go off the edge of his imagination. Looking back to Jiang’s text, Joseph types out what he thinks is a good “alright I’ll go” text.

**Kavinsky: It’s not even six in the morning you fuckin idiot. But I’ll go, text me when the suns up and people are truly enjoying being awake at that hour.**

_ *sent* _

Joseph tosses his phone somewhere on his bed, not caring where it goes.

He lays his head back down on the soft pillow, awaiting some type of miracle sleep to wash over him.

But, as always, it doesn’t happen.

“ _ Fuck _ .” Joseph curses softly, dragging himself out of bed to make his way to his bathroom. Flicking on the overhead lights, Joseph walks over to the shower and turns it on.

Hearing the water droplets hit the bottom of the shower is always satisfying to listen to for Joseph. It reminds him of rain on a spring day in the middle of a humid afternoon and that special type of smell that comes off the plants and trees when it rains; that is one of Joseph’s favorite scents. It makes everything seem cleared of toxins and so full of life.

It also makes Joseph sad.

Because the rain can never wash away any of his toxins.

_ But time is changing isn’t it?  _ Joseph thinks.

_ Maybe I can change too, _

 

* * *

After a long shower and throwing an outfit together, Joseph makes his way downstairs. It is empty, as per usual, but that gives Joseph room to make some food, and, the hour being so early, it gives him lots of time, too. Joseph might not be the best cook around, but he knows how to make his mama’s favorite dish.

Preheating the oven to 350 degrees and getting some pans out, Joseph begins to make some baklava.

 

* * *

Joseph balances a tray full of food in one hand while trying to knock on his mama’s door with the other.

“Can I come in? If I’m met with silence I’ma take that as a ‘yes’,” Joseph says, hopefully loud enough for her to hear if she’s still sleeping.

And silence.

_ That’s my cue. _

Joseph fumbles with the door handle but finally gets it, twisting the knob he lets himself into the massive bedroom. Walking casually in, he sees his mama laying in her bed, staring blankly at the ceiling.   

“Morn’ ma, how are you feeling?” Joseph asks as he sets the tray of baklava and milk on her nightstand. He sitting close to her on the squishy bed.

“Tired.” She says, still lingering in the same spot.

His mama looks tired as hell, if he’s being honest. Her beautiful hazel eyes look terribly heavy with wisteria colored bags under her sockets. Even her hair seems a bit more greasy than normal.

Joseph wonders if her new medication is having any bad side effects on her. He will have to call her psychiatrist and ask later.

“Well, I wanted to tell you that I’ll be out for awhile. But if you need anything, and I mean  _ anything _ ma, I’ll come right back. Okay?” Joseph says, tucking a few golden strains of hair behind her ear, doing what she used to do for him when he was younger.

His mama doesn’t reply, but that’s fine. Joseph just needs for her to know that he will be out. He doesn’t want her having an attack if she walks into his room and sees he isn’t there to greet her.

He lifts himself off her bed carefully, making his way over to the door, but he is stopped halfway from touching the handle by his mama’s words.

“Joseph?”

“Yeah?” He says turning around, seeing that she’s finally sitting up on the bed.

“ _ I-I’m a good mama right? _ ” She asks, her eyes strained downwards to her lap, her long fingers gripping the edges of her blankets.

Joseph can feel the oxygen in his lungs disappear with those words, while a burning tightness squeezes his throat closed.

Joseph loves his mama.

“The best mama I could ever ask for,” He says with a smile.

She doesn’t look at him when he says those words; she doesn’t say a single thing more to him. Joseph takes that as his answer, opening the bedroom door and closing it softy behind him.

Before he can even begin to walk over to their staircase, he hears her sobs of the agony of a long-lasting heartache of years and years of pain.

He wonders why he can’t even lift a finger to help that pain go away.

He wonders every day.

 

* * *

“Ten inches,” Ronan calls out from underneath his BMW.

“I don’t think that’s enough,” Noah says wearily back to him from above.

“Would I lie about this? No, I wouldn’t. Ten. Inches, Noah.” Ronan says back, hoping that the pale boy gives him what he needs already, but after seconds start to pass, he pulls himself out from underneath the car upon hearing a rusted bike ride up.

And Ronan only knows one person who even rides a bike around here.

“Do you know when Gansey’s coming back around?” Adam asks, trying to kick out his kickstand. Giving up after a few frustrated tries, he lets his bike fall into the grass.

“Can’t say I was paying much attention when he told me. What time did he say to you?” Ronan asks.

“Around three,” Adam replies.

Ronan and Adam fall into silent staring, as Noah stares at the stacks of plywood. Noah’s eyes go back and forth between looking at his hands which Ronan is guessing is what Noah thinks to be ten inches and the plywood next to him.

Noah looks very confused.

Adam bumps Ronan’s shoulder with his own, asking “What are you guys doing with this anyway?”

Ronan can feel a smirk creep up on his face, when the other boy asked the question.

“Well, it goes a little like this. Ramp. BMW, And the  _ goddamn moon _ .”

“The trajectory seems to be quite small for whatever you’re building there to touch the moon. Also, it screams the end of your suspension,” Adam says, crouching down to try and fix his bike again.

“I don’t need to be treated like this,  _ Mr. Bill fuckin Nye, the science guy _ ,” Ronan says in a mocking tone. If Ronan is mocking Adam and his nerd talk, Ronan enjoys this type of time with him.

He enjoys it  _ a lot _ .

Suddenly The Pig, that isn’t supposed to be coming in until three o’clock, pulls up into the Monmouth parking lot, roaring with life as it always does.

Another thing Ronan enjoys quite a bit.

With The Pig rolling to a stop, Gansey hops out of the car while holding his phone to his ear.

_ Must be talking to Helen about the helicopter situation,  _ Ronan thinks.

“He bought her the flowers.” Noah suddenly says out of nowhere. Adam and Ronan’s heads turn to the pale boy next to them.

“What girl?”

“He did?”

Ronan and Adam say at the same time, cutting between each other's sentences. Adam then looks at Ronan with a bewildered expression.

“What girl, Ronan? Gansey doesn’t know any girls except for his mother and sister.”

“ _Damn_ _that’s ice fucking cold,_ ” Ronan says. The sass in Adam sometimes comes out of nowhere, but it’s not that Ronan doesn’t like it.

“And it’s probably that short girl we met at the psychic reading place,” He finishes saying.

“But she didn’t even say a lot to him, and it doesn’t make a lot of sense for him to send for flowers,” Adam says, standing up and giving up a third time on his bike.

“Remember the night at Nino’s?”

“ _ Oh yes, how could I forget?” _ Adam sarcastically says.

“So when he ran off to go somewhere after ordering the pizza, that the first time they actually met,” Ronan says, ignoring the sass that comes from his friend's mouth.

A few seconds pass, and not far from them, Gansey comes jogging up to all three of the boys. A little out of breath and a grin on his face, he asks them.

“Do you guys mind if someone else joins us on today’s adventure?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (ฅ⁍̴̀◊⁍̴́)و ̑̑Hello y'all ! I'm here once again to bring the newest chapter and the start of the second Arc of this story! This chapter might seem a bit weird because of the cutting and going into different parts of POV's but I still hope y'all like it.( ꒪Д꒪)ノ
> 
> Also if you wanted to know what bakiava is well then it's basically a dessert type of pastry that is made with filo dough, chopped up nuts and soaked for a while in honey. Not the best for a breakfast food but Joseph could careless about that.


	18. I envy your type of mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There is a map in my room,  
> On the wall of my room,  
> And I’ve got big, big plans."
> 
> "But I can see them slipping through,  
> Almost feel them slipping through,  
> The palms of my sweaty hands."
> 
> ~ Maps by The front bottoms

**** “So where am I going?” Joseph talks into his cell phone which is currently being squished between his shoulder and ear.

“ _ To the dorms at Aglionby,”  _ Jiang replies through the phone.

“Why the fuck would I want to go to Aglionby on a Saturday?”

“ _ Me and Swan live in the dorms you asshole.” _

“That must’ve slipped my mind then.”

“ _ No, it didn’t.” _

“Haha, yeah, I didn’t, but I’m a man of my word. So I’ll just meet you outside, or do I have to find my way to your dorm room?”

“ _ I’ll be outside to help you, so you don’t get lost on your way up, that is.” _

“Just like how my foot’s going to get lost on the way up into your ass,  _ Jiang _ .”

“ _ Wow, someone’s is grumpy this morning.” _

“And yet, you're still shocked with this info? If you ask me, not everyone wakes up when the rooster is crowing with a smile plastered on their face -- unless those people down three Red Bulls and are ready for the world to end. Other than that, seems pretty fake.”  Joseph says, shutting the door to his Evo.

Joseph doesn’t talk on the phone while driving; it never felt right to do those two things at a time. Yeah sure, Joseph liked to race, but that had nothing to do with talking to someone.

When racing, all your focus is on winning.

Nothing else.

“ _ Such passionate words for someone not liking mornings,”  _ Jiang jokes.

_ I’ll probably like mornings better if life was nicer to wake up to, _ Joseph thinks to himself while putting the car keys into the engine.

“Yeah, I’ll be about thirteen minutes,” Joseph says then without warning, hangs up on Jiang and tosses his cell phone over to the passenger seat.

Gazing out his windshield, he looks at his home. Joseph now regrets the promise he made to hang out with Jiang. He doesn’t know why, but he just doesn’t feel up to seeing anyone right now.

He feels as if he’s not putting enough effort into caring for his mama. He feels that’s he’s not doing enough to help her get outside more, help her laugh more, make her smile again with that special light that shines like a thousand stars. To help make her life something she wants to take part in again.

_ Will it ever be enough? Will I ever be enough for you to smile again? _ Joseph thought.

_ No, no, that’s selfish _ . Joseph shakes his head in thought.

_ That’s so selfish of me to think only of myself in this situation. I want ma to be better for herself not for me. _

Twisting the keys, he starts up his car and drives out into the road ahead of him, hoping that he doesn’t make a mistake today.

 

* * *

_ “Please Adam, pleeasseeeeeee.” _

Adam recalls the words Gansey said to him before he started on his walk towards  _ 300 Foxway. _ He didn’t want to go, but he probably needed a nice walk to try and ease his stomach before the helicopter ride.

_ But why was I the one to go pick her up? Couldn’t Gansey just do it? He’s the one that asked her AND got her flowers, _ Adam thinks to himself as he approaches the house of the three psychics in the distance.

Adam doesn’t want to be some type of  _ messenger _ between the two. If this  _ does _ continue, Adam just hopes that Gansey will be less shy, or maybe Gansey won’t be shy at all?

Adam doesn’t know.

It feels so out of character for Gansey to ask him to get someone that Gansey might like.

_ Wait… _

_ Has Gansey ever dated someone before? I don’t remember him saying anything about past relationships. _

If Adam’s thoughts are right, then it makes more sense for Gansey to be a little shy.

Walking up to the front door, Adam is about to knock, but the door is already being swung open revealing the short girl, Blue.

Good thing Adam steps out of the way of her, or she would’ve ramped right into him.

“Uh hey,” Adam says, stuffing his hands in his pockets.

“Hey, oh where’s Gansey?” Blues says, shutting the front door behind her, turning her head to look around for the boy who called her earlier.

“He asked him to walk you over to Monmouth,” Adam says while following Blue as she makes her way down the sidewalk.

“Thanks then.” She replies politely.

As they walk side by side, Adam notices that Blue is wearing a dress that has so many layers of different types of green fabric sewn together that it reminds him of the rainforest.

That and a pair of beat-up combat boots that has roses sewn in.

It is a style he never seen before.

It looks quite alluring in a way.

“You look nice,” Adam says, really meaning it, too. He never believed in complimenting too much, but when he sees something amazing, then he’ll say some words about it.

“ _ Pshaw _ . I don’t think so,” Blue says.

“What do you mean by that?” Adam asks curiosity.

Adam feels like Blue isn’t the type of girl who cares how she looks to others. She does not give a single  _ damn _ if someone thinks she’s pretty or not, but it’s surprising nonetheless to hear her say she doesn’t think so.

“Because I’m not the  _ ‘pretty’ _ that Aglionby boys think is ‘ _ pretty.’ _ ”

_ That is a strange way to say it. _

“I think that’s a ridiculous way to view it.”

“ _ Ridiculous _ ?” Blue repeats bitterly.

“I’m not saying that what you think is  _ ‘ridiculous’ _ but that it is ridiculous that some people would close their minds so narrow that they miss out on something beautiful,” he says honestly.

Adam would  _ like _ to say that he can’t understand why people would find someone unattractive because of what they wear or what they’re worth, but he can understand.

Because Adam has to deal with it every day at school.

Adam’s thoughts bring him back to Joseph.

How does he see Adam? Does Joseph think of him as dirty? Poor? Trash?

Does Joseph think he is ugly?

_ Wait? Why would I care if he thought I was ugly? _ Adam tries to shake the thought from his mind.

“Are you saying that you think I’m beautiful?” Blue asks casually, still walking towards their destination.

“It’s not that  _ I _ think you’re beautiful, Blue, but that you  _ are _ beautiful,” Adam says, hoping that she doesn’t feel weird with him saying the words. He doesn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable being around him.

Blue said nothing for the next few moments of their walk.  They listen to the calming, buzzing sounds of the wind touching the grassy fields they pass, the cars that casually by them once in a while.

“I think you're beautiful, too,” she says.

Adam can’t help but laugh.

He’s not laughing at Blue, of course, but never in his entire life has Adam been called  _ ‘beautiful’ _ .

Adam’s father, Robert, believes that man can never be considered beautiful or anything close to the word. He believes that men can only be  _ handsome _ and  _ rugged _ to be attractive to women.

Adam can’t help but just  _ laugh _ because Blue, a girl he hasn’t even known for long, thinks he is  _ beautiful _ .

Adam Parrish?  _ Beautiful _ ?

Something Robert says can never be.

Adam wishes it could be true, though.

“Can I ask something?” Blue says.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

“Did you hear what my mother said to that tall guy who came in with you? What was his name again?”

“Oh,  _ Joseph _ ? No, I didn’t hear anything, but Joseph let everyone kinda know what she had said to him,” Adam says, remembering Joseph yelling across the yard from Blue’s front door. “That she wouldn’t help Gansey find the  _ ley line _ ? Something towards that?”

Blue nods her head then hands him a piece of notebook paper. Unfolding it, he sees a briskly drawn out map of Henrietta. Adam is going to ask what this has to do with the  _ ley line,  _ but then Blue pulls out a familiar journal.

_ Gansey’s journal. _

“Gansey left this at Nino’s a couple of weeks ago,” She says, talking about the journal. “ I should’ve of given him the book back at the reading, but you kinda saw how that went……. My mom isn’t like that at all, but besides that, I want in on this thing you guys are doing.”

Adam is dumbstruck on how quickly Blue offers to help them. Adam doesn’t doubt Gansey’s thoughts on whether Blue is a nice girl, but what is her end game about helping them?

It’s not every day that someone is willing to help you do something that you know their parent disapproves of.

“Why?” Adam asks her.

“You heard my mom in the reading room. I help make things easier for people who are psychics.” She pauses. “I’m also the only one in my family that isn’t a psychic and if this thing you guys are trying to find is real, as in  _ real _ magic, then I want to see it. Even if it’s just once. That’s all I need.”

Adam looks at the girl who walks next to him. She is just like Gansey in this weird way, not needing solid facts but glimmers of hope that what they’re looking for in this world can be  _ real _ .

That it is  _ real _ .

Adam envies that.

“‘That’ paper is the way to the corp- the  _ ley line _ .” She points at the paper in his hand. “It leads to the church because the church is on the  _ ley line _ .”

“How can you be so sure?” He asks her, but Blue gives him a passive scowl.

“Okay  _ look _ , it’s either you believe me or not. I’m not even asking for you to believe me. You guys said you wanted to know, well here you go. Take it or leave it.” She says bluntly, walking ahead of him, leaving him to make up his mind now to trust her or not.

Adam doesn’t like gambling; he definitely doesn’t like gambling on people’s trust either, but like Joseph, Adam is willing to give chances to the people he saw fit.

And Blue was one of them.

“I’ll take it.” He says, finally eyeing Monmouth in the distance not too far from them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope this chapter is okay ૮(˳❛ ⌔̫ ❛˳)ა also hope that I kinda was alright writing Blue's lines? ᘳ´• ᴥ •`ᘰ
> 
> I feel like she's an hard character to write? I don't know if that's just me but that's how I feel. But anyway I hope y'all's day is going good! Whatever time of day or what day it is, you guys and the comments really help me run this story! Thank you all.


	19. New faces could bring trouble for others

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And in my best behavior,  
> I am really just like him."
> 
> "Look beneath the floor boards,  
> For the secrets I have hid."
> 
> ~John Wayne Gacy Jr. by Sufjan Stevens

****Joseph steps out of his Evo, remembering to make sure to lock it up as he does so. Even if this is the Aglionby dorms, he does not trust leaving things unlocked after getting kidnapped by his father.

Joseph doesn’t need anything else happening like that.

He knows he won’t be as lucky next time.

Joseph thinks it will be best to smoke one of his dream cigarettes before engaging to meet/talk to new people. He hasn’t taken anything _hard_ lately, but he can really use a little _stress reliever_ right now.

Digging a pack out of his pocket, he looks at which color he wants to pick from.

Joseph has come up with the idea that the smartest way to know how high or low one of his dream drugs are going to be was to color-code them. Joseph’s pink cigarettes are the ones closest to _normal_ cigarettes he can make. That’s why when Jiang and Swan wants some, it is best to play it safe with it.

He ends up picking a golden one.

 _The first drag is always the best._ Joseph thinks, feeling the magical mixture of weed and a dumbed down version of valium fill his lungs with a lemon cream flavor.

Looking around a bit as he smokes, Joseph spots Jiang’s Supra next to a set of blue and red VW Golfs and an unpleasant looking yellow RX-7.

 _That’s so gross._ Joseph thinks to himself.

_Why would you get such a nice car but get a piss colored paint job?_

Joseph is just about finishing off what is left of his cigarette as he sees Jiang walking along the sidewalk towards him.

“Gotta say I’m a little hurt you hung up on me but saying that wouldn’t do so much against you, when I know that you can’t feel any guilt,” Jiang says, sliding up him.

“Can I have one?” Jiang’s says, pointing to the nub of what used to be Joseph’s cigarette in hand.

“Not this one,” Joseph says before taking a final drag off the tiny cigarette, throwing it to the ground. “What happened to the three pink ones I gave you and Swan?” He asks Jiang, still pulling out the pack he had in his pocket.

“Three cigarettes are going to make do for two people in fourteen days? You crazy?”

“ _Mhmm,_ _maybe I am?_ Maybe I’m so crazy, I’ll not give you any more cigarettes,” Joseph says, arching an eyebrow at Jiang.

“Or maybe we can trade?” Jiang says.

“What would you have that I would actually want, Jiang?”

“ _What do you want then?_ ”

_That’s a pretty opened ended question to ask._

Joseph has to think about that for a second.

What _does_ Joseph want?

He is pulling Jiang’s leg here with the cigarettes deal, but the guy is totally serious right now.

But Joseph knows that in all reality, that Jiang can’t give him anything that he can’t dream up instead but….

 _What can’t I dream up?_ Joseph thinks deeply.

What things did Joseph never have that could make things around here better for him? What can Joseph want that people have never given him in the past? There are _so_ many things to pick from but which one would be the best?

_Oh._

“Your loyalty, Jiang,” Joseph says simply.

“I want your loyalty to me,” He says again, holding out a black cigarette between his fingers tips. Waiting for the other boy to make up his mind, to take Joseph’s offer or to leave it to the wind.

Either way, Joseph doesn’t lose anything in this.

_Maybe this would be the breaking point for Jiang? Would he run off after this? Doesn’t fucking matter._

_It’s not like we’re really friends, anyway._

“My loyalty for a single cigarette? _Damn_ , you are fucking crazy Kavinsky,” Jiang laughs loudly.

Joseph knows that, that is it. Jiang can’t do it. That is fine with Joseph. He doesn’t need anyon-

“But you know what? Maybe _I’m_ just as crazy, because I’ll do it.”

The words come out of Jiang’s month before Joseph can shut himself down completely.

Once again, Jiang has surprised Joseph.

Joseph wants to know more about why Jiang, this boy he only met a little less than three weeks ago, would just swear his loyalty to him. Not even so much of a hesitating look crosses Jiang’s face as the words leave his mouth.

 _What made a person do that?_ Joseph can’t help but think.

 _Oh well_. Maybe Joseph doesn’t need to know now and never needed to know why Jiang said yes to him. All he needs to know that it’ll be true and boundless as the oceans that cover this rotting earth.

Joseph hands over the black cigarette to Jiang. The other boy puts it in his jacket pocket gently. “I’m saving it for when I _really_ need it,” Jiang says.

“So come on. Let’s go up before they wreck my newly cleaned room.”

 

* * *

 

As Jiang opens the door to his dorm room, it reveals three boys. Obviously, one was Swan, who lays on his bed looking through a textbook from one of his classes that lays on his stomach.

And there are two other boys who Joseph hasn’t met yet.

_Where do all this fucking kids come from?_

“Is this the kid who you guys said had a bowl-cut?” Joseph asks, pointing to a boy that sits on the ground, knees crossed, looking like he is wearing a tracksuit.

The boy who sits on the ground looks like he doesn’t hear Joseph say he has a bowl-cut, but everyone else seems to hear it, as they all start to laugh.

“Whatcha guys laughing about?” the bowl-cut boy says, taking out a pair of earbuds from his ears.

“You,” the other unfamiliar boy says, who lays in what Joseph thinks might be Jiang’s bed.

“What, another ear joke? Ya, fuck you guys too.” The bowl-cut boy says, pouting.

“You probably fucking _wish_ proko,” the other boy says, sitting up in the bed, getting off and walking over to stand in front of Joseph and Jiang.

“Is this that dude you were talking about Jiang?” the boy says, eyeing Joseph up and down.

Joseph guesses from height alone that this guy is a freshman. He’s even shorter than Adam, topping off around 5 foot 5 or so.

“You talk about me?” Joseph says, turning to Jiang, ignoring the boy’s question.

“The whole school talks about you,” Jiang says as if  Joseph was a continuous subject of gossip.

It still doesn’t feel like the same thing to Joseph. Yeah, the other students in their school sure talk about him behind his back, but what is Jiang saying about Joseph? Is it good? Is it bad?

_Most likely bad._

“Anyway, this is Blake Skovron who is, _unfortunately_ , a junior like us. He is just cursed with a baby face and a small stature,” Jiang says.

Joseph has to agree with Jiang's words.

Blake has light lines on his face, and the lines on his jaw are not too keen. His hair is unbelievable pale cream color, but his skin is even paler.

“First of all shitface, I can say my own name,” Blake says to Jiang, and then he turns to Skov, “and second, just call me Skov.”

“Are you _albino_?” Joseph asks Shov. It’s a genuine question, but Jiang ends up laughing harder than before next to them.

“Dude you already know I’m albino, why do you always have to fucking laugh when someone brings it up?” Skov asks Jiang, who’s almost kneels over with laughter.

“Because you are the whitest guy around, they might as well play that ‘ _play that funky music’_ song whenever you enter a room,” Jiang says, wiping away some laughter tears.

“You shouldn’t make fun of him Jiang.” The bowl-cut kid says, standing up.

“He literally made fun of you not even 2 minutes ago for your _hair_ ,” Jiang says. “I have no idea why you hang out with Skov when you guys are polar opposites.”

“Who knows? Maybe Skov is actually nice under all the layers of vodka and weed?” Swan adds in from his bed.

“Fucking _maybe_?” Jiang scoffs to himself. “Well whatever, this is Prokopenko.” Jiang points to the bowl-cut kid.

“Nice to meet you Kavinsky, Proko is fine, too” Prokopenko says, extending out a hand. The boy _did_ have a bowl-cut, but it wasn’t that _bad_.

It’s really just a mop of light brown wavy hair with a fade-out for the undercut. Proko has both ears pierced with two small matching gold hoop earrings, and his face is littered with dots of freckles and has high cheekbones.

The freckles that cluster around Proko’s face remind Joseph of Adam’s features.

How Adam’s freckles look lighter in color from being out in the hot Virginia sun, while Proko’s freckles are darker with layers and layers of them on top of one another.

“I don’t shake hands,” Joseph states, not taking Proko’s hand nor looking at him in the eyes.

For some reason, Joseph feels it is too intimate to look at Proko’s eyes. Being around nice people is not something Joseph is accustomed to.

“ _Oh_! Shit sorry, I should’ve known better, that not everyone likes that type of stuff,” Proko says, shyly rubbing the back of his head with his other hand.

_Jeez, this guy just oozes niceness._

“Uh alright,” Joseph says, stepping more into the dorm room. “So what are we doing? Just sitting around? Doing nothing?” Joseph asks, looking around the room.

“We’re teenagers Kavinsky, that’s what we’re best at,” Jiang says, tossing himself on his bed.

He can’t tell if Jiang is being sarcastic or not.

Joseph stands awkwardly in the middle of the room, not knowing what to do or where to sit his ass down.

Swan looks like he is going to be continuing to study. Jiang is texting someone ( _like always_ ). Skov sits at the end of Jiang’s bed flipping through TV channels with a remote in hand. And there is Joseph.

Just standing around.

_Fuck, I don’t know how to do this._

“Hey, wanna listen to some music?” Proko asks, plopping down onto the ground, leaning up against the bed for back support.

“No one wants to listen to your weird ass music taste, Proko,” Skov remarks from the bed, remaining to still go through the TV channels.

Proko doesn’t look like he let Skov’s words bother him too much. Instead, he offers up a single earbud to Joseph.

_What do I have to lose? As with Jiang, it doesn’t hurt me in any way to listen to some kids music for a few minutes._

“Alright,” Joseph says, sitting down, not too close to Proko, sticking the earbud into his right ear.

Proko goes through his phone and picks a song, and soon a soft lull of a piano starts to play through Joseph’s ear. The piano plays with a beat that feels as if it is resounding. It strangely fills Joseph’s mind as if he is placed in a distant area.

A voice comes along with the music that plays. It is shocking to Joseph how this person’s voice sounds. It has a sad sort of comfort to it, as the singer sings to the melody.   

_“The evil, it spread like a fever ahead,_

_It was night when you died, my firefly.”_

Joseph looks over to Proko, who has his eyes closed. He steadily moves his head to the words of the song, as if he is singing the song himself.

 _Never saw someone listen to music like that before,_ Joseph thinks, while his eyes are fixated on Proko’s movements.

_“What could I’ve said to raise you from the dead,_

_“Oh, could I be the sky on the fourth of July?”_

Perhaps Proko feels Joseph’s eyes linger on him, because as the lyrics of the song carry on, Proko’s eyes open, showing Joseph a set of deep umber-brown eyes.

Proko smiles tenderly at him, but Joseph has to look away again.

Joseph has never been the reason for someone smile.

It feels _strange_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Really sorry about the lateness of this chapter (ó﹏ò｡)
> 
> I've been busy with my extreme lack of sleep and had a weird case of writers block. I've also trying to get out more with going to LGBTQ+ youth meetings and maybe try to make friends. I want to saw that I'm going to take longer on making chapters now, I don't know how long but I've hit a writers block and I need time to look over my writing. I hope you guys don't really mind and if you do. Then sorry? I need time to even out the pacing in this story without rushing it.
> 
> Anyway I hope this chapter is okay-ish? Also hope y'all day is going good no matter what day you see this at.  
> ₍ᐢ•ﻌ•ᐢ₎*･ﾟ｡


	20. My thoughts hurt but do your thoughts hurt too?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Not gonna get us,  
> They're not gonna get us.  
> Not gonna get us."
> 
> "Not gonna get us,  
> They're not gonna get us,  
> They're not gonna get us,  
> Not gonna get us."
> 
> "They're not gonna get us,  
> Not gonna get us."
> 
> ~Missed by Mikeboi (the remix version of 'Not gonna get us' by T.A.T.U.)

****Sometime between listing to music with Proko _and_ watching Proko listen to music, Joseph had fallen asleep.

Feeling something poke his head, Joseph opens his eyes to see that the room has gotten much darker. Only the dim orangey-yellow sunlight coming through two windows brightens the room.

Looking behind him, where his head is being poked, it is Jiang’s big fucking foot.

“ _That’s so fuckin gross, like why?_ ” Joseph says, pushing Jiang’s foot away from his face.

“Well, I called your name, but that wasn’t working. So my next best plan to wake you up was poking your head without getting _my_ ass up to do so,” Jiang says, taking his cell phone away from his face to sit up in his bed.

Joseph kinda wonders who Jiang is always texting; the boy seems to never leave his phone alone for no longer than 30 seconds. But Joseph isn’t one to ask many questions. Instead, glancing around the room, he notices that it was just him and Jiang in the dorm now.

“Where is everyone?” Joseph asks lethargically, rubbing his face with both hands to erase any traces of sleepiness from his features.

Joseph also notices that he has both earbuds in his ears. Taking them out, he ponders if Proko put the other one in while he was sleeping.

 _That guy’s weird._ Joseph thinks, looking down at the set of earbuds, resting in his hands.

“They went to go get some food at the dining hall while you, _sleeping beauty,_ were napping. I told Proko to put on some heavy metal music to burst your eardrums, but he didn’t think that was a good idea.”

“Is he always that nice?” Joseph asks, standing up and stretching his stiff neck.

“Yeah, he’s been like that pretty much since me and Swan had class with him. Even when Skov’s an asshole to him, he doesn’t seem bothered with it. Can’t say why anyone would be like that but it beats having an uptight prick,” Jiang says, standing up and walking towards the door to put on his shoes.

“We going to the dining hall?” Joseph asks.

“Actually, I got a text from a dude in chem class, saying someone is having a party tonight. You want to come with?”

Joseph had heard of this upcoming party.

Some random kid named _Tommy Acres_ has his place free from his rich parents for about two weeks if Joseph’s memory is correct.

Of course, Acres had asked Joseph to go to his party, but at the time Joseph was busy trying to talk to Adam.

And what a time that _conversation_ was!

 

* * *

_“Come on Kavinsky!” Acres said,  hovering over Joseph’s shoulder._

_“Leave me alone for a bit, and I’ll get back to you if I feel like it,” Joseph said through his teeth._

_Joseph was sitting next to Adam at an outdoor lunch table. Even in November, the weather in Virginia was still around sixty degrees._

_It was a damn miracle, too, that Dick and Lynch had something to do at this time of day. So, as they were off somewhere, Joseph was trying to have a little time with Adam while he could get it._

_And Joseph really wanted some alone time with Adam._

_“Why are you even hanging out with ‘him’?” Acres asked, bending down to Joseph’s ear, trying to be sleek to not let Adam hear his words._

_But Joseph knew that Adam could obviously tell that he was being talked about._

_“Acres,” Joseph said, eyeing the boy who was now treading on the thinnest of lines._

_“What? I’m just saying that: why bother with hanging with local filth when you can party and live it up with a person more of your stature?”_

_Joseph scoffed at the words Acres used to try and make him smarter than he really was._

_He was about to tell Acres to leave before Joseph could get ugly with his words and fist, but Adam was already beating Joseph to it._

_“You know, Acres,” Adam begins, “trying to talk about someone behind their back is usually done ‘behind’ their backs and not badly done by whispering into someone’s ear,” he said, still writing a line of words down on his notebook._

_“It looks like you're begging for some type of praise from Kavinsky by belittling me, and asking for approval like a dog awaiting it’s master,” Adam said, closing the notebook after finishing writing._

_“And I can tell you, Acres, that you are not the master here.”_

 

* * *

 

The chills that Joseph felt when Adam said that to Acres was _insane_. Joseph kept on seeing how Adam was so much more than he really was by each passing day.

“When is it?” Joseph asks Jiang, trying to come back from his thoughts on Adam.

“It starts around _ten-ish_ tonight, and it’s already eight right now. The guy that texted me said we don’t have to bring anything to the party, so we’re good on that,” Jiang says, opening the door.

Joseph doesn’t know if he’s up for a party tonight. He did tell his mama that he would be out for some time, but he didn’t say he’d be out until early _morning_.

But on the other hand, part of Joseph wants to see how the four boys party.

Joseph is curious and has nothing better to do.

“Yeah,” Joseph says. “I’ll come.”

 

* * *

 

“So who’s going to be the sober driver of the night?” Jiang’s says. After having what could be called dinner at best. Joseph, Jiang, Swan, Skov and Proko make their ways to their cars.

“ _Fuck_ if it’s going to be me!” Skov says “I need to get some alcohol in me. It’s been two weeks and _‘this’_ face,” Skov points to his smooth features, “Does not get past liquor store counters, even with a fake ID. It’s still a pain in the ass.”

Joseph can agree with that.

“Swan?” Jiang asks the taller boy walking next to him.

“I don’t want to be stuck with that responsibility today,” Swan says dully.

Joseph wonders if he should go back home and change his clothing choice. After everyone ate their meals at the dining hall, the four boys go back to their dorms to change into better clothing.

 _What kind of fucking party is this?_ Joseph thinks to himself, as he looks at all the boys’ outfits.

Jiang would be hands down the most overdressed if this was a _typical_ party. Wearing a golden Hawaiin dress shirt with a jean jacket that is a faded type of red, having the sleeves of the jacket as checked patterns, and topping off the look with black tight leather jeans.

Swan, on the other side of the look, seems toned down from his friend next to him.

Wearing a simple red hoodie that states _‘sorry’_ on the front, and a pair of pants that looks impossible to get into. Not that they look _tight,_ but it has so many laces, Joseph wants to ask the guy how long it took to put them on. The pants are leather, having a dark grey-blue color to them. They are laced up the sides, going all the way up to his hips and all the way down to his shoes.

Skov wears a pair of plaid pants that are so _fucking_ yellow that it burns Joseph’s eye sockets. The pants have too many zippers and strings that hang off his hips. It’s styled it with a black t-shirt that has ‘ _helter skelter_ ’ written in a dark, red font.

And finally, there is Proko.

Who, out of the three boys, is the least dressed up.

He rocks off a matching jumpsuit top and bottom, with the jacket zipped to the top underneath his chin, and everything in all black except for the orange stripes that cover half of one side leg and one half of the jacket side.

“Then I guess it’s gonna be you, Proko,” Jiang says, unlocking his Supra, opening the door to slide up his seat to make room for the others.

“Can’t say I’m bummed out on that,” Proko says, climbing into the back of the Supra with Skov right behind him.

“ _Move your fat ass faster, Proko,_ ” Skov says.

“At least I got an _ass_ to talk of,” Proko says before he disappears into the car.

Joseph stands beside the Supra, trying to make up his mind if he should take his car or go along with the boys in the back seats. He doesn’t know if he wants to drink because if he drinks then he will have to be dropped back off at his home without his _lovely_ Evo.

But what is a party without _Joseph Kavinsky?_

 _I’ll just have to go easy on the liquor_. Joseph thinks.

“I’m going to take my car. I’ll follow behind,” Joseph tells Jiang.

“What? Don’t want any of that _sweet_ backseat action?” Jiang says, eyeing the two boys in his car. “But yeah, do what you wanna do. I’ll be your tour guide for this night of _magic_ and _wonder_ ,” Jiang says, turning back towards him.

Joseph gives him a nod before heading back to his Evo.

“ _Magic and wonder, huh?_ ” Joseph mutters thoughtfully, sitting himself down into the cool, smooth leather seat of his Evo.

He thinks back to the card reading with Adam, Dick and Lynch.

 _Or_ even before the reading that had happened that night.

The way Adam looks underneath the soft light of the auto body shop, the way he _glows_ with the artificial luster of a boy with too many hours under his belt. _The magic_ . The way Adam’s bruises start to fade into his normal color pigment but still leave lavender watercolor stains in his being. _The wonder_.

Adam is beautiful.

 _Beautiful_ . _Beautiful_ . _Beautiful._

But Joseph’s mind leaps too far back into the past, to the other time of night where Joseph met with Adam Parrish in a strange glow.

The night of the murder of his _father_.

Joseph hadn’t tried to think about his father often since what happened in that open field.

Joseph thought he was over it. Over the look of his father’s pale face laying still and dead on the ground, blood slipping from his forehead just like curdled milk, if the milk was dark red. Over the sound of his father’s heavy body hitting the hard dirt behind him. Over the abandoned, lifeless eyes that stared directly back at Joseph.

The acrid and sour woody smell that engulfed Joseph’s nose as he breathed in and out after the faithful gunshot that ended his father.

Joseph _thought_ he was over it.

Yet as Joseph stares back at himself through the rearview mirror, he sees the tiny pits of his eyes, the rise and fall of ever rapid breaths he takes in, the beads of cold sweat gathering on his skin. Joseph can just _feel_ himself shake from the memories that cling back to him with enough force to break his spin in half and shatter his ribcage into pieces.

But Joseph doesn’t have fucking time for _‘this’_ type of shit. He doesn’t have a choice to have a some kind of _moment_ right _now_.

 _Because Joseph Kavinsky_ has a party to go to.

And _Joseph Kavinsky_ never disappoints a crowd.

Reaching over to his glove box, Joseph unlatches it. Feeling around under the many papers and envelopes, he finally grabs what he needs. Shutting the glove box, he pulls himself back into his warming seat. Gazing down at the small dimebag in his palm, Joseph opens it up.

He doesn’t have time to put out a line; he doesn’t even have the nice steadiness of his hands to do it anyway. But he is desperate to do this _fast_ , trying his best to put some of the white substance on one of his fingertips.

He brings it up to his nose, holding his fingertip to his nostril. He snorts. _Hard_. Feeling the harsh rug burn sting as the cocaine travels up his left nostril.

Joseph has no time to spare as he sees Jiang’s Supra move towards the main road. He quickly closes the dimebag and puts it in his front pocket in case he needs more for later.

Shoving the car keys in, he starts up his Evo and steps on the gas.

 _Tonight sure is going to be fucking magical Jiang._ Joseph thinks.

_Because I’m going to make it that way._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow hey guy's ! So the party is coming soon ┗( ●-﹏ ｀｡)づ I know this chapter isn't super exciting but like I have to have the calm before the storm right? 
> 
> Also to anyone wondering on what the hell all the boys (except Joseph lol) are wearing. Their all wearing outfits from my all time fav store called 'DollsKill'. 
> 
> Well I hope y'all like this chapter even though it's pretty darn slow. Y'all have a wonderful day whenever you see this chapter! You guys are awesome!


	21. A calling from the future

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm from the future,  
> That's the last thing they'll hear me say,  
> As I begin to uncontrollably shake."
> 
> "So please allow me to shed some darkness,  
> Step into a summer time zone, oh,  
> I don't care if you people like me.  
> It won't make a difference if you don't."
> 
> ~Tighten up by The Front Bottoms

**** Joseph can tell that the party is nearby by the subtle booming of music echoing off of the vast night sky. He hears the beats linger in his car through the pulled down windows.

As Jiang drives in front of Joseph, Joseph has to make sure that he doesn’t get  _ too _ carried away with his foot resting on the gas pedal.

But the  _ compulsion _ to push his foot  _ harder _ and  _ harder _ into the floorboard of his Evo is becoming extremely tempting. The way it feels under his foot, the vibration of the whole vehicle surging, invites Joseph to break every limit. He feels the blazing winds of Virginia as he passes everyone in the grimy dust of the road.

_ Fuck I could get hard right now.  _ Joseph thinks to himself, pressing a little more into the gas. Gaining speed and getting closer to Jiang’s back bumper, Joseph can see the dark silhouettes of Proko and Skov in the Supra in front of him.

Jiang must see how close he is getting because Joseph sees Jiang’s hand poking out of the driver's window, signaling him to move to the other lane next to them — the lane meant for cars to drive in the opposite direction.

But should that stop Joseph?

_ Fuck no. _

Turning the steering wheel to the left, Joseph smooths the Evo out into the other lane, quickly eyeing back and forth to the hand that sticks out of the Supra and the dark road ahead of him.

Jiang seems to be trying to talk to Joseph over the roar of the two cars side by side, but it’s not getting anywhere. Jiang pulls his arm back into the car and then…

And then Jiang starts to drive  _ faster _ .

“That’s what I  _ fucking _ like!” Joseph yells, tightening his moist grip on the steering wheel.

As Jiang speeds faster, he still isn’t going nearly fast enough to pull in front of Joseph’s Evo, falling behind quickly as Joseph zooms ahead of him.

Joseph eyes the Supra growing smaller and dimmer in his rearview mirror, feeling his heart soar like a thunderstorm cracking lighting through the sky.

Joseph Kavinsky is untouchable at this moment. His Evo nearly seems to hover over the black asphalt underneath him. The world melts away, and tunnel vision devours his line of sight.

Joseph hears the howling of the car engine as he passes 100 on the speedometer.

_ He feels free. _

He’s something more than just ‘ _ Joseph Kavinsky _ .’  

He’s more than his mother’s  _ helper _ . He’s more than his dead father’s failure of a son. He’s more than a punk ass kid that has no friends. He’s more than what the world always painted him to be.

“ _ Tell me that you fucking love me! _ ” Joseph screams in ungodly frustration, to the void of his mind and to the world he never wanted to be part of.

Suddenly the tunnel vision falls away.

Bright headlights come right in front of him. A horn presses with a deadly threat of no return for Joseph if he doesn’t move.

Joseph has no time to slow down. Jerking the steering wheel to the right as he hopes that not wearing his seatbelt won’t haunt him in the next few moments. All he can do is hold on as the car moves without his control.

The Evo turns in Joseph’s favor, running off the two-lane road and into grassy fields, losing speed while Joseph clings to the wheel, trying to keep it steady without flipping the car.

Joseph feels every single bump as his car shakes and rattles through the dirt.

Finally, the car is at a speed that Joseph can hit the break. Without thinking, that’s exactly what he does. Halting to a terrible stop, the momentum throws Joseph forward just a bit too close to the windshield for his comfort. Falling back into his seat, Joseph stares into the field in front of him, lit up by his headlights.

Joseph can’t seem to bring himself to make a single sound.

All he can do is  _ stare _ .

The yells and calls of Joseph’s name don’t register until his driver’s door is being opened by Jiang and the others.

“ _ Holy fuck _ , are you stupid?” Jiang asks Joseph. “Why the hell didn’t you move out of the way of that 18-wheeler?” He asks, completely stupefied by Joseph’s actions.

“It was an 18-wheeler?” Joseph can only ask. All he saw were lights. Bright, bright fucking lights.

“ _Was it an 18-wheeler?”_ Jiang mocks him. “Yeah, dude, it was, and it was going to kill you if you didn’t take that damn turn at the last fuckin second,” Jiang says, rubbing a hand on his forehead.

Joseph feels the euphoria of his high gradually come down, draining him of any pleasures he had in the past thirty minutes.

“What were you scared for me?” Joseph asks jokingly, removing his sight from the field to where Jiang stands in the doorway.

“I was more concerned about having to explain to the cops that my friend was so into racing that he  _ somehow _ didn’t see a goddamn 18-wheeler coming at him,” Jiang says. “Oh, and also I doubt the cops would take kindly to someone who wasn’t white and a Republican here. So that’s another one.”

Joseph can’t help but laugh at that one. It’s true, the cops here aren’t the best to anyone who they deem as not  _ ‘American enough.’ _

_ It’s fucking ridiculous how people are around here. _

“Unless you got enough money, to make them see it,” Joseph says, grinning.

“You got that right.” Jiang laughs, probably meaning the guy can’t be too angry.

“Alright, come on, the party has already started, and we’ve had one near-death experience so far. Still up for more?” Jiang asks, cocking an eyebrow at him.

“You fucking know it,” Joseph says.

 

* * *

“Ronan,  _ are you okay? _ ” Adam asks as he steps over to the huge oak tree. Adam can’t even begin to understand where they are, and his eyes glaze over the strange forestry area they find themselves in. Ronan stands close to the dark oak tree, staring at it with a confused expression.  

Looking more closely at the tree, it has a rotted-out hole in the middle. _ Big enough to fit a person in,  _ Adam thinks, extending out a hand to touch the massive tree, feeling the cold, rough bark underneath his fingertips.

Something in Adam senses a compelling feeling to go inside the rotted hole. It feels like it’s calling out for  _ him _ , seeking for his body. He walks slowly towards the inner part of the tree, some type of black fungus littering the inner sides of the hole.

Standing inside the tree, Adam turns around to look out forward. Nothing weird seems to happen. Just the moist, damp smell of an old tree rotting from the inside out.

_ Prope... _

_ Prope vestra oculi…. _

Adam knows enough Latin to understand what the weary echoes said. Adam almost thinks it was Ronan saying the words, but he is still standing next to the oak tree, lips sealed tight in a thin line.

_ Close your eyes. _ Adam repeats in his thoughts.

Closing his eyelids, Adam suddenly feels a terrible hollowness in his chest. The worst pain he had ever felt, he doesn’t even know where to begin on how much it hurts, though it was nothing compared to his father’s beatings. Opening his eyes immediately, Adam sees himself looking at his body but hovering above his body at the same time.

_ What the hell is happening? _

Looking down at his throbbing chest, the horrors of blood and exposed flesh cakes Adam’s upper torso, falling to his knees, Adam stares up to see a man he never meant before. Having a face that seems all too familiar to someone Adam can’t pinpoint at the moment.

Adam feels all his strength leave him; not even his knees can hold up his body anymore. He falls over in the dirt, cradling his bleeding chest. As blood slips rapidly out of him, Adam hears a muffled scream coming from somewhere. Adam sees Ronan running towards him.

Adam wants to yell at Ronan to run the other  _ damn _ direction, but his voice won’t come out, not even a cry will pass his lips. The unknown man standing in front of Adam turns to Ronan, lifting his gun in the air. He aims.

The shot goes off faster than Adam can blink. Time is unreal at the moment, as the shot goes right between Ronan’s beautiful clear, blue eyes. The boy who was his friend falls forward. Ronan’s legs give way, as his body falls to the grimy ground below.

Adam wants to  _ scream _ .

He wants to yell for help.

He wants to  _ sob _ .

His mouth opens, but nothing comes out. It’s so unfair to not be able to cry when he hurts so much and when he is in so much pain.

The unknown man circles back to where Adam lays. Walking slowly, as if he hasn’t a care in the world. As if he hasn’t just killed someone. The man crouches down to look closer at Adam.

_ Sed non vos tantum quod eodem?  _ The voices echo in his ear.

“It didn’t have to go this way Adam Parrish. It could’ve been so much easier, so much  _ cleaner, _ ” the man says.

_ How does he know my name? _ Adam thinks.

“It doesn’t matter anymore.” The man shrugs off. “I have at least one of the things I came here to get.” The man says, casually, wiping off the sweat from his forehead.

“It’s damn hot here. Don’t know how any of you actually enjoy living here, but beggars can’t be choosers, right?” Noticing it now, the man has an accent that Adam thinks sounds familiar.

The man stands back up. Moving the gun to Adam now but this time aiming for his head.

“You can thank Joseph for this.”

_ What? _

Before the shot can go off, Adam finds himself back in the rotting oak tree. Or more out of the oak tree.

Ronan’s hand clutches tightly onto Adam’s forearm.

“Why are you grabbing me?” Adam forces out, his throat feeling taut with every word that makes it out of his mouth, but Ronan just stares at Adam, as if he just asked the most unreasonable question.

“Do you realize what you were doing in there?” Ronan asks him. Adam looks past Ronan to see that Gansey and Blue have moved close, both having worried faces on them.

“ _ No?” _ Adam says, painfully honest. He can’t trust himself to state that he knew anything other than the dream he had in the tree.

“You were screaming as if you saw someone die,” Gansey says. “You didn’t stop until Ronan pulled you out of the tree.”

“I-I thought I couldn’t say anything,” Adam says quietly, more to himself than to the rest of them. All three of them look at each other, confused on what had happened to him and what had gone down in the semi-normal oak tree.

“What did you see?” Blue asks carefully, probably not to push Adam too far to answer anything.

Adam doesn’t know how to say what he saw. To even begin to describe what he saw. It is so much to take in, in so little time. It is like a terrible fever takes over him.

Feeling so dream-like, but it  _ feels _ too real to be a dream.

Looking to Blue, Adam answers.

“I saw a nightmare.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys ヽ(´Д｀ヽ I hope you guys like this chapter! I do have to say we are going to see a little more of Joseph's POV and the dream pack. So just a heads up on that part.
> 
> Anyway this chapter was a bit tough to write. Not just because I couldn't write it all welly. But that I'm a person who's never had an drug problem. Many people I've meant in my life had drugs problems. Some of those people fought off the addictions, some have died and some never recovered.
> 
> It's a little ironic because during this chapter my ex-boyfriend sent me a message. I was 16 when we broke up so it's been a while. He was someone very close to me that had a alcohol and drug problem. During the nice conversation we were having, he confessed to me that he felt that when he knew he first had a problem. That he could only tell me and if it wasn't me. Then he wouldn't of told anyone else.
> 
> That made me happy that he could tell me but it also made me sad.
> 
> Why I'm saying this, is because people with addictions need help. Yes, it can be hard to try and help someone with an addiction but it doesn't mean to just leave them. There can be very big reasons why people use drugs and sometimes there aren't deep seeded reasons too.
> 
> Remember to be patient with people. Because you never know what their going through. 
> 
> Anyway I hope you y'all like this chapter! Have a great day guys!ヾ(´▽｀;)ゝ and thank you guys for all the hitts !


	22. Have you ever been scared?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You can not protect,  
> That which you cannot control.  
> I lit a candle for you,  
> But somebody blew it out."
> 
> "He comes to me in my dreams,  
> And tells me that he's alright.  
> That he's just been hiding out,  
> Somewhere there is no light."
> 
> ~ Magnets Pt. 2 by Slothrust

**** Both Gansey and Blue go into the strange oak tree, but nothing occurs to them to the extent that happened to Adam.

But that doesn’t mean that they come out looking all well.  They don’t say a single word about anything that they could’ve possibly seen, and somehow, in a strange way, that makes Adam feel better.

Knowing that he wasn’t the only one to see something horrifying.

The only one who hasn’t gone into the huge oak tree was Ronan, but nobody dares to ask if he wants to go into that awful tree.

Yet somehow, Ronan appears to be the most uncomfortable around it.

Thinking again, Adam thinks that Ronan is uneasy in the whole Greenwood area. He was going to ask Ronan how he was doing, but Adam remembers that they don’t have the time to be standing around. Helen warned them that they had ‘two seconds’ to explore the caverned place.

It is clearly past two seconds.

“We should head back,” Adam says, walking towards what he thinks is the way they came from. Everyone seems to agree with him, nodding their heads and following suit.

As they make it closer to the end of the cave, to the outside world again, Adam lingers alongside Ronan, walking side-by-side with his normally evocative friend. But Ronan hasn’t been acting like his typical self. No blunt comments, no crude words, no unending sarcasm.

Just nothing but staying silent for almost the entire time.

That isn’t Ronan.

Could it be because of me? Is that why he’s acting this way? Adam thinks as he walks.

But wasn’t Ronan acting distant even before the oak tree?

Adam had paid attention to Ronan before going inside the oak tree. As everyone entered the forest, Ronan looked torn between puzzled confusion, paranoia and suspicion of the things around him.

But of course, everyone was wondering what was going on with this woodland place. Nothing quite made sense: the whispers that spoke to them in Latin, the baffling way that somehow there were actual fish in the cave, and time seeming to stop by Adam’s wrist watch.  

Nothing made sense.

And that worries Adam.

Adam uses logic to understand things: how things tick, how things move from one place to other, and how things work together to help one another.

Logic is what Adam always had to fall back on, but now he is free-falling into something he can’t use logic against.

But that doesn’t mean he can find out what was going on with Ronan.

“Hey,” Adam says, keeping his head forward to seem casual.

“‘Hey,’” Ronan says back, mocking Adam’s tone.

But Adam doesn’t mind the mocking.

It feels like Ronan acting more like himself.

And Adam liked Ronan being Ronan.

“I wanted to say sorry for -”

“If you're trying to apologize for the screaming shit, then don’t,” Ronan says calmly.

“If you can’t even begin to remember doing it, when you didn’t mean to scare any of us, then it’s not your fault,” he finishes.

Scare?

“Did I scare you?” Adam says, turning his head slightly to look at Ronan now.

That was the one thing he hadn’t thought about. Adam didn’t think he could scare Ronan.

Ronan, the person who just stood around places, and that scared people, Ronan is the hardened metal pipe that didn’t bend or break when run over with a car. Ronan is a person that Adam wouldn’t think in a hundred years could get scared by someone like him.

When asked the question, Ronan laughs in a cutting way, squeezing the air out of Adam’s lungs.

It makes Adam blush with shame.

Adam doesn’t want to push with the questions anymore.

As all four of them make it out of the cave, the sun is already setting in the distance, and the cold November air creeps onto their skin. Adam wishes he had brought a real jacket instead of wearing a long sleeve shirt and an old, beat-up jean vest.  

Making their way to Helen’s helicopter, Adam lets Gansey and Blue go in front of him. He already feels the waves move in his stomach that brings the dreadful queasiness that comes with flying.

A steady hand is placed on the middle of his back, and Adam knows it is Ronan’s strong hand touching him, and that makes him feel ten times more relaxed knowing it is.

Looking back towards the other boy, Adam sees a face filled with too many words and unasked questions.

“I was…” Ronan says, staring deeply into Adam’s eyes, searching for something that was already there.

“I was so scared,” Ronan repeats, pushing his hand into Adam’s back, feeling each fingertip pressing delicately on him.

Adam wants to ask more. He wants to know so much more, but it is good enough that Ronan said those word alone. They were simple words, but they were hard to understand.

Just like Ronan Lynch himself.

Adam feels the hand move away from his back, as Ronan climbs into the helicopter ahead on him. The taller boy turns to him, stretching out a hand for Adam to grab hold of.

Without hesitation.

Adam grabs hold of the powerful hand, the warmth from the rough palm, the slight tightness Ronan uses to help pull Adam up into the helicopter, and the welcoming feeling that comes with it.  

And for some odd reason.

Adam just doesn’t want to let go.

 

* * *

__

_ “I can’t fucking believe it.”  _ Ronan quietly says to himself, staring up at the towering oak tree.

Ronan was already on edge since entering this so-called ‘cave.’ Everything was too familiar, too routine, on how the beings worked here; it is too similar to the things Ronan dreamt of.

And that makes him very uneasy to see the dots connect in that way.

Especially the tree that loomsed over him, the man-sized, rotted-out hole that eerily invited anyone to crawl into its caverned side.

It still haunts Ronan’s dreams to this day.

The terrors that replay in his dreams whenever he is pushed into the same exact uncanny tree.

Ronan takes a deep breath.

And tries not to remember how detailed Adam was in his dream.

 

* * *

__

_ Opening up his eyes, Ronan found himself in front of a mansion. A party was obviously going on, because kids his age were holding cheap red cups as loud, distasteful music was blasting throughout the walls of the home. _

_ Ronan also noticed that he knew this mansion. _

_ He knew only one person living in Henrietta who had a place like this. _

_ And that was Joseph Kavinsky. _

_ Ronan didn’t know why he was here, of all places, in his dreams, but he might as well look around, right? _

_ Upon opening the front door, an appalling heat engulfed him. It was probably due to all drunken bodies that were smashed up together on one another. One would think that in such a huge place you could find some space in the masses of people, but Ronan was pushed left and right from the dancing teens. _

_ No one was apologizing for tossing Ronan around, but let’s face it: even if someone tried to say anything, he couldn't possible hear shit over the music. _

_ Shoving himself through the dense crowd, Ronan found himself in front of the staircase that led to somewhere he didn’t know of. _

_ Might as well. Ronan thought, beginning to go up the stairs. Reaching the top, Ronan saw two hallways. _

_ One leading to the right. _

_ And one leading to the left. _

_ Ronan kinda wished he had a coin to flip to choose a way for him, but unfortunately, he had none in his pockets. _

_ When he was about to do some ‘eeny, meeny, miny, moe,’ he heard a heavy thud coming from the left side of the hallway. Ronan thinks that it most likely is another drunk teen falling over themselves. _

_ Ronan could get that. He’s had plenty of times like that occur to him in the past and probably were going to happen in the future as well. _

_ But he wasn’t one to walk away if someone was very intoxicated and could be hurt. _

_ Heading towards the sound he heard, Ronan found himself looking down at four sets of doors. Two doors on each side of the dimly lit hallway. _

_ Ronan could open all four sets of doors, but luckily for him, one door had a blue light coming out from underneath it. Stepping in front of the door, Ronan twisted the cold metal door handle in his hand. _

_ Upon opening the door, something solid was blocking the door halfway, not letting Ronan push the door any more than it already was. _

_ “Hey, anyone in here?” Ronan asked, poking his head out from the crack. Ronan didn’t see much in the room because parts of the wall blocked much of his view. _

_ As he searched for whatever was holding the door, Ronan’s eyes finally adjusted to the ghostly blue light, and now he could see a set of limbs and a head of wavy hair. _

_ “Shit,” Ronan said under his breath, moving through the crack and entering the room. He crouches down to the person laying on the floor. _

_ “Hey, hey, are you alright? Can you speak?” Ronan said, carefully moving the person from laying face down to sit them upright. _

_ But reality came into Ronan’s eyes as Adam’s face is lit up by the haunting light. Ronan’s heart was suddenly beating out of control as he saw Adam’s eyes closed and nose dripping with black blood.   _

_ “Fuck, fuck, fuck! Adam? Adam can you hear me?” Ronan asked, holding Adam’s face in his hands, taking one of his hands to open up Adam’s closed eyelids. Adam’s pupils are so far back into his head that Ronan could barely see another color but white. _

_ Adam’s whole body trembled in Ronan’s arms. _

_ “He’s having a fucking seizure. He’s having a goddamn seizure!” Ronan said aloud. Pulling his hand back, Ronan checked his pockets for his cell phone. _

_ But of course, Ronan didn’t have it. _

_ “Fuck!” Ronan yelled in frustration; he didn’t know what to do. Ronan’s never had to deal with anything like this before. What was he supposed to do? Was he suppose to let it just happen? _

_ “Dude, calm the fuck down. You're so loud,” a voice calls from deeper into the room. _

_ Whipping his head up to where the voice came from, Ronan came face to face with none other than Joseph Kavinsky. _

_ Ronan didn’t have time to fuck with him. Adam needed medical help now. _

_ “Give me your phone!” Ronan yelled at Joseph, reaching out a hand to the other boy. _

_ “Why should I give you my phone? Gunna finally give me your number?” Joseph said slowly, leaning against a wall with his arms crossed. “Well, I don’t need it, Lynch. Me and Adam were having a good time before you showed up and fucking ruined it.” _

_ Ronan was so goddamn confused. _

_ Why would Adam even think to come to one of Kavinsky’s parties? He knew how bad they were, Adam was the smart one between the four of them. _

_ “Why the fuck are you being like this right now? Give me your phone Kavinsky! Adam needs a fucking ambulance.” _

_ “He doesn’t need shit. He’s having an absolutely amazing time. You just need to calm down. Relax a little.” _

_ Ronan couldn’t relax because he could feel the very faint heartbeat in Adam’s neck. The way it was slowing down so fast was scaring Ronan so much. He didn’t know what to do, Ronan didn’t want to leave Adam here with Kavinsky, but Ronan knew he didn’t have the upper body strength to lift Adam all the way down the staircase. _

_ “You need to give me your phone Kavinsky! You're going to kill him if we don’t get him any help,” Ronan begged the other boy. _

_ “‘We’? I’m pretty sure you're the one that drove him to come here in the first place. He’s a big boy Lynch, but maybe you wouldn’t know that because you’ve been so busy chasing fairytales with Dick, oh but have you forgotten that?” Kavinsky said with a smirk. _

_ “Adam came to me when you left him in that shit house with Robert.You left Adam and didn’t even dare look back.” Kavinsky spat at him. _

_ “So if Adam dies right now. Then it’s all your fault. You didn’t save him. I’m the one who saved him.” _

_ “And that’s reality, baby.” _

_ Ronan couldn’t breathe. _

_ He was gasping for air, but all he got was nothing in return. _

_ Ronan left Adam behind. He abandoned Adam in that cruel place called home. _

_ This was Ronan’s fault. _

_ Adam was dying in Ronan’s arms because of Ronan himself. _

_ This was Ronan’s fault. _

_ It was all his fucking fault that the most beautiful boy in the world was dying in his arms. And he had no power to control it. _

_ It was all his fault. _

_ “Oh god, what have I done?” Ronan starts to sobbed as he stopped feeling Adam’s small heartbeat through his neck. _

_ Adam was gone. _

_ Adam Parrish was gone from this world. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (੭ु ‾᷄ᗣ‾᷅ )੭ु⁾⁾ Hey y'all I'm back again with a new chapter! Sorry been busy with trying to get out of my apartment more. Went to Boston youth pride labeling which was crazy with how much people where there.
> 
> I hope this chapter is alright. I'm not a doctor on how seizures work but I did some info reading on it. I actually had a grand mal seizure when I was 18 which was pretty fucking scary. I don't remember it at all or the hour after it had happened (my roommate at the time found me and called an am ambulance). 
> 
> ¯\\_( ◉ 3 ◉ )_/¯ Anyway ! Have a wonderful day when you see this. Y'all are amazing.


	23. All he wanted was good whiskey

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Look, I just want to break up all your shit, call your mama phone.  
> Let her know that she raised a bitch, then dial tone, click."
> 
> "And fuck your little fake ass friends,  
> Come around actin' like they my bros."
> 
> ~ Thru your phone by Cardi B

**** Gansey is busy with Helen, trying to talk down her fury for them on being late heading back. Adam, Ronan, and Blue take off their headphones to block out the two siblings bickering at each other.

Adam can’t help but let his eyes sweep over to where Ronan sits. The boy’s eyes are closed, eyebrows slightly pinched in what could be frustration.

Adam feels frustrated, too. His mind is fried and is too wired with everything that went on in the cave-- went on in that damn oak tree.

Adam doesn’t know if Ronan is sleeping or not but he won’t chance Ronan catching him staring, and quickly moves his eyes back to the floor of the helicopter. Adam tries to reimagine the unknown man’s face.

The man is older than Adam, but how much older?

Twenties? Early thirties? It’s hard to tell.

He also has a slim build but looked bulky enough to be able to hold himself fine in a fight. His blonde fine hair is smoothed back, and he has very unnatural, blue eyes. His cheekbones gives him a deep-set hollow look without looking ill, Adam thinks, drawing out the man’s face and stature in his mind again.

But nothing comes up in his memory of anyone even slightly looking like that. The only thing that really seems familiar is the heavy set eyelids that man has. And that was all.

‘You can thank Joseph for this.’ Adam repeats the words.

What does Joseph have to do with any of this?

What connects him to that man in the vision?

 

* * *

As the helicopter leaves the Monmouth parking lot, Ronan is ready to go off and do a little ‘one on one’ talking with Kavinsky. Ronan knows there will be a party going on at Tommy Acres house tonight, so it’s logically to think that the boy will be there.

Ronan doesn’t want to fight, but he wants Kavinsky to know that if he ever puts Adam in any type of danger, then Kavinsky will be in danger.

Blue and the other two boys talk about how it is outrageous for time to stop the way it did in the cave. Ronan doesn’t listen in too much as he slowly makes his way to his BMW.

“Hey, where you off to in a hurry?” Gansey asks curiously before Ronan can slip away without a trace.

“I have to go talk to someone,” Ronan mutters. He doesn’t lie to Gansey, but he knows that Gansey wouldn’t like it very much if he knew Ronan is going to a party that most differently will have alcohol and drugs.

Ronan notices Adam staring at him with a sharp gaze.

He must know about the party then, Ronan thinks, hoping that Adam won’t say a word to Gansey about it.

“Did Declan call you again? Did he say something?” Gansey asks, worry creeping into his features with the same aging effect it always has on his friend.

Ronan remains quiet as the question floats in the air for him to grab at, but he’s not going to answer it. Gansey probably knows this.

And that devours Ronan’s mind.

Knowing that he’s the devil in this situation, and Gansey is being the kind person lending out their tender hand.

Ronan could tell Gansey the whole truth.

Tell his friend how he saw a man covered in the blood of his father simply walk away in the light of day. Ronan could tell Gansey about the terrible nightmares he has and how they leave him with more than just cold sweats. Tell Gansey about how he hates himself for not being able to do anything, how he keeps on falling and nothing is in his control anymore.

How he can’t begin to voice his words right without them feeling completely wrong. A jumbled mess of letters slip off his lips like water clogging up his dry throat.

Yeah, Ronan could tell Gansey the truth.

But there are better times for the truth.

And right now isn’t one of them.

“I gotta go. I’ll be back.” Ronan says, holding his tongue in order to get this moment over with. Ronan doesn’t trust his mouth right now, after telling Adam how scared he is. That’s one thing, but doing it again in one day?

It would be too great for Ronan; it would break his dam that’s been holding everything in tightly for the past years and a half.

Ronan would be too vulnerable.

He dreads to think about himself being vulnerable in any which way.

It makes his skin itch and his head heavy with fear.

Walking to his BMW and opening the door, Ronan throws on some thunderous music, trying and drown out the doubtful thoughts that sit next to him in the passenger seat.

“I won’t fuck anything up,” Ronan whispers to himself.

“I’ll make sure that vision never ever happens to you,” Ronan says, scanning over Adam from his blacked out, tinted windows. “Even if it kills me.”

 

* * *

Adam watches Ronan drive away, and neither he or Gansey try and stop Ronan from leaving them and Blue by themselves.

“Is he always like that?” Blue says, asking both boys.

Adam and Gansey give each other looks, both knowing that ‘yes’ Ronan is like this a lot of the time but also that only Adam knows the ‘newer’ Ronan.

Only Gansey knows of the Ronan from before his father’s untimely death.

“He’s just been through a lot in these past months…” Adam says, looking in the direction of where the BMW used to be.

“Mhmm, doesn’t give him the right to up and leave you guys like that,” Blue says, crossing her arms casually. “If he had something to do, why be so mysterious about it?”

Adam wants to tell Blue that she hasn’t known him long enough to fully understand how Ronan Lynch works. But once again, Adam didn’t know Ronan very long. He has no right to say such things, so he keeps his mouth shut.

Yet deep down, Adam wants to agree with Blue as well.

Of course, in his own selfish way, he doesn’t want Ronan to leave now. He would like for Ronan to talk about things more, but Adam is no better than Ronan in the end.

But who am I to try and actually stop him? Adam thinks.

After the vision in the oak tree, Adam just wants to keep Ronan in his sights. Yet while all three teenagers stand in the Monmouth parking lot, Ronan is gone far away now.

Blue is the one to finally break the awkward silence between all of them.

“I probably have to go back,” She says, looking up to the night sky, seeing how it was less purple and more of a dense navy blue with tiny pinprick stars coming into view.

“Oh! Would you like a ride back?” Gansey asks. “It’ll be no trouble really; I’ll be dropping off Adam as well very soon,” He says, eyeing Adam to make sure he isn’t stepping out of bounds by giving away too much information to someone fairly new.

Adam secretly thanks Gansey for being considerate, but it hurts that Gansey feels he needs to be so careful around him.

“Thanks, I appreciate that,” Blue says as all of them start heading over to The Pig.

But as they walk over to Gansey’s beautiful car, Adam has a sudden realization.

_ Doesn’t Joseph have some heavyset eyes? _

 

* * *

“I can’t believe they don’t have any whiskey here. What kind of party doesn’t have whiskey?” Skov complaints as he carries a whole bottle of vodka in hand.

“A Tommy Acres party wouldn’t.” Joseph laughs, taking a sip from of his cheap plastic cup.  

“You have a bottle of vodka, isn’t that enough?” Jiang asks, walking up to the kitchen table that the two other boys stand next to.

“Obviously no, it’s not enough because I can still see your mug fuckin face,” Skov smirks, screwing off the bottle’s lid and taking a swing while keeping eye connect with Jiang.

“Didn’t say I was ugly? So I’ll take that as a compliment,” Jiang says, moving over to the other liquor bottles and finally ending on a box of red wine.

While Joseph thinks about someone who would even bring a box of wine to a party like this, he feels a tap on the shoulder. Turning around, he sees it was Tommy Acres himself.

“So finally wanted to be around your own people?” Acres smiles. “I knew you never hang with grim-like Parrish for long. Glad you made it,” he says, patting Joseph on the shoulder.

“What?” Joseph laughs again, his high fucking with every part of his body, but maybe he heard Acres wrong?

“I’m saying that I’m glad you ditched the guy. It wasn’t doing well with your image at school. It was making you look like you were carrying a refugee around. Oh, no offense to you guys,” Acres says, looking at Jiang and Skov.

Jiang looks unfazed by the comment thrown at him, but Skov?

Skov looks pissed.

“‘Oh, no offense?’” Skov mocks harshly back at Acres.

“Aww shit, I might as well get this on my phone,” Jiang says, putting down his plastic cup to whip out his cell phone.

“Uhh yeah, dude, no offense. I know you guys are from the foreign exchange program thing at Aglionby Academy, so I didn’t want you guys thinking I was talking about-”

“Shut your damn mouth for a quick second,” Skov says, getting closer and closer to Acres. Acres isn’t tall, but nobody at Aglionby is as short as Skov.

But even as short as Skov is, he has the bluntness to make up for it.

“I might not have any idea who the hell you're talking about but first,” Skov says, holding up one finger. “What fucking gives you the right to think of someone lower than you like that?  What has this guy ever done to you? Huh?”

“Well, he’s -”

“Well, shut the fuck up, I didn’t say you could speak yet, but I’m just going to finish that sentence for you, too, because I’m that nice,” Skov says, shoving a hand close to Acres' face. “I bet my fucking left nut that this ‘guy’ never did shit to your pale white ass, and that’s saying a lot because my ass is pretty white.”

“And two,” Skov lifts up a second finger in Acres' face, “why in your little dipshit mind do you think that saying something like that isn’t offensive? Now you can answer.”

Acres looks like a damn tomato in the face, but it’s not from any kind of shame.

“You can get out of my house bitch.” Acres pushes Skov’s hand away from his face roughly. “I don’t give a damn if it’s offensive, actually I didn’t care in the first place if it was. I was just trying to be nice to you guys, but now? You can get the fuck out.” Acres points out of the kitchen, towards the front door.

“Really? Trying to be nice? Yo, yo Jiang, Swan! Prok!” Skov turns back towards Joseph and Jiang. Somehow, Swan and Proko pop out of thin fucking air next to the table of liquor.

Some other partygoers stare at the scene going on between Skov and Acres.

“This guy thinks that he was being super-considerate to us, the foreign exchange program kids, that when he insulted someone by calling them a refugee, he clearly didn’t mean us,” Skov says, dramatically. “How do you guys feel about that?” Skov asks the three other boys.

“Sounds like he’s an asshole,” Jiang says, eyeing Acres with a glare as he drinks more of the box wine while still holding up his cell phone.

Proko looks uncomfortable with the whole situation, not knowing what to say. His hands are stuffed into his jacket pockets.

This guy really is too nice, Joseph thinks.

And Swan looks bored as per usual but Joseph is damn sure he heard Swan whisper ‘fucking racist’ under his breath before taking a sip of his drink.

“You guys need to leave,” Acres says, starting to see that other people are watching him.

Skov lets out a laugh that sounds just like a hyena.

“You know what? Nah, we’re going to keep on partying, but you can go get some fucking whiskey and not some cheap ass watered down vodka,” Skov says, swiftly slamming the bottle he has in his hand to the floor.

“What the fuck!” Acres cries, dogging the scattering glass pieces on the floor.

Then Skov grabs the front of Acres shirt, pulling him down to his level.

“I’m going to let you off the hook this time you little fucker. My boy over there Jiang has done some info reading into your rich daddy and momma. And what would happen if we sent some interesting things to them that you’ve been doing behind their backs? Like, you know, maybe those lovely ladies you purchased not too long ago. You remember that? Maybe your parents would think again about doing anything ‘nice’ for you,” Skov asks, not even trying to be quiet with his voice.

Acres face sure isn’t red anymore.

“Alright, alright,” Acres says. “Stay, but just don’t send them anything. I’ll go get the whiskey, too. Just please don’t send them anything. It’s a nice party, right? I’ll even give you some weed, too. It’s on me,” Acres says, holding up his hands in defense.

Skov lets go of Acres shirt, pushing the other boy back. “It’s not that good of a party, and yeah if you be a good boy then we won’t send shit. So get going.”

“Get going!” Skov yells at the boy, because Acres not moving fast enough for Skov taste.

Acres scrambles, hurrying out of the kitchen.

“Damn, you really scared him,” Joseph says to Skov. “How did you even get that info on him?” He asks.

“I don’t actually have shit on him,” Skov says, grabbing for another drink. “I heard a rumor of him in the hallways but didn’t think it would be true,” Skov says, then turning towards Jiang.

“But now that we know it’s true, can you do some fancy web shit to get that?” Skov asks Jiang.

“Gonna send it to his parents?” Jiang asks, raising a wicked eyebrow.

“Fucking right.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys!!! ᕕ╏ ͡ ▾ ͡ ╏┐ Late with this chapter I know. But I've been super tired lately and with the hot weather is totally getting at me, which makes my sleep worse. I do not do well with anything above 55 degrees (12 in Celsius). 
> 
> Anyway I hope this chapter is alright. Not much from Joseph I know but I also want to show you guys the other characters and how they act (•́⌄•́๑)૭✧ and Skov is a angry dude who will fight anyone if give a chance.
> 
> I hope you guys have a good day whenever you see or read this chapter! ଘ꒰ ๑ ˃̶ ᴗ ᵒ̴̶̷๑꒱و ̑̑


	24. You're as dirty and used up as that washcloth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And I wanna cry  
> I wanna fall in love."
> 
> "But all my tears have been used up."
> 
> ~ Another love by Tom Odell

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter has view of cocaine use

**** After watching Blue try to sneak into her own home without anyone noticing her, Gansey starts to drive Adam home.

But Adam isn’t concerned about going home.  _ Oh no _ , he is far from thinking about that. He’s too busy worrying about Ronan. He knows without a doubt in his mind that Ronan is going to Tommy Acres party, but the only thing that makes his mind start running with fear is the small connections between Joseph and the unknown man in his vision. Thinking back, the man said ‘  _ you can thank Joseph for this.’ _

_ But what is the real connection Joseph has with him? _ Adam wonders.

Adam will need to be upfront with Joseph whenever he sees him next, and that could be very soon.

“ _ Gansey _ ,” Adam says abruptly.

“Mhmm?”

“I think we need to go find Ronan,” Adam says, fiddling nervously with his seatbelt, looking ahead to the road.

“Does this have anything to do with that oak tree?” Gansey asks, hitting the mark right on the head.

“ _ Was it that bad? _ ” Adam questions, referring to the screaming he had done, but he still can’t for the life of him remember doing it.

“I can’t say it was  _ bad _ because nothing ‘extremely’ bad had happened to you physically. It must have been horrifying seeing whatever it was, but that doesn’t mean it’s going to happen in real life. We don’t fully know about the caved area; all we can do is find out more about it,” Gansey says, turning The Pig in a different direction, away from Adam’s home.

“Did you see anything?”

“I saw Glendower.”

_ That’s a damn shock _ , Adam thinks.

Adam would think that Gansey would want to find Glendower as soon as possible, no matter what happened. They are doing all of this just to find the Welsh prince in the first place.

“And what’s wrong with that?” Adam asks, wondering what was missing in Gansey’s vision that can be so bad that he doesn’t want it to be real.

“When upon finding him, I never felt such intense joy and excitement. I was walking on crystal clear water with flowers everywhere.” Gansey pauses before continuing.

“But then I turned around to call out to you guys. No one was there behind me. I was alone. Completely and utterly alone with only him. It felt wrong. It felt  _ so wrong _ that I know it must be some kind of mistake. Some kind of  _ flaw _ in that oak tree,” he says, confidently.

Adam is at a loss for words. He always thinks that finding Glendower is Gansey’s whole goal in life. He spends so much time traveling to find this prince but without any of his friends. Gansey doesn’t seem that interested in finding the lost prince, anymore.

Without any of them, it feels like Gansey is saying it was meaningless.

“But I don’t know if it could happen. Just because I saw it, doesn’t mean it’s set in stone already. Things don’t work that way in life.”

Adam can’t help but stare in  _ awe _ as his friend speaks his own truth. Gansey was never one to let things tell him what to do; he writes his own story with the finest of pens that life would dangle in front of him. He wouldn’t let that dishearten him from grabbing at it with all he had.

Adam wishes he was more like Gansey.

Stronger, and more confident in his ideas, decisions, and dreams.

“And that goes for you too Adam,” Gansey says, taking a stop at a red light, turning a tiny bit to look at Adam.

“Things might seem set in stone, but until you throw your own stone back at it, those things will crumble and fall. And I know, you're quite capable of throwing stones, Adam.”

The light turns green.

And they start to make their way to Tommy Acres house.

 

* * *

Things begin to get dull and brittle in Joseph’s mind as he moves through the horde of sweaty teenagers.  He doesn’t have any idea how long he’s been at the party, but his high is wearing off faster than he would like for it to.

The people around him look to be in  _ slow motion _ . Joseph, feeling delayed with his movements, tries to make his way towards some kind of restroom area that doesn’t have some drunk kid puking their guts out or some couple shoving their hormonal love in his face.

Joseph’s body feels ill; not having much to eat is starting to get to him.

Drinking with little to nothing in his system always makes his stomach feel bloated, and the slosh of liquor moving heavily in his stomach doesn’t help at all.  

Seeing a door to his left, Joseph bangs on the wooden frame to check if anybody is beyond it, and if so, let them know he is waiting.

Not hearing any vocal chords to stop him from entering, Joseph opens the door.

Flicking on the lights, Joseph then shuts the door tight behind him, making sure to lock it.

_ Never know when someone you don’t want seeing you do that thing, walks right in on you doing the exact same thing, _ Joseph thinks.

Turning towards the sink, Joseph clears the porcelain back area by wiping most of the tiny soaps and other fancy bathroom things off with a swift action of his hand, knocking everything to the rugged floor below.

Taking out the dime bag he keeps in his jean pocket, he also gets out his wallet. Looking over the sink once again, making sure it is clean of any  _ dirty _ substances. Being satisfied with it, Joseph opens the tiny bag in his hands and steadily scoops some of the white cocaine out on the counter with his pinky finger.

When he feels he’s removed enough, he ties the bag back up and puts it into his pocket for safe keeping.

Taking out one of his older credit cards, Joseph lines up the powder into a straight line, ensuring that he’s got every microscopic grain into that line. Pulling out a hundred dollar bill, Joseph rolls it up and leans down to the counter of the sink, placing one end of the bill into his nostril and the other end to the line of cocaine.

Without a second thought, Joseph snorts all of the white powdery substance into his nose.

The self-gratification that comes with the terrible searing he feels through his nostril is enough to let Joseph whip his head back and stand up. The euphoric high is instant, hitting Joseph in full force before he can blink open his eyes.   

But he then he does, and he sees himself in the bathroom mirror.

Staring back at himself in the full glory of what he really is.

An  _ ugly _ failure of what could once have been called a human being.

His weighted, black, daring eyes haunt back at him, hair messy and greasy with his full day’s of sweat, muted white skin covered in light moisture from his overheated body temperature.

He can’t help but hold his breath.

_ Maybe it’s not real? Maybe it’s not me. If I hold my breath long enough, will it go away? _ Joseph thinks.

Of course, as the seconds tick by, nothing changes in the mirror. Only the feeling of his lungs running out of air is altered.

In the end, he is his own stain in the mirror.

In his  _ own _ life.

It isn’t fair.

“ _ I _ don’t need you, and no one needs  _ you _ ,” Joseph says to the mirror, looking at himself in disgust, but then continues while gently touching the cool glass that reflects his face, “But even if  _ ‘I’ _ can’t make you need  _ you _ ,  _ ‘we’ _ can still try to make others need you, want you.”

“Maybe even  _ love _ you.” He whispers almost silently, as if someone could hear him say those words if he dared speak louder than a murmur.

Joseph looks so tensely into the mirror, that the reflection isn’t him anymore. He can’t place whose face peers at him through the transparent glass.

The being’s features aren’t connecting in his mind.

It moves when he moves, but it isn’t him.

It opens its mouth when speaking but it isn’t him.

It smiles when he smiles, but it isn’t him.

“I am Joseph,” Joseph speaks, watching the being in the mirror move.

“I am N̷̶̢̮̟̙̙͎͈͟ͅo҉̸̧̭̺̣̺̜̬̦̜̘̱̻ͅn̨̺̱̗̳͠ȩ̢̛̦̖̯͕̯̘̖̪̯̖͍͎̼̥͉̲.”

Hearing the being’s voice is alarming, but Joseph isn’t one for hesitation; making his hand into a fist, Joseph swings his hand back and punches the mirror.

But he can still see it smiling back at him.

It’s not enough.

Swinging his hand back, he lets out another punch, crashing into the broken glass.

But it’s still not  _ enough _ .

Joseph repeatedly throws his fist into the mirror, feeling each crunch of glass shards eat away at his numbing knuckles. Panting and sweating more than before, Joseph can only clench his teeth and keep on hitting until he knows the being is gone from this world. Gone from his sight.

Finally finding himself out of breath, Joseph takes a step back to view what he has done. The mirror is in pieces on the rugged floor. The clear shards reflects nothing back at him.

_ Good _ , Joseph thinks, wiping the sweat off his brow with a washcloth that was discarded onto the floor.

Tossing the washcloth away, Joseph doesn’t want to be in the bathroom anymore. Too much has happened in a time span he doesn’t know of, too many things have crossed his mind. Collecting his wallet, Joseph makes his way out of the restroom and into the hallway.

Joseph doesn’t know where Jiang, Swan, Skov and Proko are, but he guesses that Skov is still in the kitchen -- closest to where the liquor is located, that is.

Moving through more messy teenagers that seem to not be able to hold their liquor, Joseph can finally see where the begining of the kitchen is.

But then a strong hand grabs Joseph’s shoulder.

“ _ Acres _ , you have to learn to keep your pits off of me. I know I’m handsome but that-” Joseph says but stops short upon turning around to see that in fact, it is not  _ Tommy Acres  _ holding onto Joseph.

It is Adam Parrish.

The most beautiful boy Joseph has ever seen in a crowd of drunken teenagers at some shit party.

It is  _ fucking _ poetic.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright some of you might think that Joseph talking to 'himself' in the mirror could mean he somehow has a different identity but I want to say that is not the case here (-_-)ゞ゛Joseph as a character has been through quite a bit and plus the drug use he does. It can already give you enough info.
> 
> But did Joseph have a bit of a dissociation from himself in the mirror? Maybe (´ｪ｀*) It can also be called Denationalization disorder (nothing like D.I.D). Also cocaine can cause people to have hallucinations. 
> 
> Anyway I hope this chapter is to your liking y'all. Have a great day whenever you see this o(〃＾▽＾〃)o


	25. I've always liked the lows that make me want to die

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "You cry out in your sleep,  
> All my failings exposed.  
> And there's a taste in my mouth,  
> As desperation takes hold.  
> Just that something so good,  
> Just can't function no more."
> 
> "Then love, love will tear us apart again,  
> Love, love will tear us apart again."
> 
> ~ Love with tear us apart By Joy Divison

“I don’t think I can park anywhere,” Gansey says, looking around the packed area around the loud blaring home. “Should I park on the grass?” He asks Adam.

.“Doesn’t seem like it matters,” Adam says, eyeing the other scattered cars positioned uniquely on the lushly lawn.

Gansey eventually finds a spot to park The Pig, they hop out of the car and into the November night air. 

Adam could feel the chill of a rainstorm coming, he didn’t know when but he knew it was coming.

He felt it in his old broken bones.

Rubbing his aching arm, Adam and Gansey moved forward towards the lit up home. As they got closer, they noticed a large amount of teenagers entering and exiting the house.

“Think we should Scooby Doo this thing?” Gansey asks Adam, raising an eyebrow at him.

“That never worked in the cartoon, how are we even begin to try to do it in real life?” Adam asks back, cocking his head to look at his friend.

“What are you talking about? It always worked for them.” 

“Yeah, it worked out after Scooby and Shaggy got cashed around by some kind of hideous monster. And that being funny because finding out soon after they caught the monster. It was just normal humans in the end.”

“Good thing this is a house full of drunken toddlers and not some adults seeking revenge or something to that extent.” Gansey chuckles, stepping into the jam-packed home. “You want to check this floor and I’ll take a look see upstairs?” Gansey ask. 

“Uh sure,” Adam says, actually hoping that Gansey wasn’t going to leave him alone in this type of situation but Adam knew that they would find Ronan faster this way.

Then both boys went their separate ways.

And like that, Adam quickly lost slight on Gansey’s head, as the other boy disappeared into the massive crowd. 

Really leaving Adam alone now.

Guess no time like the present. Adam thinks as he begins to look for places Ronan might be hiding out in.

Adam never thought much of Ronan as a partier but more as the type of guy who just came for the free drinks than left without meeting anyone's gaze.

So probably the kitchen is my best bet. 

Trying to maneuver his way over to where he thinks the kitchen is. Adam sees a head full of messy dark chestnut hair that looked awfully familiar. Reaching out his hand, Adam clasps his hand on the person’s shoulder.

“Acres, you have to learn to keep your pits off of me. I know I’m handsome but that -” Joseph says but stops short when he sees that it’s Adam instead of Tommy Acres grabbing onto his shoulder.

“Ohh, hey,” Joseph says, a growing smirk spreading over his sharp features. “Didn’t think of seeing you in a place like this but I’m glad that you are.” He says.   

Letting go of Joseph’s shoulder, “I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t have a reason.” Adam says.

“And what would that reason be?” Joseph asks, moving closer into Adam’s personal space “I don’t think that you knowing that I somehow could be here would be the reason for you to make your way to this lovely establishment.” Joseph says, shifting a bit closer to Adam.

An unusual tight grip started to form Adam’s stomach as he could feel Joseph’s eyes on him. He didn’t know if it was because of the many bodies in the same room or the sudden closeness of the other boy, that made Adam’s whole body feel uncomfortably hot.  

“So tell me, what’s the reason, Adam?” Joseph ask again but now Adam could feel Joseph’s breath just barely touch his face. 

Smelling of sweet hard liquor and spiced cinnamon. 

Adam didn’t think that he would like such a smell.

Even as Joseph was close to Adam, Adam couldn’t keep his gaze away from Joseph’s massive eyes. The blackness of the boys' orbs left Adam feeling somewhat unease. He could almost think that Joseph’s eyes were only made up of black and white, no more gemstone eyes that shined. Merely black voids that sucked up everything that they looked upon. 

But as Adam is looking at Joseph’s face, Joseph’s nose starts to bleed.

“Uh, Joseph?”

“Gonna tell me now?”

“No, it’s your nose. It’s bleeding.”

“Don’t change the subject, Parrish. I still haven’t heard your answer yet or why your here.”

“No, I’m not trying to ‘change the subject’. Your nose is seriously bleeding, geez do you need a napkin?”

Thinking that Adam might not actually be trying to distract him, Joseph takes his hand up and taps the end of his nostrils. Pulling his fingers back, Joseph sees the dark blood slowly slipping down his forefinger.

Even has Joseph does that, Adam sees how bloodied and gory the boy’s knuckles are.

What the hell? Adam thinks to himself, quickly staring at the darkening drying blood on top on Joseph’s pale hands.

But Joseph doesn’t seem even slightly fazed by the crimson liquid, only staring board at his own blood as if it was speaking to him in a language he didn’t know. 

“Joseph?” Adam asks but doesn’t get a response from him.

Not even a glace up back to Adam as he spoke, Joseph was too fixated on the blood. Adam didn’t know what to do.

Should I speak louder? Adam thought but realized that it would be of no use because it was still extremely loud in the home. 

Moving his hand gently to touch Joseph’s shoulder, Adam hoped that he wasn’t making the other uncomfortable in the gesture. Touching Joseph’s thin shoulder felt different in a way that Adam didn’t know how to explain correctly. 

It made his stomach feel warm and tight while making his eyes feel heavy and dopey. 

Suddenly taking his mind away from his thoughts, Adam noticed now that Joseph’s shoulder felt unusually hot and humid. Joseph was only wearing a v-neck t-shirt and jeans but could he be hot because of the crowd that they were in?

He was here before me so that could be it, right? 

Putting more pressure into his hold on Joseph’s shoulder, Adam asked him “Are you alright?”

Joseph’s eyes flickered up to Adam’s face, studying his own features. Then instantly, Joseph wiped his bloody nose with his crusty fist, seemingly not caring about the blood that was now smeared on his cheek.

“Is it gone?” Joseph ask.

“My god, come with me,” Adam says, carefully taking Joseph’s hand and walking both of them through the crowd of teens and making their way outside towards The Pig.

“Oh? Where are you taking me?” Joseph asks behind Adam.

“Nowhere,” Adam replies.

Stopping next to The Pig, Adam let go of Joseph’s hand to open up the passenger side door. Looking through the glovebox, he found some tissues.

“Here, for your face,” Adam says, extending his hand out to give Joseph the tissues.

“Oh,” Joseph says surprised, taking the tissues in his hands but not doing anything. 

He really can’t be drunk enough to be out of it like this. Adam thought as he took the tissues out of Joseph’s hands, not waiting for Joseph to keep on staring at them like the tissues were moon rocks.

“Come here,” Adam says, and Joseph does it without much of a complaint. Coming closer to standing in near Adam.   

“Hold on a second,” Adam says, quickly going back into The Pig to find the water bottle he had with him earlier. Grabbing it, he dabbed a little of the water out onto a few of the tissues. 

“I’m going to wipe some of the blood off, okay?” 

“Okay.”

After getting that ‘go ahead’ Adam then leans into Joseph personal space, taking the damp tissues and carefully trying to clean off Joseph’s redding face. Going through more tissues and dabbing more water, Joseph finally speaks up.

“You know I can do this myself.”

“Do you want to do it yourself?”

“No.”

“Then I’ll keep on doing it.”

They fall back into silence as the party behind them raves on. Hearing the beats of softer music vibrate off their eardrums to fill the air around them. 

Unexpectedly, It was a song that Adam knew. 

Unconsciously Adam started to hum along to the song as he wiped Joseph’s face. 

“You know this song?” Joseph asked, his black eyes staring intensely at him hauntingly.

“Yeah, but I’m shocked that they would play it at a party like this. It’s not typically the type you would hear here.”

“When was the first time you heard it?”

Thinking back to his past wasn’t something Adam liked to do often but since Joseph asked somewhat politely and it was just the two of them, Adam would do it.

“I was probably about nine years old when I first heard it.” Adam began speaking, Joseph remains quiet for Adam to continue.

“My mother was playing it on her boombox, at I think ten o’clock at night? It was late. I could hear it through the walls of my room but I think that really made it sound so unreal in a way. It was very memorable.” Adam says in half-truths. 

It was true that his mother was playing it on her boombox but Adam was already awake and not yet in his bedroom when the music played.

It was late that night but that never stopped his father’s rage from taking any breaks. His mother and father were arguing like all the other normal times they did but it was different at that time. 

Because Robert was accusing his mother of unfaithfulness.

Cheating and then giving birth to a bastard son that wasn’t even his, is what Robert was lashing out about.

Robert couldn’t believe that Adam was his child, saying that he looked nothing like himself and that he would never have such a weak crybaby son.

Adam as a child didn’t know what to do in that situation but he was stupid and tried to make it better with simple loving words.  

Robert didn’t take kindly to that.

After putting Adam in his place, Robert then went after his mother. 

Laying on the musty rugged floor of their trailer, Adam watched as his father beat his mother until she stopped making a single sound. Adam didn’t know how long Robert was yelling and cursing at his mother but the man eventually left them there.

His mother later picked herself up and went somewhere he couldn’t see. She came back moments after with a packet of cigarettes and a boombox in her hands.

She sat herself down in one of the wooden chairs at their kitchen table. Lighting up a cigarette, she put in a cassette tape and pressed play. Adam remembered calling out to for her comfort and to help him off the floor but she only turned the volume on the speakers up louder, drowning out his words. 

Then the song ‘Love will tear us apart’ came on.

Adam listened to the whole song as he laid motionless on the floor. Watching his mother tremble and sob quietly as she smoked her cigarettes.

Coming back from his past memories, Adam saw that he cleaned off all the dried blood from Joseph’s face and nose. 

That only leaves his knuckles. Adam thought.

Taking hold of Joseph’s left hand, Adam looked at the grisly wounds. The wounds didn’t simply have the flesh ripped up but it has shards in them, digging underneath the pinking skin.

Adam went back into the glovebox for a third time, thanking quietly to Gansey for having so many things in the small area. Adam stepping back out and re-taking Joseph’s left hand in his. Holding now a pair of silver tweezers in hand.

Trying to be as gentle as possible, Adam takes every single ragged shard from all four of Joseph’s tender knuckles.

Time passes quietly between them as Adam does Joseph’s other hand, taking careful steps like he had done the first time.

Finally pulling his hands away from Joseph’s hands to clean off his own two hands with the water that was left in his water bottle.

But Joseph suddenly grabbed both of Adam’s wrist, startling him enough to drop the water bottle and tweezers to the ground. 

Adam looks at Joseph but the other boy wasn’t looking at him. Joseph’s eyes were turned downwards, avoiding Adam’s questionable stare. 

“Is something wrong?” Adam asks, not pulling his wrist back away from Joseph’s sweaty palms.

Adam then realized that maybe Joseph wasn’t drunk like he thought he was. All the symptoms that he learned in health class were coming back to him, the rumors that he heard in the halls lingered back into his brain.

The words of definitions he never heard of before and side effects that left him wondering why anyone would do the stuff in the first place.

But why would someone like Joseph try such a dangerous drug? Adam thinks to himself.

Adam never liked to believe in rumors. They were just rumors, in the end, never really knowing the full story of the other side, only hearing what that other person has heard with a few new pieces thrown in there to make things seems interesting.

Did Adam have the right to say something about it?

Was Adam important enough to make a difference?

“You know, you don’t have to do anything to impress anyone,” Adam says softly, holding back on any harshness that might come through him.

“There are better ways to stand out.” He whispers, hopefully, loud enough for the other boy to hear.

Adam doesn’t know why yet but most of the things they learned in class was the topic of how peer pressure can affect drug use and he knew he was grasping at straws with this.

It didn’t seem like Joseph was going to say anything but the air started to feel tenser, more rigid than the seconds before.

“I…….” Joseph started to say but stopped, almost choking on his own words. 

Joseph’s fingers were getting tighter on Adam’s slender wrist.

“You don’t have to tell me anything that you don’t want to say,” Adam says. “But you need to know that things don’t have to be ‘this’ way.”

Slowly moving both of his hands to cup around Joseph’s own wrist, feeling the slight pulse underneath the moist skin.

“You don’t have to do everything alone.”

Finally, as the words fall from his lips, Joseph’s eyes gazed up to meet Adam’s. 

Black voids meeting sky bright blues. 

How different they both could be.

But suddenly.

“Are you going to the winter dance?” Joseph ask.

How did we even get to this topic???

Adam didn’t see the harm in telling the truth about this strange change of topics.

“Uh, no I’m not. I usually have to work and study.”

“Do you want to go through?”

“I don’t think even if I have a choice, I just have so much-”

“I’m not asking if you ‘had a choice’ here. I’m asking if you could go like just fucking go and have no problems at all. Would you?”

Adam has never thought much about going to dances, especially to ones at Aglionby. He didn’t have that type of money to spend on something luxurious as that or even get a suit if he could afford a cheap one at best.

But wasn’t it a high school expense to go to something almost as stupid as something like that?

To be in a group of your closest friends and dance until your sweating out that crappy too-sweet-punch they serve on folding tables? 

To finally get the courage up and ask someone to dance with you and try not to show how nervous you are while doing it?

To feel fearless and young as the world is so far away and distant that it could never touch your young-spirited glory?

Even as stupid it might sound to so many, Adam wanted to do it.

Adam Parrish wanted to go to the winter dance.

“Yeah,” Adam says tenderly.

“Yeah, I would go.”

“Alright, then it’s settled,” Joseph says, letting go of Adam’s wrist and taking a step back. As a slow-moving curve of his lips.

“What’s settled?” Adam asked, not seeing what the hell is going on.

“I’m going to take you to the winter dance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy SHIT! It's been a while guys! I hope y'all are still around and interested in this story enough to see that it updated and read it. I'm going to try and write more. I've just had a big writing block and when I can't feel my emotions correctly then I don't think I could write the characters the best I can do.
> 
> So this is chapter 25! I hope y'all like it.


	26. Count me in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Half a mile out, knee deep in,  
> Hooked on a dream that is reelin' me in.  
> Oh is this how we begin?  
> Flowers on fire in black and white film."
> 
> "Curtains of rain on the pier,  
> Watching the skirt of the day disappear.  
> Caught like a wheel in a groove,  
> I'm crankin' it big but it don't wanna move."
> 
> "Count me in, oooh, count me in, oooh, count me in."
> 
> ~Count me in by Early Winters

_ “I’m going to take you to the winter dance.” _

Joseph could feel the curve of his lips turn upright as he saw the reaction from the other boy.

It would be something Joseph would probably never forget, even if he grew old and lost most of his memories. This would be as clear as day when he looked back at it.

The many looks on Adam’s face almost told him a story of different emotions. Going to total confusion than light pink dusted checks with shocked ocean eyes. His lips parted but with no words to escape and form on his tongue.

Joseph didn’t know he was staring until his eyes started to burn from not blinking. Finally shifting his gaze around the dark grassy area, Adam lastly spoke up.

“I .. I can’t let you do that for me,” Adam whispers, moving his eyes downcast in a way that told Joseph it was shameful to even speak the words.

“I just can’t,” Adam repeats himself.

Joseph knew this would be strenuous on the other boy. Adam was as prideful as they come, it would be hard for him to actually convince Adam to come without paying for anything. But if it was all about money, then maybe somehow Joseph could think of something. 

Curiously also tugged on Joseph’s frame of mind. Was there something else that could be stopping the other from going with him?

Joseph had to ask.

“Why  _ can’t _ you?”

“Because I don’t have-” Adam says but stops himself, moving both of his arms to his sides, fists clenched into palms.

“Is it because you don’t want to go with me?” Joseph asks, even if the question left a sour taste in the back of his mouth when he said it.

“What?  _ No _ , no, no, no Joseph. It’s not because I don’t want to go with you.” Adam says faster than Joseph ever heard the other talk.

“Then why can’t you? If the reason isn’t me then it should be alright, shouldn’t it?”

Adam seems to be thinking over what he wants to say to Joseph, the frow of his brows are pinched together in serious thought, eyes filled to the brim with frustration.

Joseph felt he needed to say something important.

“You know Adam..” Joseph starts “I’m the one asking you to go with me in the first place.” He says, taking a few steps closer again to him. “So wouldn’t it be perfectly fine if I paid for the both of us? Since I put you in this situation.”

Joseph let his fingers just barely ghost over Adam’s left forearm. Feeling the warmth coming off of Adam’s skin in the cool November air, even pricking his own skin from the chilled weather.

“But I’m not going to take you if you don’t want too. I’m not going to force someone to come with me when they obviously don’t want to go.” Joseph says, dropping his hand away, not wanting to pressure Adam with touch and thoughts.

_ But I do hope you say yes though.  _ Joseph thought as he stared down at his own hand on his side. Feeling sick all of a sudden by the lack of words being spoken back to him.

_ I guess this is my answer. _

Joseph turns to walk away from Adam, not wanting to feel the growing sting of rejection.

He knows that he has no right to feel down about this, of course, Adam never had to say  _ ‘yes’ _ . 

_ Why would Adam even say yes?  _

_ It’s not as if Adam would ever want be with me, there was no chance in all of hell that he would. _

_ What could anyone see in someone like me? _

_ The fucked up drugie-failure of all of Aglionby Academy, of course, I was a fucking fool to think otherwise.  _

The whirling thoughts kept on battering Joseph’s mind as he quickened his steps away from Adam.

_ Away from here. _

But as soon Joseph was about halfway towards the front door, someone grabs his arm with enough force to dig painfully into his skin. Turning around, Joseph is met with Adam. Who looks flustered with panic and fear.

“Just stop for a second!” Adam huffs out in deep breathes. “You didn’t even let me talk before walking off.” He says, starting to even out his breath.

Joseph stands still, waiting for Adam to catch his breath.

“You have long legs you know? Only took you a few steps to get here but I had to run to get caught up to you.” Adam says, smirking.

Joseph didn’t know he was holding his breath. He could only feel that he must look like a fish out of water right now. Mouth hanging open and eyes bugging out of his sockets.

It was a pure shock, to say the least. Seeing Adam holding onto his arm and now knowing that he ran after Joseph to talk to him.

“Alright,” Adam says, letting go of Joseph’s arm. 

“I’ll go with you to the winter dance.”

_ What? _

“What?” Joseph says.

“I said I’ll go to the winter dance with you, Joseph Kavinsky.”

Joseph could literally feel his heart seize right there at that moment. Stop its healthy beating to take a pause to appreciate the words that slipped out of this gorgeous boy’s mouth. 

Too drink in every word and feel it wash over his overly heated skin.   

“B-but you said you couldn’t?” Joseph asked, biting his bottom lip anxiously, making sure that he wasn’t having some kind of fever dream.

“Well I was thinking it over and your right. You’re the one to ask me to go but it doesn’t mean I’ll let you pay for me. At least let me pay for myself.” Adam says.

Joseph knows better to ask if it was really ‘ _ okay’ _ for Adam to pay for himself, Joseph knew this was the only chance he was getting and he wasn’t going to fuck it up now.

He can’t screw this up.

Joseph let his lungs fill up with air as he couldn’t help but laugh at the absurdity of all of these fucking situations. 

At how many weird and terrible events lead up to this moment. 

At how things seem to be changing so fast it seems so alarming but it never felt so good before.

_ Feeling alive never felt so goddamn good. _

“Yeah, you can pay for yourself, Parrish,” Joseph says lightly, breathing in and smelling the moisture in the air.

_ It smells likes it’s going to rain.  _ Joseph thought to himself.

But he couldn’t bring himself to care so much.

Because he was going to the winter dance with Adam fucking Parrish.

 

 

* * *

 

Ronan never liked parties. 

Too many people piled into one place, too many nameless faces he couldn’t pinpoint, and too many things that could go terribly wrong within seconds.

But he wasn’t here to drink and hide out from the other teenagers that lingered around the huge house.

_ No. _

He was here to find Joseph Kavinsky.

And that’s  _ all _ he was going to do.

_ Just talk, no throwing punches, no swing elbows….. Just simple talking.  _ Ronan reminded himself.

As Ronan made his way around the home, he couldn’t find a single sign of Joseph, which was very strange if you’ve ever been to a party that had Joseph Kavinsky in it.

Making his way through the crowd, Ronan found himself standing in the kitchen doorway looking at a pretty weird scene in front of him. Tommy Acres is holding a big bag of what looks to be liquor in his hands, holding it out in front of himself, showing some guy. Who looks to be about 15 years-old.  

“This is good enough right?” Acres asks the 15-year-old.

The kid grabs a fairly large brown bottle from the bag, looking it over as if he could tell if it was good or not by the shape and size of it. Twisting off the cap with a smooth flick of his fingers, the cap comes flying off. 

Without hesitation, the kid starts downing the dark liquor. 

_ I doubt that’s even fucking healthy if he had two livers.  _ Ronan thought as he kept staring on between the two boys in astonishment.

After almost one-third of the bottle is emptied, the kid finally comes back up for air.

“It's’ alright.” The kid says, wiping his mouth with the back of his pale hand. 

“I can’t believe you haven’t died yet from alcohol poisoning, Skov. You crazy bastard you.” Another boy smiles widely as he swaggers ups and lops an arm around the kid’s shoulders.

_ Skov? Haven’t I heard that name somewhere? _

“ _ Eh _ too bad for that,” Skov says dryly, taking a few more ( _ lighter _ ) sips off of the dark bottle. Skov then eyes Acres, who was still standing in front of him.

“You can fucking  _ go _ now.” Skov says.

As Acres is turning away, Skov stops him from leaving too fast. “But leave me the rest of the drinks, I’ll take them as a ‘ _ gift’  _ from you.” He smiles wickedly.

Acres doesn’t try to argue with Skov, handing over the plastic bag of glass bottles and walking away like he was the happiest guy to leave his own kitchen. 

Ronan couldn’t help but feel like he knew this guy. Not just by his smugged attitude or his name but the boy had very pale creamy skin and icy blue eyes, hair looking as if it had no pigment in it. Something like that just didn’t go unnoticed often.  

Looking over again, Ronan did know the other boy standing next to Skov. Unmistakable raven black hair that somehow always has a snapback covering it, toothy grin and a mouth that never stopped talking, and flashy clothes that only someone like himself could get away with wearing.

It was Jiang from his gym class.

And Ronan knew that Jiang was somewhat related to Joseph in one way or another. Even with the lack of going to school that he’s been doing, Ronan normally saw Jiang and Joseph together almost all the time.

And who was better to know where Joseph was then Jiang?

Walking up to the two boys, Ronan tried his ( _ almost _ ) best to make sure he wasn’t here to kick anyone ass, sometimes people just looked at Ronan and thought that.

He never knew why people felt that way though.

“Where’s Kavinsky?” Ronan asked, keeping his voice even and calm.

The two boys must not have noticed Ronan get so close to them because they both look at him with somewhat  _ ‘surprised’ _ expresses. Well, Jiang seemed surprised, Skov looked more annoyed with Ronan’s presence than anything.

_ “Kavinsky?” _ Skov asked, trying to whisper into Jiang’s ear.

“Kavinsky’s that tall dude I invited over today at the dorm, remember?” Jiang says back, not trying to secretly about anything.

“Maybe I  _ have _ drank a little bit too much,” Skov says, holding up the bottle in his hand and eyeing it like it betrayed him in some terrible way.

“ _ Anyway… _ .. I saw him a while ago but then he wandered off somewhere. Why  _ you _ asking,  _ mhmm _ ?” Jiang says, taking a long slip off of his red plastic cup keeping his eyes on Ronan.

“I need to talk to him,” Ronan says, flatly. 

“You ‘ _ needing’ _ to talk to Kavinsky? Sounds pretty fake, if you ask me.” Jiang huffs. 

Ronan felt his blood begin to move faster in his veins by the sly remark. He didn’t like to be called or even implied to be a liar.

Ronan Lynch was no liar.

Taking a deep and low inhale through his nose, Ronan needed to calm his body before he opens his mouth again so speak.

Ronan was never good with words but this wasn’t a time to make things worse by letting his temper get the hold of him.

“Do you know where he is?” Ronan asked Skov, who was still under Jiang’s arm. Jiang eyeballed Ronan with a fiery look for ignoring him.

_ Well if Jiang didn’t know where Joseph was then maybe the other knew something helpful. _

“And if I don’t?” Skov says, eyeing Ronan up and down from his low height.

“Then you don’t know. I’m not going to waste my time asking both of you two if none of you don’t know where he is.” 

And with that, Ronan turned away from the irritating two. Not wanting to be around them any longer then he had too.

As he was back standing in the living room, back facing the kitchen, a voice rang out towards him.

“Hey! You!”

Ronan turned around to see a boy around his own age, walk-jogging up to him, haired styled into a wavy bowl cut and wearing a matching tracksuit. 

Finally catching up to Ronan, the boy smiled weakly at him.

“S-sorry about the yelling but um, you said you were looking for Kavinsky, right?” The boy says, shyly.

“Yeah, I am.”

“I saw him not too long ago with someone, they went out the front door but they both looked like they were in some type of hurry.”

Ronan’s stomach clenched up with the flashing of the vision he saw in the oak tree. Reminding him of what could happen if he doesn’t do something to prevent it.

“Thanks,” Ronan says before turning away, moving through the dense crowd of sweaty teenagers, not apologizing to anyone who he roughly bumps into as he walks by.

_ Please, tell me your alright, Adam. _

As Ronan gets closer to the front stop, he can’t help but hear the roaring beat of his heart in his ears, drowning out every last bit of music or chatting mouths surrounding him. 

He gets closer and closer to the door but he feels the walls closing in on him, trapping him in white noise and his hammering heart. He’s running out of time, but the vision was in the future? How much time does he have? 

_ Have I failed? _

_ Am I too late? _

Ronan almost didn’t notice the cold nip of the metal doorknob in his hand until he was closing it safety behind himself. 

His eyes scanning out into the black night that engulfs him and everything nearby. Only the small pouch light to the far left of him gives a dim orange dusky shine upon the front lawn. 

But farther out he sees two people lighten up by a familiar car. Its ghostly ilume gives them a holy glow like arc angels.

Ronan’s throat feels drier than sand.

Adam’s hand is around Joseph’s long lanky arm, looking out of breath like he just ran. Their talking but Adam has a smile on his face. 

A  _ real _ smile.

Something that Ronan hasn’t seen in such a long time from Adam.

Suddenly all the anger that drove Ronan to this very party completely disappeared with that smile.

_ That fucking smile. _

Ronan now didn’t know what to do.

His thoughts were running crazy on what to do, what to believe in, who to believe in.

Was he wrong to believe in the oak tree’s vision?

Was he wrong about Joseph this damn whole time?

He doesn’t know.

He doesn’t  **fucking** know.

The only opinion was to do what he was best at doing.

He ran.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys (*´ω｀*) I know nothing super especially happens in this chapter but I still hope y'all enjoy it. I'm just trying to get back into the flow of writing and I've also been a little busy because I'm finally getting into college., which is fuckin scary for me but ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
> 
> Anyway! Here is chapter 26 and I hope you all like it and that if you're reading this that your day is nice and you stay dry from any type of hot weather coming your way.


	27. Bring the heat and those pretty eyes towards me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Got the car parked,  
> Everyone's gone,  
> High heels on,  
> Standing real tall.  
> You breaking my fall,  
> Take your top off,  
> Can't keep your clothes on.  
> When I'm in Rome,  
> Singing my song,  
> You breaking my fall.  
> And I know what you do to me...  
> Yeah, you know what you need."
> 
> "I'm feeling some way,  
> I'm feeling some way, some way,  
> Don't play, you know I don't play, don't play.  
> With me and my fantasy,  
> Don't play with my fantasy."
> 
> ~Fantasy by Eternity Forever

_ “I’ll go to the winter dance with you.” _

Adam’s own past words echoed in his mind while he sits in the passenger seat in The Pig, watching the long distant light poles burr on by.

Gansey and he never found Ronan at the party but Noah called Gansey’s phone while they were climbing back into The Pig, Noah telling them that Ronan came back not too long ago and is locked up in his room with Chainsaw.

Adam wonders where Ronan went but something in him told him that Ronan  _ did _ go to the party. 

He just didn’t know where Ronan was hiding or why he was hiding in the first place.

_ I guess I shouldn’t push it too much.  _ Adam thought quietly to himself, feeling the sharp chill wind blow his hair gently. It was starting to drizzly, rolling up his window, Adam tried to get comfortable in his seat. 

Trying to stop the hundred of fluttering butterflies that hidden their way into his stomach.

_ I can’t believe I said yes. _

Adam didn’t regret saying yes to Joseph, oh no it wasn’t that. It was more as if he was hovering his tired hand over a bear trap and hoping that his arm didn’t falter.

Adam needed to figure out how to get the money together to go to this dance. From what he saw on the flyers around Aglionby, it was hundred-twenty-dollars for a single couple. Meaning he would need sixty dollars plus money for a suit.

_ I could ask for longer hours at Boyd’s. Maybe doing it right after school and coming back to the trailer at my normal hour?  _

_ Might as well have Sunday full for moving the trucks at the warehouse for some more money too. _

As Adam was thinking out more options with his hours, one problem kept on creeping into his head, giving his nerves a stressful tug. 

**_Robert_ ** .

Adam paid his mother and father money from his paycheck every week, only leaving enough for school, food and future needs. 

But he hid that money from them.

If Robert ever found Adam’s  _ ‘extra’ _ cash, then he would be in bigger trouble then he could even imagine.

Yet, something inside Adam craved to plant his foot down to the earth and go through with it. 

It was his own money in the first place, why couldn’t he for once in his life do something for himself? 

Do something that he  _ wanted _ .

And what he wanted was to go to the winter dance with Joseph Kavinsky.

 

 

* * *

 

Joseph falls into his bed with a heavy huff, his head swimming and feeling like a ton of bricks, turning his head over to see what time it is.

2:18 a.m the red neon clock reads.

_ It’s a good thing it’s Sunday.  _ Joseph thought, bringing up his weighted hands to undo his belt and shimmy out of his sweaty jeans. Joseph wasn’t a fan of sleeping in pants but like who was?

Joseph let his eyes causally shut, he was so exhausted after the whole night out. Physical and emotionally drained not just from the people at the party but the drugs too.

Letting his mind drift and thinking back to what Adam said earlier that night.

_ “But you need to know that things don’t have to be ‘this’ way.” _

_ “You don’t have to do everything alone.” _

The way Adam said them, handing them to him, a gift from such a small griver. So important but yet so simply spoken from the darkness that could of easily smother the luster that clung to that boy in front of him.

But it didn’t, it didn’t.

It made Adam glow even  _ more _ .

It made Joseph want to change.

Want to  _ grow _ .

To be better.

Joseph didn’t know where his thoughts of Adam and his thoughts on other things began and ended. They seem to just start mingling together now, everything that Joseph thought of or saw reminded him of Adam in some way or another.

Everything was a burr of sky blue eyes and freckled sun-tanned skin.

 

 

* * *

 

_ Joseph opened his eyes, they still felt thick with sleep. Bringing up his hands to wipe the grogginess from his face, Joseph looked for his surroundings.  _

_ Once again, it was this place that Joseph has been before. _

_ This strange forest. Joseph thought to himself. _

_ “I just hope Lynch isn’t here this time,” Joseph says aloud, sitting up from the grassy ground. It was dusk, the sky mixed with rusted oranges and bruised lavenders.  _

_ He liked it best at this time of day. The slight warm breeze swangin the trees and flowers gently as if they were singing a lullaby to soothe some mythical beast deep in the remote woodland.  _

_ It sure calmed him. _

_ “This is weirder than usually,” Joseph says, narrowing his eyes in suspicion. It didn’t feel as if the forest wasn’t trying to send any terrible creature after him, they weren’t even screaming at him to leave.  _

_ Instead, Joseph felt it was peaceful and inviting. _

_ “Hasn’t been this nice since I first came here,” Joseph whispered to himself. _

_ Joseph didn’t know what to do, he wasn’t here to steal anything or try to polish his skill of dreaming up something. Finding nothing to do, Joseph laid back down on the lush grass. Pausing to take a deep breath in, filling his lungs of the fresh air that never got old for him, it was clean and pure as it came. _

_ It didn’t always smell that way. _

_ Letting his eyes close, Joseph wanted to hear the lullaby of the forest edge it’s way back into his ears. Listening sharply for it to play once again.  _

_ But instead of the rich singing of the timber and wildflowers, he heard twigs snap and crunch under something. _

_ Just as if someone was walking nearby.  _

_ It better not be Lynch. Joseph thought, sitting up lazily to take his sweet time.  _

_ However, it wasn’t Ronan Lynch standing by the luscious blueberry bushes. _

_ But in fact, Adam Parrish standing near the blueberry bushes, gazing at Joseph. _

_ Joseph was differently confused now.  _

_ Was Adam a dreamer like Lynch and me? No, that can’t be, right. Wouldn’t of I saw him here before if that was the case but then….. Am I dreaming of him? Or is he really here? _

_ Is Adam Parrish a dreamer?  _

_ Or is this just a simple dream? _

_ Standing up, Joseph made his way over to him. For some reason, Joseph felt incredibly nervous about this. Each step closer to the other boy left Joseph with a sort of white lighting digging into his nerves.  _

_ He couldn’t tell if it was good or bad. _

_ Finally, Joseph was in front of Adam, none of them has said a single word to each other. Joseph didn’t even know what to say to him.  _

_ Ask if he’s real?  _

_ Ask if he’s a dreamer? _

_ Joseph felt choked up, not grasping the right words to say. As Joseph was too absorbed into his own mind, Adam’s hand lightly touched Joseph’s slender forearm. Touching it as if it was fine china, not knowing if it could break with the slightest of touch. _

_ Joseph hadn’t known he was looking at the ground until he lifted his head to look at Adam. Adam though was eyeing Joseph arm, slowly and softly moving his touch across the pale skin, gliding his fingertips higher up Joseph’s arm. Moving along now over his collarbone and up his neck, finally laying his palm against Joseph’s cheek. _

_ His hand is warm… Joseph thought, leaning slightly into the touch. _

_ Adam finally lifted his gaze up to Joseph, his eyes sending a cool chill down Joseph’s back. A second hand laid itself on Joseph’s bony hip, even with a shirt on Joseph could feel the warmth coming from it. He liked it. _

_ Joseph couldn’t remember getting so close to Adam, how they were only inches from each other’s bodies. That lighting sensation was back again and Joseph could feel it pump his heart full of something he didn’t understand. His chest, lighter than a feather but his eyes felt heavy and dreamy. _

_ He didn’t know who leaned in first. Was it Adam? Or was it he? _

_ Because now, Adam’s delicate lips were being pressed gently against his own. It was slow, slower than any kiss Joseph has ever had before. But he liked it, he liked it alot. Adam slide his hand over Joseph’s cheek behind the nap of his neck, cupping it to bring Joseph closer to himself.  _

_ Joseph let his hands rest on top of Adam’s hips, even with Adam being short than himself, Joseph enjoyed the way Adam controlled this moment. Joseph wanted Adam to be in control. _

_ Adam turned both of them around, Joseph then felt a tree against his back. Maybe it was because Joseph didn’t weight much or that Adam was stronger than he looked but Adam was pressing himself into Joseph.   _

_ Out of nowhere, Joseph let a deep grunt escape in the back of his throat. Adam moved his knee in between Joseph’s legs and the tension was making Joseph’s whole body tremble. _

_ Adam then deepens the kiss by slipping his tongue into Joseph’s mouth. How Adam tastes like cherries and vanilla, a favor in which Joseph didn’t know he needed until now. _

_ Joseph didn’t know how long they stayed like that but after some time Adam drew back first, leaving Joseph to only want more of the other’s warmth. _

_ Adam gradually opened his eyes, the way they weren’t sky blue anymore but darker and hooded. His lips redder then Joseph has ever seen them. It was almost like he was wearing lipstick they looked so bruised. _

_ Adam opened his mouth, beginning to speak. _

_ “I-” _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not good at writing these kinds of moments I know, don't kill me.
> 
> Also wanted to give a big old thanks for all the comments from the last chapter! Like wowz! I'm so glad and truly amazed at times at how much you guys like this story. It really is amazing to me as a beginner to writing.
> 
> Anyway it's like 12 in the morning and I only got 3 hours of sleep the night before so I'm gunna go to bed! I hope y'all have good days whenever you see and read this!


	28. Changing for the better

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "While my friends were getting high and chasing girls down parkway lines.  
> I was losing my mind cause the love, the love, the love, the love, the love,  
> That I gave wasted on a nice face.  
> In a blaze of fear I put a helmet on a helmet,  
> Counting seconds through the night and got carried away."
> 
> "So now I'm standing on the overpass screaming at the cars.  
> Hey, I wanna get better!"
> 
> "I didn’t know I was lonely 'til I saw your face.  
> I wanna get better, better, better, better.  
> I wanna get better.  
> I didn't know I was broken 'til I wanted to change.  
> I wanna get better, better, better, better.  
> I wanna get better."
> 
> ~I wanna get better by Bleachers

Joseph’s whole body jerks awake, sending him almost tumbling out of his bed and onto the floor but he quickly catches himself on his nightstand.

His heart was pounding in his chest and his breathing was jagged. He pushed himself back to laying on his bed, trying to relax his sore muscles and chaotic breaths. 

_ That…… wasn’t a nightmare. _ Joseph thought, hazily.

Tossing off the blankets that covered his body, wondering how he even got them over himself in the first place. It didn’t matter much to him because it wasn’t the first time something happened while he was asleep. What did matter right now, was how extremely sweaty and sticky he was.

His shirt was damp with beads of sweat, the thin cotton shirt he wore clung lightly to his frame. He sat up in his bed and then he felt it.

“No  _ fuckin _ way,” Joseph whispers, roughly ranking his hands through his hair.

Joseph didn’t waste any time laying around anymore, gingerly getting up and shuffling over to his bathroom. Turning on his shower and stripping off his shirt and soiled boxers, tossing them in the laundry bin. Shortly after that, Joseph steps into the shower, letting the warm water wash over himself.

But the water couldn’t stop the flood of thoughts that ran through his mind.

_ What the hell was that? That……. I- I kissed Adam in my dream and he kissed me back.  _ Joseph thought, taking his fingertips and placing them on his lips, memorizing the way they moved against Adam’s own pair.

Joseph has never kissed a boy before or even  _ dreamed _ of kissing a boy before. Of course, Joseph has kissed girls before ( _ however it was normally on accident or they just kissed me without asking _ ) it wasn’t anything special and it wasn’t anything more than that in the end.

But what did it mean now?

Joseph never quite questioned his sexuality, he felt he was too busy running for his life, taking care of his mama or getting fucked up to think of something like that.

Yet, his father was dead now and he couldn’t get Joseph now or his mama anymore. Their lives were living here in this tiny ass town and him going to a rich-snotty all boys school.

It didn’t occur to Joseph that he  _ did _ actually ask Adam to the winter dance but he hadn’t meant it to be a couple thing……

_ But that doesn’t sound bad.  _ Joseph thought.

And it hit him.

_ Did Adam think it was a couple thing? Or just a hangout thing? _

Joseph hoped it was a couple thing.

 

 

* * *

 

“ _ Ronan _ ..” A familiar voice came through the other side of his door. It was a good thing he didn’t have his earphones in because he wouldn’t have heard his name being called. Instead, he lays awake on his bed while Chainsaw slept on his pillows.

It was still early in the morning, he knew this from the curtains that were drawn back just a bit, showing the aging bruised sky. The way it was healing itself from the night before, dark purples turning into lilac greys.

_ It’s Sunday.  _ Ronan thought.

_ I’m going to church. _

It was oddly weird how quiet the other boy can be because as Ronan sat up from his mattress, Noah was already in his bedroom. Standing awkwardly next to the closed door. 

“You didn’t knock,” Ronan says, wearily, not really wanting to argue right now.

“I did knock,” Noah says, barely raising his voice above a whisper. 

They fell into a tense silence, either one speaking a single word. It wasn’t until Chainsaw woke up and saw Noah did any noise happened. She cawed at him, flapping her dark stiff wigs to fly steadily to the ground, landing on his feet and hopping close to where Noah stood.

She fancied him a lot, Ronan didn’t know why but she would always fly closer to him when he was near.

“So you knocked?” Ronan asked.

“Yeah,” Noah says, eyeing Chainsaw as she peaked at his shoes ties.

“What for?”

“Gansey said you left early yesterday, said you seemed upset.” 

Ronan wanted to say he was  _ always upset about something or another,  _ it just changed on ‘ _ what’ _ was upsetting him.

Right now he was upset because maybe for the longest of times he has misjudged someone or that someone changed for the better and Ronan didn’t give them a second chance.

And that someone was Joseph Kavinsky.

Because Ronan has no doubt in his entire body that someone like Adam Parrish wouldn’t smile so beautifully as someone who didn’t deserve it.

He just  _ knew _ it.

“It’s nothing big,” Ronan replied, again, putting up a wall. 

“Nothing big?” Noah asked.

“Yes,  _ nothing big _ , Noah.”

“It feels more than a whole lot of  _ ‘nothing big’ _ .”

Ronan never grasped how Noah did it, how the kid knew how someone felt or what they thought no matter what kind of performance they played.

“It’s ………  _ complicated _ .” Ronan finally answers, retaining his eyes on Chainsaw rather than Noah’s eerie stare.

“Life sure is one big thing of complicated.”

“That’s an understatement.” Ronan scoffed lightly.

“It is but it can be helpful with people who care to be around, less stressful, more comforting.”

Sometimes Ronan thought Noah liked to speak in simple riddles.

Turning his head towards his blacklight clock hanging on the wall, it showed that it was just turning six in the morning. 

Church didn’t even begin until nine.

_ It’s going to be a long day. _ Ronan thought, sighing as he got up, making sure he didn’t step on anything important or gross for a matter of fact.

He needed to clean more.

“Come on,” Ronan says to Chainsaw, making her drop Noah’s shoes tie and turn towards him, spreading her wings and flying to perch on his shoulder.

Walking to his bedroom door, a thought started to go through his mind as he opened his door.

_ I wonder if Adam was happier with him. _

_ More than being with me. _

 

 

* * *

 

“Mama? You awake?” Joseph says, knocking on his mother’s bedroom door.

“Yeah, I am.” 

Joseph opened the door and saw that his mother was on sitting in a chair on her balcony, the room filled with the chill of the end of November air. Strolling over to the open doorway to the outer platform, Joseph letting himself sit in the opposite chair next to his mother. Along lit cigarette between her piano playing fingers.

She looked better today, the purple bags under her eyes didn’t look heavy as sandbags. Her caramel hair still had that slight bed-head going on but that made him happy.

_ Maybe the new medication was working?  _

_ God, fuck I hope so.  _ Joseph thought.

“Hey, mama?”

“Mhmm?” She hums, taking a drag off her cigarette. “What’s up?”

“You know when you asked me to go to one of your therapy seasons? You asked me a while ago.” Joseph says, taking out one of his own cigarettes but this time it’s a normal one that he dreamed up a while ago.

Sighing out smoke, she nodded with a somber look on her face, her curls bouncing as her head moved. She might feel guilty for asking but he doesn’t want her to feel that way, she asked him for help and he had said no.

He needed to change that.

“I was thinking about that and……. I would be glad to go with you to your next session. If you still want me to go that is.” He asked, taking a bum off of his own cigarette.

“I want to help and I know I haven’t been in your life a lot since we moved here and…. And I want to change that because we are all we have, mama. Your all I have.” Joseph felt himself choke with the words that he spoke, hoping that it’s not too late to change this.

To change their relationship for the better.

“Because I want you to get better.” He paused, rolling his cigarette in between his fingers, trying to keep his focus on it to help from the tears that threaten to break.

“And I want to get better with you.” 

Joseph hadn’t even known that his mother had gotten up from her chair and knelt beside him to put her thin delicate arms around his shoulders. He thought he was holding in the tears but they were slipping over, warm and wet down his cheeks, curving all the way below his chin. 

She didn’t say a word but she hadn’t need too. Her embrace soothed him, taking her hand and smoothing down his damp hair. She smelled of her favorite coconut shampoo and stale cigarette smoke.

He liked it.

She finally pulled away from him.

Her eyes were red-rimmed with tears, making her hazel eyes sparkle in the morning sunrise. Her lips trembled with emotion Joseph didn’t know if she was upset or happy with him. She cupped his face with both of her ice cold hands, she says.

“I wanna get better with you too, sweetie.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here I am again today! And I can say with this chapter is the end of the second arc! ╭(๑ ॔ㅂ ਂ ॓)و ̑̑ and if y'all are reading this then now the story is up too 204 pages! LIKE HOLY SHIT (ง ͡ʘ ͜ʖ ͡ʘ)ง
> 
> Anyway here is chapter 28. I hope all that read like it and find new views on some of the characters......
> 
> Before anything happens to them.


	29. Let's talk about feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "But I lust after her and she's in love with me,  
> Well, this is fucking out of control, man, seriously.  
> Do you really think you'll be better off alone?  
> Yeah, you're the one to talk, never knowing what you want,  
> And it just takes a toll on my heart, girl, honestly.  
> For just this once, could you be straight up with me?"
> 
> "And if you knew me half as well as you think you do,  
> I wouldn't waste all my time convincing you:  
> "I'm not who you think I am."  
> I probably don't give a damn about your band, man.  
> I just hope you understand,  
> That I'm rotten to the core.  
> I'm a selfish attention whore,  
> Don't expect optimism,  
> I left it at the door."
> 
> ~ Actor by Northbound

The days started to past on by faster than Adam wanted to admit, with him working more to have enough money for the winter dance that’s coming up on December twenty-first, school studies to grind on and somehow still find time to squeeze in ideas to bound off of Gansey about the mysterious forested area they found not too long ago.

Winter Exams were also coming up the horizon, putting extra stress on the students of Aglionby Academy and every high school teenager across the U.S.

Also, the short fiery girl named Blue who worked at Nino’s started to tag alongside them more and more as they went back to the caved place on the mountaintop. She was quite knowable about magical properties and old myths, and furthermore, she didn’t take Gansey’s sometimes off-putting nonsense.

Adam liked that most about her.

Of course, Gansey didn’t mean real harm of what he said or anything he tried to pay for but at times Gansey hadn’t grown up in the same areas as Adam and Blue, he couldn’t understand what it meant to be scraping by.

Adam  _ did _ have some days off of course, even with asking for more hours at Boyd’s. Adam had Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday off in the evenings while he still went to the factory in the mornings before school started.

Today was Tuesday.

While all four boys wait for Blue to come over to Monmouth, Adam rests on the hardwood floor in the main room, going over his notes to make sure he wasn’t missing anything that he needed. As Adam was nearly finished up reading over his notes, he heard heavy boots make their way over to him.

Adam knew who it was just by the dark combat boots that stood in front of him. Glancing up, Adam was meet with the blank face of Ronan Lynch.

“You done?” Ronan asks, his hands shoved in his black faded jeans.

“Yeah,” Adam says, closing his notes and tucking them away into his book bag.

“Good. Follow me,” Ronan says before wheeling around and stepping towards the front door.

_ I guess Blue’s here. _ Adam deemed, grabbing his heavy flanneled denim jacket, following Ronan outside to the parking lot.

But Blue wasn’t in the parking lot.

She wasn’t even sitting in The Pig with Gansey and Noah.

Adam turned to Ronan, eyebrows raised in question.

“You know when I told you I would teach you how to drive stick? Well, buckle up and get ready and try not to kill us both in the process.” Ronan says, a sly smirk on his impressive features.

He tossed the BMV’s car keys at Adam and without skipping a beat, strolls over to his car, opening up the passenger side door. Adam was shocked to think that Ronan remembered that agreement he made, feeling it had been so long ago in the far distant memory. That they left behind with the glass bottles of alcohol that burned their throats when it went down.

It warmed up his whole body, even in the cold nipping air, it brought up a blush over his previously reddened cheeks.

_ At least nobody can tell. _

Walking over to the glossy black car, Adam opens the driver's door and takes in a deep breath, filling his tight lungs with the freezing December air before relaxing down in the car seat.

Buckling his seat belt, Adam shifted towards Ronan for instructions. Listening was natural for Adam to say the least, Ronan was helpful with telling him how to push the clutch before firing up the car. Engaging the brake pedal and then putting the keys into the ignition. 

“Alright, now put it in first gear. Remember what I said right? Left and then up and then take off the brake pedal.” Ronan says, eyeing Adam carefully. 

Adam did what Ronan said and did more, moving into second gear when he starts to pick up more momentum. Ronan said to go in large circles so that’s what he did. Going around and around in circles as he shifts back and forth between the two gears for now.

Ronan was egging Adam with shouts of enthusiasm and bad encouragement, telling the other to go faster while still shifting in the basic gears. Adam couldn’t help but want to do it, observing how the fire burned so deep in Ronan’s eyes, his hand out the window gripping the hood of the car. 

It was this type of passion that Adam didn’t get to see much but when it showed, Adam only ached to witness more of it. Craving the fire to burn his cold skin and engulf his entire being.

As Adam was trying to move into the different gears, he didn’t get it right, then the horrible shrieks of the car stalling. Causing Adam to continue to make mistake after mistake. Finally, bring the BMW to a stop, Ronan took a breath and said. 

“This isn’t your mother’s ‘71 Honda Civic.”

“They actually didn’t make Civic until 1973, Ronan,” Adam says, a smile devilish smile curling the corners of his lips.

But before Ronan had the time to whip out a comeback, Gansey called out to the small girl walking towards their parking lot.

“Jane! Pleased to see that you came, I thought you weren't going to appear. Anyway, Ronan is training Adam the ways of manual transmissions.” Gansey says, warmly.

Blue journeys all the way to the black BMW, tilting her head forward in the driver's side window, her hair short but in the process of growing out, using pins to hold them down from going in all directions.

“Training him? Is that what this smell is?” She says, a grin on her oval face. Noah then hopped over to her, Blue taking her head out of the window to turn towards Noah.

“Can  _ I _ ?” Noah says, hold out his hands, gesturing to his own pale head of hair.

“Go wild,” Blue says, tipping her head out in front of herself. Noah’s expression becoming filled with delight as he gives the smaller of the gang head pats.

Ronan and Adam both get out of the BMW but Ronan is already heading to The Pig while Adam stands next to Blue as she continues to get pats on her head by Noah.

Gansey swaggering up to the three of them, sliding out his journal from his back pocket and reading over something Adam can’t quite read from this viewpoint.

“Where we off to now?” Adam asks.

Gansey took a longer pause then Adam thought he needed too, staring at his journal as if it was giving him conflicting ideas about where they require to go next.

“The woods,” Gansey says, shutting his journal and wandering over to his car. Leaving Adam and Blue to give each other bewildered looks.

“Kind of a cryptic answer to give,” Adam says, moving his gaze to look off towards Gansey’s back.

“I think that’s how he tries to keep us on our toes or it’s his charming way of keeping the excitement alive,” Blue says.

Adam could only raise a single eyebrow to that thought.

As all five of them climb into The Pig, Ronan speaks up first.

“We have to be back in three hours, Chainsaw needs food again by then.”

“Why don’t you just bring her?” Blue asks Ronan.

Ronan scoffs as if the question itself mocked him in such a way. “You think I’ll bring a baby on this trip?” He says back.

Adam lifted his eyes to meet Ronan’s, it was on the tip of his tongue but Adam didn’t dare to say it.

_ Well, we brought you. _ Adam thought playfully. Ronan gave Adam a stern side look. Almost as if the other knew exactly what he was thinking about. 

“This,” Gansey began. “Is precisely why we didn’t want to have a child with you.”

 

 

* * *

 

“Have you ever ……. Liked someone you never knew you'd like or get close too?” Joseph asks Jiang, resting his back against the others bed with an oversized textbook in his lap. The lesson he was working on lost while his mind wandered somewhere else. 

Well, more with  _ someone _ else.

“You mean like a one nighter?” Jiang says from his bed, his nose stuck in his textbook, still writing down his answers on his notebook paper.

“ _ No _ , more as if you ….. Okay, say that you have an office job-”

“Boring as fuck dude,”

“You gotta listen? Or just interrupt me?”

“I’ll try my best not to?” Jiang says in a questioned tone.

“Good enough,” Joseph says. “Well, as I was saying, you work at an office and there's this person you don’t work closely with but you see them often enough to know some shit. One day, something happens and it brings you and them closer together, somehow now you notice what they're like by themselves and you like it, you like it a lot.” Joseph says, holding his eyes on his textbook as he fiddles with the page.

Abruptly, Jiang stops writing and lifts his head up.

“As in you start liking them for their character and behavior?” He asks.

Joseph nods his head wearily.

Joseph can hear Jiang shut his textbook and put it on the side of his bed frame, he moves to sit next to Joseph on the hard floor.

“To be completely honest, I have no idea about relationships or how to even handle shit like  _ ‘this’ _ ,” Jiang says while gesturing to Joseph. “But it sounds like you're in better deep with this person,” Jiang says.

Joseph can feel the flush of blood pool in his cheeks as the words come out of Jiang’s mouth. Hearing it from someone else makes it feel ten times more embarrassing than just imagining about it by himself.

“But do you know if the other person feels the same? It would suck pretty hard if they didn’t feel the same way back.”

“I haven’t actually asked them how they feel about me……….. They kinda hated me until a few months ago.” Joseph says, feeling like a fool by just saying the words aloud. Comprehending that it didn't appear great so far in his end.

“Well, fuck it!” Jiang says, jumping up suddenly. Making Joseph jump in his seat on the floor while tripping over his textbook that laid in his lap.

"Fuck what?" Joseph asked, feeling his heart hammer in his tight chest, without the anything in his system for the past few weeks Joseph's body has felt drained and restless. 

But he knew it was better this way, helping himself and his mother.

“Kavinsky, you're letting some self-doubt get in your way of something fucking huge! The Kavinsky I know wouldn’t let some stuff like that get in his way, come on. Get up we’re getting the rest of the dogs.” Jiang says, a vibrant smile with dimples in the corners of his cheeks spread over his features. A hand stretched out in front of himself for Joseph to grab on too.

Joseph grasped hold and Jiang hoisted Joseph up on to his feet.

“What the hell are we getting them for? What are we even doing?” Joseph asked.

“We’re getting them because we need to help you out.”

“And how are you guys going to do that?”

Jiang looked at him like he had the secret of the world hidden inside his mind, not waiting to tell Joseph about it.

“We’re going to do some roleplaying.”

Joseph didn’t like how this day was turning out to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!! Sorry, I've been kinda busy with stuff but I still wanted to get this chapter out for you guy! I got this internship that I've been waiting to hear back on for a few weeks and I just had the interview on Tuesday. It's been a wild ride.
> 
> Also, I've been going on some dates with this really cool poly couple. I'm hoping it works out but I don't know yet. I have a date tomorrow with them.
> 
> Anyway! This chapter is kinda all over the place (had to go back to the first book and look at a lot of things) but I hope you find it enjoyable!
> 
> Here is chapter 29! Have a great day you guy's


	30. Have you tried acting?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And I wanna get thrown out,  
> Thrown out of this party.  
> I don't have to waste my life away."
> 
> "Making up excuses,  
> Of why I have to go home.  
> I wasn't invited anyway."
> 
> "Plus, I got a lot of cool friends up inside my head now.  
> Maybe I should shake the sides and let them out to play,  
> You would probably hate them, everybody else does.  
> At least they got something to say,  
> And they got somewhere to stay."
> 
> ~ All my friends by WRENN

“What the fuck are we doing?” Skov asked, his arms crossed over his bulky chest with his usual sour face. 

“Sometimes I wonder how you even got into this school,” Jiang sighs. “But if I must say it again, our boy hitcher,” Jiang points his thumb at Joseph. “Needs some help with  _ amour.” _ Jiang smiles wickedly.

“I’m pretty sure this school only teaches Latin and not French.”

“Don’t be a smartass, Skov.” Jiang says, giving Skov a  _ ‘look’ _ .

“Sorry, it’s in my genes.” Skov bites back.

Jiang now ignoring Skov, turning his attention towards the other two boys. Swan and Proko.

“We’re going to help Joseph with his confidence slash romance problems and everybody gotta help out,” Jiang says to everyone, and even giving Skov a tiny side glance.

“I don’t have a romance problem you fuck,” Joseph says, glaring at Jiang with a stern face.

Jiang also ignored Joseph.

“Swan will you play the  _ ‘special’ _ someone because your the most intimidating one out of us and Proko help me write things down so Joseph can get an idea of what to say and do.” 

“I didn’t agree to this,” Joseph says in protest, but it goes unnoticed as the three boys get paper and pencils to start writing things down on their mini table.  

Joseph eventually admits defeat, plopping down onto Jiang’s bed. He feels a bit odd with so much attention drawn around him and his ‘ _ romance problems _ .'

As the minutes go by, Skov finally can’t keep being ignored by the others. He forcefully pushes himself between Proko and Jiang to get to the table, stating something to the extent of ‘ _ You guys need my help _ ’ or ‘ _ You’ll just write stupid shit down without my guidance. _ ’

Joseph lets his mind roam as he lays on the firm school fitted dorm bed, thinking about what kind of things Adam like’s. If Joseph was going to the winter dance with Adam, wouldn’t he need to bring something?

_ I seriously don’t understand much about what he likes when I think about it…...   _ Joseph thought as a plague of shame crept into his chest _. I need to do something about that. _

But Joseph wanted to find out more about Adam without him knowing or being obvious about it. The only thing that passed his mind was something that Joseph wasn’t a big fan of doing.

And that was talking to one of his friends.

_ Dick, Lynch, or Casper the friendly ghost. _

None of those threes sounded even remotely enjoyable.

_ Dick and I never saw eye to eye since day one, so it’s best to steer clear of him if I can. And that pale kid? I don’t even know if he goes to this school, he wears an Aglionby uniform so he must be going here.   _

The only person who was probably the closest to Adam was Lynch. And speaking to Lynch wasn’t Joseph’s strongest trait but it seemed like Joseph had to do it if he desired to know more about Adam.

_ God, this is going to be hard….. _

_ But it will be worth it. _

“Joseph, get the fuck out of my bed and let's get this going,” Jiang says, kicking the mattress.

Standing up, Joseph watched as all four boys got up from the mini table to start going through the room to gather many different items. All the things they grabbed only made Joseph feel more worried about what was going to happen.

“Here,” Jiang handed Joseph a piece of paper.

Taking the paper in his hands, Joseph looked over the many lines of words that were scribbled on it. To say the least, he wasn’t too charmed to do any of them.

“I’m not saying any of this,” Joseph says with a deep frown.

“Why not? It’s just some roleplaying dude, it’s not going to kill you if you said some words to Swan slash your ‘bae’.” Jiang states. “Who knows? Maybe Swan will fall for you.”

Joseph glances over to Swan, who shrugs as if even he didn’t know if Jiang words were correct or not. That still didn’t give Joseph a whole lot of encouragement.

“Or your chicken shit and won’t do it,” Skov says as he walks up with two vodka nips in hand.

_ I don’t wanna know where he got those. _

Taking a deep breath in, Joseph looked over the words again.  _ I guess it can’t be that bad. _ He thought to himself.

“ _ Fine _ , Swan get over here,” Joseph says, pointing to the front of himself to where Swan should stand.

Swan steps on over in front of Joseph but turns back to the things the four of the boys found in the dorm, taking a towel and placing on top of his head.

Joseph stares at Swan.

Swan stares back.

“Swan, why the  _ hell _ do you have a towel on your head?”

“It’s hair.” Swan answers simply.

_ I swear to god. _

Joseph lets it go, not wanting to spend any more time on this experiment. Clearing his throat, Joseph begins speaking.

“I’ve been thinking that since we’ve grown so familiar lately, that you would like to go on a date with me,” Joseph ask Swan, feeling ridiculous.

“I would very much like that  _ Joseph _ ,” Swan says, making sure to put extra effort into saying his name.

“Where would you like to go?” Joseph ask.

“Why don’t you pick, surprise me a little.”

“Well, what kind of things do you like? It could give me an idea for the date.”

“Didn’t you say we were growing closer? Do you not have an idea of anything that I might like?”

Joseph slides his gaze over to Jiang, Proko, and Skov. Jiang and Proko give Joseph a thumbs up while Skov just gives him the finger with a grin on his face.

_ Alright just think……. _

“Your right I did say that but you haven’t talked much on personal stuff you might have interest in,” Joseph says, thinking about Adam and how it was true. Adam never talked about what he as a person liked, except that one time with that song.

Then Swan suddenly breaks his usually blank face, scoffing at Joseph with an outraged face.

“ _ What are you talking about? _ I  _ have _ been talking about the things I enjoy! Haven’t you’ve been listening to me at all?” Swan says, sounding awful hurt with that damn towel still perched on his head.

_ Well, this was unexpected. _

“ _ Uh _ , I was thinking about how beautiful you are?” Joseph reads off the paper, not knowing where to go with this conversion.

“Oh! So you just like me as a pretty object? It's that, isn’t it?” Swan says dramatically.

“ _ What _ ? No, no, I was just saying -”

“You’re always thinking with your  _ penis _ Joseph!”

“The fuck Swan? Calm down, dude.” Joseph takes a step back, feeling a little unconformable at how good Swan is acting.

“Calm down?  _ Calm down? _ How could I calm down when you're constantly on my mind. I’m completely stressing out! Look what you’ve done to my hair!” Swan says, snatching off the towel from his head. “I’m going fucking  _ bald _ because of you!”

At this point, Joseph lost it.

Erupting with laughter at the sight of Swan fuming with the towel balled up in his shaking clenched fist. It was too funny not to laugh, Joseph didn’t even know how Swan was keeping up his act.

Joseph also heard the three other boys laughing at the mess in front of them. It was all kinds of laughter. 

Jiang with his laugh that sounded just alike with a jackal’s.

Skov was laughing but it seemed more as if he was dying, having one of those silent laughs that made you nearly cry.

Proko’s laughing was light and hearty, similar to some kind of superhero. Soon even Swan joined into with them. Chuckling at how stupid this whole situation is.

Joseph never imagined he would be in a position like this but now that he thinks about it, he doesn’t regret doing it. 

Not a single bit.

As all of them start to come down from the laughter, they wipe away any tears that held on to the corners of their eyes. Jiang walking up to Joseph and Swan, still trying to quiet down his giggling.

“Come on dudes, let’s get some pizza. You guys  _ obviously _ deserve it.” He says, placing both of his arms over the shoulders of both boys.

 

 

* * *

 

“We’re not going to eat here?” Proko asks Joseph as he holds the boxes of hot pizza in his hands.

“Nah, I’ve got an idea where to eat,” Joseph says with a smirk pressed onto his lips. Unlocking his white Evo, letting everyone climb into it.

Jumping into the driver's seat, Joseph starts up the engine, slowly backing out of the Nino’s parking lot and onto the dark road ahead. 

As he drives through all the main roads, he takes a turn onto a dirt area. A place where he has been many times before, knowing this countryside like the back of his hand by now. He lays his foot gradually on the brakes, bringing the Evo to a gentle stop.

Everyone scales out and into the chilly December air. Joseph leaves the car on, keeping the headlights lit for light.

“Alight this is the only time I’m letting this slide but everyone on the roof,” Joseph says, closing the Evo’s door.

No one argued with that.

All five boys lifted themselves onto the roof of the Evo, trying to keep steady and find some room with all of them on it and the pizza too.

Jiang handed out paper plates and napkins for everyone to place the pizza on, soon everyone was digging in. Conversions of all kinds sprang up, bouncing from one topic to the another, a never-ending string of thoughts. 

As Joseph ate his cheese pizza, he couldn’t help but take in this moment. Looking at everyone talking and laughing about everything and anything. 

How this was his life right now. It felt so unreal, so unimaginable that these people sitting in front of him, that he didn’t know until a few months ago where now his friends. 

How totally fucking crazy that thought was to him.

He couldn’t help but feel a light bubbly sense grow inside of his chest. Allowing it to cover all over his body, almost keeping him warm from the cold.

_ These guys are my friends.  _ Joseph thought as he took another bite off his pizza.

_ My friends. _

How good that sounded to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I gotta say this 'boys will be boys.' Doing stupid shit and having fun while doing it. This chapter was just about fun and I know this story isn't a lot about 'fun' and having a 'good time' but I still have to throw in some good feelings as well.
> 
> Well, I hope y'all liked the group feels. Because I sure always like reading about group friends just hanging out and being themselves.
> 
> Thanks to all the readers and commenters. It does mean so much to see and hear from you guys.
> 
> Anyway, I hope anyone of you guys reading this that you have a great day and remember that things in life can be hard a lot but it's easy when you got people around you to make it less hard and more of an adventure.


	31. I am in the woods, can you find me?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't cut me down, throw me out, leave me here to waste.  
> I once was a man with dignity and grace.  
> Now I'm slipping through the cracks of your cold embrace,  
> So please, please."
> 
> "Could you find a way to let me down slowly?  
> A little sympathy, I hope you can show me.  
> If you wanna go then I'll be so lonely.  
> If you're leaving baby let me down slowly."
> 
> ~Let me down slowly by Alec Benjamin

“ _ Noah _ !” Someone most likely Gansey yelling from the front door.

Ronan took off his clucky headphones that were around his neck, placing them on his bed to walk over to his bedroom door. Opening the door and standing in the doorway, leaning against the frame with his arms crossed over his lean chest. Not long after the yelling, Gansey, Adam, and Blue entered the living area slash Gansey’s room.

But something looked wrong with Gansey and Blue, Adam the only one seeming confused just as Ronan was by the sudden search of their quiet third roommate.

“What’s up?” Ronan asked, staring at Gansey with one eyebrow raised in question. Glancing at Adam who was behind him, who to Ronan’s knowledge was suppose to be at work right about now.

_ It’s not every day that Adam leaves work to come over for a simple talk. Something is off.  _ Ronan thought

“We need to find Noah and talk to him.  _ Now _ .” Gansey answered him. “ _ Noah _ !” Gansey yelled again, looking frazzled.

Ronan watched Gansey tensely as he started to stomp around the living room, looking in areas that Noah or anyone couldn’t be in. Ronan’s eyes then shifted back to the front doorway where Adam and Blue still occupied.

“ _ What’s going on? _ ” Ronan questioned Adam, feeling Chainsaw hops past his feet and out of his room to scope out the noise.

Adam could only give Ronan a weak shrug.

_ That’s nothing good. _

Gansey abruptly stopped probing around the large room, turning quickly towards Ronan’s direction. 

“What’s Noah’s last name, Ronan?” Gansey asked desperation flashing in his friend's eyes. Speaking to Ronan that Gansey was holding onto solid blocks of wax but watching the wax work its way through his palms, reality slipping from his grasp.

Ronan was going to say that Gansey was being entirely fucking strange, asking a question like that? Of course, Ronan knew Noah’s last name…..

But he didn’t.

It was as if the answer was always there for Ronan to have in his consciousness but suddenly now it was lost in the timeline of events and remembrances. It made Ronan's abdomen squeeze with an uneasiness that he hasn't felt in quite some time. 

Ronan hated to doubt his reality.

“I.. I don’t know.” He says quietly, his eyes falling on the shut door of Noah’s bedroom.

“Well, it’s Czerny, Ronan.  _ Noah Czerny. _ ”

Ronan couldn’t even converse himself that he knew that last name.

It was  _ foreign _ .

“Noah, you can’t hide! I know you’re here!” Gansey called out, bending his head far back to yell into the open air above them.

“What kind of gases is The Pig leaking to make you act like this?” Ronan asked, joking to hope to ease everyone’s grave faces or maybe it was to cure the clutching in his chest?

He couldn’t tell.

Gansey marched his way up to Ronan, leveling himself out in front of his friend, his face stern and burning with questions.

“Go look in his room. Go look and tell me anything you see.” Gansey demand.

Ronan was thankful for Adam’s steady movements, him stepping swiftly towards the others room as Ronan’s feet were not compelling with his mind. Opening the room, Adam gazed inside the clean and polished bedroom, nothing out of the normal for Noah’s quarters. 

“There’s nothing in here,” Adam says aloud for everyone to hear him.

“Exactly, now what classes to you two have with Noah? Oh, even better when have you seen Noah  _ eat _ ?  _ Mhm _ ? Never right?”

Ronan didn’t like the questions Gansey was ordering from both of him and Adam. How unfamiliar Gansey’s body language was at this moment. He was firey and rigid, that’s not how Gansey was as a person, he was bright with a thirst for adventure. 

The questions were getting to Ronan.

_ How could he even ask shit like that?  _ Ronan thought, tasting the dangerously intimate spark of anger.

“ _ What’s your damage? _ ” Ronan asked Gansey.

It seemed Gansey understood promptly who he standing in front of, taking a few steps away from Ronan’s taller build and pinching the bridge of his nose in frustration.

The fire in his body seeming to now shake away from his shoulders.

“I’ve spent the whole afternoon in a police station with Blue. We were at the church for more information, anything we could find but we found….... We found a body.” Gansey says, pulling his hand away from his nose to look Ronan dead in the eyes. "A body that was just a skeleton, no flesh, almost no clothes left on him, and do you know who's body that was?" Gansey asked.

Ronan’s tongue was too heavy to even begin moving to form words to answer that type of question. Memories of his father's bloody and mutilated body flickering behind his eyelids as he blinked. He tried his best to kept his eyes open until they stung. 

Abruptly the front door behind Blue crashed shut behind her, sounding to almost breaking the wood. She gasped at the sudden action. All three of the boys heads whipped over to where Blue stood, their breaths stuck in their lungs as they didn’t dare to let out a single word.

“Mine.” A cold somber voice says from the opposing side of the room.

All four of them directed their heads back, gawking at the boy they only knew as Noah. Their friend, their roommate, their  _ ghost _ .

“I told  _ everyone _ ,” Noah says, a sort of betrayal in his echoing voice, he stood not far from where Adam was standing next to the bedroom door but now Adam has moved some ways away from it.

_ He must have jumped and moved away out of instinct.  _

Ronan could see Gansey take in Noah’s shadowy figure, pale and caked in the evening dusk of a setting sun. It made him glow. Gansey’s eyes held a sort of tenderness that made Ronan want to cry.

He couldn’t believe what he was listening too.  _ Noah some type of fucking ghost? You gotta be kidding me? _ Ronan thought.  _ It's just a joke, that’s it. Just a terrible joke. _

But as Ronan gaze lingered longer and longer on Noah next to Adam, it only became more apparent that Gansey was right and it wasn’t some prank. How Noah’s form was foggily hazed compared to Adam’s solid mass.

Ronan couldn’t  _ fucking _ believe it.

He scoffed to himself practically crazed, rubbing a stiff hand over his shaved head trying to obtain some kind of sensible thing to grab hold of because reality was falling away from his feet all over again.  

“And all this time I thought I was being an asshole for keeping you up at night when you didn’t even need to sleep,” Ronan says, more to himself than anyone else in the room.

“How did it happen?” Adam asked softly to Noah, but only for Noah to turn his face away from anyone’s urging gaze. 

“Yes, if you explain to us what happened, we can somehow tell the police. Get them on the path to solve this, to solve who did this to you.” Gansey says but it’s too late the words were already out of his mouth and hovering in the air.

Ronan’s and Adam’s heads both twisted round to gape at Gansey, confusion seizing at both of their shoulders, horror fueling their veins.

“ _ What? _ ” Ronan states towards Gansey but he already heard the words the other boy has vocalized. He merely didn’t want to consider that his ears were right.

Ronan almost wishes he was deaf, he knew how awful that wish was but not hearing anything anymore appeared better than listening to this horror story. 

Gansey was caught, he knew that he needed to tell the truth to the others. He couldn’t keep this between himself and Blue. It wasn’t his right too.

“There is evidence that ……….. he was murdered, in the middle of the woods,” Gansey says, practically saying the words slowly but maybe it was just the importance of them that made time feel sluggish and delayed.

“ _ The woods _ ….” Adam muttered to himself, peering down unwavering at the palms of his hands as if remembering something.

“What kind of evidence?” Ronan deemed, he couldn’t help but need to know, to know how this could’ve happened.

To know what happened to his friend.

“The remains of the skull were smashed in with something……….  _ Large _ .” Gansey says hesitantly.

That bothered Noah, he worked to dip his head further down from everyone’s gazes but something was eerie. His face normally white as a sheet of paper soon turned whiter than bone. His eyes hollowed out that only left black voids that laid where eyes once used to be.

As Ronan's eyes were flicking back and forth between Noah’s figure and everyone else, Chainsaw started to wail. Not just some wail, it was an ill-natured kind of screaming, a screeching of remarkable hysteria. 

He quickly picked her up in his arms, trying to soothe her with his fingers to make her stop the blood-curdling screams. 

“Sorry about her,” Ronan says to Noah.

Noah withdrew apart from everyone, looking fatigued and drained of his regular life but now appearing more organic than a few seconds ago.

“I need……” Noah says before wandering limply into his room, not continuing his sentence.

But as soon as he was entirely into his room, he was gone as if he never was there in the beginning.

That was because he never truly was there.

Ronan set Chainsaw on the floor as he hastily stumbled over to Noah’s room, peering inside the vacant room with no one occupying it.

It hurt Ronan to the core to know that this was the reality. That is was his reality yet again. 

Another murder, another loss of life.

How unfair the world turned around on its steady axis. 

Anger licked at the back of his neck, deep and blistering hot. Ronan didn’t know enough swear words in the world to even begin to express how he feels now. He has always been angry but this was something  _ other _ .

He didn’t want the others to see him as  _ ‘this’ _ uncontrollable beast. It wasn’t their fault he was this way, he knew that it was only himself in the end to blame.

He waited for no one and no one hindered him from marching into his room, it was only Chainsaw who dared to chase behind him. After she was securely in the bedroom, he shut the door firmly.

Than...

Ronan lost it.

He grabbed the first thing his eyes landed on, the old lamp on his nightstand crashed hard to the floor, its glass shattering to a million pieces. It wasn’t enough. He tore everything off his drawers, watching his things fly off and slam into the walls and ground below.

But it wasn’t enough.

He was a tornado throughout his room, not caring what kind of things he broke with his hands, he could always buy new ones. The only things he couldn’t buy was the people he lost.

There was nothing left but the fire burned deep within him, he slammed his fist into his bed, wanting it to break, to bend and disfigure underneath his fury or better yet, break his own fist. To hinder the pain that throbbed inside his heart, to make it stop hurting so severely.

He was so angry.

He was so sad.

He didn’t know what to do but cry into his mattress and hope one day it’ll stop.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, Y'all, I know a lot of this scenes are from the book but I did try to change it up more and I ALSO know that I did a big skip on a few scenes too. But once again, this story is more about Ronan, Adam, and Joseph with the other characters still there but not as prominent as the book but this isn't the book.
> 
> I just wanted to say that.
> 
> Anyway, I hope you guys like this chapter.
> 
> And I think in TRC books I felt that Ronan and Noah kinda had a good bond? Like was that just me? Or? Well, that's why Ronan will be more hit by the news then maybe the others. I'm not saying that the other characters don't care for Noah but Noah was hanging around Ronan when Adam was away at work or home. Gansey having to go home for his family while Ronan stayed there at Monmouth manufacturing.
> 
> I also wanted to say that too.
> 
> I hope when you guys read this your day is better than the one before and that you a wonderful night   
> (❁´▽`❁)*✲ﾟ*


	32. When the paint dries are you still coming home?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Searching for a place.  
> The conversations, well they start to turn,  
> To heal the wounds."
> 
> "Don't fall asleep,  
> Don't fall asleep,  
> We can't afford you to be alone.  
> Don't fall asleep,  
> Don't fall asleep,  
> Don't fall asleep."
> 
> "These dreams and the reality never seemed so refined,  
> Until I awoke to find...  
> That this house is not a home,  
> But something I can not define.  
> How long will it be,  
> Until I turn this key and just walk away,  
> And this I find so unlike me.  
> Seeking the parts that are lost,  
> Never have I felt so deceived."
> 
> ~Becoming closer to closure by Picturesque (acoustic cover of the song by Of Machines)

“What are you doing after this?” Jiang asks Joseph as they make their way through the large school parking lot. 

“I’ve got some plans to help out my ma today, what are you up to?” Joseph asks back, eyeing his Evo not far from where they walk. 

_ Good thing I parked moderately closer this time.  _ Joseph thought to himself. It was well into the month and the weather was already getting within the freezing temperatures. 

“Making sure that Skov doesn’t kill anyone, making double sure that Proko doesn’t fall for the seniors dirty lies again, and finally making triple sure that Swan keeps being the most chill bro around,” Jiang says with a toothy grin.

“However you come in a solid second place of course dude, but Swan comes first solely because I can talk non-stop with him and he doesn’t have to say a single word for hours, it’s great.” He says.

“And we all know how much you love to fucking talk too.” Joseph teases.

“Guilty as all hell.”

Joseph and Jiang swaggered up to his car and gave their goodbyes, traveling their separate ways for the day. As Joseph got into his Evo, he sent a quick text to his mother to let her know he still plans on coming home to help her today. Hitting send, he slides the phone back into his bag, tossing it onto the passenger seat next to him. Pushing his keys into the ignition and firing up the slick car.

He then begins to make his way back home.

 

 

* * *

 

“ _ Mama _ ! I’m back!” Joseph greets out loud as he closes the double doors behind himself. Tugging off his puffy white winter jacket, hanging it on the coat rack while sliding off his shoes before strolling around the home.

It was typically for Joseph's mother not answer from his shouts, he knew where she always hid in the house anyway.  She wasn't ideally an affectation mother towards him but he thought that's why when the moments she did show it, then it only made them so much sweeter for him.

Scaling up the long stairwell, his feet gradually brought him in front of her bedroom door. Tapping his knuckles lightly on the wooden frame, he says an ‘ _ I’m coming in _ ’ before twisting the knob and gently pushing open the door.

“ _ Mama _ ?” Joseph asks, entering the room.

However as his mother’s mood has been slightly better and she hasn’t been using anything harmful, it nevertheless wasn’t enough to get her out of bed in the mornings.

Or evenings.

Or nights.

_ Baby steps, baby steps.  _ Joseph reassured himself.

The room was unbelievably dark, still, as the day was only halfway over the light didn’t find its way into this place. Not with those heavy blackout curtains hanging over the windows.

Joseph’s mother was sitting on the edge of her bed staring aimlessly into the glowing screen of the tv. Her face a dull blank with her heavy-set eyes fixated on nothing in particular. 

“Hey mama,” Joseph says smoothly, sitting himself down next to her. “You still up for a day of fun?” He says with a kind smile laid on his lips.

At first, she doesn’t answer right away, her eyes still looking out into the space that Joseph couldn’t find inside the tv scene.

But this was fine.

There was no rushing today. It was to be him and her having a relaxing day of fun and bonding time. If she wanted to watch tv all day and stay in bed, well he would do it with her. Even bringing up tubs of ice cream to eat while watching one of those sappy movies where the guy dies and the girl lives until she grows old and dies thinking about her long lost lover.

He just wanted to be here for his mother.

“Can you help me paint my nails?” His mother finally says, her voice sounding tired and hoarse but nonetheless it was  _ her _ voice.

Joseph couldn’t help but let his smile grow deeper over his features, nodding his head then standing from his seat to go into her bathroom to get the nail polishes and files.

“But don’t blame me when I do a terrible job.” He says playfully while carrying a giant plastic bowl as he shuffles back into the room. Placing the bowl on the bed as he walks over to the curtains.

“I do need some light to at least see your hands though, is it okay if I open these?” Joseph asks, holding the thick fabric in his hands.

His mother hesitates but soon shes nodding her head in agreement. Getting the green flag from her, Joseph pulls the curtains merely far enough to have some light shine into the dim room.

Turning around and blooping himself back down on the bed, he grabs the plastic bowl and pulls out some nail files and clippers. His mother lends him her delicate hands, letting him clean and clip them to be not so long anymore. After filing them to a smooth finish he draws the bowl over to himself again.

“What colors do you want?” 

His mother gazes over the many different colors of nail polish. When they first moved to Henrietta, he always saw her painting her nails, most likely to past the time. Distracting her mind on something other than the problems that plagued them.

But the moments of painting nails to past the time for her didn’t last long. As her colorful nails chipped and faded away, her desire to find meaning in anything also faded from her hands. Losing the fight that she’s been struggling with since before he was born.

As Joseph was partying and dulling his own emotions, she was falling away from the world she tried desperately to make for herself.

However, now is a new day and he aspired to help her regain the world and life that would make her happy. To make her giggle, smile, and believe that there is something here for her to stay for.

That  _ he _ was here for her.

“What color do you think would look nice?” She proposes to him, thumbing through the numerous shades. Joseph didn’t know what color to choose, all the various tones seemed to be ‘ _ okay’ _ but nothing too extraordinary to him.

And as he was burrowing further and further down into the bowl, he found it. A color that couldn’t be ignored so easily like the others.  How even has he pick it up with his fingers the color itself changed slightly, somehow at different points it shined a new but still retaining the tint of cool blue it had in it.

It was ironic, to say the least to Joseph. How the longer he stared at this nail polishes glass bottle, that the color was not from something.

But from  _ someone _ .

It reminded him of the dusking sunset lowering its glowing violet embers onto Adam’s beautiful blue eyes. How it was wintertime snow with the morning illuminating sunrises. 

It made Joseph want to paint his own nails, keeping the dazzling color on himself to gaze upon it at any time if he wanted to recalled of how fortunate he is to know Adam and yet, also appreciate the value Adam had to him. 

“How about this one?” He asks, showing the small glass bottle to his mother. She gently plucked it from his fingers, looking it over in her palms.

“What made you pick this one?” She asks, still gazing against the tiny glass container in her hands.

“It reminded me of someone,” Joseph replies fondly.

“They must be someone quite special for you to choose this color for me to wear.” She says, handing back the nail polish. 

He couldn’t help but think he drove right into that one, heat rushing to his cheeks as he tries to casually untwist the polishes top while taking his mother’s hand again.

The repeating pattern of putting the strong paint onto his mother’s nails was calming in a strange way. Time passes faster than he thought it was because as soon as he was done with one of his mother's hands, it was already getting dark outside.

He pulled back to stand from his seat, walking over to the nightstand to turn it on the dimmest light set for her. Then turning back and sitting back down onto the bed, he took his mother’s other hand to finish painting.

As he painted, his mother spoke up.

“You’re getting older.” She stated.

He couldn’t help but chuckle a little, he was getting older. It was something he didn’t think would ever happen to him.

“Yeah, now if only I could grow an amazing beard, then I’ll be set for life.”

It was unexpected to see a tiny genuine smile appear on his mother’s lips. It made him feel like he was finally doing something right for her once.

He finished up painting her nails, screwing the cap back onto the bottle and placing it back into the plastic bowl. Joseph was only waiting for her nails to dry to ask what else she wanted to do next but she spoke up first again.

“Are you going to forget about me when you get older? When you move out and start your own life?” She asks him, her head hanging low and shoulders slumped.

“ _ Me _ ? Forgetting about  _ you _ ? That’s literally impossible mama.” He says, setting the bowl aside of himself. “I couldn’t forget about you even if I wanted too. You are one of the strongest people I know, how could I possibly forget someone who protected me for most of my life?” Joseph says, lightly touching the skin of her wrist.

“I’m not strong Joseph, we both know this. Look at where we are, this isn’t being strong. It’s being a coward. I’m running because I am a coward and can’t handle anything.” She says, shaking her head tiredly.

“I only run and hide until I have to do it all over repeatedly.” Her voice breaking. “I am the opposite of strong.”

Joseph moves closer to her slim frame, how with age she’s gotta so frail, at times he’s scared he could break her with a single touch.

“But you know, running was the only thing we had left mama. It was the just the thing you could do with me on your back. You didn’t have a chance or time to think things out.” Joseph says, touching her shoulder. “You did the right thing in the end. And that was helping yourself and helping me. That's what makes you strong, you survived, your living right here and right now." He says, taking a shaky breath in.

“Your breathing and that makes every second of your being  _ strong _ . Because in my heart,” He pauses.“You are  _ my hero. _ ”

Joseph could feel his emotions start to squeeze his throat taut, how every time he felt such feeling it always went to his throat before his eyes.  

He wasn’t expecting his mother to turn towards him, her emerald eyes filled with tears that fell down her cheeks, leaving tiny water stains down her elegant face. It seemed like she didn’t know what to do, lifting her arms as if to touch him but not yet doing anything with them.

“It’s okay,” He whispered softly as he hugged her himself. Soon her arms were around his shoulders, holding onto him as if he would disappear if she let him go.

“But it’s never ‘ _ okay’  _ for long.” She says, her voice muffled as she buried her face in his shoulder more. He could feel her tears fall on him and stain his shirt.

“It’s okay now mama.” He smoothed her. “It’s okay  _ now _ .”

He laid a hand on her head, easing down her long hair as the embrace lingered on. He couldn't remember how nice it was to hug his mother. How long has it been since they held each other? He didn’t know the answer nor did he care.

Because now, he was going to protect her like she did for him.

_ No matter what. _

 

_ [Link for nail polish color](https://www.amazon.com/dp/B016NCLDE0/ref=cm_wl_huc_continue) _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So If Y'all wanted to know what the color of that nail polish then I'll leave a link to it at the end of the chapter. But anyway, this is a mother and son bonding chapter! I hope you guys don't think it was too boring (*ﾟ∀ﾟ*)
> 
> Anyway, I hope to anyone reading this that their day is filled with laughter and smiles because you deserve that much in this world (*´ω｀*)
> 
> Thanks for always reading!


	33. Sons of hurtful men

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Don't ask me, don't tell me.  
> What it is 'cause it is what it is.  
> Don't push me, don't kill me.  
> What it is 'cause it is what it is.  
> Don't run from where you come from,  
> 'Cause it is what it is.  
> And I, I..."
> 
> "But it is what it is.  
> You don't know how to live with what it is.  
> But it is what it is,  
> It may seem impossible.  
> But I will embrace who I really am.  
> If it's a son of a bitch or a terrified kid,  
> Then that's what it is."
> 
> ~What it is by Jonathan Davis

It was a Wednesday evening in class when Joseph caught a glimpse of heavy set bags hanging low underneath Adam’s eyes, seeming deeper than usual.

It disturbed Joseph to no end.

He knew that Adam had been working more frequently to pay for his ticket and suit for this Friday’s winter dance but understanding that, only made Joseph’s guilt run harder through his sober mind.

His system and nerves were still trying to get used to having nothing to grab onto, nothing to get him high. It was exhausting, his sleep patterns were terrible ( _how could they even get any severer than it already was?_ ), leaving him up at all hours and tired every single day.

But it was worth it.

Yet, as Adam not being able to hang around Joseph much, he nevertheless sat and left his bag on a seat for Joseph for lunch. Leaving Joseph room to chat and listen to Adam when he was stressed over everything. It also made meeting Swan, Skov, Jiang, and Proko less overwhelming for the boy when all four of them had food in their mouths.

Dick and Lynch were still going to school with Adam but at least Lynch was gone before lunch was uttered. Leaving Joseph to not glare back at the boy on the other side of the lunch table while also kicking Skov in the shin when he tries to ask what is wrong with Dick’s face.

However, it was surprising that Dick was somewhat warming up to Joseph. The glares didn’t come as frequently anymore, hell even when Joseph would crack a joke he could almost see the smallest of smiles on Dick’s smug face.

Joseph thought he was doing pretty well.

But right now, he was hyper-focused on Adam’s stiff shoulders and glazed eyes.

Tasting the artificial tang at the end of his pencil, Joseph made a mental note to talk to Adam at the end of the class because waiting for lunch was way too long for him to give Adam his dream thing. It was only half-way over for the second period and lunch wasn’t until after the third period.

 _I only hope that he enjoys it at least._ Joseph pondered to himself, taking the pencil out of his mouth to start writing down notes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The bell finally rings to sound off the end of the second period, making every student in their seat get up loudly and already making their way to their next class.

Adam is also one of these students, he has no time to waste lingering around when he still had another class to catch in three minutes. Putting his belongs in his bag, he got up and wandered out the classroom door, feeling his every movement ache his youthful physique.

The past days working have made Adam become unbelievably tired, Adam was used to working yes, but all the stress was getting to him.

Ronan was being more vacant than ever, hardly talking to anyone but Adam could imagine that’s how he mourns. Gansey, on the other hand, was the sole one appearing to be calm with the whole situation of Noah being dead. Adam thought that maybe knowing facts were the only things that Gansey could grab hold of.

And Adam hasn’t seen Blue enough to know how she’s doing.

He hopes that she’s doing seemingly well. Noah was found of Blue and her sassy attitude and wild hair, plus she appeared the same way towards him.

As Adam was making his way through the hallways of slow-walking students, he felt a poke on the shoulder, turning his head, he saw Joseph with a weary smile on his face.

“Can I talk to you real quick?” Joseph says “I’ll make sure you’ll get to the next class, don’t worry.” He smiles warmly, knowing that Adam was constantly concerned about his studies.

“Yeah,” Adam says, following Joseph down towards a hallway that was barely used anymore because of the endless repairs it had on it. The lights were off and all the classroom doors littering its sides were equally as shadowy, giving it an eerie feel to it as both boys walked down it, away from the pleasantly lit up halls.

Taking another turn throughout a corner, Joseph stopped in his tracks when he was a few steps in front of Adam. Wheeling around to face Adam, Joseph’s face was hauntingly elegant in the lighting surrounding them. Giving extra darkness to his hollowed out cheekbones against his sallow skin, his earthly green eyes giving a new meaning to the word sin.

“You look tired,” Joseph says, bounding his backpack slightly to keep it on his shoulder.

“I am tired,” Adam replies.

“Alright, not the best way to start this conversation but I wanted to know why do you _look_ and _feel_ so tired?”

“It’s been a long week that’s all,” Adam says, tilting his head down as he feels his eyes start to sting from the lack of sleep, a migraine most likely to be coming shortly.

Joseph observed Adam, his eyes must be burning holes into Adam’s forehead because Adam could definitely fell him doing it.

Adam was afraid that Joseph might bring up his father’s death. Maybe asking if that what was bothering Adam, well it was part of the stress but not all of it.

The guilt that Adam first felt was slowly fading as the months went by. Adam knew what he did, he understood fully of what he did and yet now looking back at it, he didn’t regret it.

Adam thought ironically about the Trolly dilemma.

But instead of one and five people, it was Joseph, someone Adam knew at the time as a selfish child who at to no end would bully him. And on the other end, was a man who Adam had no quarrel with, he didn’t even know the man's name.

Yet, he shot the man dead.

Quite similar to the Trolly dilemma, he pulled the lever to save a boy he hardly liked but knew.

However, Adam is selfish himself.

Staring at Joseph on his knees with that gun pressed to his scalp, giving up and accepting his fate reminded Adam of too many repeating circumstances of himself with his own father.

How a parent who is supposed to encourage, mend, and care for you can do something so horrific to their own child is unspeakable. But, it happens. It happens every single day to so many kids and it’s unfair. It's so unfair that just thinking about it boils Adam’s blood as if someone was lighting a match within him.

And as he saw Joseph on that cryptic night, when that day was supposed to end words, sensations, love, prayer, for everything……..

He snapped and did not think twice when he shot Joseph’s father in the head. Watching the man’s body fall to the floor almost gave Adam a sick feeling of comfort and freedom.

He knew he had no right to feel that way by taking another person’s life.

He understands that.

But he doesn’t regret it and let him be put on trial and sent to jail for his actions if anyone finds out but in the very end, he won’t regret it.

And as he looks into Joseph’s eyes, he still doesn’t.

“ _Really_ , I'm fine. Sleep hasn’t been my friend lately and work is tiring, as usual, that’s all.” Adam states, feeling the skin around his mouth tug upwards.

“You know,” Joseph begins. “I once heard a very intelligent man say ‘ _you don’t have to do everything alone_ ’. I think he was right with those words.” he says, a smirk forming on his lips.

Adam felt his chest swell as if he was taking a breath of fresh air on a spring evening, he thought he could smell the newly blossomed flowers that swayed in the wind.

He couldn’t possibly stop the smile growing on his tired face.

“Well, _I_ heard he has a pretty handsome bad boy hanging around him lately, you know slick white car, mysterious backstory. The whole package.” Adam told him casually.

Joseph turned his head way in embarrassment but that didn’t stop Adam from seeing the bold blush that covered the boy’s whole face.

“Yeah, whatever.” He says shyly. “Come on, I don’t want you to be late for class.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Where you going?” Proko asks Joseph, seeing that Joseph was tuning the opposite way away from the lunch room.

“Oh, I’m just gonna give something to someone but don’t worry, I’ll be back soon to entertain you all so you guys won't be bored to death without me,” Joseph says back.

“You sound like Jiang with each passing day.”

“You don’t mean that.” Joseph almost gasped at the thought of being like Jiang.

“Maybe I do, maybe I don’t but you’ll never know,” Proko says.

“ _Wow_ , and I’m acting like Jiang? You sounded just like Skov right there.” Joseph pointed at Proko, making the other boy look very upset at the assumption.

But before Proko could get another jab at him, he was already strolling down the busy hallway towards where Adam’s class was. Feeling a bit of nervousness shake through his body with each step closer to the classroom.

Clutching his bag closer to himself.

Only hoping that Adam would like what’s inside of it.

 

 

* * *

 

 

_Joseph found himself in the lush forest area again in his dream this night. Laying on the soft grass, stretching out his limbs before sitting up to take in the view._

_The land was warm with a refreshing breeze blowing over the trees and flowers. It made Joseph want to stay here a tad longer than normal but he knew that it wasn’t real here. He didn’t know what it was actually but he knew that the real people he loved were outside of this world._

_Of course, he knew that he could dream up people here as well but that didn’t determine they were indeed the same as their outside counterparts._

_They would only be what Joseph’s mind made them out to be._

_And that doesn’t make them the same in the end._

_As Joseph sat on the grass he started to hear something, he didn’t think it was anyone running around here but it sounded like the breeze was …… speaking?_

_“Lautus es.” The trees whispered softly to him._

_Ah, it’s the trees again. Joseph thought as he stood up._

_“Thanks, I’ve been trying to get better,” Joseph spoke, feeling a bit shameful that the trees always knew what Joseph was doing outside of his dreams._

_“An illud quod de magi?”_

_“Magician? You mean Adam?” Joseph asks, feeling confused about why the trees would call Adam something like that._

_“Ita et magi.” The trees spoke._

_Joseph was completely lost on why the trees were referring to Adam as a magician. It didn’t make any sense but when did the trees ever make sense in the first place?_

_“Uh, yeah, he’s part of why I want to get clean.”_

_“Have vos ostensum est verum tuae magi afficiuntur?” The trees ask Joseph, leaving him feeling bashful with the sudden question._

_“No, I don’t want to mess it up by showing him how I feel. I want to give him a gift but I don’t know what yet.” Joseph says, shrugging his shoulders. “Do you guys know anything that he might like? Since it seems like you know something about him.”_

_“Amor est simplicior melodiam, factorem iuvenis somnium.”_

_“What? That doesn’t make ………. Wait a second!” Joseph says, suddenly coming up with a gift idea that could perhaps (hopefully) be excellent for Adam._

_Hurring to lay back down on the ground to wake up, Joseph sat up for a second._

_“Thanks, trees, probably wouldn’t have thought of this without your riddling ways guys.” He says, before closing his eyes and trying to grasp awakeness to start with making Adam’s present._

___ But before Joseph awoke from the forest, he heard the trees whisper tenderly to him. _

_ “Sana unum agit cum fame pereo inamorato.” _

_He had a lot of searching to do ahead of him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> SOOOOOOOO here we are! So close to the winter dance! (((o(*ﾟ▽ﾟ*)o))) Are you guys excited? I do want to say I am actually excited myself to write this part of the story even so if............ things ;)
> 
> But if you guys have never heard of the Trolly dilemma, you've might have seen some old memes about it.
> 
> And to all who don't know Latin, I'll write what the trees said in this column.  
> First line: 'You are cleaner.' 'Is it because of the magician?' 'Yes, the magician.' 'Have you shown your true emotions to the magician?' 'Love is a simple melody, young dream maker.' 'Heal in unison with your starving male lover.'
> 
> And there you go! That's what the trees said to Joseph and anyway! I hope Y'all liked this chapter and thought it was a chill to read. Have a nice day or night or evening wherever you stay! (ง ´͈౪`͈)ว


	34. Can you read what's happening?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Maybe I know, somewhere,  
> Deep in my soul, that love never lasts.  
> And we've got to find other ways,  
> To make it alone, but keep a straight face.  
> And I've always lived like this,  
> Keeping a comfortable distance.  
> And up until now, I had sworn to myself,  
> That I'm content with loneliness.  
> Because none of it was ever worth the risk."
> 
> "Well, you are the only exception.  
> You are the only exception,  
> You are the only exception,  
> You are the only exception."
> 
> ~The only exception By Paramore

_ Where the hell is he? _ Joseph thought as he moved through the hallway, trying to find Adam before lunch.

_ He can’t be that fast on those legs of his. _

_ Maybe he went to the bathroom?  _ Joseph considered carefully, trying to imagine where the boy would have gone after his class.

_ Oh, wait, he would’ve gone to his locker, of course, wow I can’t believe I’m being this anxious that I wouldn’t think of that in the first place. _

Joseph remembered what he had in his backpack and what he intended to do with it. He was merely worried that Adam would consider it to be stupid as all hell and not dig it.

It took Joseph forever to learn how to record music onto that cassette tape. It was harder to find music that he believed Adam might even somewhat preferred to listen too.

Simply finding someone ten songs just by going off of one song that they liked was some tough shit to do. 

But Joseph got it done, and now he merely has to give it to Adam.

Simple,  _ right _ ?

Joseph didn’t think so much.

He’s never done anything like this before…… Well, giving your family gifts as a kid is different than giving someone you have feelings for something.

And that feeling made Joseph’s whole body buzz with energy that he hasn’t felt before with anyone. It made his head dopey and heavy while making his heart bloom like a rose in the middle of winter. 

It made him feel as if anything was possible with Adam.

Joseph shuffled towards the area where Adam’s lock was, with his long legs Joseph was closer than he assumed he was. Seeing the other boy packing away books only to shove the next classes notebooks and textbooks into his bag.

Sliding up and leaning against the other locker beside Adam’s, Joseph smiled as he watched Adam cross off a day on the calendar inside of his locker. Eyeing that on the twenty-first date, was all highlighted with a purple marker. 

Joseph thought it was super corny of Adam to do but he liked seeing it there. That Adam took the tiniest of gestures and made Joseph’s knees weak with happiest.

Putting the cap back on the marker, Adam pushed the locker closed and turned to Joseph.

“Missed me already?”

_ You have no fucking idea.  _ Joseph thought as he saw the smirk on Adam’s slender lips.

“Just wanted to make sure you didn’t get lost on the way to lunch.” Joseph teased, being fully aware that Adam knew Aglionby like the back of his own hand.

“Sounds a lot like an excuse to see me.”

“Maybe it is,” Joseph states.

“Maybe it is,” Adam repeated after him.

They stood together there next to Adam’s locker watching each other, the world is insignificant to both of them as their gazes lingered on one another, busy students hungry for lunch and teachers hurrying to get another coffee fix fell into the background. 

It felt as if they were almost alone in that hallway.

_ Alright, this is it.  _ Joseph thought, amping himself up to give the cassette tape to Adam.

“So, I actually wanted to-” Joseph began saying but stopped his mouth from moving as he saw Dick glid up beside Adam.

This is exactly one of the reasons Joseph didn’t like Dick. The guy was oblivious to so many situations running on around him. 

“Adam, could I speak with you?” Dick asked Adam as if Joseph wasn’t already trying to speak with him.

“I think Joseph was-”

“ _ No _ , no, it’s alright.”Joseph began, putting a hand up to stop Adam from saying any more. “Go on ahead, I’ll join up with you later, yeah?”

_ Maybe this isn’t the right moment I suppose, I’ll just have to do it another time.  _ Joseph thought to himself, his eyes than scanning the chaotic halls.

He wanted it to be special when he gave Adam the cassette tape and rethinking it now, it wasn’t particularly appropriate to do it in their school hall.

Adam had an apologetic smile on his profile and Joseph knew that he was apologizing for Dick bounding in when he was speaking but it was alright with him. There was the winter dance this Friday and that would be enough time alone with Adam.

Turning around and heading towards the cafeteria, Joseph remembered he had to get his suit soon. He had it fitted almost the same week Adam said yes to him on that grassy front yard with dried blood on his bruised knuckles.

You could say Joseph was pretty excited about it.

And as Joseph entered the lunchroom, spotting the rest of his gang on their regular seats, an idea came to Joseph.

_ I’ll give him the tape at the dance. _

_ That’ll be really fucking special. _

 

 

* * *

 

“What did you need to speak about?” Adam asks Gansey, wondering why he couldn’t easily wait until he drove both of them to Monmouth after classes were completed.

“I was going to ask if you could watch over Ronan on Friday, we have the day off from school and I’ll be gone early in the morning to see my mother for her birthday,” Gansey remarks.

Adam felt his stomach tensed with every word out of his friend’s mouth.

“Why does Ronan need to be watched over?” He asked, worriedly.

The only other time Ronan needed to be watched over was when he was in the hospital care for the suicide attempt, and even after that Gansey wouldn’t let him out of his slight for quite some time.

Scared for his friend that lost both parents, one by a brutal death and the other in deep paralyzing sleep. 

And losing his childhood home on the same day.

Adam was an outsider at that time, newly friended to Gansey and could only watch from afar but he saw Ronan, he saw the anger and lose in his eyes.

Because he saw the similar dead look in his own eyes when he stared into the mirror.

He and Ronan had far more in common then Adam will ever tell anyone.

He didn’t need to be watched over like Ronan.

Adam was fine.

“With everything that has been going on, I only want to make sure that he doesn’t do anything unreasonable while I’m away,” Gansey says. “And with you there at Monmouth he’ll have someone to talk to.”

Adam thought it was a bit funny that Gansey thought Ronan was going to speak to anyone about his personal feelings.

Ronan was good with  _ actions _ .

Not  _ words _ .

“When will you be back?” Adam questioned, worry held him as he bit at his lower lip, wondering what he would need to choose between watching over Ronan and going to the dance with Joseph.

“Are you working that night?”

“Uh, no. I have plans to go somewhere on Friday night…”

“Oh,” Gansey says, looking bewildered on whatever event Adam had planned on rather than hanging out with him and everyone else as per usual.

And as Gansey’s brain started to work and turn its gears, the surprised face Gansey suddenly wore told Adam that Gansey now knew what Adam has been working overtime for, all the long-drawn hours at all his jobs and tired discussions they had about what was going on in Cabeswater.

“I didn’t know.” Gansey could only say in shock.

“I didn’t tell you.” Adam says, feeling a bit guilty about not telling the other about his ‘ _ secret’ _ date to the winter dance.

“Well,” Gansey begins. “I don’t plan on lingering too long for the birthday party, I still want to do more digging throughout Cabeswater. I’ll come back before the dance rises. I promise you that.” He smiles vividly.

One of Gansey’s best qualities was that he kept his promises.

Something Adam only wished that he could do.

“Come on, let’s head to lunch and sit in your favorite spot,” Gansey says cheekily.

And for a split second, Adam thought that Gansey was talking about Joseph.

Adam’s faced  _ burned _ .

 

 

* * *

 

“Fuck it’s cold,” Joseph muttered to himself as he walked into the shop.

“Well, maybe you should’ve worn a warmer jacket and not a hoodie asshole,” Jiang says, stepping in behind Joseph with the rest of the group.

“I wasn’t even talking to you.”

“And yet, I still heard it.”

Joseph could only roll his eyes at the other boy.

But they weren’t here to pick small fights with each other, no. They came to this little shop outside of Henrietta to pick up their suits for the dance.

“This is still stupid,” Skov complained.

Skov didn’t do  _ dances _ for reason that none of them knew of but Joseph believed it was because Skov hated to be in public any longer than he had to be. Joseph once heard Skov saying that ‘ _ people like to stare. Well, I like to fight. It’s not a great combination if I don't want to get kicked out of this school and sent back to my father _ .’

He was also drunk when he said that too, so Joseph could only think of how much of that was true.

“We didn’t force you to come,” Jiang says to Skov.

And with that, Skov sulks in the back of their group but without saying some curses under his breath.

Joseph wheels around towards the corner but it appears as Swan was already beating most of them to get his suit ready and wrapped up. Joseph caught a glimpse of Swan's outfit, its color was a deep dark purple, the same color as a stormy day into the twilight of the night.

The fabric looked like satin.

Joseph walked up when Swan moved aside from the countertop after he got his suit, Joseph leaned over the counter, speaking clearly for the shop owner to hear him.

“Pick up for Kavinsky.”

“Give me a second.” The owner replied before stepping off into the back of the room. A few moments pass and the man is back with Joseph’s suit, holding it carefully in both of his hands then putting it delicately into a plastic covering.

“Thanks,” Joseph says taking the plastic wrap from the owner.

Joseph stands off to the side with Swan and Skov as Jiang and Proko both get their outfits protected with the plastic covering. 

Soon as everyone has their clothes, they all go back into the freezing cold and into Joseph’s Evo, all suits laid nicely in the tuck to make sure that nothing gets messed with. 

Turning the car on and driving out of the paved parking lot, Joseph stayed silent as the others chatted among themselves. His mind was somewhere else in those seconds. Reflecting on how he felt, how he felt about himself, about life, about school, his friends, his mother, and finally how he felt about Adam.

It seemed pretty crazy that how someone could change another person in a few months.

How it unraveled Joseph to the most profoundest of cores and widest of sensations.

That right in these moments, he was the best version of himself he had ever been in his entire life.

It was because of Adam that Joseph was buying a suit in the middle of December with his newly formed friends.

It was because of Adam that he sobered up and started to want to change for the better and face his fears.

It was because of Adam that Joseph wanted to  _ something _ with his life.

It was because Adam was the only exception.

_ That kid sure knows how to make a guy fall hard. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's pretty late and I just finished writing this so Ima go to bed because I gotta wake up in the morning to go to an appointment.
> 
> But I hope you guy's like this chapter! Even if it's kinda sleep fueled!


	35. The beginning of the end

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "If you hold my hand and take me where you go,  
> I'll show you the side that no one knows."
> 
> "I'm taking you there,  
> I'm taking you there."
> 
> "If scars are for the living,  
> Then I could be forgiven.  
> And everything you need,  
> I could give you.  
> If scars are for the living,  
> Then I could be forgiven.  
> And everything you have,  
> I take too."
> 
> ~Taking you there by Broods (Live cover)

Today was  _ the _ day.

Friday the twenty-first.

The day of the winter dance.

But right now, Adam sat at Gansey desk while thinking about the neatly folded suit that was safely tucked away into his backpack beside him. The dance wasn’t going to start until nine o'clock tonight, giving Adam enough time to spare and get ready on his own.

But he was nervous. 

He was nervous about a lot of things, as the second turned to minutes and the minutes slowly turned into hours, his mind made list after list of things that made his anxiety rise with every  _ pro _ .

Nevertheless, Adam was thrilled to finally get to go to the dance together with Joseph.

Yet, with his thrilled emotions ongoing, he didn’t know if the school would support two student boys dancing together. Adam has heard of many schoolhouses turning away students for bringing a date that was the same gender as them.

Adam could only hope that Aglionby Academy was a little more open-minded than the others. And that was merely one problem amongst many other problems that could occur tonight.

But, Adam had faith in the goodness of people.

Or maybe more in Joseph to know how to handle people with his bare hands and loud unmerciful words.

Adam simply wanted the night to be fun and easy going, no scenes and no fights. That’s all he wanted from today.

Well, maybe not  _ all _ .

He was wondering what Joseph was going to say to him on Wednesday, leaving him curious on what it could be. Even as Adam cornered the other, Joseph only told him ‘ _ you gotta wait until the dance! _ ’ saying with a toothy grin on his handsome features left Adam feeling a bit giddy.

He really wanted to know what it was.

As that thought was passing his mind, Adam felt the temperature in the room drop colder than it already was. Suddenly smelling a familiar mixture of sunflowers and damp rain linger around him.

“Noah?” Adam says aloud in the empty room.

“Are you here or off ghosting around Gansey and his family?” He teased a bit, hoping to lighten the melancholic feeling tightening in his chest.

He was meant by stillness. 

Adam felt sorry for his bad humor.

“Noah, could we somehow fix it. You? Whatever made you this was way instead of what you were like before all of ‘this’.” Adam gestured to anything and everything.

Adam sprang out of his chair as the sudden crash of the mint planet on Gansey’s table was driven off. The moist soil blending in with the shattered pot laying now on the floor.

“Being destructive isn’t going to help you, I thought you knew better than to pick up bad habits from Ronan,” Adam says, glaring around the room.

And as the quietness of the room was becoming more natural and less hauntingly, a bang came from the front door.

“ _ Gansey _ !”

Soley on the demand of his friend and the absurd banging, Adam knew who it was. 

Sighing, Adam stood from his chair and walked to the front door, opening it to be faced to face with Ronan’s older brother Declan.

“Hello, Declan.”

“May I speak to Gansey?” Declan says harshly.

“He’s not here right now.”

“Oh, come on. This isn’t some voicemail message left on his phone.” 

“Well, maybe you should’ve called him in the first place because he’s at his family’s home for his mother’s birthday,” Adam says, trying not to hiss through his teeth at the assumption of being a liar.

He had much better things to lie about than this.

“Then, where’s my brother?”

“Here but surely not wanting to talk to you.”

“How  _ rich _ ,” Declan says sarcastically before trying to walk past Adam into the living room. 

But before Declan could, Adam put up his arm to block off Declan from entering. Declan was older than Adam of course, but Adam does laborious work every day of his life, giving him a lean muscled body.

“What I was trying to say was,” Adam began. “Now isn’t such a great time for either of you two to be talking together without Gansey himself here.”

Declan was certainly pressing his luck with Adam, the older boy hadn’t stepped back and away from Adam’s blocking arm. Only pushing his chest further into Adam’s forearm with every second that slipped by them. 

Adam didn’t like how Declan was trying to get his way, Adam already knew that Ronan’s brother was this way but with  _ Adam _ ? It hasn’t happened like this before.

With Ronan going through mourning and most possibly have been drinking, just adding a bad mixture of fuming Declan and there will undoubtedly be a fight to happen.

“You aren’t going to fight me, are you Declan?” Adam asked, leaning closer to the other. 

“I thought you said that you were better than him?”

It was almost enchanting how fast Declan stepped away from Adam’s arm when he spoke those words.

It truly does show you what words can do to a person.

As Declan stood back from him, he leveled with Adam for a split second. Staring at the boy in front of him, his harsh lines on his features making him seem older than he really is. Eventually noticing there was no wiggle room to get Adam to sway, Declan pulled out an envelope from his jacket pocket.

“He’s getting kicked out of Aglionby,” He huffed. “And Gansey said, even  _ promised _ me that Ronan would improve his grades. Well, guess what happened? It didn’t happen.” Declan states while shoving the envelope towards Adam.

“Gansey has admittedly let me down and now he’s gotten my own brother kick out, so make certain he knows that when he finally chooses to return from the land of paradise.” 

Adam was about done with this whole conversation.

“Oh, Ronan did that all to himself without Gansey or you tugging on him like a piece of rope. Maybe, one day you’ll see that Ronan alone can only decide on what he wants to do for himself in the end. But till that day comes, your both wasting your  _ ‘precious’ _ time.” Adam says as he takes the envelope and folds it.

The overwhelming urge to not show the letter to Gansey was tempting in a way, less stress on everyone especially with this madness going on with Noah and Cabeswater but Adam knew he couldn’t do that.

“I’ll make sure that he gets the message,” Adam says, already tasting his father’s angry on the back of his tongue.

“He’ll be moving out,” Declan deems. “Gansey knows what he promised, no Aglionby, no Monmouth.”

_ You’ll have a better time killing him than making him live with you. _ Adam thought about saying but held his mouth shut and smiled tightly.

“I’ll reply the message.”

And with that, Declan proceeded to move downstairs and out of Monmouth factory. Leaving Adam with the letter in his hands and the vulgar taste growing larger and larger in his mouth.

He hated that fucking taste.

 

 

* * *

 

Ronan was walking to the mini fridge to get another beer when he heard a knock coming from the front doorway. Usually, Ronan would disregard it and leave someone else to handle it but Adam was sleeping at Gansey desk and Gansey wasn’t there to get it.

And Noah is dead.

Therefore, leaving Ronan to be the one to get the door, unless he waited long enough for the knocking to wake up Adam but Ronan saw the bags under his friend’s eye sockets. 

He knew how much Adam worked.

Quietly sprinting towards the door while trying not to fall over anything, Ronan answered the door, revealing Blue with her crazy hair and many layers of overlapping sweaters.

Blue always reminded Ronan of a bird but he could never figure out which one she was.

“You guys weren’t waitin-”

“ _ Shhhhhhhh _ ,” Ronan shushes her, pressing a single finger to his own lips to give her the suggestion to be rather quiet. 

Ronan signals for her to come in, she hesitantly moves into the living area slash Gansey’s bedroom. Ronan closes the door as softly as he could before turning around to see Blue standing a little awkwardly in the middle of the room, probably not knowing what to do or where to sit.

With no real alternative, Ronan walks past her towards his own room, stopping at his doorway to wave her over to follow him. Blue takes a swift glance across the room where Adam sits, who somehow is sleeping soundly on the stiff wooden desk.

_ Only Adam.  _ Ronan thought to himself.

Blue got the clue to leave Adam to sleep and followed Ronan into his room. Ronan than closed his door and turned around to see Blue in the same awkward standing pose. It took him a moment to realize that she’s never been in his room and that it was  _ his _ room too.

“ _ Uh _ ... You can sit anywhere you want.” Ronan tells her, not knowing what to do now that she’s away from the sleeping boy outside his room.

Blue naturally looks around the garbage hemp that is Ronan’s bedroom, littered with clothes, beer cans, music CD’s, and so many different books that ran from ‘ _ The secret language of flowers _ ’ to a book called ‘ _ Playing well with others _ .’

But Ronan couldn’t find himself to care much on what Blue thought of his destroyed bedroom if she wanted to leave she could at any time.

Sitting back down on his bed, Ronan starts makes a clicking sound, soon a pricked up Chainsaw comes out of absolutely nowhere and flaps her small wings wearily over to him. She craws at him until he picks her up and places her on the bed.

Blue then decides that the bed is probably the safest place to take a seat. As she sits herself down, Chainsaw hops over to the other, tilting her black head in curiosity but doesn’t get close enough for Blue to touch her.

It didn’t seem like Blue wanted to touch her anyway.

“Where’s Gansey?” She asked.

“Partying it up with his family, won’t be back until later tonight though,” Ronan replies boredly, questioning if he got that beer he was going to get, that it’ll be weird if he drank it in front of her.

_ Reasonably best not to _ . Ronan thought as he lightly touched Chainsaw’s back.

Soon they fell into a somewhat comfortable silence, well at least as silent with a semi baby raven can get in a room.

And with the quietness, develops a sudden chill that wasn’t directly brought on by bad heating and cold weather.

“Do you think Noah’s here?” Blue asks him, rudding the sides of her arms roughly while gazing around the room with her hazelnut brown eyes.

Ronan shrugged his shoulders, he didn’t trust his mouth to say anything concerning his ghost roommate. He didn’t trust it because he sensed that the tears would well up over again.

“ _ Well _ ,” She says to the air around them. “If you need my energy Noah, you can have some.”

He thought it was strange, offering up to someone some of yourself to help them but as Ronan thought more, it made sense. 

It wasn’t so much as  _ self-sacrifice  _ as it was more letting someone lean on you when you had the strength to hold yourself and them up at a time.

Ronan deemed Blue had a strong heart overflowed with compassion, not everyone who has that kind of strength help others often or some people plainly can’t regularly help others out because they don’t have the health too.

“Your kind,” Ronan remarks, his words almost go unnoticed by Blue and himself as he said them so softly.

“I enjoy being useful to others.” She replied.

“I think there’s a difference between being  _ useful _ and lending a hand to help out a friend,” Ronan says, taking Chainsaw in his arms, feeling her warmth of being alive as well as her growing bird body.

As Ronan was re-thinking about that beer in the fridge, the door to his bedroom opened and then shut. Noah standing presently in the middle of Ronan’s room with his normal figure back. He moved soundlessly while he wandered over to Ronan’s bed, taking a seat with the rest of them.

Ronan deicide to say something before the silence could engulf them.

“ _ You want a beer? _ ” He asked Noah.

Ronan never said he was good at talking though.

“No, but thank you for the offering,” Noah answers, chuckling a bit, knowing Ronan knew he couldn’t drink anything. 

Even as Noah chuckling and sitting with them, Ronan couldn’t help but feel a terrible sense of  _ loneliness _ and  _ lose _ . Of course, Noah was right here but that didn’t fix the problem of someone murdered him in cold blood.

_ It didn’t help anyone.  _ He thought bitterly.

“Can I?” Noah says to Blue, bringing his hands up to show that he wanted to pat her crazed hair.

Blue didn’t reply to him but instead took both of his wrists and laid them on her head, letting him pat down her hair as much as he wanted.

It was a strange sort of closeness that Ronan was envy of the two. In such a short amount of time, they became closer than Ronan has very been with Noah or Adam.

“You know,” Noah says while still smoothing down Blue’s hair. “ _ I …. was more when I was alive _ .”

Ronan wanted so much to ask what that had meant. If that implied he was a crazy driver, if that he was a jokester student with bad grades, if that he was a bookworm, if that he was a nerd that liked comics and everything that was school bond.

if he was the person Ronan and everyone else in their group wouldn’t be friends with like they are now.

There were forever too many  _ ifs _ for Ronan to comfortably think about.

“You're enough right now Noah,” Blue says, her caramel eyes dance across Noah’s pale face. “I’ve missed you too, you know?”

Noah smiled weakly at her bold words, despite her size she was a strong girl with a beautiful attitude. It was something refreshing to have around the group of boys. Not that they weren’t full of different attitudes but having someone like Blue around made things feel as if they were a whole instead of a puzzle with too many missing pieces.

“Do you remember why it happened at least?” Ronan asked the question was chewing at him from the inside out. He keeps his eyes on Chainsaw, too emotional to make eye contact with the dead boy.

“I-” Noah began to speak but Blue put her hand in his, letting him take the energy from her.

“It was supposed to do with something with the ley line, he was trying to do …… do I don’t know what he was doing but it got messed up,” Noah says to them, he stopped petting Blue’s hair after the first word.

“I can’t recall when I was dead or alive. It’s all just a blur.” He shook his head. “He was  _ my _ friend.”

“ _ Friends _ don’t kill their friends Noah,” Blue told him.

“ _ No _ , he didn’t mean to. He had lost so much, he was betting everything to get this done but he wasn’t betting on  _ me _ .”

“Noah, just please tell us who did that to you,” Ronan asked, pointing to the dark smudge on his cheek. “We can’t do anything if we don’t know who did it.” 

“But,” Noah says, finally catching Ronan’s shielded gaze.

“You do know him.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On lordly, lordly. It's finally here Y'all. The day of the winter dance ଘ꒰ ๑ ˃̶ ᴗ ᵒ̴̶̷๑꒱و ̑̑ plus it's a longer chapter than usually.
> 
> I hope this isn't much of a 'filler' chapter because it takes a lot from the book but I still really hope that you guys can still find freshes in it (;＾◇＾;)ゝ but yeah it's a lot of 'typical' stuff happening. Anyway, enjoy the chapter the best you can! And Have a great day, night, any time of the day! You guys rule   
> ( ƅ°ਉ°)ƅ


	36. You better run from the boy in the velvet suit.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Love, let my anger,  
> Turn into peace.  
> Love, let the doves cry out in the streets.  
> Love, let the poison bleed out of me.  
> Love, let my love inside go free."
> 
> "A bloody war,  
> Behind my eyes.  
> I come out right on the other side."
> 
> "Just close the door and shut the blinds,  
> I'll come out right on the other side."
> 
> "Love, let my nightmares turn into dreams.  
> Love, let the angels into my sleep.  
> Love, let the spirits fly out of me.  
> Love, let my love inside go free."
> 
> ~Free by Mother Mother

_ This man killed Noah. He thought as he took his journal from the Camaro, holding the journal in his sweating palms, it was approximately 40 degrees out but that did nothing for him. _

_ The straining of his eyes on the man’s shadowed face was uncanny with the effects of the reality of the situation. The gun in the man’s hand, pointing directly toward his head, it would only be one shot. _

_ One shot and he’d be dead, gone from this body of his. _

_ Would this be what I’ll be remembered for? The boy who perished on the edge of Henrietta in the heart of December? _

_ Would anyone find me? _

_ Or would it be years later similar Noah that someone stumbled on my putrefied bones? _

_ “You believe you’re so incredible, so untouchable, so eternally youthful in this life.” _

_ click _

_ “Well, guess what? So did I.” _

_ Gansey’s mind was a blur of shining silver and bloody flesh of what was to become of his soon to be future. I’m going to die. He thought so silently to himself, like a prayer to himself in secrecy.  _

_ But then, he heard Ronan’s voice in the back of his mind. _

_ Bold and strong as ever. _

_ Hit the target with your body, not only your fist. _

_ You have to watch at what your hitting at, don’t swing aimlessly. _

_ And Elbow at a firm ninety degrees _

_ And Gansey, Gansey. Look at me, don’t think about it hurting. _

_ Are you listening to me? _

_ Don’t think about how much it will hurt. _

_ It’s only going to hurt for a while but in the long-term….. _

_ You’ll be okay. _

He swung.

 

 

* * *

 

He didn’t know what to think of himself.

Adam stepped back and away from the bathroom mirror to observed himself, studying himself as he stood there in his newly bought suit. The velvet blue jacket was the deepest of any seas with gold and black trimmings. His undershirt and suit pants were both sky night black.

Although, he didn’t wear a tie.

He never genuinely liked them no matter what type of occasion, he only wore his academy uniform’s to fit in more with the crowd at school.

He moved his hair back to show off more of his face but not slicking it down as some might do. He got the idea from how Joseph usually styled his hair, not entirely messy but now extremely clean cut.

He thought it always looked attractive on Joseph.

_ So _ , it might look nice on him.

“ _ Are you going to be in there all day dude? _ I need to take a shit.” A knock came from the bathroom’s semi-made door.

They had to make it basically because there wasn’t a door for the toileted area in the factory. They didn’t understand  _ why _ there wasn’t one but they thought fit not to ask.

Slipping on his knock-off leather his dress shoes, he walked to move under the weird door curtains they put up, stepping away to be almost eye level with Ronan.

As they stood there together, Adam assumed that Ronan was dying to make fun of something or everything he was wearing but Adam couldn’t eternally tell what Ronan was thinking with his poker-face expressions.

But instead, Ronan’s hands came up to undo the buttons from Adam’s dress shirt.

“If you're not going to wear a tie, at least undo the buttons to not look like some kind of  _ nerd _ ,” Ronan muttered as he undid the top two buttons.

_ It’s the thought that counts.  _ Adam deemed as Ronan took his hands away from his neck.

“When are you leaving?” Ronan asked, hands shoved into his jean pockets now and shifting his weight to side to side on the heels of his feet.

Adam lifted his suit jacket to check his wristwatch. It read that it was 7: 37 right now, giving him barely two hours to get to the dance and meet up with Joseph.

“I got time though I’ll leave around eight forty to make sure I’m on time,” Adam says, covering his watch with his jacket sleeve.

“ _ Always _ good with time,” Ronan remarked on.

Adam didn’t know if that was a compliment or an insult.

Not saying anymore, Ronan shuffled past him to continue on towards the bathroom. Adam not waiting around to hear what the other is to do in the restroom, stepped over to his book bag to make sure he had everything. Processing to make sure to have not left anything behind if he required something.

But as he was checking his wallet, Ronan’s cell phone was going off. Adam knew the other never answered his phone and always left it on the small table in the middle of the living slash Gansey’s room, where Gansey made his small town of Henrietta.

Hurring over, Adam picked up the phone to see who was calling.

It was Gansey.

_ Oh boy, I wonder if Declan did call him. _

Pressing the answer button, Adam lifted the cellular device to his ear.

“Hello, Gansey. Are you coming back yet?” He spoke into the phone.

“Uh, is this  _ Ronan _ ?” A small voice came from the other side of the speaker.

“No, this is Adam.  _ Who is this? _ ”

“Oh, yes the boy who pulled the  _ justice card. _ ” The voice says.

“ _ Who is this? _ ” Adam repeated himself.

“My apologies, this is Persephone speaking. Furthermore, I’m calling on the behalf of your friend. The one named  _ Gansey _ .” Persephone spoke softly.

“Yes, and  _ why _ are you calling for him?” Adam asked, getting somewhat frustrated with what the hell is going on.

“Oh!” She says surprised at her own forgetfulness. 

“He has broken his hand struggling with a man who kept him at gunpoint.” She says as if this was a common thing to say to anyone.

Adam thought he must be hearing wrong.

_ “What?” _

He heard some shuffling on the other end of the phone, many people talking at once, confusing Adam even more on what the absolute hell is going on.

“Adam?” Gansey’s voice came onto the phone.

“ _ Yes? _ Gansey what’s going on? Why was one of the psychics we saw on your phone?”

“Adam, I need you to tell Ronan to come to 300 Fox way to help me sort some things out with the psychics and Blue.” He says calmly.

_ How can he be calm? _

“I’m coming too,” Adam deemed. 

“You have somewhere to be soon. And it’s fine Adam. I’m fine now, I simply need Ronan to-”

“ _ Gansey _ , be quiet and listen to me. I’m coming with Ronan to see you. I have time and I want to understand what is going on with you and everything else." Adam answers, his voice firm and unwavering.

He could hear the sigh of defeat on the other line.

“Alright,” Gansey says.

“I’ll tell you what happened.”

 

 

* * *

 

Hearing the story from Gansey’s mouth was a very different experience from hearing it over the phone in a simple sentence. Watching the others face was something as well, the tensing of his lower jaw when he stopped speaking, the way his eyes shined in a cert way that didn’t tell Adam it was something  _ pleasant _ .

As Gansey spoke more and more to everyone in the room about what had happened not so long ago, the more Adam stared at Gansey’s broken hand, wrapped up in a white splint.

“Where is he now? Barrington was his name, right?  _ Is that even a real name? _ ” Maura, Blue’s mother asked Gansey.

The only man in Adam’s life had a name like that and it was someone he met with every weekday in his Latin class. 

His Latin teacher Barrington Whelk.

The world seemed so far in the distant from Adam’s hands, reality appeared so real it felt fake as plastic in its wake. The man who worked at his school killed Noah seven years ago and had almost killed Gansey tonight.

“ _ Barrington Whelk _ .” Ronan and Adam spoke at the same time, Adam keeping his eyes on Gansey’s splint, almost hoping it was a pipe dream and would disappear into water vapor.

“While I was at the hospital, the police had told me that they’ve been looking for him, even went to his home. Broke in and saw that his things were missing as if he packed and just left.” Gansey says. “It was Henrietta police  _ and _ the state police.”

“That’s what you call on the  _ lam _ , Gansey,” Ronan says, finally the boy had stopped his pacing but his face didn't look as well as his voice sounded.

Everyone in the room seemed to speak at once, causing Adam’s head to faze in and out of what they were saying, blocking out anything that wasn’t important to him.

“I think we wake up the ley line.” A woman, who Adam hasn’t meant before addressed from where she sat at the kitchen island.

He merely knew that she was Blue’s aunt and was also a psychic through the minutes that he and Ronan arrived at the home. And that she was up to something that the others didn’t favor it.

“What the hell Neeve?” Calla says abruptly. “I’m certain that doing so involved a dead body for usage."

“A sacrifice doesn’t always have to involve death.” The woman named Neeve told Calla, tilting her head in a way you would with a child.

“But I will say it now, whoever wakes the corpse road will be favored by the corpse road. Both the sacrifice and the person who offered the sacrifice.” Neeve continued. “And this gentleman Mr. Whelk? I believe you very much do not want him to be in that type of power.”

Adam could sense the licking of the flame of anger that came from his father beginning to rise within his body. Working its way from the tips of his toes to his forearms.

_ Whelk didn’t deserve to have anything that the ley line could give to one. That man didn’t deserve to have  _ **_anything_ ** _. _ Adam seethed.

“Noah wasn’t lucky, how can he be favorable?” Blue asked Neeve.

“He lived as a physical, yes?” Neeve questioned Blue, Blue nodding her head. “Well, that seems favorable to me, since traditional spirit’s don’t have that type of luxury.”

At that time and moment, Adam had made up his mind.

Whelk was dangerous,  _ is _ dangerous. And needs to be stopped but no one seems to be up for that task. Gansey not even wanting anything to do with the man who tried to end his life not hours ago.

Adam had the time.

If he was fast enough, he could be at the dance around nine thirty. He would need to be extremely sorry for his lateness to Joseph. Telling Joseph about what had happened would be a fit thing to do too.

As everyone was talking and focusing on Gansey’s words, Adam slowly but surely began to slip away from where everyone stayed in the room.

It was nearly comical that no one noticed him leave the room and go past the door and into the night.

His father always told him that he wasn’t rememberable.

Maybe he was right.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh lordy! Look at this shit! o(*≧□≦)o What's gonna happen next???? (((φ(◎ロ◎;)φ)))
> 
> Anyway, I hope Y'all like this one! Things sure are heating up in this story and I hope Y'all are ready to buckle up and get ready for this ride エｴｪｪｪ(●’Д’●)ｪｪｪｴエ


	37. I've got a secret and you got one too.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Well honestly, your honesty, it has emerged unscathed,  
> And I hope you’re doing fine, because me, I’m doing fucking great.  
> And I wouldn’t want to waste another second of your time,  
> I know my place, I know your face.  
> So you hide yours and I’ll keep to mine."
> 
> "You say, “Worse things happen at sea”  
> I say, “Worse things have happened to me”  
> Bitter eyes to the bedroom floor,  
> And we’re not going to talk anymore.  
> We’ve got nothing to talk for,  
> And you’ve got nothing to be sorry for.  
> And I’ve got no one to care for."
> 
> "This is the worst thing that’s happened to me,  
> I guess worse things happen at sea."
> 
> ~Worse things happen at sea By Frank Turner

As Ronan tried his damndest to understand everyone chattering at once, he sensed something was missing in this position. He hasn't identified what was  _ missing _ yet the whole thing felt oddly displaced.

“We could perhaps provide the location of Cabeswater to the police,” Gansey proposed but as the words left his mouth, Marua and Neeve yelled a loud ‘no’ in response.

“Then we  _ don’t _ give the police it, noted.” He says, his voice sounding stressed and fatigued.

Ronan nevertheless still sensed the emptiness of the large pad, scanning around with his eyes every part of the kitchen and hallways but ended up with nothing.

But as he was about to give up and tune back into whatever everyone was talking arguing on, Ronan’s eyes saw a dark form in the endless hallway, the one towards the room he, Kavinsky, Gansey, and Adam went in those months ago.

He knew before the figure took on a traditional shape that it was Noah, the paleness of his face and hair made him a dead give away. The isolated notion of what was wrong with his look was that his eyes were gone. There was nothing in the sockets that were in his head, leaving them dark as the void itself.

“ _ Noah _ ,” Ronan vocalized, even with that single name made everyone’s focus on Gansey grind to halt, causing their heads to turn towards whatever Ronan was staring at in the dimly lit hallway.

Even in the dark Ronan could see that Noah was muttering something quietly over and over again, his lips moving non-stop as if he was a broken CD player. Ronan didn’t know if it was Noah speaking to himself or the group that gawked at him.

“ _ Noah _ , Noah what are you saying? Could you come over here and tell us?” Gansey says, rising slowly from his chair.

The looks that came from the four psychics did not seem to agree with Gansey’s small request.

Yet, Noah didn’t move towards any of them.

He merely began to louden his voice.

With every renewed word, his voice grew shriller and higher. Him lurking in the shadows, his cry like a skin top drum with every strike making it harsher and stronger.

_ “Adam.” _ Noah repeated. _ “Adam.” “Adam.” “Adam.” “Adam.” “Adam.” “Adam.” “Adam.” “Adam.” “Adam.” “Adam.” “Adam.” “Adam.” “Adam.” “Adam.” “Adam.” _

As Noah got brasher, his body started to vibrate. It wasn't entirely trembling at the beginning though soon it was a full-bodied assault, he was shrieking and shuddering as if he was possessed by another.

No one knew what to do, fear had gripped them tightly as the boy continued on.

Then he began to rise.

His feet no longer touching the solid floor that held everything up, he was  _ hovering _ , showing that he wasn’t long for this type of world.

Noah’s body glided smoothly across the ground towards everyone else but Ronan saw it, he saw that Noah was traveling directly towards him.

Does he fear Noah? In a sense,  _ yes _ , he very much did. He has absolutely no sense of what was happening to his friend. Noah had never done something like this before.

Ronan didn’t move a muscle as Noah’s form floated in front of him, inches away from his face, staring into those endless black cavities that once held Noah’s weary eyes.

Noah suddenly stopped his screaming and shaking so adorably that Ronan thought maybe it had never happened in the first place but he knew he was wrong to think that way. 

The boy peered into Ronan’s eyes. Somehow Ronan knew somewhere in the eternal sockets that Noah had, some type of eyes were watching any and every movement he made.

“ _ Ronan _ ,” Noah says, his voice barely sounding like himself after all the screaming.

_ “Find him because he will be judged tonight for his actions.”  _ He whispered.

“ _ Find Adam. _ ” He muttered again before collapsing from gravity's hold and going right into the old floorboards, disappearing from them all.

As all sensation was arriving back into Ronan’s body, he veered his head to glance at Gansey, how the terror that remained on Gansey’s face was comparable to the time he was discovered with blood dripping from his open arms. 

“We need to leave,” Ronan uttered.

“ _ Now _ ,”

 

 

* * *

 

The air smelled of rain but it was always a strange smell in the winter, never quite belonging in this season but always welcomed in the others. And as Adam made his way through the trees, the smell only got more potent, as if Cabeswater was a living being breathing in and out.

Holding one of the many flashlights that Gansey kept in his car, Adam moved carefully around the dark forest. Stepping over rocks and fallen branches to avoid hurting himself here, that was surely the last thing he wanted while trying to find Whelk.

Finally, stepping over a tiny piece of the creek, he was there. 

_ Cabeswater _ .

After all the shocks that brought with being in the area of Cabeswater, it had to be the sudden changing of seasons and time that got to Adam. From going to December twilight to some exotic artificial blue glow in the shadowy sky. 

It reminded Adam of a far away lantern.

The air was no longer that cold type of wetness that chilled his old damaged bones, it was only the sweet air of a spring evening that circled around him now.

He turned off the flashlight in his hand, _ I don’t need that anyone. He thought. _

Adam follows the creek that he and his friends once discovered that time ago. How it flowed unwaveringly with brilliantly crystal clear liquid. He believed that this place was too wonderful to truly exist. How the beauty of it made it a target of mankind's destruction. 

The trees thickening ahead of him, causing him nearly to fall over but he kept his footing firm. As he made it through the midst of it, his foot did slip on something, all though it wasn’t some tree roots.

Causing him to stumble and drop to his knees, hitting the soft grass of the earth below him.

_ The hell? _

Looking back at what had tripped him, he saw that it was a large-mouthed metal bowl with some kind of ugly bruised purple fluid inside of it. It was a very strange thing to see it in a place such as Cabeswater.

Looking around, Adam saw that there was another bowl, and another and another. There were bowls all around him.

_ It’s as if they're in a sort of design.  _ He thought perplexed by why there was any variety of man-made objects here. 

And as Adam stared longer at the bowls, a thing stood out to him.

There were no petals of leaves, no lifeless insects floating in the mysterious fluid, no tiny twigs that had fallen in the bowls, there was unquestionably nothing wrong with them.

That could only mean that the dishes were filled recently...

“It seems that somehow someone always has to hinder me in these situations.” Whelk spoke from where he hunched over someone’s body.

Adam believed his eyes would dart out of his skull as he saw his Latin teacher clutching a rather large Hudson hunting knife in his grasp. How the blade shined off the dimly illuminated sky above them. 

Whelk rose up, letting the light brightened up the face of the person below him. It was one of the psychics at  _ 300 Fox way _ , the one named Neeve. Adam was dumbfounded on how she got here before him but it then came to him, that she most likely had driven here.

Another thing was that she was awake, completely concussion with drops of dark blood that ran down her forehead. Neeve seemed to not be as scared as one would be in the middle of a forest with a man with a hunting knife. 

Noticing anything matter at hand, was that the bowls did make a shape.

_ It’s a pentagram. _

“Why did it have to be Noah?” Adam asked Whelk, sadness, and rage mixing in his veins.

“Why not someone who deserves it?” Adam questioned again, his own speech pierced with frustration.

“Oh, don’t give me that.” Whelk spoke up.

“You shouldn’t be the one to be making this type of judgment Parrish.”

It was as if someone had pulled the earth right from underneath his feet. He was free falling into a pit of memories and bloodshed, gunsmoke and bile on his tongue, a scared boy and a man in terrible power.

_ “What?”  _ Adam’s voice didn’t even sound like his own anymore.

“You truly believed that no one saw you and that problem Kavinsky kid that night? You honestly think no one heard that gunshot go  _ off _ ? Maybe the other staff members had mistaken on how intelligent you were Parrish.” Whelk says, stepping away from Neeve’s laid form.

“ _ Mr. Whelk! _ ” Gansey’s voice rang out through the trees.

_ Oh, god, oh god no, please no, no, no, no. _

Adam didn’t try to glance around to see the faces of his friends, he couldn’t endure seeing them presently. 

He couldn’t let them see his dirtied form.

He was disgusting.

“Mr. Whelk, the police are coming so please, don’t make things worse than they are already.” Gansey’s steady voice grew closer to Adam’s back.

_ Stay away, Stay away, please. _

“Well, that’s great to discover because they can lastly determine a death that was committed.” Whelk spoke so loud that it hurt Adam’s ears.

Everything started to hurt in Adam’s body.

He felt remarkably empty, so worn to the utter bone that it was painful to endure another moment of standing. He's been standing for so long, he couldn't recall when the last time he actually sat down to rest.

“Yeah, it’s fucking  _ you _ . Everyone knows what you did, Whelk.” Ronan’s voice picked up, sounding angry as always.

“ _ Me _ ? I’m not the only one to blame here.” Whelk says, sounding surprised that Ronan was only accusing him alone.

Whelk was staring at Adam now, a wild expression on his face told Adam it was already over before he spoke up again.

“ _ They don’t know do they? _ ” Whelk questioned Adam, his voice holds a trace of amusement in it. 

“Adam, what is he talking about?” Gansey asks him.

“I’m talking about how your friend, that you deemed was so righteous. Murdered a man in cold blood in the middle of the forest.” Whelk told them. “But you see that Adam, we weren’t so different in the end.”

“It’s wasn’t like that,” Adam states, his hands gripped to his sides.

“ _ Yet _ , it was.” Whelk says.

“No, it wasn’t!” Adam cried, throwing the flashlight he had in his hand to the ground, watching it bounce off somewhere in the distance. “It wasn’t.” He repeated more softly.

“Then what was it then? What did you hope to happen with that gun of yours?” Whelk demanded from him.

It felt like he had nothing to lose with the truth, his lies were already open bare to be judged, what left could he lose then his only friends?

Had he already lost them?

He didn’t know.

“It was supposed to be me,” Adam told them.

“ _ It was supposed to be me who died that night _ .”


	38. A suicide letter I never gave you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Sometimes we must grow stronger,  
> And you can't be stronger in the dark.  
> When I'm here, no longer,  
> You must be stronger and..."
> 
> "If I could be with you tonight,  
> I would sing you to sleep.  
> Never let them take the light behind your eyes.  
> I failed and lost this fight.  
> Never fade in the dark.  
> Just remember you will always burn as bright."
> 
> "The light behind your eyes.  
> The light behind your eyes.  
> The light behind your eyes.  
> The light behind your eyes."
> 
> ~The light behind your eyes By My Chemical Romance

_ Have you ever considered that thing’s around you, weren’t whatever they were supposed to be? That the life you were assigned, plainly isn’t as good as it could be? _

_ I think so. _

_ Since I was a child, I didn’t comprehend what I was doing wrong to cause so much anger in anyone. That my existence was one of mistake, of an unfortunate threat to others, of pure loathing. _

_ How did my laughter create so much grief in you mother? Please, tell me and I’ll correct myself, I promise I will. I’ll do anything to make you smile at me.  _

_ Just once. _

_ Only once will do. _

_ Father, how did my weeping upset you? I slipped, falling down and sprained my wrist but you were the one to break it.  _

_ You seized me with your large calloused palms, shaking my body, telling me to settle my tears before I had something to certainly cry over. You were frightening me, how was I not to weep? _

_ I hadn’t mastered that craft yet. _

_ I could only whine louder as you clutched my tender wrist, mighty fingers squeezing around my fragile wrist. I said to you to let go but you gripped firmer until that repulsive snape happened, how the world around me blurred with darkness and blended shades. _

_ That was one of many firsts that I had with you. Every time the next meeting occurred, it was more severe than the last. It never got any better nor did I ever get used to it. _

_ I was more prepared for you to beat me when I walked through that front door of yours when I got home from elementary school. _

_ As I got older and my body developed from a petite puny child to misshapen teenager. I had found out that not every child was battered like me.  _

_ That in reality, it was only just me that was beaten. _

_ That no other child in my school hid their shameful injuries beneath large clothes and layered garments. No one that produced any sort of massive cast to wear around each week to classes. _

_ It was always just me. _

_ And soon it was not plainly about how I looked or behaved anymore but the issue of money came up, we needed money to have heat and water, food costed money, medical visits costed money, school items costed money. _

_ Everything costs money. _

_ They began to want rent from me at the age of fourteen. _

_ What other choice did I have? _

_ They are my parents, I didn’t have anyone else to stay beside. I had myself and just myself to pick my body up from the cold dirt when they tossed me to the ground. _

_ I was the one to stop the bleeding from my veins when I was cut with an edge, no mother’s kisses and hugs to ease my pain away. No sweet words about how proud of me they were when I got whole A’s in my classes for four years. _

_ And when I got the acceptance letter for getting into Aglionby Academy?  _

_ Hah….. _

_ That was the very day three of my ribs were fractured by my father’s work boots.  _

_ I can recall when I gave him the letter, saying that I'd be going to start in September. I told him he'd never had to pay anything for me to go because it was a scholarship and I would pay the remaining fees.  _

_ That I believed it was a genuinely good idea to start with a new school. _

_ He certainly didn’t agree with me. _

_ But even so, I went to the school I had wished for, my dreams of a better future on the bright horizon. Yes, I had to work harder now yet that was okay with me, I didn't mind the long hours at all my new jobs. It only meant that I wasn't at that place with them more than I had to be.  _

_ And that was perfectly fine with me. _

_ It was fine with me. _

_ I was fine. _

_ Then as September came, I began my new school, with new clothes, and new faces that surrounded me everywhere I went. The school work was rougher of course, but that never made me stray from it.  _

_ This was some private academy made for people of higher value, they had to be bright and educated. _

_ But as the days went on by, I had found out that, that wasn’t the answer.  _

_ Kids cheated on their test and copied homework from other students, even going so far as to pay others for doing their own work. I can’t say I was completely surprised by those new observations, most of the boys who went Aglionby had god like complexes. Thinking that the world could somehow halt to a stop if they called up their parents and said some simplistic information. _

_ Jealousy was something I didn’t want to show on my face but being around everything that you dreamed about was a hard task to do. _

_ It was a good thing that I finally learned to kept a blank face on the verge of tears. _

_ As my days at Aglionby grew longer and longer, the rumors of my bruised face and bad status in society got around the entity school. It seemed everyone knew my name before I knew theirs.   _

_ Yet, one day I passed a boy on his phone next to a collapsed Camaro on the side of the road, looking extremely desperate that I couldn’t just leave him to wait for someone to pick him up.  _

_ I remember pulling my bike over and asking him if he needed any help. _

_ He said yes, he very much did need help. _

_ So I told him some information on how to fix his car but it only appeared that my words went right through his ear and out the other. More focused on observing me work on his car then understanding how to fix it in the future. I then imagined that with me being completed with his vehicle that he would drive off, leaving me to ride my bike towards the long way to school. _

_ I was fine with that. _

_ Why should I expect kindness from strangers if my parents can’t do such a thing for me? _

_ And as I was about to ride away from this boy, he stopped me, asking if I would like to have a ride to school. That he saw the crest on my sweater that stood out against the rest of my old uniform, the Aglionby crest.  _

_ Soon he would tell me that he had been going to Aglionby Academy for almost two years now, telling me his name was Richard Gansey the third but adding that he much more preferred Gansey.  _

_ I was at a complete loss of what to do with this boy, his nature was foreign to me, his brightness and sense of adventure was something of storybooks and fairy tales. _

_ He believed in things that I have never heard of as well, almost being a myth himself. _

_ An ancient Welsh king named Glendower was something this boy had traveled the world for, looking in caves and unknown paths that many did not sought out in their time.    _

_ After that one encounter, he found me again and again around the busy school, welcoming me to sit with him at the lunch table, telling me more about what he has discovered or thought of in the late twilight nights. It was a type of friendliness I had only seen on tv shows and books, it tasted strange on my tongue, the way he shared it so openly with me.  _

_ However, in the second time in my life, I lunged toward something that I desired to be a part of, even if that might cause harm in the future for me.  _

_ I wanted to be more than what I was born to be. _

_ More than what my parents believed myself to be. _

_ Meeting Noah was as strange and unique as a first encounter can get. He was quiet enough to overlook but somehow you always remembered that he was there beside you, that pleasant smell of rainwater and sunflowers forever told me he was near. _

_ And with befriending Gansey, I had the chance to met you. _

_ I hadn’t met someone like you before either but you were the complete opposite of how Gansey shined and how Noah lingered. _

_ The way you were as strong as the statue of David and that beautiful unwavering bold type. I have to admit that you scared me in a way that one is scared of holding a newborn baby, afraid and somehow excited to get to know you.   _

_ We didn’t speak much in the beginning but I grew to cherish the tranquillity that was covering us when Gansey was away, sometimes as you fell asleep during lunch time I would watch you and other times when you were awake, I believed you knew I was watching but didn’t care. _

_ It almost felt like you encouraged it at times.  _

_ However, I am not as fearless as you, although I wish I was.  _

_ Then maybe I’d known if you noticed me and was also watching me too. _

_ Meeting you, Noah, and Gansey was a reminder of how the world can bring me back down to the soil that holds the earth together. Showing me that people don’t need a fixed goal but to want to be friends with me. _

_ How alien and unfamiliar that thought is to me. _

_ That someone like you, Noah, and Gansey didn’t just see me as others did. That I wasn’t just dirt poor, wasn't some kid that has terrible parents, wasn’t an idiot for living in a place like Henrietta, and wasn’t some bruised and beaten face. _

_ I was Adam Parrish. _

_ Someone who was  _ **_more_ ** _. _

_ That’s what I believed every time I was around you three, how even at difficult times came when I didn’t want to be around any of you guys, somehow that always turned around and made me want to stay longer with you three. _

_ But yet as I believed I was someone else together with you, I had to remember who I was when I got back to that place. When Gansey or you drove me back to that place, as I observed as an outsider from within the car parked, how I regularly requested for both of you to park far enough away for them not to see the lights of your cars. _

_ How I would once again have to gaze at reality and peer into its ugly misshapen teenage face repeatedly day after day in the side door mirror. _

_ And as I would unbuckle my seat belt, both of you would say I didn’t have to go, that I didn’t have to step back into that place.  _

_ But did you guys really know what you were saying to me?  _

_ Telling me that I could stay with both of you and Noah in Monmouth factory? _

_ You guys didn’t think I wanted that? To finally stay around people who finally see me as me? _

_ How could I ask you both of that? _

_ You guys gave me so much already. _

_ The best friendship that I had in my entire life. _

_ I couldn’t possibly ask for more of either of you. _

_ I guess as I write this that you might never find this letter, that you’ll never fight through Robert to get into my room and see the stacks of notebook paper laid neatly on my nightstand. _

_ Would you read each paper between your fingers? Or would you read the first few sentences and grow angry with me, tearing the last of my words up? _

_ Either way, I think that whatever you do will be right. _

_ I can say that if only that I knew more of you, that the stillness that we shared could have been more talking and bonding, more laughter, and smiles. _

_ But I recognize I’m not the one you need because you need someone strong, and I’m not strong enough for you to lean on and I’m sorry for that. _

_ I’m so sorry that I couldn’t help you fight this exhausting fight. _

_ I know your stronger than I could have ever been if I tried to live longer but I’m so tired and I need to sleep. _

_ Please, never let them get to you. _

_ Please Ronan, never let them take away the things I love about you. _

_ Never let those bastards get you down and live a good life. _

  
  


**_To_ ** _ : Ronan Lynch _

 

_ And for this moment and in your memory, _

**_From_ ** _ : Adam Parrish. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey Y'all, sorry that it took a little longer to write this chapter and post it. Writing a chapter like this can really drain me because I have to look at my own emotions and how I feel about life. I'm not the most optimistic person and I'm very aware of that but I try to work through my issues.
> 
> Many of you might know that it's hard to change that type of viewpoint. I've had this type of view on life for most of my life and I truly believe that it won't change no matter what I do, and no matter how many people say that it'll get better or that I can get through it. People can get blue in the face and I can't believe it, I have never believed people saying something like that but I really do one day believe that it can change.
> 
> Any form of mental illness is hard no matter who goes through it and people need to understand that just saying some words don't always help, don't always make people feel better. Everyone needs different things in their life to be happy, everyone's happiness is different.
> 
> Well, after saying that. I at least hope that this chapter didn't make any of you too sad but I thank everyone who reads it.
> 
> Its not easy living life and it might never be.
> 
> But life is the biggest form of freedom that you can achieve. Don't let those bastards get you down.


	39. Faith vs. Reality

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Cali let's dive, dive down,  
> To the pool's bottom where we belong.  
> Cali you're sinking like a bleeding stone,  
> All above crowd around, so fucking loud."
> 
> "Mr. Caspian's killer told me so (La-la-la-la la la).  
> Heard it down on the radio (La-la la-la-la-la-la).  
> My pool, summer, summer, pool, summer vibes killed,  
> In cold blood."
> 
> "Zero one one one zero zero one one.  
> Crying zeros and I'm hearing one one ones.  
> Lifeless back slaps the surface of the pool.  
> Pool killer, killer pool, pool killer."
> 
> "Kiss me."
> 
> ~ In cold blood By Alt-J

_ “It was supposed to be me who died that night.” _

Ronan was staring at the back of a boy who he thought he knew, of a friend who he thought was one of the most prideful people he knew.

Ronan didn’t know how painful it was to know now, that he was very much wrong to think that way.

He didn’t need to know why Adam was going to kill himself, Ronan knew just enough that would drive any man to crumble from the years of living that Adam had gone through.

Whelk hadn’t responded to Adam’s confession, he stood motionless, lips clamped tight while eyes strained on the boy in front of him, Neeve still laying on the dirt ground behind Whelk’s gruff structure.

_ Wait a second…. _

Where Ronan imagined Neeve was, she was no longer there. No proof of her laying form on the pentagram that circled them, no rope that was tied around her bony wrist was left, no blood that trickled off of her wounded head was there.

There was  _ nothing _ .

She was simply  _ gone _ .

And as Ronan knew she was gone, everyone else had seen that the psychic woman had disappeared from this mysterious world. Ronan could tell by the change of the air, how it was a sort of suffocating that didn't allow sound to dwell in its dome, no air to breath and no vibrations to hear.

It was precisely the type of air that stirred before a storm.

Ronan knew that smell all too well.

He hadn’t forgotten the knife in Whelk’s hand, his eyes wouldn’t let him look away long enough for five seconds to pass. As the seconds of silence was getting longer, Ronan saw the way Whelk’s fingers squeezed on the knife's leather bond handle.

_ Salvum illum _

Whelk lunged forward towards Adam, knife high in the air as Whelk’s hand held the leather handle in such a way Ronan knew he wasn’t pretending to threaten them. This man was going to kill Adam, and that was a fact now.    

His feet dugged into the soft soil so roughly that his shoes started to slip off, he was running on instinct, there were no second thoughts going through Ronan’s mind.  

But there was only one word that was kept on repeating over and over.  

_ No, no, no, no, no. _

Ronan tackled Whelk to the ground, throwing all of his body weight into the dangerous man. Ronan was a runner for a reason, thank god it was coming in handy. As Ronan’s body slammed into Whelk, the knife fell out of his hand, falling somewhere unknown to both.

But Whelk was stronger than Ronan assumed he was, for some Latin teacher at a rich school, the man did have some meat on him. Shoving Ronan off of himself and giving the boy a sharp kick in the jaw, making Ronan’s head snap back with blurry version engulfing his sight.

Ronan overheard yelling, yet, he couldn’t make out who was the one making the shouts, his head continued to swim and the tang of his own blood tasted harsh on his tongue.

_ Get up. Fucking get up.  _ Ronan depended from his limp body.

But Ronan’s body wasn’t working, the blow to his head was lingering too long in his system, he couldn’t get up, he couldn’t do anything.

Ronan heard cries of fear.

Of terror.

While Ronan's eyes started to come back into focus, he could see the blurry figure of Adam in the middle of the pentagram, both hands slammed down in the center. The boy said something underneath his breath, Ronan couldn’t catch it, Adam was just too far away.

The world began to shake like nothing Ronan has ever felt before, the ground beneath him was making it tougher for him to get a grip on anything. He suddenly felt a pair of hands on either side of him, pulling him away from the earth and into their grasp.

_ “Non nocere.” _

_ “Aut nos voluntas mundabit tu.” _

Those words were the last thing Ronan heard before he saw all white.

 

 

* * *

 

“ _ Dude, what the hell are you doing? _ ” Jiang asks Joseph, walking up to the other boy who leans casually on his white Evo.

“Smoking? What it fuck does it look like I’m doing?” Joseph says, taking a drag off of his semi-normal cigarette. He had dreamed up a few packs of normal ones to somehow wean himself off of the more exotic ones he had hidden away. 

“ _ Yeah _ , I see that. What I’m actually questioning, is why are you doing out here? If you're still waiting for your date to show up just wait inside where it isn’t freezing utter ballsacks.”

Joseph appreciated that Jiang was being nice by telling him that but, it only caused him to feel further annoyed with the entire situation. 

Adam still hadn’t shown up and Joseph’s head was supporting a migraine the size of fucking Texas. He didn't know why he was getting a migraine now of all times, the air tonight felt loose and hung in a way that made Joseph feel separated in an odd way.

That he was in here in this place, the winter dance. And yet, in another section in his subconscious. 

It didn’t make a lot of sense to him though he couldn’t find himself to care much about it. The single thing that Joseph cared about was wherever the absolute hell Adam was. It was about forty minutes past nine and Adam was supposed to meet Joseph around ten past nine, it was certainly far beyond that point now.

“ _ Nah _ , I’ll keep on waiting here. I 've got something I wanted to give them before heading in there.” Joseph told Jiang, jerking his head to the building that was behind them.

As Joseph and Jiang stood in comfortable silence, Swan and Proko came walking out, both calm as per usual. 

“ _ Aren’t you guys cold out here? _ ” Proko asked them, rubbing his hands together as if he’s been outside longer than three seconds.

“I was just saying the same thing,” Jiang says, giving Joseph a not so quiet side eye. “But  _ someone _ wanted to keep on waiting for prince charming to show up -  _ Ow! Fuck you, dude. _ ”

Joseph quietly punched Jiang’s shoulder to shut him up before he says something he wasn’t supposed too. Joseph didn’t know if Jiang knew that his date was Adam or that Jiang was only saying some joke.

Joseph didn’t find it too funny at the moment.

He already knew the things that could - no,  _ will _ come tonight when Adam shows up and they dance together. Joseph’s fist were set for anyone to utter a single word to him or to Adam. 

He’s been going to this school long enough to know who’s, who’s. 

“I’m only waiting out here until they show up and when they come, then we’ll come in. I feel it would be kinda  _ dick-ish _ to not wait for them.” Joseph tells the group, blowing out a puff of smoke towards the night sky, trying not to get the smoke in anyone’s face.

The boy’s around him nod in agreement. 

“Well,” Jiang says, hopping onto the sidewalk were Swan and Proko stood. “I’m gonna see if that chick who came with Arin wants to dance with me.”

“Why would she dance with you and not Arin?” Proko asked.

“Because he’s an asshole to her, have you not seen how he tries to grab her ass in there? She needs to see what a real gentleman acts like.” Jiang says to Proko, giving him a wink to top it off.

“Come on Swan, I know your date craves to see more of your handsome  _ animated _ face. Can’t leave her in there where there are more dudes then bad 2000’s pop songs playing on the speakers.” Jiang says to Swan, trying to swing an arm around the taller boy’s shoulders.

Swan bends his knees a bit to let Jiang have his arm around him, they struggle and waddle back into the school build. Leaving behind Proko and Joseph to be alone in the chill nighttime.

“Soooo just waiting?” Proko asks Joseph, stepping off of the sidewalk and next to Joseph to lean against the Evo with him.

“Mhmm,” Joseph replied. 

“Do you want me to wait for you? I have the free time too.”

“Don’t you have a date you came with?” Joseph asked him, hoping for a reply but only to be meant with an outburst of laughter from the other boy.

“No, I didn’t come with anyone,” Proko says, wiping away a few tears from his eyes. “I came with you guys. I don’t need a date for that.”

Joseph thought that this kid couldn’t get any nicer than he was but yet here he is at it again. Being one of the most honest and genuine guys he ever meant in his lifetime.

Taking a last drag off his cigarette, Joseph spoke.

“You’re kind.”

Proko almost seemed surprised to hear the words come out from Joseph’s smoke-filled mouth. But soon the shock in his boyish features melted away, Proko turning his head downwards, hiding his warm honey smile.

“I try to be nice but -” Proko began but didn't finish what he was going to tell, the words dissolved on his tongue before they could get a chance to get out. Shaking his head lightly, he leaned off of the car and bounded back onto the sidewalk. Hands in pants pockets.

He stood with his back to Joseph for a brief moment, his suit color a deep forest green but almost looking black in the moonlight. 

Either way, Joseph thought both colors mixed well for him.

Turning around, now to facing Joseph. His eyes honest and soft.

“No one person is all good in their own way. There is not always a black and white inside someone’s heart. There are lots of shades of greys.” Proko told him.

Giving Joseph a tiny wave, before traveling back towards the building.

_ That was odd.  _ Joseph thought, throwing his cigarette to the ground to put it out.  _ I hadn’t considered Proko to be so philosophy. _

As Joseph was leaning down, picking up the cigarette bud from the cold pavement, he heard footsteps approaching him. Grinning, he said.

“Glad for you to show up.”

 

 

* * *

 

“ _ Are you sure your fine Ronan? _ ” Adam asked again, sitting in the passenger seat of Ronan’s black BMW.

“I’m not gonna be fine anymore if you kept on fucking asking me that.” Ronan bit back.

After all that happened tonight, Ronan was still willing to drive Adam to the winter dance at Aglionby Academy. Somehow even Gansey and Blue didn’t question the two when Ronan regain concussions and told them he was taking Adam to Aglionby.

Gansey did pull Ronan to the side before they left and whispered something in his ear but Adam couldn’t find himself to care, he was completely drained to the utter bone that the only thing on his mind was going to the dance and apologizing to Joseph on why he was so late.

In the bottom of his stomach though, Adam knew that he would need to talk to everyone about the many things that happened in Cabeswater  _ and _ whatever happened outside of Cabeswater.

_ It’s just a matter of time now _ . He imagined while staring downwards at himself. His suit jacket and pants both had dirt on them, most likely from falling down and moving around in Cabeswater. He worked hard to get off most of the noticeable spots but it was difficult with little to no to help.

Adam flipped down the mirror above his head, checking his face of any more lingering spots of dirt. 

“ _ Your fine, _ Adam,” Ronan spoke up from the driver's side, his eyes still on the dark road ahead of them as he drove the car steadily.

“I don't feel  _ fine _ ,” Adam says with a heavy sigh, continuing to stare at himself in the vanity mirror.

He wished he had grabbed some bottled water from The Pig to wash the sticky sweat off his face, how it made him appear greasy and lethargic. His hair was unhitched, he took his fingers and attempted his best to re-do what he styled it to look like what he did in the bathroom but it only looked half of what it was in the beginning. 

He wished that it was dark enough in the dance hall to cover up how fatigued he looked, he certainly hoped that Joseph didn’t mind the way he seemed to look like he came from hell and back.

As Adam was about to admit defeat and stop messing up his hair any further, Ronan spoke up from his side of the car.

“Check the backpack under my seat, there should be some water and other clean types of shit in it,” Ronan says, turning his head towards him as they stopped at a red light.

While the car was not in drive, Adam took off his seatbelt and twisted his body around to look under Ronan’s seat, and sure enough, there was a black bag under there. Flapping back into his seat, Adam unzipped the bag. Finding some water bottles, hair combs, hand wipes, and a lot of fat-free fig newton bars. 

“Why do you have all of this stuff? You don’t even have hair to comb.” Adam asked Ronan.

“Sometimes when me and Matthew hang out, we really just want to talk and drive. Not go anywhere special but ride around for hours, so I gotta be prepared for the long journeys.” 

It was the tender way Ronan hadn’t hesitated when he spoke to Adam about the bag, that said more about the boy than anything else in the slick black car.

_ No matter what Declan says about you Ronan, you’re a good brother.  _ Adam thought warmly to himself as he took out a few hand wipes.

_ No matter what anyone says about you Ronan. _

_ You’re a good person Ronan, who’s just been through so much. It's sad when people don't stick around long enough to notice that about you. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is! Chapter 39.
> 
> We are finally almost towards the end of the third Arc ᕕ╏ ͡ ▾ ͡ ╏┐
> 
> I also want to say to anyone who would like to know how many pages we are at right now, it's 283! My god, that's a lot and we only have so much more to go from here! ฅ(*°ω°*ฅ) this chapter gives hints if anyone is looking for them about the next few chapters.
> 
> I wonder if anyone will find them <(￣︶￣)>
> 
> Also what the tree's say in the beginning is: "Save him." "Do no harm." "Or we will cleanse you."


	40. I wasn't in love, I know that now

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "I'm a melancholy man, that's what I am.  
> All the world surrounds me and my feet are on the ground,  
> I'm a very lonely man, doing what I can.  
> All the world astounds me and I think I understand,  
> That we're going to keep growing, wait and see."
> 
> "When all the stars are falling down,  
> Into the sea and on the ground,  
> And angry voices carry on the wind."
> 
> "A beam of light will fill your head,  
> And you'll remember what's been said.  
> By all the good men this world's ever known."
> 
> "Another man is what you'll see,  
> Who looks like you and looks like me,  
> And yet somehow he will not feel the same."
> 
> "His life caught up in misery,  
> He doesn't think like you and me.  
> Cause he can't see what you and I can see."
> 
> ~ Melancholy man By Moody Blues

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Homophic language

_ “Glad for you to show up.” _

“ _ Oh really? _ That’s a pleasant surprise coming from someone like you.”

Joseph whipped his head upwards to see what he thought was the soft footsteps of Adam Parrish, the boy he was waiting for all night to dance with but instead of him, it was Tommy Acres smug face looming over him. 

Joseph had limited patience to endure with this kid right now, he was still expecting for Adam to show up any minute now. Plucking his stomped out cigarette bud off the ground, Joseph stood up, taking a long look at the other boy in front of him.

“Excuse me, I was thinking of a more impressive person,” Joseph states, pocketing the crumbling bud. “I would  _ never _ think of you in any kind of pleasant ways.”

Arces was wearing a suit that didn’t go with his personality at the least. It was some variety of floral design that Joseph would say that it came right off of some hotel’s bathroom wall. 

Even his undershirt was a blinding aqua green, that only furthered battled severely with the entire outfit.

“That’s a relief to know, I don’t want some  _ faggot _ thinking of me like that.” 

_ “The fuck did you just say?” _ Joseph hissed, he could feel the sneer forming on his face.

“You think that no one’s seen you gushing over that trailer trash kid? I’m surprised no ones said anything earlier to you, it’s rather unsightly to see you know?” Acres told Joseph.

_ Where the fuck did he get the fucking balls to say this shit. _ Joseph thought to himself as he marched up to be face to face with the bastard.

“Where did this sudden  _ burst _ of enthusiasm come from? It couldn’t be from your height because we both know you stopped growing since ninth grade.” Joseph started, staring down at the boy, smelling the cologne that he drowned himself in.

That jag at his height, made Acres smile twitch with announce, Joseph knew that Arces had always been weird about his height since David Lee said he looked like someone who didn’t get enough of his mother’s milk as a kid. 

The guy deserved it, Acres is an asshole to everyone for no fucking reason at all.

Of course, Joseph was just the same way but he never went out of his way to make everyone’s lives a living hell.

“At least I’m  _ normal _ .” he shot back at Joseph, barely spitting in Joseph’s face.

“And it’s time you got off your fucking high horse Kavinsky,” Acres told him, snapping his fingers abruptly.

“What? Snapping your fingers for your rich ass daddy to come and get me? I don’t think s-”

Just when Joseph was about to say more, a sudden sharp kick to the middle of his back brought him to his knees, the air knocked straight out of his lungs. As he coughed and wheezed for some type of oxygen, Acres bent down, leaning towards Joseph's face.

“You don’t look so tall from this position, I could even get used to this.” Acres smiled.

Taking an unsteady breath in, Joseph tried his best to create words on his trembling lips. He couldn’t, but he went for the next best thing.

So he spat right in Acres smug fucking face.

The look of utter disgust was the best expression that Acres ever had, how he quickly stood back up and wiped the spit from his face.

“ _ Don’t get your fuckin fag genres on me! _ ” Acres shrieked at him before kicking Joseph straight in the check.

The heat from the kick produced the familiar numbing pain of a dark bruise already welling upon his face but that didn’t stop him from wobbling to stand up. Getting back up on his weaving feet, Joseph was eager to fight Acres and whoever kicked his back in. 

Finally getting a good look around him, Joseph recognized that it was some of the other guys that cling around Acres most of the time.

The only very bad thing about this was that these guys were on the school's top rowing team. Meaning that they worked out on the daily, something Joseph hasn't done in quite a while.

“Four against one?” Joseph says, spitting some blood out of his mouth and onto the ground. “Doesn’t seem quite fair, does it,  _ Tommy _ ?”

“ _ You think this is about fairness? _ ” Acres questioned him, a stupefied scruff escaping his mouth. “This is about teaching you faggots that there’s no room for people like yourself in our school,” Acres says, putting up his fist as if he was going to strike Joseph while he stood up without being beaten to the floor.

Joseph had a quick thought about the hidden gun underneath his driver’s seat in his car, he could make a run for it but what would he do?  _ Shoot Acres?  _

It was a very tempting thought.

“You know how unbelievably stupid you sound?  _ Your school? People like yourself?  _ What are you? Living in the nineteen twenties or some shit? And I thought you said I was on a high horse, just look at yourself!” Joseph laughed harshly.

Acres didn’t rush at Joseph first, Joseph knew that Acres was the mastermind to get this little schoolyard fight in play. Acres was never the one to get his hands dirty in the sandbox. Rather being the little boy who burned ants with a magnifying glass that he stole from the science room.

Joseph focused himself on the three other guys coming at him, he had to be quick on his feet and smart with his fist if he wanted to get out of this with only a few broken bones.

Joseph jumped out of way to avoid the larger of the three. It was clear that it was the same douche that kicked him in the back earlier.

“ _ I’ll have to be careful about you big boy! _ ” Joseph teased the other, hoping to get the guy off his game.

As Joseph dodged the bigger guy, his buddies weren’t far behind, coming at Joseph with clenched fist. Joseph had plenty of fights in his life but having three people running towards him? That was some brand of street jumping. 

Joseph wasn’t fast as the skinner guy next to him, a firm fist swung into the side of his head, making Joseph’s feets uneven. Shaking the sudden foggy's from his acme, Joseph gave the skinner fellow a right hook to the jaw, putting most of his upper body weight into it. The boy fell to the ground like a sack of potatoes.

But when Joseph was about to turn around, his friend was already on him, taking Joseph into a choke hold. 

It was a great thing that Joseph was so tall because he dug his feet well into the ground below them, pushing his weight into the guy behind him, taking both of them to the ground with a heavy thud.

Joseph saw the big boy coming their way, seizing the moment as the wind was knocked out of the guy underneath him, Joseph spread his legs and punched the guy’s nut sack. The boy’s grip on Joseph’s neck lightened tenfold, giving him enough time to roll over the boy and avoid the other one.

Watching the two crash into each other gave Joseph a good chuckle.

Although it wasn’t good enough to make Joseph forget about Acres, spinning on his heels, Joseph saw Acres was watching nearby as his goonies try to rip him apart. 

“You are some fucking type of coward Aces, you should really know that you have to fight your own fights,” Joseph says, stomping fastly up to Acres. 

However, it wasn’t fast enough to get to the boy in front of him, as suddenly arms were on him, pushing him to the ground again.

Joseph didn’t like being manhandled. 

Not like this.

He kicked his feet and even attempted to get back on his knees but it wasn’t sufficient enough to get the heavy frame off of his spine. 

He was stuck.

_ Fuck. _

Someone ran their fingers through his hair, he couldn’t tell who because someone else was keeping his head close to the hard ground. They dug their fingers into his scalp, swiftly a painful sharp pull on his hair, brought Joseph’s head forward to be face to face with Acres.

“You should really lay off the cologne, dude. How else will people be able to smell the shit coming off of your foul personality.” Joseph laughed forcedly.

That earned Joseph a jarring slam of head to concrete action, tasting blood and gravel start to mix in his mouth. He could feel his nose gush blood and skin begin to break apart from the impacted.

“You think you're some fucking golden child for possessing money and a nice house, well guess  _ what _ ? That means shit while your here Kavinsky. It means zip when everyone else has the same exact thing.” Acres shot at Joseph, his fingers drilling harder into his tender scalp.

“You have nothing but the drugs you snort and that smart ass mouth of yours, and that’s all you have. Or maybe that trash kid too but he’s just as much as nothing as you are.” He tossed Joseph’s head lose, standing up from his position.

“And this is the moment when you find out how completely worthless you are,  _ faggot _ .”

“Oh, and don’t forget this too,” Acres told him. “We promise to make this as memorable as possible for you. So you’ll never forget this even in death."

“What kind of fake ass bullshit is that?  _ Come on _ , we both know that sounds stupid as hell.” Joseph spoke up from the ground, his smile bloody and grim.

He knew he was smiling but in reality, Joseph still felt the looming fear creeping up through his system, the way it sank heavy in the lower pits of his stomach was nauseating.

No one is ever truly ready for a beaten, especially Joseph. He grew up with his father and brother, knowing no matter what he did, it would bring him pain sooner or later. And no matter how desperately Joseph wanted to think he was always ready for the first strike, for the first wave of pain, it never eased any of his fear in the slightest.

As knees were digging harder and harder into the small of his back, Joseph knew this was going to hurt but the only thing was, he didn’t know how much it was going too.

He started to thrash his body more, trying to get this beast off his body, trying to get free from these psychos clutches. 

“You guys don’t have to do this!” Joseph yelled, trying not to sound as if he was pleading with them.

“But  _ we do _ .”

“ _ We do _ .”

Joseph felt the first punch on the back of his head, his whole vision went white with agonizing fire. He didn’t even have time to process the first hit when the others started to join in.

All Joseph knew was pain, so much pain.

He wanted to laugh at how ironic this situation was.

As he felt blood and bruises cover over his body, he thought about Adam.

_ I guess this is what I get for hoping you’d come tonight. _

_ This is what I get for loving someone. _

 

 

* * *

 

_ I thought tonight was going to be laughter and smiles, sweat dripping out of our backs from dancing like fools all night, bonding moments that we’ll look back on and think ‘I’m glad we did this tonight. I’m actually happy I came out here.’ _

_ How silly I was to have such thoughts. _

_ Because dear god, how could someone do this? _

_ The boy I meet was no longer the same one as I held you together in my arms, your whole body shook from violent sobs as you cursed softly from bruised and bloodied lips. _

_ I know you asked of me to keep this a secret, yes I know I said I promised too but will this be okay? _

_ Is it okay to really leave everything back there in the cold hollow streets? _

_ “Please, please don’t tell anyone.” _

_ “Please, you gotta promise me.” _

_ You already asked me these agreements but I keep on nodding my head, I couldn’t stop nodding and agreeing with you even if I desired too. The way you begged me was such an unfamiliar view of witnessing this side of you. I almost didn’t think it was you asking at first. That some stranger was behind us and pleading for me to keep this whole situation a secret. _

_ But I couldn’t put that sharp toned voice to anyone else's mouth but yours. _

_ And I think that’s what made it break my heart even more. _

_ To know that it was you, crawling with broken bones and beaten to black and purple flesh. The way you tried to stand but fell every time, your knees giving away from the weight of your tall but delicate mass. Your car was no longer it’s once snowy white color but smeared with all varieties of reds. _

_ It was the sheer horror to place you in the passenger seat of the car. In the time we knew each other, you never let any one of us drive but right now you're ordering me to go. _

_ I didn’t understand what you meant by ‘go’. _

_ I asked you what that implied. _

_ “Just go anywhere.” _

_ “Anywhere but here.” _

_ I knew from the fashion you bit your bottom lip to hold in the streaming tears that your heart was grieving from a loss you hadn't detected to come so quickly. _

_ I gripped the soft leather steering wheel, taking one last look over towards you.  _

_ How I wish you would have screamed for me to find you before this had happened. _

_ How I wish that this won’t change you. _

_ And as I drove out of the parking lot, I knew then and there. _

_ That once again. _

_ It was a foolish thought to have. _


	41. Broken

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight,  
> I wanna hold you high and steal your pain."
> 
> "Cause I’m broken when I’m open,  
> And I don’t feel like I am strong enough.  
> Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome,  
> And I don't feel right when you're gone away."
> 
> "Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome.  
> And I don't feel right when you're gone."
> 
> "You've gone away.  
> You don't feel me here anymore."
> 
> ~Broken By Seether ft. Amy Lee

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Homophobic language

“Do you want me to wait?” Ronan asks Adam from the driver’s seat.

Adam didn’t know if he wanted Ronan to wait for him or not, the night seemed to be draining the energy from him a lot more than he thought it was going too.

Re-thinking about it, he actually was moderately surprised that he was still awake and hadn’t passed out in the passenger seat while Ronan was driving. 

After tonight, Adam hoped that he could get some much-needed sleep.

“If you don’t mind? I’m just going to go in and talk to someone real quick, then come back out.” Adam told Ronan, unbuckling his seatbelt and opening up the car door, feeling the bone-chilling air greet him.

“Yeah, that’s fine.”

“Thanks,” Adam says to Ronan, shutting the door softly and turning towards the large building, where colorful lights and heavy beated music leaked out of its old structure. 

Checking his wrist watch, it read that it was almost about eleven forty. A wave of shame came over him, the dance stopped when the clocks hit midnight, the dance was practically already over.

Opening one of the double doors, Adam saw the area where he was supposed to pay to get in. Walking over, he pulled out his worn down wallet and started to take out the money but the person at the counter, his English teacher put up her hand to stop him.

“Hun, the dance is wrapping up. You don’t need to pay to have to watch staff members clean up trash and see slightly stoned kids laze around until we kick them out.” She smiled kindly at him.

He wanted to fight with her on how it wasn’t fair for him not to pay but she just hushed him and jerked her head towards the dance hall.

“Whoever you're here to see, you best get on your way. You don’t have a lot of time for scrapping with me. Now go on with your night Parrish.” She states firm but gently to him.

Adam couldn’t bicker with her about it anymore. She bent her head downwards, Adam observed that she had a fairly large book in her piano player hands. It was funny that he never saw her without some kind of reading material in her clutches, no matter if it was meant for class or not.

He could only quietly thank her and step silently towards the dance hall. 

_ She wasn’t joking. _ Adam thought as he walked in, seeing what was remaining of the night’s event.

There were about fourteen other students and their dates scattered about the hall, their slow movements, and loud sluggish laughter could mean something but Adam wasn’t here to judge people on how they lived their lives.

_ No _ , he was here to find Joseph and apologize, face to face.

But as he continued to scan his eyes over the few heads of the other adolescents around him, he didn’t see Joseph anywhere. Not even someone coming close to looking like Joseph. 

Another impression that came across as odd was that Adam didn’t see the usual group of friends Joseph hung together with. 

A strange thought then came to Adam,  _ maybe their in the bathroom? Don’t people try and smoke in there all the time during classes? It would be a good place to check if I’m right….. _

He had seen students at times in the bathroom smoking or trying to erase the evidence by flapping their hands quickly when he would walk in but in all reality, Adam couldn’t care. 

It was their lives, what did Adam’s words have anything to do with their life choices? If they knew the dangers that came with it, then it’s fine with him.

Roaming away from the dance hall, towards the far back near the water fountain, Adam saw the bathrooms. He felt strange trying to find someone in the bathroom, he prayed that no one that wasn't Joseph or his friends were in there.

Pushing open the wood-framed door, Adam moved in and saw some boys his seen before on Gansey’s rowing team. They were talking to each other but as soon as they noticed Adam's presence. The chatting dissolved rather quickly.

One of the smaller boys, who was perched up onto the sink, was holding paper towels to his jawline. From the looks of it, it seemed they had ice cubes in the paper.

As Adam’s eyes lingered on the one boy, he saw the other two also hand paper towels with ice in them. Holding one to his eye and the other to his check.

Adam wondered what happened to them.

Lowering his gaze to the stands, he didn’t see anyone lurking in the narrow stall doorways, the metal doors revealed that they were empty of any living individual.

_ I guess they aren’t here.  _ Adam sighed with defeat, tired and now moderately annoyed with himself. Adam twisted around towards the restroom door.

But as he was about to grab the doorknob, one of the boys at the sink spoke up.

“Whatcha doing Parrish?” He asked with a questioning tone arising from his voice. Yet, it was the approach the boy phased Adam’s last name that told Adam it was the kind of sly mockery that came from his mouth instead of asking something of him.

Adam frozen were he stood in front of the bathroom door, his hand hovered ever so closely to the metallic doorknob. 

He thought about replying to the boy, he thought about asking what the hell he wanted.

But he didn’t, he was tired and wanted nothing more to sleep off this night. Remembering to breathe once again, Adam grabbed hold of the doorknob and didn’t wait any longer behind for any more words to come out of that kid’s mouth.

As he marched back into the dance hall, he stopped and stared at the multicolored lights flickering as they shifted throughout the long room, he listened to the last of the music play, it was on some older slow song a teacher probably wrote down to hear.

Adam let his eyes flutter shut as he tried to imagine what it was like earlier in the night. 

How he could almost feel all the other students bodies around his own, the way the music was chaotic and loud enough to burst both his eardrums, people singing along to the crappy lyrics about making money and being filthy rich.

How Adam could even imagine the way Joseph would have looked in front of him, dancing like some type of fool, showing off only for him. And after the song would be over, Joseph would take him by his hand and lead him off outside to finally tell him whatever he was going to say those few days ago.

And Adam would smile no matter how stupid it was, probably something about how Joseph needed him to help with studying for the next semester. 

He would gladly say yes to Joseph.

_ “Some are like water, some are like the heat.” _

_ “Some are a melody and some are the beat.” _

Perhaps he would eventually get to see what Joseph’s house looked like, Adam has heard throughout the grapevine on how big it was, just like to some type of Victorian mansion. 

_ “Sooner or later they all will be yours.” _

_ “Why don’t they stay young.” _

He didn’t what to open his eyes.

He didn’t want to ruin the fantasy of living in the times that he didn't destroy for himself tonight. 

It hurt too much.

Adam was reflecting on his actions, on how if he didn’t go after Whelk earlier today than this night would've been so extremely different than it is right now. 

_ “It’s so hard to get old without a cause,” _

_ “I don’t want to perish like a fading horse,” _

_ “Youth’s like diamonds in the sun,” _

_ “And diamonds are forever,” _

His breathing hitched in his windpipe as he recognized that he was the one to wreck his own chances at having some variety of average night like any other teenager.

That Adam knew that he made Joseph wait until he got so furious that he left, reasonably believing that Adam stood him up on something.

_ “So many adventures couldn’t happen today,” _

_ “So many songs we forgot to play.” _

_ “So many dreams swinging out of the blue,” _

_ “We let them come true.” _

The overflowing feeling of failure tasted just as Adam imagined it to be, his very own wet tears.

He didn’t know he was crying until he opened his eyes and it was too late for the tears to stop quietly falling from his cheeks. The only good thing about the dance right now would be hat the lighting was too dark for anyone to see him in this state.

_ “Forever young, I want to be forever young,” _

_ “Do you really want to live forever?” _

_ “Forever, and ever.”  _

He balled his fist to his sides, clenching them hard enough to stop the pain that was swelling up in his aching chest. 

He didn’t want this type of burning sadness anymore, he didn’t want to be so unbelievably idiotic anymore, he didn’t want this bearing of life anymore.

He didn’t want to be  _ himself  _ anymore.

_ “Forever young, I want to be forever young,” _

_ “Do you really want to live forever?” _

He didn’t want to be here anymore.

_ “Forever young.”  _

And so,

He left.

 

 

* * *

 

“ _ Home shit home, _ ” Ronan spoke as the BMW rolled to a stop near the trailer.

Even with the distance that Ronan put between the car and the trailer, the already lit up windows to the small kitchen area gave Adam a sick twisting feeling in his gut and only when the kitchen curtains moved to the side as someone peeked through them did the sickening feeling became dread.

As Adam was about to reach in the back to get his bag, did he remember that he left it at Monmouth, leaving it behind when he and Ronan went to  _ 300 Fox way _ to see Gansey.

_ I guess I’ll have to get it tomorrow. _ Adam thought tiredly, rubbing the exhaustion from his eyes before going out and stepping anywhere near that front door.

“Thanks for driving me around tonight,” Adam told Ronan, not daring to meet the other gaze, he was far too tired and shamefully to stare at the kindness that Ronan’s held in his eyes.

“It was nothing,” Ronan says back to him as if he didn’t take up the tiny remainder of what was left of Ronan’s long-drawn-out night. 

Adam knew it was best for him to get out of the car and not linger any longer than he was already doing. He was long past due on what time he was supposed to be back, and on top of that, he was still in his suit.

He didn’t tell his parents anything about the winter dance.

He didn’t dare too.

Opening up the door, Adam climbed out into the frigid night air. Staring up towards the night sky, how it was open and alive with shimmering stars from some faraway place that no human could touch.

How he wished to  _ there _ instead of  _ here _ .

He shut the door softly and watched silently as Ronan’s black BMW drove away into the night, disappearing into the blackness of the narrowing road ahead.

Adam made his way towards the trailer, trying to climb up the wooden steps as noiselessly as he could but it deep down he already knew he was doomed.

And as he heard the squeak of the rusted hinges of the front door slide open and the light from within the home illuminate before him, he knew that it was going to be an even longer night. 

But he knew that he was to blame for that.

He was to blame for everything.

“Hi-”

“What the hell are you wearing?” His father questioned him, cutting him off before he could even finish his sentence.

_ Always to the point, I see. _

“A suit,” Adam replied

“ _ I can see that. _ Why are you wearing a suit at twelve o’clock at night? Where have you been all damn night?”

Adam couldn’t tell Robert about his night. On how his Latin teacher attempted to kill his friend while already having killed his ghost friend who is named Noah Czerny seven years ago. How that he chased after the man in a magical forest to only be meant with his own ugly truths. And how he murdered Joseph Kavinsky’s father months ago while he was going to blow his brains out in the woods because he couldn’t take the abuse and stress anymore.

_ No _ , he couldn’t even begin on telling that sort of story to Robert on what had happened tonight.

“I was at a dance.” He informed his father, keeping his breathing steady as his knees were trembling slightly.

He hoped that Robert couldn’t see them shake in the darkness.

Robert laughed but not in amusement, but it was pushed, forced air out of his lungs as if he couldn’t believe that his own teenage son went to a school dance on a Friday night.

“What kind of girl would ever want to go to a dance with you?” Robert deemed. It wasn’t even a question. It was a statement.

Adam didn’t respond to his father, he kept his eyes on the rotting wooden planks that laid underneath his feet.

But with his silence brought something angrier in his father.

It was something far from his typical lashing out, it was the way the air shifted around him that made Adam bring his eyes up from the floor. Glancing up at his father's face, Adam only saw something bitter underneath the meat and muscles of Robert's olden face.

Adam thought he saw the same look on Whelk’s face before the man lunged at him with the hunting knife.

Adam no longer tasted failure on his tongue. It wasn’t equivalent to a taste anymore, it was a whole body experience, how it hit every nerve in his system, how it rained down within his bones, covering him in it.

_ No _ ,

It was fear that gripped him tightly like a noose around his neck.

“ _ Oh _ , no girl would go on a date with you,” Robert spoke, tilting his head to the side. “Because your fuckin  _ gay _ , that’s it. Isn’t it?”

Adam’s tongue swelled in his mouth, his limbs stopped trembling, he couldn’t catch another breath of air as he stood there. He was utterly frozen in fear. It was the same way you freeze in place as a car drives towards you.

He was  _ paralyzed _ .

“I should’ve known, I should’ve fucking known you were a  _ queer _ ,” Robert says, his unblinking stare holding Adam hostage.

“ _ No., _ ” Adam spoke ever so softly as if defending himself now would help him.

“ _ Don’t stare at me in the damn face and fucking lie! _ ” Robert roared powerfully.

He saw it coming, like a train with no breaks, his father crossing the barrier between them with his fist high in the air. The lighting made it seemed like his father was some type of heavenly angel coming down to strike him of the sins he has committed.

And as Robert’s fist make content with his cheek, a wet popping sound came through his skull and throughout his ears, his feet losing balance on the stair from the pressure of the blow. His head bouncing off the railing as he fell.

He fell, just like Lucifer from the heavens, down to the hard earth below.

He tasted blood and dirt mix in his mouth, he didn’t remember making the way down to the ground but his body sure knew it. Shock ran through him like a fever, his ear was screaming in a way that disturbed him. 

It wasn't stopping, it ran on shrieking and squealing at him.

“Really milking it,  _ huh _ ?” He heard his father say from somewhere he couldn't put where Robert was.

“Get up and face me you fucking failure.”

Adam tried to get up, reaching so far as to lean himself upon his knees but as he was beginning to stand, a sharp kick struck him in the stomach. Causing him to fall backwards to the ground, his gut tense with pain, if he hadn’t eaten anything today, he would've vomited right there. 

“I was going to talk some sense into you about how you’ve been lying to me and your mother about that damn scholarship and how much you’ve been making but this is a bigger issue at hand,” Robert spoke from above him.

“I won’t have some faggot living under  _ my _ roof. So-” He began, kicking Adam with his boot,  making Adam lay flat on his back instead clutching his stomach on his side.

“It’s up to you, to choose between wanting to live under my roof as a normal fucking human being or-” Robert paused, digging his foot into Adam’s sternum. 

“Or you can not live  _ at all, _ ” Robert told him, his eyes as black as the holes in the vacuum of space, endless and empty as they came. 

_ I’m going to die.  _ Adam thought as he stared up at his father.

_ I’m going to die in the same place I was born. _

_ Where the dirt is the same color as my hair, where I grew up learning that I had no voice in this life, where I never truly lived at all. _

_ Where I tried to kill myself. _

_ Where I saved Joseph. _

_ I wonder if Joseph is thinking about me now? _

_ I’m sorry Joseph, I don’t think I’ll ever get to know what you were going to tell me in the hallway. _

_ I’m so sorry that I made you wait. _

Adam felt Robert’s boot begin to weight down on his chest, the tension becoming unbearable as his breath started to become uncontrollable. He was panicking but did nothing to stop his father, he felt helpless under the power of the man who created him. 

Suddenly Robert’s head whipped upwards, staring at something.

“ _ The hell do you want? _ ” Robert spat angrily.

“This  _ bitch _ ,” Ronan answered before ramming his fist directly into Robert’s face.

The pressure from his father’s foot lifted from his chest yet the pain didn’t stop. 

The pain never seemed to stop at this point.

Adam rolled to his side again, his brain trying to put things into focus as the screaming in his ear had finally stopped. But as he saw Ronan and Robert began to swing fist after fist, Adam noticed something other than the red and blue flashing lights echoing off of the trailer home.

He couldn’t hear anything out of his left ear, not even a buzzing sound.

There was nothing at all.

Taking his free hand and touching his left ear lightly, it felt wet like water.

Pulling his hand back, there was blood.

_ So much blood. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we are! Finally at the end of the third Arc o(≧∇≦o) at a whole 303 pagers!
> 
> I want to say so far that you guys commenting on this story really pulls through. It really does amaze me how many of you enjoy this story. The feedback and the support Y'all show is wonderful to see and read. I wouldn't have come this far in the story if it weren't for you guys.
> 
> And as we go deeper into the story, we will see darker tones but that doesn't mean the fluff and happiness will be gone forever! (/ ‘з’)/
> 
> Whenever you guys are reading this I hope your day, night, evening, or whatever time of day is going on. That you are doing good and eating enough!
> 
> Thank Y'all again for reading and carrying on with me.
> 
> Oh, also the song that plays when Adam is standing in the dance hall is 'Forever young' By Alphaville.
> 
> I also want to say that I understand that many people identify as 'queer'. And I respect that but I also want to say that some people still use that word against the LGBTQ+ community as a slur or still have feelings of hate towards them when people call them queer. Queer used in a positive term for someone who identifies as such is a good thing but when someone uses the word for mockery and insult is not okay.


	42. What a wonderful land you live in

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "It was just a little mistake,  
> It was It was just a little mistake,  
> It was It was just a little mistake,  
> Little mistake, little mistake."
> 
> "I'm just a kid.  
> I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm I'm just a kid,  
> I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm I'm just a kid,  
> I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm I'm-I'm-I'm-I'm."
> 
> ~ Teen Pregnancy by Blank Banshee

_ Where am I?  _ Joseph ponders to himself, not grasping his surrounds as his mind floats and swirls under what feels like a cloud has been wedged in between his ears.

He hears voices in the faraway distance. Through the muck of his brain, he could virtually hear his mother’s sweet voice. If he could somehow open his eyes to see her beautiful face right now. Then things wouldn't seem so weird and strange in this new found land of darkness he has entered.

As he was about to move, he found out that he couldn’t move his body at all. It wasn't as if he was being held down in any way but he was only too tired and weak to do anything but just lay there.

_ If there was a ‘there’ to begin with that is.  _ He thought tiredly.

He could feel himself start to slip, losing consciousness didn’t feel so bad when you were this exhausted from breathing and hearing.

Yet, before he fell back into the waters of wherever he was, he wanted to stretch out his hand to his mother's voice. Touch the soft skin of her hand and tell her that this wasn't her fault.

_ It was me, mama. It has always been me. You didn’t do anything, you only tried your best to raise me in this fuckin hellhole of a world. I’m sorry I let you down again. _

_ I’m sorry I let you down all the time mama. _

_ I’m sorry you have a son like me. _

 

 

* * *

 

Joseph is finally applied to open his eyes, and what he’s greeted with isn’t in his kindness. He's in a small dimly lit room with faded once could be called white walls all around him. Light lingers ghostly in from the glass shaded windows to his left point of view. He wishes to move more of his head but something is holding his neck stiffly in place.

He tries to lift his arm to wipe the gross eye-crusties from his eyes but the muscles flexing inside his forearm causing him to groan and grit his teeth as pain unleashes fire throughout his nerves.

“ _ Fuck-”  _ Joseph cursed softly, letting his arms go limp once again.

Instead of moving his body at all, too dreadful to feel any more pain engulf himself. He takes a few more glances around the small room he lays in. A plague of shame runs coldly through him as he notices his mother laying half on his bed and the half on a pathetically small plastic chair.

Her position appears to look extremely uncomfortable yet, she doesn’t stir one bit in her sleep. Joseph couldn’t stop the sad smile to curve the tips of his mouth upward as he watched her continue to sleep.

He wanted to brush the long curls away from her face but he held back because as he began to wake up more, he saw the cast on his forearm and another cast on hand down to his wrist.

_ I really got my ass kicked.  _ Joseph thought, trying to recall the memories but ending up short as he can't remember much of what happened to him. Only remembering the argument with Acres and the fight, the last thing he clearly remembers is being held down to the ground by someone.  

Then  _ nothing _ .

Nothing but black fills his mind as he tries to remember anything more after that part.

Somehow that doesn’t bother Joseph as much as it should concern someone with laps memory. He can only lay in this unfamiliar room in this unfamiliar bed with his mother next to him. For some odd reason to him, a feeling of numbness covers over him like slow-moving tar. Running through his bones and buried deep within his chest.

Joseph had felt this feeling before but not for a  _ very _ long time.

Not since living in New Jersey with his family still somewhat holding themselves together.

Even in this calm manner, Joseph's heart raced uncontrollably. He didn’t understand why. He felt fine with the odd numbness. He wasn’t startled or worried about anything.  

Relaxing his eyes upward toward the ceiling, focusing on everything and focusing on nothing. How it felt strange to him to lay there and hear the hospital machines hooked up to him make sounds to alert the nursing staff that he is indeed  _ alive _ and breathing in the bleached air.

He wonders if this is what being alive even  _ really _ meant.

He wonders what was going to happen when he gets out of here and has to face school again.

He wonders what his mother is dreaming about when she sleeps next to him like this.

He wonders if his father is burning in hell at this very moment.

And...

He wonders what Adam is doing right now.

_ Did he go to the dance at all? Fuck, did Acres find him and try to do the same thing with him? Fuck, fuck, fuck….. _

Joseph’s thoughts started and kept on rolling just as a snowball effect down a steep hill on a snowy evening. 

He closed his eyes tightly to try and stop the thoughts but they were coming so fast that it made his head spin and spin. The numbness was quickly turning into godawful dread, his breathing picking up with every tiny gasp of breath as if it was his last.

Opening his eyes, Joseph tried to focus on the ceiling to distract his unruly mind. 

_ Come on.  _ Joseph tried to calm himself.  _ Count. Remember to count the dots on the ceiling.  _

_ Just count the dots on the fucking ceiling! _

His gaze was becoming too watery and blurred to see anything on the unfamiliar ceiling.

His coping ruined by his own futile emotions. 

A sudden warm and unease familiar feeling spread over Joseph like a blanket coming out of the dryer. Confused, he turned his gaze to beside himself. Seeing a tired nurse somehow standing next to him putting something inside a tube that connected directly to his exposed arm.

“It’s alright sweetie. This will help with the pain. Just rest.” The nurse told him in a weary voice, finishing up putting whatever type of drug into his system. 

_ When did she even? _ Joseph deemed but couldn’t finish the thought-process as he now felt like he hadn’t slept in weeks,  _ fuck it _ , even  _ months _ . His eyes becoming unbelievable heavy and Joseph didn’t have the fight in himself at all to stop them.

He let his lids close softly but without sensing a small tear stream down his face as he let the warmness take him.

 

 

* * *

 

_ “Wake up.” _

_ But I like it here. _

_ “You need to wake up.” _

_ Why do I ‘need’ to wake up? _

_ “Who else will continue on in this vessel?” _

_ What vessel? _

_ “You vessel.” _

_ I’m not a vessel. I’m a person. _

_ “Exactly. A vessel.” _

_ That…… That’s not the same as a person. _

_ A person is living and breathing with a soul. A vessel is something transporting something somewhere. I’m not going anywhere and I’m not transporting anything. _

_ “Are you sure?” _

_ I’m sure enough. _

_ “That’s not a very confident answer Joseph.” _

_ How do you know my name? _

_ “You should know why you’re a vessel. Something must be wrong” _

_ You didn’t answer my question. How do you know my name? _

_ “Something must be wrong. Very wrong, wrong, wrong,  _ **_wrong_ ** _.” _

_ What’s wrong? Me? You? LIfe? _

_ “ _ **_Yes_ ** _.” _

_ “ _ **_Yes_ ** _.” _

_ “ _ **_Y͞es_ ** _.” _

_ “ _ **_Y̞̟̥̪ęs̝͍_ ** _ ” _

_ “ _ **_Y҉̙͕e̶̮͈͝s̬̞̜̬͚̙͍̤_ ** _.” _

_ “ _ **_Y̸̷̨̛̥̜̲͔̭͇̗̣̰̺̥͛͆ͤ̉̒̍͗ḙ̪̠̫͙̯̬͇̝͙͙̐ͣ͐ͪͩ͒ͤ̇̄̋͒͛̽͒̃ͯ̇ͧ͜͝s̷͓̫̭̦̝̻̹͉͇̘̱͚̥̣͔̄͗̒ͯ͐́ͪ_ ** _.” _

  
  
  


“ _ I’m sorry. _ ”

 

Joseph wakes violently, trying to gasp for the air around him. His skin cool with the lingering feeling of cold sweat, he swore he could still hear the echoing voice bouncing around in the back of his skull as the fog lifted from his mind.

Touching his damp forehead with his free hand, he suddenly remembered something very important.

“ _ What the fuck? _ ” Joseph says, recalling now that he couldn't be able to move his hand at all because of the numerous cast he had on it. Removing his hand away from his forehead, looking downwards to his hand that is somehow now, perfectly uninjured. 

No Scars. 

No Pain. 

Nothing at  _ all _ .

He takes in the sight of the room around him and notices that it’s not the hospital room that he was staying in before, no. 

It was his bedroom back in his house.

“What’s even going on?” Joseph whispers to himself in disbelief.

_ Was I unconscious for that long? No, no, that can’t be possible. If I was in some freaky coma, I would still be in laying the hospital bed. _

Joseph was confused about what was going on, nothing in his body hurt in the slightest. He was even wearing normal clothing, a plain white T-shirt and a pair of black sweats. Although he didn’t particularly like the thought of someone changing him into another set of clothes with him unconscious.

Standing from his bed, he saw nothing wrong with anything in his room. The same somewhat messiness that it always had with that smell of old cigarettes and cheap french vanilla candles. 

Nothing was out of place, everything was...

Everything was…...  _ normal _ .

It was dark in Joseph’s room, the only  _ real _ light source that was helping him able to see was the setting sun’s maroon and orange light glowing through his window. It felt warm on his skin.

But staying in his bedroom in the tinglingly sunlight wasn’t on his agenda right now. Joseph was nevertheless still baffled on how he was here and the only way to get answers would be to find his mother.

“ _ Mama _ ?” Joseph called out as he entered the dimly lit hallway. 

Yet, no one answered his call.

_ Mhmm, maybe she’s sleeping? Seems about the right time for her to take a nap.  _ Joseph thought as he made his way towards his mother’s bedroom. As he stepped towards her bedroom door, he heard a sound.

It was the sound of someone knocking.

And it was coming from downstairs.

Catching his attention, Joseph moved his focus toward the knocking. Stepping away from his mother’s bedroom door and towards the long-awaited staircase. He made his way down the stairs slowly, carefully. Taking in the surroundings. How the quietness felt stiff and stale around his thin frame but that wouldn't be the first time he felt such a feeling in this house before. 

It just has been a while since the last time he felt unwelcomed in his own home.

With every step, the knocking got louder. Joseph almost thought that with each step he took, the knocking would only grow louder and louder until whoever was doing it punched a hole through their front door.

Finally getting to the end of the staircase, the knocking was sharper, almost feverish on how frantic it was. To say it was even knocking anymore was ridiculous. It was simple banging now.

Joseph reached for one of the door handles. Turning the metallic handle in his sweaty palm. Joseph hadn't even regarded that the banging had now halted. His heart was beating so fast that it somehow harmonize with the banging. Making him almost def with the outside forces from the realm of his body.

Letting the door open by itself, an eerie creaking as the solid door frame slid open to reveal the outside world to Joseph again.

How it was still as ugly as that night on the cold hard parking lot floor.

But as the door unmasked the person hammering away at his front door, Joseph’s throat clenched shut as his eyes began to bulge from their sockets. He couldn’t move from the sight in front of him, it was a horror from the past that he knew couldn’t be standing in front of him right now.

It was  _ impossible _ .

Who stood in front of him was none another than his father.

And not as his father normally looked on any another day of his life. No. Joseph father looked just as he and Adam left him in that dirt grave out in the forest.

_ “Oh! Look who finally got up from his fuckin beauty sleep!” _ His father says joyfully even though his left eyeball is currently hanging out of his socket yet still attached to the inners of the man’s skull.

Joseph got only gasp like a fish out of water at the sight of his father.

His skin a loss of any kind of living pigment, an ugly grey with green and blues mixed in. Showing the true rot of this walking corpse. 

“But I’m not here to do any talking, no. I’m here because I want to give you back what you left behind. Always forgetting your shit behind, I swear that I blame your mother for giving you that trait.” His father says as he takes a drag of the lit cigarette that hanged off his lips. 

“ _ Wha-... What are you giving back? _ ” Joseph asked, at last, the words broke over his taut lips.

“This,” His father says, pulling a dirty shotgun from behind his back. Pointing the barrel at Joseph.

“I think you forgot the bullet that you left in my skull.”

“So I’m returning it.”

***** **_bang_ ** *****

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> GUESS WHO'S BACK Y'ALL??? Itsa me ya boi Allenthewookie bring you the newest chapter of the beginning of the new Arc! Sorry about taking such a long break! I was (and still kinda am) doing some night classes every week and I started a job! Isn't that lit? Because I think so lol.
> 
> Anyway, I hope y'all can somehow forgive my sorry ass on being so late! And I hope that you somewhat like the new chapter of the story! I'm rusty I know too.
> 
> Please enjoy and have a good night or morning wherever you might be!


	43. Another boy in a different hospital bed

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "The smell of home makes me feel sick,  
> Because it reminds me of you.  
> And still I have got to pick."
> 
> "The day that I ruin your life,  
> The day that I ruin your life,  
> The day that I ruin your life,  
> The day that I ruin your life,  
> The day that I ruin your life."
> 
> "I told you that things would be okay,  
> Why'd you have to make me lie?  
> I wish that we had never met at all,  
> The thought of you makes me cry."
> 
> "The day that I ruin your life,  
> The day that I ruin your life,  
> The day that I ruin your life,  
> The day that I ruin your life."
> 
> ~ The day that I ruined your life by Boston Manor

“Please stay still sir. I need to check for -” A nurse began to speak but made her way toward his left side. Her voice losing any volume it had with it as she disappeared off somewhere Adam couldn't find himself to care enough to be interested in.

It was the same ear which kept on bleeding on the ambulance ride over.

The bright lights above Adam’s head made the room too white, too bleached as if he just happened to have walked out where a snowstorm had taken place. It caused them to strain Adam’s eyes. 

It was yet another thing to add to the long list of pains growing within him tonight.

“Okay sir, I’m going to ask a few questions about this ear of yours.” The nurse says, holding a clipboard in her hands with a pen in the other.

“The EMT’s told me this ear has been bleeding for while and that you were found somewhat dazed going into the ambulance after what you've said to have fallen off a porch and onto the ground. Is this all correct?” She asked him, not waiting for him to say if he wanted to be questioned or not.

“Yes, that is correct madam.” He says.

“Well with that, we’re going to take a few blood test and see if your middle ear has ruptured. So if I were you, I’d get comfortable because you're going to be here for a while. Do you need someone to contact your parents to let them know where you are?” 

For an odd reason, Adam had the impression that most nurses and doctors are told about the circumstances involving their patients. 

_ Maybe the police hadn’t told them…..  _ Adam thought.

It made him feel more relaxed than knowing that this nurse may have known that this was his father’s doing.

It made him relaxed and somewhat less shameful of himself knowing that no one knew for right now.

“No, madam. They know where I am right now.” Adam told the nurse, rubbing circles with his thumb in the palm of his hand.

He could see that there was leftover dirt lingering on them. 

“Alright then, I’ll bring in a gown for you to change into in the meantime. You can also use the bathroom right there to wash up in too.” She says while pointing to a restroom down the hall.

“Thank you, madam.” Adam echoes to her as she disappeared again but this time leaving him all to himself in the small white room.

As the second's pass, Adam tilts his head up towards the ceiling. Even if the lights do burn his eyes, Adam continues to stare at the design pattern littered across the ceiling above him.

How the patterns covered the entire wall but somehow lead nowhere.

It resonated with him.

A singular knock from the door drew him away from continuing the staring contest he had with the ceiling. Bring his attention towards the doorway, where the same nurse stood carrying what appeared to be some old hospital gowns in her hands.

“I’ll leave these here for you to take.” She says while setting the clothes down onto a greying plastic chair near the doorway.

And again, Adam didn’t have time to say another emotionless ‘ _ thank you madam’ _ to her as she left him alone right after laying the clothes down but perhaps she knew that he was running on autopilot.

He thanked her in his mind for that.

Standing up slowly from his hospital bed. He gently put both feet onto the tiled floor below. Feeling quite unbalanced on his socked toes but considering what had happened already tonight, this was nothing he couldn’t really get through. 

Walking and picking up the clothes, he made his way towards the restroom.

* * *

  
  


“Why do I have to be in here again?” Ronan asks the police officer who was designated to him. The older man in uniform resting in an ugly plastic chair not far from the where the nurse told Ronan to sit himself down and be patient.

“Because you were in a fight with an older gentleman and you are a minor, which is a serious thing.” The policeman says while keeping his arms crossed over his chest. 

“Don’t call him that,” Ronan whispers under his breath.

“Don’t call Mr. Parrish what?”

“A gentleman that’s  _ what _ .” Ronan huffed. “That  _ man _ has never been a gentleman in his whole damn life. He would’ve even know what a gentleman was if he got fucked by one.”

The police officer simply looked at Ronan like all the other adults did with him. That same confused shocked looked that had a mix of disgust thrown in for good measures. 

But as soon as that facial feature came about, another one came in instead.

“ _ Ohh _ , you must be one of the Lynch brothers.” The officer says, a significant tone on his tongue as he wagged a finger at Ronan.

Ronan felt a heat surge within the pit of his underbelly, finger-wagging or not. It only fueled Ronan’s fire to see someone think they could somehow grasp the understanding of his family. 

Just because rumors spread like vines on a crumbling building, doesn't mean you have to believe in them.

_ They don’t know shit.   _ Ronan thought to himself, attempting to keep himself in line while he waits to be given the green light to leave and find where the hell they put Adam.

“Well Mr. Lynch, it looks to be nothing terribly wrong with you.” A doctor comes walking in, staring down to a clipboard in his hands.  

“But while I was looking at your charts, it says that you’re on a prescription called  _ Saphris _ ? When was the last time you took it today?” The doctor asks him, still looking down at the papers.  

_ Fuck me. _

“This morning? Why does that matter?” Ronan asks, feeling a bit frustrated that  _ this _ is being brought up again.

“‘ _ Why’ _ it does matter, is that when you took a urine test, no traces of it came up. And that tells me you haven’t been taking it for some time now.” The doctor says, finally letting the pages go, dropping them back down onto the clipboard as he eye’d Ronan.

“Why did you stop taking it?” The doctor asks.

_ Why did I stop taking it?  _ Ronan thought to himself as he looked upon the doctor’s calm and bored expression.

_ Maybe it was because I couldn’t even remember being on it when I was actually fucking on it. _

_ Or maybe it was the worried face of my younger brother while he talked to me as if I wasn’t going to remember it later because of the full form fog that engulfed myself every time I took it? _

_ Or perhaps it could be the way it made me not want anything anymore? That any enjoyment I had left from losing my father and mother was somehow taken from my mind and left me as everyone else had. _

_ Or maybe. _

_ Just maybe, that it was because I stopped feeling like myself anymore? _

_ ……… _

_ It could be any of those. _

“I slept too much so I stopped taking it. So what? Am I going to be arrested because of that? If not I would like to leave.” Ronan states, knowing damn well that he might be pushing the envelope too much but this is getting ridiculous.  

“ _ Ah _ ... No, you are not being arrested for that. But I would like you to know that we here at the hospital help everybody with every kind of illness and types of strugglers. If you want, we can help with setting up an appointment for you, if you would li-”

“ _ No _ , no thank you. I’m good. I’m  _ fine _ .” Ronan says quickly, hoping to shut up the man so he can leave already.

The doctor nervously glances at the police officer sitting to the side of him and glances his eyes back on Ronan’s solid form.

The doctor lets out a built-up sigh, his shoulders relaxing from their stiff hold.

“If you don’t wish for an appointment,” He pauses. “Then I see no reason for you to be here anymore. Therefore, Mr. Lynch, you are free to go.” The doctor finally says. “That’s correct for both situations, am I right officer?”  

The officer quietly nods his head in silent agreement.

And that was plenty enough for Ronan to hear, as he pulls on his leather jacket and grabs his combat boots beside him. But before he could get out of the uncomfortable small room, the officer slides his leg out in front of Ronan, stopping him in his tracks.

Ronan darts an annoyed face at the seated officer, wondering what on earth could it be now?

“Remember to not get in trouble any more than you already have. Think about that mother of yours, think about when she wakes up and see-”

“ _ Thanks _ , I’ll try my damndest to try mister,” Ronan says sarcastically, not giving the officer a second glance as he steps over the leg and moves out of the room.

Ronan couldn't even deal with his anger at this very moment, too busy weaving his way through the hospital hallways. Attempting to find a desk where someone could give him the information he's looking for. 

Turning a corner, Ronan finds himself a few feet away from a desk where a young-looking nurse is seated down in front of a computer screen. Walking over, Ronan waits for the nurse to look up towards him.

“Can I help you?” The nurse says in a dull voice, not taking her eyes up off of her computer screen.

“Uh, I’m looking for Adam Parrish?”

“And how are you connected to him?” The nurse questions him.

_ Remembering what time it was and all those cheesy crimes show Ronan watched, they most likely wouldn’t let a friend visit him right now.  _

“I’m his cousin.”

The nurse finally lifts her gaze and away from the screen to stare at Ronan blankly. 

“ _ Second _ cousin,” Ronan repeats.

…………………………….

“He’s in room 419.” She says before turning her gaze back down towards the computer screen.

“Thank you,” Ronan responds, being fully aware that she probably knew that he wasn’t at all related to Adam but nonetheless he did appreciate that she told him the room number anyway.

Once again he is grateful for some people not having enough fucks to give in their line of work.

Ronan walked through hallway to hallway, trying to find the room 419. And as he was looking, he couldn’t help but feel his nerves shake with anxiety. 

The last time he saw Adam was through a police car window, watching as his friend was being picked up from the ground and put on a stretcher alarmed him but see how limp Adam’s body was, how he was fully unconscious only made Ronan dread for what he might see the state of his friend could be in.

_ I should have never let him get out of the car. _

_ I should have never let him go back to that house.  _

_ I should have of told him that he didn’t need to go back to them. _

Like so many times before, the ‘should haves’ pile up so high that a mountain couldn’t even begin to compare them. 

_ 401 _

_ 409 _

_ 410 _

_ 416 _

_ And finally…… _

Ronan stands motionless in front of a chestnut colored door. 

It’s closed at the moment but simply seeing it makes Ronan’s blood drain from his body and spill out all across the floor. 

Of course, that didn’t happen but it sure felt like it to Ronan. 

_ Just do it!  _ Ronan thought, attempting to encourage himself to place his hand on the door handle and walk into the room but in all reality, it isn’t that simple.

_ It’s never that simple. _

_ but………. _

_ What if he blames me? _

That question was all that Ronan needed to not open the door.

Could Ronan take on Adam if he blamed Ronan for letting him go home? 

What would happen if Adam did? 

What would happen to their friendship?

Ronan couldn’t lose Adam.

He couldn’t lose him too.

All the times he watched Adam work in school. How Adam would sometimes fall asleep in the passenger seat in his car while driving back to Monmouth after a long day. The times were they sat together in silence, where Ronan couldn’t speak the words that he always wanted to tell the other boy was something he couldn’t let die on his tongue just yet.

Maybe it’s selfish to need this friendship with Adam but Ronan couldn’t let Adam go. Sure, Adam could like another person, that wasn’t up for Ronan to have a say in now but Ronan still needed Adam to be his friend.

There are things Ronan wishes to forget and replace with better memories but Adam wasn’t one of them. Bad or good.

Adam was the one to help ease the weight of the world off Ronan’s back.  

Ronan grabbed the door handle.

And began to walk in.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW! Really want to say sorry to everyone (*´Д｀)=з I was away for an overnight thing for my work and I did not have any time actually write anything until I got back to my place. So please take mercy on me (っ´ω｀c) I was also having kind of a hard time because these months are hard for me because I don't have a family anymore to celebrate holidays with.
> 
> But hey anyway! I give you chapter 43! Sorry if it feels rushed in some parts. I kept on re-writing things because they didn't feel right at times but I still hope you enjoy this chapter!
> 
> I hope y'all have had some good days and believe in yourselves because sometimes that's the only thing you can do in the end even if that is the hardest thing for you to do right now.
> 
> Let your days be great just like each and every one of you (♡´౪`♡) if it be morning or night when you read this just remember that I, myself hope your day is full of life and wonder.


	44. Could I ever be half of what you need?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Dress me up in your chameleon skin.  
> I don't wanna remember who I've been."
> 
> "And so time just seems to move slow.  
> So go, go ahead, abuse control"
> 
> "Dress me up in your chameleon skin,  
> I don't wanna remember who I've been.  
> Dress me up in your chameleon skin.  
> I don't wanna remember who I've been,  
> Who I've been."
> 
> ~Chameleon Skin by The Flatliners

Ronan couldn’t help but merely stare uncontrollably at the boy who sat ahead of him. 

The tired, worn appearance stretched over his beautiful features appeared ten times worse with the violet purple and greens that marked his sun-kissed skin. Some dried blood stuck to the left side of Adam's face from where he fell off the porch and hit his head. 

There were many times before, Ronan had seen Adam’s damaged face but deep down into his heart, this time…….

Ronan knew that this  _ was _ his fault.

He nearly forgot that he had to say something, you couldn’t walk right into someone’s hospital room and gawk at them like some type of lost child in the middle of a busy mall hoping that someone would help it.

But even as he was thinking of something to say, he couldn’t bring his lips to form any words of comfort to the other boy.

It wasn’t because he was lost for words,  _ oh god no. _ It wasn’t that.

It was because Ronan knew that no amount of kind words could make this situation any better for Adam.

_ What a great fucking friend, I am.  _ Ronan thought sarcastically. 

“ _ I... I.. _ ” Ronan says but fails to say anything, mouth hanging open, lips parted.

“It’s a surprise to see that you want to say something first for a change,” Adam says as he held onto his suit jack in his hands, head looking downwards to the tiled floor.

“But it’s alright. You don’t have to say anything to pity me. I don’t need it.”

Ronan watched Adam with wide burning eyes, Adam hasn’t looked up at Ronan since he walked in. Only now, keeping his gaze on his feet. 

Somehow that felt colder than Ronan imagined it was going to be.

“I’m not here to  _ ‘pity’ _ you Adam,” Ronan says, holding himself back from stomping his feet from the frustration.

“I’m here because I care about what happens to you, Adam,” Ronan says, his throat feeling unbelievable dry now, having opened his mouth.

_ Please just listen to me for a few seconds….. _

Adam doesn’t move his eyes off of the floor.

“Plus I’m not here to warm you with some sort of ‘friendly’ words because I know, for one that, that doesn’t work in the long-run. So don’t think I see you as some breed of idiot. Because we both you’re smarter than most kids that go to Aglionby.”

“Only you would say that Ronan,”

“I doubt that, if Gansey were here right now he would agree with me. So would Blue and Noah.” Ronan says, sliding the door behind himself close to give them privacy to talk.

“Blue doesn’t go to Aglionby and Noah is dead, Ronan.”

“Alright yeah, you got me there but that doesn’t mean both of them can’t see how much value you have as a person,” Ronan responds, taking a pause to breathe in. “And even if you don’t believe in me. I think no one could ever replace you.” 

With that, Adam finally lifts his head. Displaying Ronan just how badly his face truly is. 

Most of the darkest bruises have made their place on Adam's left side while lighter ones linger behind on the right side. Even with all the fights Ronan has been in, he couldn’t imagine the pain Adam must be in right now. 

Not just physically but  _ emotionally _ .

Ronan didn’t know his feet were moving forward until he was standing in front of Adam. It was somewhat funny even at this height, Ronan was taller than the sitting boy.

Looking into Adam’s eyes was harder than normal for Ronan.

The brilliant blue color of Adam’s eyes that shined day after day was red-rimmed with specks of blood floating within them.

It was enough to make Ronan’s knees shake so much that he needed to rest. Making Ronan gently get on his knees before he could collapse from pure anger.

As Ronan migrated to the floor, Adam’s dense eyes tracked his every movement, like some kind of frightened street animal watching in curiosity as someone laid food out for them to take.

Yet, Adam wasn’t some kind of animal.

He was just a boy trying to make his way through his life.

Ronan let his eyes wander, discovering where Adam’s hands held his suit jack in his lap. Ronan smoothly lifted one of his hands to meet Adam’s, he did it so slowly that if Adam wanted too, he could pull away from Ronan’s touch. 

But Adam  _ didn’t _ .

He let Ronan touch his hands at this moment.

Ronan stared on at this hand on Adam’s, his mouth slightly parted in mid-thought.

“ _ How long do you have to stay here? _ ” Ronan whispered, trying desperately to keep his words and emotions in check.

“Until they get my tests results back, which will be a while,” Adam replied quietly.

“Do you mind if I wait with you?” Ronan asked.

“Not at all,” Adam says, letting Ronan squeeze his hands.

They stayed like that for some unknown amount of time, not worrying or talking to fill any type of voids that might invade them both. Even as Adam saw tears fall from Ronan’s eyes, he didn’t say anything.

Only to squeeze the other boy’s hand back, letting Ronan know that it's  _ okay _ .

That it’s okay to cry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright (￣ε￣〃)ｂ I know this chapter is super short but I wanted to do this scene on its own without anything else around it (Kinda like taking away the emotions from the whole scene if that makes any sense at all ( 〃．．))
> 
> Anyway, here's chapter 44 and I hope that it makes sense to Y'all. And also I hope that your day is good and filled with relaxing feelings of warmth. And if not here's a hug for you (っ*´∀｀*)っ


	45. Can I get it cheaper?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And I wish, I wish, I wish, I wish,  
> I knew the way you viewed me when I withdrew.  
> Was it, was it, was it preferred.  
> Or just used to? I know I used you."
> 
> "You don't know and you won't.  
> Arizona you burned my throat.  
> And you were loyal to a fault,  
> But I know I left a lot of it all with you."
> 
> ~ Arizona by Pianos Become the teeth

Adam slowly awoke from a dreamless sleep. 

His body was accustomed to stirring awake at early hours of every morning. Fortunately for him, it happened to be a Saturday. 

Meaning he had no work this morning.

His vision was blurry as his eyes tried to adjust to the lack of lights around him. Before his eyes could tell him where he was, he already knew from the soreness in his entire body and lack of sound in his left ear, that last night did happen and wasn’t some sort of horrible dream.

Trying to sit up was out of the question when Adam’s eyes adjust to the darkness and saw Ronan sleeping closely next to him on the small hospital bed. 

Adam thought it was somewhat odd to see the other so up close without a strong shield blocking out his true feelings. 

_ I guess in one's dreams you can be yourself without the fear of rejection from others around you.  _ Adam thought tenderly, watching the other boy's chest rise and fall with every breath.

“You know, that some people consider it rude to watch others sleep.”

Adam's eyes darted to glance upwards from Ronan’s chest to his eyes. Recognizing that now, Ronan's eyes are open and observing him. Making Adam feel a bit bashful for staring for so long.

“When did you wake up?” Adam questioned, hoping that the abrupt shift in subject cools his fiery cheeks.

“ _ When do you think? _ ” Ronan responds, sitting up from where he laid. 

“Fair enough.”

Adam knew how poorly Ronan slept, the regular continuous of stories he would hear from Gansey were enough to make Adam question if Ronan ever got a good night's sleep. Ragging from screams in the night to finding the boy baking cakes, and eventually running miles to tire himself out enough to not think straight anymore.

And that was coming from Gansey too, that boy also had his fill of nights of sleepless wonder.

“I told some nurse that walked in a while ago, that when you woke up that she could come back and talk to you.” 

“What did she want to talk to me about?”

“I didn’t ask. Didn’t want to wake you up.” Ronan says, climbing out of the small bed while rubbing his shaved head with his hand.

_ Oh. _

Adam didn’t entirely know why but he felt touched that Ronan cared that he got some sleep last night. 

He also wondered if he looked  _ that _ tired.

“Do I look that bad?” Adam asked, sitting up, already feeling that he was almost better off continuing to sleep away the day.

“Nothing food and some coffee couldn’t fix.” 

Ronan was somewhat right in a way. Adam was incredibly hungry and thirsty as the seconds ticked away from him waking up. 

As if on cue, a soft knocking came at the door frame. The door gradually opened to show a young looking nurse wearing rainbow scrubs and a clipboard in her arms.

“Adam Parrish?” She asked softly.

“Yes, that’s me,” Adam says from his bed, already knowing she knows it’s him and not Ronan.

“I have some good news and some bad news for you.” The young nurse says with way too much excitement for anyone to have this early in the morning.

“But don’t worry, you’ll be leaving the hospital today.” She says with a cheery smile.

“Alright, so bad news first.” She says glancing down to her clipboard. “It appears that you certainly did rupture your inner ear and surgery can be done on it, thankfully." 

Adam didn’t think that was good news nor bad news at all.

It felt like horrible news.

“So would you like to make an-”

“ _ Wait _ , wait, wait please for a second,” Adam interrupts the nurse, her smiling face freezing as Adam begins to speak.

The gravity of adulthood is once again scaling heavy on Adam’s back. He knows that he doesn’t have insurance for any kind of operation much less the bill that he’s going to get for an overnight stay at the hospital and ambulance ride.

“ _ Uh _ ,” Adam begins but hesitates when he remembers that Ronan is in the room with him.

His eyes land on Ronan’s eyes and Adam only hopes that Ronan can get the hint of leaving him alone with the nurse. 

But unfortunately Ronan merely gazes back at the other, his icy eyes are nearly daggers to Adam. As if he's telling Adam that he shouldn’t be ashamed with this kind of situation.

_ But you wouldn't know Ronan. You would never know what it’s like to be so poor you can’t afford something you need. _

_ And, I don't want you to know how much it stings either. _

It seemed Ronan wasn’t going anywhere unless Adam verbally said something to him.

“I need to talk with the nurse, alone,” Adam says, not asking for Ronan to leave but more kindly  _ ordering _ the other to give them some room to talk.

Ronan doesn’t move from where he stands.

Adam doesn’t say a single word more to the other.

“Fine,” Ronan mutters harshly, grabbing his jacket and marches himself out the door, not waiting for anyone to thank him for leaving the room.

Adam watches as the door shuts loudly and can only hope that it doesn’t disturb the other patients nearby.

This hasn't been the first time something like this has happened between the two of them.

He naturally lets out a sigh of frustration. 

“Is there anything else that I can do other than getting the surgery?” Adam asks, turning his attention back to the nurse.

“Well, we could do an eardrum patch for you. It’s when the doctor places some special chemicals to the tear and hopefully help it heal over the hole over time but that doesn’t always help. Especially with bigger hole like yours.” She says.

“It’s also more prone to re-tearing and having long-term effects on your hearing ability as well.” She discourses, trying to argue Adam into getting the surgery then the latter.

But to Adam, there isn’t a real choice to make here.

He doesn’t possess the money,  _ oh wait, scratch that.  _

He  _ knows _ for a fact that he doesn’t have the money to get surgery right now. Having way more pressing matters with finding a place to live in and getting food into himself.

_ Surviving is what I need to do right now.  _ Adam believes as he remembers the feeling of his father’s hands around his tender throat.

“I’ll take the patch instead, please,” Adam says to the nurse, holding his own hand beneath the blankets. Giving himself small comfort in making this decision on his own.

From the observations across the room, the nurse appears that she was hoping that Adam would go with her word but bad luck to her. 

She probably hasn’t meant someone as unyielding as Adam Parrish before.

“ _ Uh _ , alright. I’ll tell the doctor you would like the patch instead of the surgery but before I go tell him that I need to read you off the things you need to do and know after the patch has been placed on.” She says. “I’ll be back with a few pieces of paper for you to sign and the instructions on what you need to do and avoid while having the patch on.”

Nodding his head, Adam sits still and waits as the young nurse opens the door and slips out to get him the promised papers.

And not even a minute going by, Ronan slips back into the small room. Moving to the chair next to Adam’s hospital bed but not before he throws a fig newton bar towards Adam. Then collapsing into the seat as he tears open a fig newton bar of his own.

They sit in silence as both of them eat.

_ Well _ , not until Ronan speaks up.

“Gansey’s coming to pick us up.”

Adam almost chokes on his fig newton bar as he hears the words come out of Ronan’s mouth.

“ _ And why is he coming? _ ”

“Because I don’t have my car here and he should know about this.”

Hearing the reasons didn’t help ease the simmering heat Adam had under his belly with feeling betrayed by Ronan on this. 

It was one thing with Ronan just being there with him.

And it was a very much a different thing for Gansey to be there as well.

Adam wanted to question Ronan on why he didn’t ask him first before beckoning the ‘group leader’ over to see his bruised and broken face but as soon as he was about to open his mouth, the room door is opening again as the young nurse is stepping in.

He guessed that he would just have to sit like an upset child and get over it.

But the only thing was, he didn’t want to ‘ _ get over it _ ’. 

He wanted to yell and scream to the sky regarding how Gansey had no business in this situation, that he, himself was perfectly fine on doing this on his own and that he didn’t need Ronan or Gansey giving him pitied looks behind his back.

He is  _ fine _ .

He will always be just  _ fine _ .

As the nurse was naming off things he needed to do when the patch is placed on, he was swallowing thick layers of fierceness that came with a numb sort of heartache that he always had to do during these types of circumstances.

It wasn’t that he disliked Gansey for being his friend or even being there for him but it was and will be the ‘I told you’ expressions and the giving of handouts that pissed Adam off like no other. At least Ronan knew when to stop and quietly let him do thing his own way.

It was always a fight with Gansey and Adam didn’t like fighting.

Especially with Gansey.

_ Fuck………. _

_ What am I going to do? _

 

 

* * *

 

“He’s pissed.”

“ _ What _ ? Why’s that?” Gansey says as he takes a quick sip off of his hospital grade tea.

“Because I picked up my phone and told you what happened,” Ronan says as he picks at a soon-to-be hangnail.

“But what did he expect? To keep it a secret from me forever?” Gansey asks, placing the tea back down, probably not the kind he’s used too.

“Dude, I think he’s just placing his anger in weird places right now. I don’t know what happened when I dropped him off at the winter dance but he looked upset. And not normal upset either.”

“And what would normal upset be, Ronan?”

“Mad, pissed, frustrated,  _ I don’t know _ stuff like that,” Ronan explains, the hangnail is bleeding now,  _ great _ . “But when he came back out, it looked like he was crying.”

“Why would he be crying?” Gansey questions again, trying to take another sip off the tea but his facial feature betrays his distaste of the drink.

“Hell if I know. He didn’t tell me why he was going in the first place.”

But as Ronan was chewing on his nails, his brain was mulling over what could of upset Adam so enormously. It wasn’t that Adam never got sad,  _ fuck _ , they knew presently how sad the boy got overtime now.

Then like a switch was turned on in a pitch black room, it somehow made sense instantly.

_ Joseph fucking Kavinsky. _

“I think I might know why he was so upset now,” Ronan whispers, rubbing both hands down his face. “You’re not going to like it though.”

“It has to be better than not knowing why.”

“It’s Kavinsky.”

There was a hush that drifted between them as that name left Ronan’s lips. As if someone finally dropped a curtain on a late-running show that stayed on for too long.

“ _ Wh- _ ”

“I’m not sure……  _ but _ I can just feel that he has something to do with Adam,” Ronan says, a slight worry creeping over his back.

Maybe it was solely how Ronan’s brain worked but something within him told him that it was rather odd when Joseph began hovering around Adam out of the blue like that back all those months ago.

It reminds Ronan of what Whelk had said to them the night before.

_ “Yeah, it’s fucking you. Everyone knows what you did, Whelk.” _

_ “Me? I’m not the only one to blame here.” _

_ “Adam, what is he talking about?” _

_ “I’m talking about how your friend, that you deemed was so righteous. Murdered a man in cold blood in the middle of the forest.”  _

_ “But you see that Adam, we weren’t so different in the end.” _

How could Ronan nearly neglect the allegation that Whelk stated about Adam? He felt unbelievably stupid that it had slid from his mind in the hours that it was said.

“And…..” Ronan began to speak.

“I hardly doubt it’s something  _ good _ too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyyyyy (*´_ゝ｀) alright I'm hoping that I can update once a week. Just because I'm getting busier than my first time writing updates. So I hope Y'all don't mind that ┃(・ω┃
> 
> And YES! I know Joseph hasn't been in the lastest chapters much but this is the second to last Arc and this one will probably and I say probably o(-ε´･+) be the longest Arc that will be written before the last arc happens. So yeah, I see y'alls comments on Joseph, so please be patience with me.
> 
> But yeah here's the newest chapter and I also know that not much happens in this one and it might be weird because as I was writing this chapter something happened to me and I was trying to pick up pieces of how I can work with this situation (-д-；) anyway, I hope y'alls day is going very lovely and no matter what time of day your reading this that I hope you got some food and water into yourself and that maybe it's hard to hear from me but please be nice to yourself.
> 
> I know that can be the hardest thing to do right now but you are a human and deserve the kindest of yourself.


	46. Time to head back home where things never felt so unbelievable cold

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "And I'll call you when the party's over."
> 
> "Quiet when I'm coming home and I'm on my own,  
> And I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that.  
> Yeah I could lie, say I like it like that, like it like that."
> 
> "But nothing is better sometimes,  
> Once we've both said our goodbyes.  
> Let's just let it go.  
> Let me let you go."
> 
> ~ When the party's over By Billie Eilish

Adam walked through of the hospital front doors, feeling exhausted as the bright sun beamed down on upon him as the wind made him shiver from the cold. 

Pulling his dirtied suit jacket closer to his form, he scanned the packed parking lot to find Gansey’s Camaro. Eventually, his eyes fell on The Pig, were it hide near a walkway and some leave-less tresses.

Walking over, Adam opened the car door, letting himself slip in the passenger seat.

Stealing a look of the backseat, Adam noticed Ronan laying down. His leather jacket covering his eyes and most of his face, reasonably blocking out the blindingly bright sun that was out today.

“ _ Hey… _ ” Gansey says, his hands already placed on the wearing steering wheel. Probably keeping them there to focus his mind and eyes on something other Adam's batter face. 

Adam knew one thing and one thing very well, and that was how Gansey acted when he didn’t want to fight with him.

From that one mere word and the way, his shoulders were stiff in front of himself, said that he had paid for Adam’s medical bills.

But Adam wasn’t here in the passenger seat of his friend’s car to argue with him on this sort of matter.  _ Oh no. _ He only wanted to move forward from  _ ‘this’ _ , from this weird event that has unfolded like a bad horror movie.

He was utterly too tired to fight anymore.

And that was saying quite a bit, on how Adam was one to fight tooth and nail with people handing out money to him as charity.

“Can I ask for a favor?” Adam questions Gansey, slowly opening and closing his numbing hand from the lack of warmth in the vehicle. 

“Of course, what is it?” Gansey asks, surprisement betrayed his voice but Adam was just as surprised as Gansey was from the statement spilling out of his chapped lips.

“I want Blue to help me get my things,” Adam replied to the other, not leaving much room for Gansey to ask why. 

“Yeah, we can pick her up and we-”

“No, I want her only to help me. Just her. Alone.” Adam interrupts, his words soft but deeming, not wanting to hurt the others feelings.

Gansey seems to be puzzled on this statement. His brows pinched together most rational thinking on why on earth would he pick her over the other two boys?

Adam believes it’s the most logical thing to ask for.

Gansey and Ronan had money all their lives and probably will have the same type of wealth at the end of their lives as well. Not knowing the taste of constant concern on their tongues as they check their bank accounts after every purchase.

_ But Blue? _

From the tiny bit of conversations between the two, so far has shown that both know what it feels to be like that. Maybe not so much Blue but to Adam, it was just enough to have someone on his level of understanding to ease the shame from his veins.

He saw the many occasions where Gansey would try and pay for her things, yet in the end, she wouldn’t stand for it.

And for that, Adam liked her very much.

“You can borrow my car,” Ronan says suddenly from the backseat where Adam assumed he was sleeping but perhaps only resting his head from the reduction of sleep he got the night before.

“ _ Hell _ , maybe finally those lessons I taught you will come in handy,” Ronan says breathlessly from under his jacket.

“Didn’t you just teach me to do donuts in the parking lot?” Adam asked.

“Yeah, I did,” Ronan said.

“ _ I sure did. _ ” 

 

* * *

 

Adam remains quietly seated inside of Ronan’s BMW, the car placed in the park while he waits for Blue to come out of her large home. The few good things about Ronan's BMW is that it has a working heater, something The Pig does have but doesn't work all the time.

The hum of the running car is the only sound you can hear from within, Adam couldn't bring himself to turn on the music. Too frightened of what he might find lurking inside Ronan’s CD player.

Either way, silent or loud, the beating of Adam’s heart was feverish inside himself. 

It wasn’t because he would be alone with Blue, that was somewhat ridiculous to consider, especially on how long they’ve known each other now. On what they’ve both been through together. Terrifying or pleasant, they were over such things as being scared to be around each other without the others.

Adam pushed his rounded spine against the driver's seat, then letting his head rest on the warming leather cushion. 

He wanted to try and relax yet he knew that that wouldn’t happen today or the next. Comprehending just enough that this won’t go well for his buzzing nerves to even begin to settle down until weeks later.

Easily said……..

Adam is scared.

But he would never admit that.

He didn’t want to be because, for some odd reason deep down into the pits of his soul, he knew that if he admitted out loud for all to hear, then his father has won.

Yes, Robert did beat him, threatened him, yelled and screamed at him. But Adam never showed his father the fear that ate away at him. 

Just knowing that letting Robert see that part of him, gave his father the power to control him.

Adam wasn’t one for someone to control him.

It’s true that Robert controlled his movements but only to an extent. Adam made  _ his _ own schedules, went to the school  _ he _ desired, and hanged out with friends  _ he _ wanted too.  

In Adam’s mind, there is a difference between controlling someone by their emotions also then controlling them by how they live their lives.

And he would preferably be controlled by his life than by his emotions. Because you can make a new life, start all over and live once again someplace new and far away.

But to be controlled with  _ emotions _ ?

_ Well _ , It’s a lot harder erasing emotions that have been violently engraved into yourself by another person.

Perhaps it could be that it was only Adam who thought this way but he stuck by it.

It was  _ that _ or let his world crumble in the palms of his callused hands.

The sound of a door handle being tugged on brings him gradually out of his swarming thoughts. Glimpsing over, he eyes Blue enduring the coldness of the outside air. Unlocking the car for her, she hops in without so much as skipping a beat.

Her hair tucked into what it appears to be a small handmade knitted beanie, the colors that are snitched in are too many for Adam to count on his fingers and toes combined. 

The winter coat she wears almost swallows her upper body and the scarf around her neck doesn’t help her as well. Most likely knitted as well and with different kinds of deep purples running through it. Topping it the look off with a baby blue skirt with multi-colored striped leggings underneath.

There was always something about the way Blue dressed that made Adam feel joyful in her fashion sense. It wasn’t just how  _ extreme _ each outfit was but how Blue didn’t have the patience to worry what others think of her clothing choices. 

“ _ My god _ , Adam…,” Blue murmurs breathlessly, drawing her scarf away from her mouth to speak.

It only now has occurred to him that no one told her how badly his face was. Adam had been using Ronan’s phone to call her while Gansey drove them back from the hospital and somehow forgot to say anything about how he appeared. He tried his best at times to not remember how he looked. It was just how he was.

“I don’t want to talk about it right now…… I just want to get this over with, okay?” Adam requests.

“You’ll have to talk about it at some point.” Blue leans back into her seat, her eyes staring straight ahead of herself. “And not just saying you’ll talk about it, I mean really  _ really _ talk about it. Maybe not with me but with someone Adam.”

Adam pauses, letting her words sink into him as he holds onto the steering wheel. He knows that he should but  _ damn it, _ it’s so hard for him to bring himself to say anything about it. It’s as if his lips automatically clamp down on themselves if his brain even begins to think about speaking about his  _ ‘family’ _ issues.

“Do you think I  _ honestly _ don’t know that already?” He asks back, already regretting the words that leave his lips. Hearing the annoyance in his own voice makes him wince with disappointment for saying anything in the first place.

“Sorry.” He mutters to her.

“It’s alright. Sometimes people don’t want to talk about their problems, sometimes talking about it only makes it worse.” She says, taking off her long scarf and placing it on her lap.

“But…...” She pauses, putting one of her hands on top of his that rest on the steering wheel. Her fingers were slightly chilly while her palm stayed warm. It was also unique, noticing her lovely brown skin reflect off of his sickly pale olive tone.

How she was full of life while he appeared half-way through death itself.

“I might not ever understand what has happened or what your feeling at this moment, Adam. But I need you to know that no one has to do anything alone, especially you." She says, giving his hand a small squeeze with her own.

Adam knows that Blue knows he won’t say another word on how he feels right this second. Acknowledging that she also takes no ill from his silence, only that he has listened to what she had to say.

She smoothly takes her hand off of his, leaning back into her leather bond seat while sliding a seatbelt over herself.

“Okay, I’m ready.” She says.

“Let’s go get your stuff and burn some rubber.” She smiles brightly at him.

“I think you have been hanging out with Ronan too often. He’s starting to wear off on you, and I can’t tell if that’s a good thing or not.” Adam states shaking his head, pulling back the gear shift off of park.

“Who knows? Maybe I’m rubbing off on him too.”

Adam thought about that as he started to drive towards his old home.

And for a few seconds, he imagined that perhaps it wasn't such a bad thing.

 

 

* * *

 

As much as he needed to get his belongings, all he wanted to do was shift the car around and keep on driving until the road turned into dirt and the dirt turned into nothing.

Looking at the trailer was very much something that felt like a deja vu from some nightmare you had the night before, leaving you with cold sweat that lingered on the palm of your hands and clung to your back.

And that’s precisely how Adam felt as he sat uncomfortably soundlessly next to Blue in the driver's seat. The sweat on both of his hands made them slip bit by bit on the leather steering wheel.

The engine was already turned off and put in park, the heat slowly draining from the vehicle as the cold weather ate it from the outside.

“ _ You know _ ….” Blue begins. “You don’t have to do this today. You can always come back and get your stuff later.”

Adam knew she had a point, but if he did leave it for another day, it would just be another day where both of his parents would go through his things and destroy what they found fit of said destruction.

And by the looks of it, it appeared that they already started…..

Clothing and some books have been tossed out onto the dirt filled grassy lawn.

_ I guess it’s a good thing it hasn’t rained too much in the past few days.  _ Adam thought as he stared out onto the lawn.

But even with that logic, it didn’t help him with the unpleasant prickling that rose up in his eyes. That dull ache that solely came with this type of frustration, how it started in the backs of his eye sockets. How he always had to pinch the bridge of his nose to make it stop, stopping it for another day.

“If I come back a different day. Then I won’t have anything to come back to pick up,” Adam mumbles, he doesn’t know if he was saying that to Blue or himself.

“So, what do you want me to do?” Blue asks him, keeping her head straight ahead but her eyes are watching him.

Adam struggles to think of how to go through with this sort of situation. There wasn’t any variety of media that began to show how to pick up your stuff from the home you’ve just been kicked out. 

No books to tell you how to deal with your father that hit you so hard that your eardrum ruptured, no movie to show you how to go about your day with a mother that didn’t come to comfort you when you screamed her name. 

There was  _ nothing _ for him to go off of.

And that only made Adam feel alone in the world.

But that wasn’t something entirely new to him.

Just as any other day, he swallows that sadness and pushes open the car door. The rush of frigid air greets him and this time, he's grateful for it. Hopefully forcing him to focus on the cold rather than his emotions.

Literally, cooling himself down.

Adam closes the door and not too far behind himself, Blue opens her side and climbs out, shutting the door after she’s re-wrapping the knitted scarf around herself. Keeping herself safe from the chilly air.

He doesn’t wait for Blue, already making his way toward the things that litter the faulty lawn in front of them. Stopping were his belongings are visible now, revealing to him what they are.

Bending down, Adam picks up one of the few pictures his parents had of him. One were he was a newborn, his hair being a golden brown and not yet stained with dirt. The glass shielding the picture has been broken, shaders falling out of the fragile wooden frame. 

It's ironic that that’s how his family would always be.  _ Broken _ .

A foreshadowing that was too late to warn his younger self from the dilemmas that would, unfortunately, develop in his near future.

“Adam….” He heard Blue say from above him. He nearly forgot about her while he gazed into the younger form of himself.

Standing back up, he took the wooden frame out of it’s holding, gently slipping the picture out and placing it in his back pocket for another time.

_ For another time, a forgotten time so, so long ago. _

“Help me pick these up,  _ please _ .” He asked of her but there was no need for it, she was already on the hard muddy ground pulling things up and settling them in some trash bags she brought with her.

It was as if his whole body was on autopilot. Falling back to his knees, plucking up more of his belongings with jittery fingers, then subsequently remembering all of the things that could have been but now he'll never have them.

His past holds fixed in the fibers of his well being, and he's being punished for it.

It wasn’t long for the both of them to get everything off of the lawn, but for Adam, it had felt all too long for his body to bear. His fingers frozen and burning from the harsh cold although he didn’t object from it, the pain was straightforward to have then the aching in his eyes.

Eventually, the time had come to enter the home. Adam couldn't know for sure if Robert would be indoors, on the count of his odd jobs however he knew that his mother was inside.

And if Adam was being honest with himself.

He didn’t know if she was any worse than Robert.

It didn’t matter now as he walked up the semi-broken wooden porch, he gazed at where he fell and broke the trailing. Seeing it reminded him of his ear, wondering how long it would take to heal up before he could hear anything out of it again.

With his numbing hand, he knocks on the front door, waiting for it to be opened by his mother. 

It wasn’t long until the door opened to present his mother, her withered eyes stare at him as a cigarette dangles off her lips. She didn’t seem surprised to see him standing in front of her.

“Get in your wasting the heat.” Was all she utters to them, leaving the door exposed for them as she wanders deeper into the tiny home.

They didn't wait around any more than they had to with that kind of greeting. Maybe for Blue, this might be odd, but for Adam, it was perfectly normal behavior.

_ Home sweet home. _

With entering the trailer, the familiar smell of old cigarettes and earth came at Adam stronger than he thought it would. It truly is an unusual sensation for him, to have the scent of home wash over him but understood enough to be comforted by it. 

He and Blue walked stiffly into the kitchen area, his mother already sitting down at the table with an ashtray next to her with a store bought brand soda in hand.

“You can take everything that you think is yours, but I’ll look through the bags to make sure you aren’t taking what’s originally  _ ours _ .” His mother tells him, blowing smoke out her mouth after taking a drag off her cigarette.

_ I’m not surprised….  _ Adam thought, beginning to turn around but Blue stopped him. She stood straight and tall, not wavering to the woman at the table.

“You can’t simply say what he  _ can _ and  _ can’t _ take. It’s his. He should be allowed to take his things back.” Blue says.

_ You can't win this fight, Blue.  _ Adam wanted to tell his friend, but hopefully, she could tell by the way his eyes are on her.

“I can do what I want. I’m still his parent.”

“No parent would do the things you're doing to him,” Blues says, not hesitating to show off her temper with people she doesn’t even know.

“Are you a parent?” His mother questions her.

“No, I’m not.” Blue replies.

“Then you know nothing about losing a child.”

“But he’s not gone, he’s standing right here and you’re treating him as if he did something unforgivable to you.” Blue swelled, her shoulders shake with frustration.

His mother didn’t repose to Blue, only chuckling low, keeping the inside joke to herself as she sips on her soda.

“Are you going to get your shit or not?” His mother questioned him, clearly done with Blue’s statements.

Before Blue could try and argue with her again, Adam puts a hand on her shoulder, pulling her gently towards him. She glances back to him, her eyes wide with a fire that could burn this whole trailer down. And as much as he wanted to let her do that, he only shakes his head.

“Come on,” He whispers unintentionally.

For a moment, it seemed that Blue wasn’t going to go, but she huffed and turned around with him, both of their backs to his mother at the table.

And as he walked towards his room, it felt as he was turning his back on her, like she did that time so long ago.

If he’s not there for Robert to lash out too, who will he go after then?

Most likely her.

And she knew that reality.

 

 

* * *

 

The sun was beginning to set in the background, as Blue and Adam were putting trash bag after trash bag into the BMW. 

Adam never had much of anything but seeing all his things in the back of Ronan’s vehicle was even more apparent on that fact. Everything he owned, everything that he ever got in his life, all fitted into five black plastic trash bags.

He never felt so small in such an odd moment in his life.

“I’m going to text Gansey that we’re heading back,” Blue says as she shut the trunk of the car.

“Alright” Is all he could say to her, watching as she hops back into the passenger seat, hearing the door close behind her.

All Adam could do was turn his head up towards the orange and baby blue sky, how beautiful it was, how this was the sky over his home, how he's not welcomed here anymore.

Taking a deep breath of the bitter cold air felt hard on his lungs as if someone was squeezing them in the palm of their hands. He somehow enjoyed that feeling.

It made him feel more alive than anything else he has felt today.

And as he was about to go into the car and drive away from all of this, he saw his mother in the doorway of the trailer. He didn’t have a reason to talk to her, even after getting his things but he certainly didn't need to. 

So he began walking towards her.

The steps creaked under his weight, the coldness further making the wood groan deeper than usual with each step he took. And as he was on the porch now, in front of his mother, he hardly had an idea on what he was doing.

“So this is it, huh?” His mother says, her voice sharp. “No goodbye? No thank you for all that I did for you?”

He wanted to say all of that. He truly  _ did _ . 

But he knew he shouldn’t, not toward her or towards Robert.

“If you’re not going to say anything than just take these and  **_leave_ ** .” She says, shoving papers into his chest.

He didn’t know what the papers  _ were _ until he saw the first line, saw that it was  _ his _ handwriting.

It was the suicide notes he wrote to Ronan, and his mother had found them.

“ _ I hope your life is fucking better than the one we gave you, you piece of shit _ .” She says, leaning forward into his face.

He saw tears in her eyes.

Yet he knew no matter what he said. Nothing would change.

He kept his mouth shut and held the papers close to his beating chest. Turning around and heading back to the car was easier than he thought.

Not until he heard his mother scream from the porch steps.

“I’m I just as bad as him?! Am I as bad as him!?” 

Adam stopped walking.

And gridded the paper harder towards his chest.

_ “I still love you.”  _ He whispered.

And then, continued on walking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOW! that was a long chapter to write (・´ｪ｀・)
> 
> Sorry if the writing is weird at times because I actually had to take big breaks in between writing. Since this deals with a situation I myself, know all too well. And that these few days I've been busy and I had this holiday party at work that upset me pretty badly. Even as I do good things for myself I can't see the things that help me. Even as people try to comfort me with words they feel very swallow to myself. That's just how I am. I see more in actions than words but I know not everyone is like that.
> 
> I can say while writing this chapter towards the very end where it's just Adam and his mother. That's actually a real thing that happened to me and my mother. What she said to Adam is what she said to me.
> 
> But even if this is yet again a sad chapter, I want everyone to know that it's alright to feel sad, angry and everything in between. Things are hard in life and no one really tells us that when we are young, or maybe they do but not in a great way.
> 
> People will be mean, they will hurt you, people will leave and that's very much real.
> 
> But you must know that people also stay, they help, they talk, they care for you.
> 
> Even if you feel like no one is helping you, you are staying alive in a place that it's hard to be alive in.
> 
> Sometimes.  
> You must be your own hero in a story.
> 
> I hope you all have a good day or night.  
> Thank you again.


	47. Is the truth really worth it?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "While you make pretty speeches,  
> I'm being cut to shreds.  
> You feed me to the lions,  
> A delicate balance."
> 
> "And this just feels like,  
> Spinning plates.  
> I'm living in Cloud Cuckoo Land,  
> And this just feels like,  
> Spinning plates.  
> My body is floating down the muddy river"
> 
> ~ Like spinning plates by Radiohead

Joseph is sitting up in his hospital bed, listening to all the words coming out of his doctor's dry old mouth, but in all reality, he didn't want to accept them.  _ Not at all _ .

“But I am going to prescribe some medication to help deal with the pain when your son is sent back home.” The doctor says to Joseph’s mother, her worrying features and old makeup left on from overnight presented her to look older.

Joseph wondered how old she was.

He felt pathetic that he didn’t know her age.

What kind of son was he?

“How much longer does he have to stay here?” Joseph’s mother asks, her hands laced together as they rest upon her lap, Joseph's eyes stare at her wedding ring.

He wondered if his mother has the slightest idea that her husband is currently buried in a field with a bullet through his brains.

Joseph wondered if she knew that he likes another boy at his school.

_ Best not if she knew anything.  _ He thought to himself.

“We’re planning on wiring his jaw shut this afternoon and if that goes well. He can be out within the hours after.” The doctor smiles towards his mother.

_ Gross. _

“And what about his ribs, arm, and wrist? What are you going to do about those?” His mother asks a little more aggressively then maybe she wanted too.

“With his ribs we can’t do much but let them heal on their own, showing from the x-ray we did, there was no organ damage from the looks of it. Then with his forearm and wrist are a little more complicated than that. We'll have to put his wrist back into place than have it in a case for a while. With his arm, he'll have to use a case as well."

_ I guess that explains why I’m so damn stiff.  _ Joseph thought to himself, glancing down to both of his arms.

“And no need to worry, we’ll give you some papers on how to handle him and how to prepare his foods as well.”

_ It’s like I’m not even in the room. _

_ Wish I wasn’t. _

Joseph then began to block out the doctor’s advice, not caring so much on how these kinds of injuries can take to heal. He’ll heal. He knows that best than anyone else. Similar to all the other times before, he’ll heal.  _ No problem _ . 

_ No problem. _

_ Especially for Joseph Kavinsky. _

 

 

* * *

 

After the doctor gave way too many papers to his mother, his appointment for getting his jaw wired wasn’t so far off now.

But as he was laying in a hospital bed with an empty stomach, he found out that it wasn’t much fun either way. He couldn’t even change a single TV channel because of his dumb-ass arms.

And as he was attempting to past the time by simply laying down, his mother steps back into his room. She closes the door softly behind herself. Her untidy overnight makeup is now washed up yet her eyes are still red and puffy.

“Hey, baby.” She smiles at him, sliding her form back into that ugly plastic chair next to his bed.

“ _ Hey _ ,” Joseph crocks out, that being his first word since last night, he didn’t quite like how he sounded.

How he sounded  _ weak _ .  _ Frail _ .

His mother moved towards him more, getting as close as she can with the bed frame stopping her. It looked like she was going to set her pale hands down onto his hand closest to her but hesitated when she remembered that he was still very much injured.

She drew her hands back into her chest instantly, then attempting her best to put up a believable smile for him to cover up the fact she forgot.

He could tell it’s a fake one. The way her eyes remain that sad type of support, the  _ 'normal' _ kind when people do it to make others feel better in their sorrows and pain.

He’s been living with her far too long to not see it on her.

He simply knew better.

“ _ Do… _ .  _ Do you want to talk about what happened? _ ” She asks him, her voice soft and quiet as her eyes danced around the room, not once landing on him.

Joseph was caught off guard with her asking for him to clarify what had transpired the night before. There were a great number of reasons he thought that she wouldn’t ask him. He sincerely believed it was going to be like all the other times similar to New Jersey.

_ Utter silence _ .

How he would be crying and she, well she would have her lips tightly pressed together. Not asking any questions, not giving any comfort. That’s how things went with him and her.

He wondered where things began to change between both of them?

Where were the heavy suffocations of quietness between them and where did the slight conversations begin? 

Could it be that they have left it back in New Jersey?

Where they both had left so many things in their wake, fleeing in the middle of the night. Waiting for the witching hour to arrive over them. Then, as they crossed the never-ending threshold, they didn’t dare look back into the darkness.

Was it then?

Joseph doesn’t know.

“Who called you?” Was all that Joseph could ask, he thought back to Proko but did Proko even know his mother? Joseph didn’t even know where he left his cell phone if Proko did indeed call his mother off of it.

“The hospital had called me. They said someone had carried you in, saying it was some sort of car crash.” She spoke in a way that gave off the impression she didn't buy into it.

“I asked about your car but no one told me anything about it. Despite speaking to the police for information. They weren't much help as well, telling me they haven’t found it or the other driver's car.”

_ Did Proko pay off the police or could have Acres done that? _ Joseph thought to himself.  _ Either way, it’s better for the police not to be involved.  _

Possibly it was the various amounts of painkillers the nurses were pumping him full of, but Joseph was relaxed thinking about Tommy Acres. 

He was relaxed thinking about getting his broken, damaged hands around Tommy Acres fat fucking neck.

But he still needed to make up a story that could be somewhat believable to his mother, even if she didn’t wholeheartedly believe in it. He just needed one to get her off of what had happened to him without asking more deeming questions.

_ She doesn’t need to know. _

_ She’ll never have to know. _

_ It’ll be alright, I’ll be fine. _

_ Everything will be  _ **_alright_ ** _. _

Taking a deep inhale through his nose, he began speaking.

“I’m sorry, and I know I shouldn’t have done it, you’ve said it before, I shouldn’t do any more of it but I…  _ I _ ” Joseph stopped talking, he felt their hands on him again, the burning concrete against his face feeling like fire repeating in his mind.

“I was racing again, and it just got out of hand this time.” He finished his sentence, biting the inside of his cheek until the taste of his own blood made him feel in control.

When she knew he was done talking, her eyes finally landing on his. Her heavy eyes just like his, how they look exhausted as she eyed him from where she sat.

He could only hold his breath as she didn’t say a single word in response.

_ Would she believe it? _

_ Would she believe me? _

_ I’m sorry I’m a liar mama but please just take the lie. _

_ It’ll be better in the long run if you do. _

_ Just do it. _

Joseph was chewing the inside of his cheek now, not only tasting small amounts of his blood but flows of it now, anxiety literally eating away at him as his mother continues to stare at him. 

_ Then…… _ ..

She lets out a heavy sigh, taking her shaky hand to comb through her lengthy hair. A habit she only does when she’s relieved about something.

“After all this time, I thought you would at least listen to something I’ve said is dangerous again and again.” She says to him. “But I’m just glad you're alright Joseph. Seeing you like  _ ‘this’ _ just scared me so badly.”

Hearing her say those words made him feel less nervous, knowing that she believes his story makes things less complicated than they need to be. 

But, also it makes him angry.

Knowing he can get away with such a lie and her eating it up.

He really must be his father’s child.

“ _ I’m sorry. _ ” Joseph apologizes quietly, his jaw starting to become painful as he clutches his jaw on and off. Understanding better but couldn’t help himself at the moment, he felt guilty but what else could he do? Tell the truth?

Joseph thought about it for a second.

_ Hey mama so what really happened was that dad actually found out where we lived then when you were out food shopping, he came over to kill me and you but I begged him so much just to take me, later some guy I go to school with shot him in the fucking head and I buried him in the grave I was supposed to be in. Suddenly for some weird ass reason, I was interested in that guy and started talking to him a lot. Like a shit ton of talking. I even asked him to the winter dance. Can you believe that? He said yes, and I never felt so god damn alive with anyone else. But this prick named Tommy Acres got some guys to beat the shit out of me the night of the dance, the night that guy was supposed to have with me. But... but he never showed up and that hurt more than all the fucking bones I got busted. _

_ Yeah, right _ . Joseph thought, looking down at his damaged arms.

_ If she didn’t even want to talk back in Jersey when everything had gone to complete shit……. _

_ It’s better if I never tell her how I feel. _

_ It’s just better if I never tell anyone how I feel. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, Y'all (￣▽￣)ノ me here to give you the newest chapter!
> 
> I know, that this chapter doesn't do much but just give somewhat facts about stuff probably no one cares for but too bad (´-ω-)σ I also really want to say that I had to look up a lot of stuff for what type of injuries Joseph has and if I get some of them wrong, please forgive me (´･仝･｀) I only took one year of Medical 101 in high school and that didn't teach me a lot!
> 
> But anyway, I hope that whenever you read this or see this. That you're having a nice day or night, that being by yourself or with someone else (*＾∀゜)


	48. No missed called

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Can't believe you were once just like anyone else.  
> Then you grew and became like the devil himself.  
> Pray to God I can think of a kind thing to say,  
> But I don't think I can,  
> So fuck you anyway."
> 
> "So fuck you anyway."
> 
> "Bet you sleep like a child with your thumb in your mouth  
> I could creep up beside, put a gun in your mouth  
> Makes me sick when I hear all the shit that you say  
> So much crap coming out, it must take you all day
> 
> "There's a space kept in hell with your name on the seat,  
> With a spike in the chair just to make it complete.  
> When you look at yourself do you see what I see?  
> If you do, why the fuck are you looking at me?"
> 
> "Why the fuck are you looking at me?"
> 
> "Why the fuck  
> Why the fuck are you looking at me?"
> 
> "There's a time for us all and I think yours has been  
> Can you please hurry up, cause I find you obscene  
> I can't wait for the day that you're never around  
> When that face isn't here and you rot underground."
> 
> ~ Fuck U by Placebo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: Self-hatred and internalized homophobia

“Do you have my phone?” Joseph asked his mother, his lips chapped worse than they have been in the months before, he thought, possibly it could be from getting his jaw wired shut yesterday.

Both of them had got back to the house pretty late last night. Joseph doesn’t remember much of what happened, but he didn’t see why it mattered until waking up this morning and not finding his phone. 

Or also feeling like he woke up every hour during the night to take a piss, just to remember the hassle it was going to be with his cases on both of his arms.

“ _ Oh! _ ” His mother responds before moving into the kitchen area, strolling herself over to the marble island where her purse was settled on. 

“I didn’t want it to bother you through the night. It kept on beeping until I had to turn the thing off.” She says, sliding the phone on the counter over towards him, most likely afraid that he might drop it because of his cases. 

“ _ Uh.. thanks. _ ” He replies, still feeling a bit strange with her being so concerned about him getting sleep. Even though with all the medications they have him on, it would be rather hard not to get any sleep throughout the night.

He held the phone down on the counter top with one hand as his other hand pressed the side button with his fingers to start it up. Upon seeing the light lit up his phone screen didn’t imply anything truly important, Joseph was restless ever since he woke up. 

Joseph's been putting off a certain type of thought for far too long since waking up in the hospital bed. And besides that, now looking at the phone on the counter, he’s somewhat desperate to see the messages he’s seemingly missed over the past few days.

_ Alright _ , maybe not so much as a  _ thought _ but a  _ person _ .

Joseph has been trying his very best to avoid his private thoughts on why Adam wasn’t at the dance. All the sleeping was helping with that fact for now, but it was only a matter of time when Joseph would start dreaming again. 

And he didn't know for sure if it would be good or not, but he wasn't up for the infinite opportunities for himself to fuck up anything else, especially while his brains is on the frizes. 

Not being able to stuff down his feelings can only end up in his deep subconscious, which means if anything dangerous were to happen in his dreams, then he’s a danger to himself in real life.

_ It had been so much less fucking confusing when it was just school bullies and not choosing drugs. Not this if you get hurt in your dream world you'll get fucked up in real life too type of shit. _

Joseph’s phone eventually went to the home screen. Now he simply had to wait for all the messages to get sent in. And as annoying process that is, he believed in himself to wait a few more seconds for all of them to come through.

“ _ Hurry the fuck up _ ,” Joseph whispered under his breath, not being as patient as he thought he was. And as impatiences fills his brain and tapping his fingers harder against the counter, he grabs one of the chairs that stands next to the island, waiting frustratedly for his phone to stop buzzing like a dead bee.

“What would you like to eat for lunch?”

Joseph turns his attention towards his mother, staring at her blankly, he wanted her to know by the look on his face, that food wasn’t on the top of his to-do list right this second, but from the looks of it, it only goes over her beautiful curly head.

“What  _ can _ I eat?” Joseph asks back, remembering tiny pieces of his doctor warning him that he couldn’t eat solid foods for quite some time.

“I think we have some applesauce in the cabinet, would that be good enough for now? Just until I go to the store later and get some other things.”  

“That’s fine,” Joseph tells her. Though, with the first real promise of food, he’s pretty hungry on the second thought. Maybe he was too medicated to focus on the groans and protest from his thinning stomach. It wouldn't be the first time he didn't listen to his body's objections, probably won't be the last too.

But as Joseph turns his head back towards his phone, he sees that it’s finally done loading.

_ Fucking, yes! _

He checks to see if he has any voicemails first. Joseph wasn’t that stupid to think that Adam would be able to text him. Adam even told him before that he didn’t have a cell phone……….  _ Wait did he? _

Thinking far back enough, maybe Joseph imagined that Adam was merely too poor to have a cell phone on hand. But Joseph knew that he gave the other his number, that he knows for sure.

Opening up his voicemail, he notices about ten missed calls from his mother and three from Jiang, 1 from Proko, and some others from school that he could care less about. 

And as he kept on scrolling down from the past days he _ saw _ ..... _ saw _ .. 

_ Nothing _ .

_ Must be a mistake, probably looking at them too fast.  _ Joseph thinks as he scrolls all the way up.

As he checks it again, and all over again, and  _ again _ , scrolling up and down, there's nothing there from anyone else. He only sees the same damned missed calls from his mother, Jiang, and Proko, and a few from school.

_ Maybe, maybe he did text me. _ Joseph thought quickly, existing out of his voicemails and looking through all of his text messages.

But it’s practically the exact same.

Texts from people who are already in his contacts, no new phone numbers popping up showing him that their going to be late. 

No new messages from new phone numbers to tell him their just too busy to come to the dance.

There’s only  **_nothing_ ** .

He could almost laugh at the absolute hilariously of it.

Joseph actually thought that Adam Parrish would go to the dance with him? That Adam Parrish would honestly go with him to the school dance and do  _ what?  _

_ Dance with him?  _

_ Hands and hands holding together while some cheap ass slow song plays in the background? _

That Joseph put his feelings out for some guy?

_ Ha _

_ Hahaha…….. _

_ What a fucking joke that was. _

_ What am I? _

_ Some kind of Faggot? _

“Hey? Are you alright baby?”

Joseph lifted his head to stare unwaveringly at his mother, her captivating hazel green eyes like his, are filled with useless concern for him. 

_ What a waste, _ he thought.

“What.” He asked, his voice cold and distant.

“ _ Oh…” _ His mother spoke, somewhat surprised by such a reaction change from him.

“It’s just that……. You’re  _ crying, _ Joseph.”

Joseph didn’t move to wipe the tears away from his face because  _ why bother to? _ They don’t mean anything.

_ They never meant anything to anyone in the first place. _

“ _ Yeah _ , I’m just in…. A lot of pain right now.” Joseph tells her, shutting his phone screen and letting it slide away, feeling disgusted and hollow with himself.

“I’ll grab some of your medication.” She says, smiling softly at him.

“Thank you.” He says to her before could she depart from the room, leaving him alone in the spacious kitchen.

But, she stops walking towards the stairs, her back facing him from afar. 

The distance between them feeling much longer than just a few simple steps his mother had taken away from him.

She doesn’t turn around to see him but instead turns her head enough to the side for him to see the corner of her eye.

“Are you sure you’re alright? I know things haven’t been ……  _ great _ but I am here. I’m here now.”

Joseph couldn’t bring himself to say anything back to her in the way he wanted to- he didn’t have the heart to tell her. That she was also there when things weren’t  _ ‘great’ _ either. 

That she never went away from him, it was her that didn't want to reach for his hand during all those times.

And how, he felt so bitter knowing that about her.

“I’m fine.” He told her. 

“It’s just my jaw hurts pretty badly ma. That’s all.”

_ That’s all _ .

Joseph felt relieved that she only nodded before heading up the stairs.

Yet, he couldn’t help but feel angry with everything and anything.

He didn’t know whether to re-break both of his arms or destroy this place he never called home.

The only thing he did know……..

Is that everything in him hurt.

And he just wanted it out of himself.

_ Now _ .

 

 

* * *

 

**_(A new group chat has been made)_ **

 

**Joseph: We all need to talk.**

**Jiang: Dude, where the hell you’ve been off to0?**

**Skov: the fuck am i in here 4?**

**Swan: could have came to the dorms instead of this.**

**Jiang: That’s true! Why this group chat shit??**

**Proko: guys just let him talk…**

**Jiang: why the extra ‘...’???????? The fuck happen? Are you asserted or somthing?**

**Skov: i cant believe you guys text so fuckin much**

**Swan: It’s a group chat. That’s what it’s used for.**

**Skov: dont try to be smart here**

**Proko: GUYS!**

**Skov: what due?**

**Joseph: Everybody come over to my place on the 26th or get lost.**

**Skov: damn kavinsky got his big boi pants on. i’m game**

**Swan: Alright. Should I bring a late christmas present?**

**Jiang: Yeah? Should we? I’m confused on whats kinda going on here**

**Joseph: Jeuse, I don’t fuckin care if you bring gifts or not just come or leave me the fuck alone.**

**Jiang: Alright, alright, damn. I’m in**

**Proko: I’m coming.**

**Swan: Sure.**

 

**_(Group chat deleted)_ **

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Soo things are rolling on once again! The gang is coming together! I wonder what they're planning on doing? What's Joseph planning on doing???? ಠ‿↼
> 
> I want to say I've been doing some hard thinking and I've come to the thought that instead of five Arcs, I'm going to go for four Arcs. Only because I don't want there being a really short Arc that could've been just put in the third Arc. It's still going to be as long as I wanted it just that this Arc will be very, very long. If this upsets you, well I can't say much because this is how I want to write this story.
> 
> If you have any thoughts I'll really enjoy reading them too!
> 
> Hopefully y'all will find out soon enough _(┐「ε:)_♡
> 
> I hope y'all also have great things to come on this first day of your new year! (っ´▽｀)っ


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